Even

When I decided to let you go, I have told you goodbye

But sometimes when I think of you

It still hurts like yesterday

I loved you, there's no way to deny that

You're the first ever to own my heart

Oh, I just wish you knew what really happened

The day that you left me

That even when you have gone from my side

I still waited for you to come back

That's how deep my love for you

Don't you know that, don't you feel it?

An even when you have hurt me so bad

All I wanted is to see your smile

Even as the years go by

I still keep the smiles, I still keep the tears

My first love

Dedicated to my own first love. A song made on Oct 30th 2006.

Ellen De Generes... And Finding Nemo

I know to whom I must be thankful these days. Someone who makes me laugh despite everything that's going on in my life. Ellen!
The first time I heard her name, something clicked inside me, I thought I'd ever heard - or read - that name before. Do you happen to know if 'Ellen' show has ever been aired in Indonesia? Besides, I kind of remember the Time Magazine's cover with Ellen on it. Dunno. Deja vu, or have I really seen it when I was a child?
I went, 'WOW!' the first time I heard that Ellen is going to be Oscar's host. That's such an honor, and well... she deserves it. To think that someone who has been down-ed by the community and still can kick back that hard... geez, she really inspires me! And what I love the most about her is her sense of humor! Besides, her view on many things is similar to mine.
I don't think many people in this country know this woman. But I bet most people know Finding Nemo. She's the voice talent behind Dory! Gosh, how I love that stupid blue fish! Lol. It'd be really frustating and really fun at the same time to have a friend like that! Yup, the writer wrote about Dory while imagining Ellen's voice in his head, so in other words, the part was made especially for her. It fits her so well. I don't know why, everytime I look at Dory I think of how she looks like Ellen - visually! Yup. Perfect, indeed.
I've never seen any of Ellen episode, but I did get a transcript for the most memorable episode of all, The Puppy Episode. I got to see the clip in youtube.com, too. Laugh my ass off that one! Heh heh.
Well... actually I plan to write a long post about her, but I guess I'd have to wait till I'm in the mood. I'm now in a hurry coz I only have 28 minutes left for internet... sigh. And I still want to browse more and more, so... see ya next time.

Finally! This Week Is Over... Almost

Okay, this week hasn't been too terrible, but I can't help but feel some nervousness over my tests. I'm not good at practical things, I'm pretty much a klutz. You know there're some people who are good at everything? Well, I'm quite the opposite of them. Maybe people who don't know me will see my achievements and they'll think I'm good at everything, but it's not true. I CAN do many things, I know. But I'm not GOOD at the first trial. Those things I can do are the things I routinely train myself on. But there are some people who don't need that, they are able to do things well, even at the first trial. At these times, I really envy them. It's not that I won't train myself, but there's no time. We only have ONE chance to learn, and then, BAM! The final test comes. It's like that. The things I scored most are the things I could practice at home. My friends 'wow'ed and 'ck'ed at me, but they just didn't know how long back I'd trained myself for that moment. About everyday I did it (about a month or so) just for that moment of test. I have to admit, though, luck and my other abilities (like my strengh and my English) also played a certain hand on the other tests. But even those things are the things I didn't get naturally. I trained myself on them because I knew I would need them someday, even for my everyday life. I was right. Lol.
I'll still have tests until Monday and after that I'll have the written tests until Wednesday and I'll go home on... maybe Saturday?
This week is hard more than just the physical factor. Physically, I think that this week has been really easy. But boring. And made me nervous. And there's neither 22 nor Little Bit. I find myself becoming lazy and of course, FAT. Usually I don't care, but this isn't only about my look, but also about my health. I'm not as strong as usual, I'm slower, and I bet my blood sugar (or whatever it's in English) gets high. The good thing, though, is that the artist in me showed herself again. I wrote yet another song, 'Like Green on Grass' and I found I'm still able to sketch St. Paul Cathedral.
Um... I like 'Ai Bu Fen' so much. Oh, I haven't written about that, right? It's the first openly lesbian song in China. The song is rather sappy, but I'm just a big old mushball, I love sappiness! The lyrics really went right into my heart (I was awake until 2 am - when I was suppossed to be on class on 6 am - translating the lyrics). The lyrics are far more beautiful in Chinese, but this is the rough translation.

Once I thought that love is just an extravagant hope
My heart is like a tightly closed window
Once in a while there's a light soaking through, but it still doesn't shine brightly
I'm helplessly in sorrow
It's you who taught me to bravely cherish hope
Holding tight my hand never to get lost
Together we stand up against the ruthless change of the world
Never afraid of the long night that's all around
If we still can choose whom we love, what would you choose?
Would we be just like now?
Loving someone in this way is stubborn or strong?
My love isn't any different, my heart isn't so hard to understand
I only wish for a simple feeling
As the years go by quickly, as love disappears like the wind
We'll still be in embrace
Love doesn't differ who's right who's wrong, love doesn't care what rumor says
If I can't find you in this lifetime, forever I won't give up
As the flowers gradually fall down, as we've seen the end of the world
You are my everything

Beautiful, isn't it? I couldn't translate it well enough to do the lyrics justice, just hear it for yourself.
I like my new song, 'Like Green on Grass'.

We can be like green on grass
Great apart, better together
Through the rain and heat from the sun
We'll grow together like always
We can be like green on grass
Through the stare people's throwing at us
Though people's feet stomping at us
It can never tear us apart
Cause God knew we'll need each other
That is why He created us to be together
As simple as the green on the grass.

It's dedicated for Ryan, since she's the one using that phrase often and inspired me to write this song.
Okay, that's about all I wana wrote today. Actually there're a lot of things going on here, one even made me absolutely MAD, but I think it's not worth telling here. I hope I can post things more often after this. I certainly miss blogging. Lol. See ya'll and wish me luck for my tests.

Nao, Where Are Youuuu???

It seems that we lost contact nowadays. There are so many things I want to share with you but you seem to never be online when I am. How's your thesis? How's life there? I want to be able to chat with you again. So many things happened and I'm very confused, and I have no one here to talk to. Lately I've never been with the people I used to go out with, I don't hang around people who understand me, and it seems that the world hates me, right down to the people in my boarding house including the helpers. My friends seem to hate me coz I can't finish my job quick enough, though they still defend me in front of my lecturer, though they are more stating facts than defending me. My lecturers seem to hate me coz I am not brilliant enough in that subject of study. Damn. The only one listening is my mom. I know you're busy with your thesis, so I can't contact you often. I do need to talk to you, though. I wanna know how your life's going and I want to share many things with you.

Newest News About Planet Xena

Damn those people who takes Xena's name from eternity. Yet still, the names given to the planet and her moon aren't far from Xena anyway. The planet's official name is Eris, named to the Greek goddess of chaos. The name is chosen because the planet did cause a chaos until Pluto's status was downgraded. The moon is named Dysnomia, after Eris's daughter, known as the spirit of LAWLESSNESS. Coincidental??? I don't think so.
No matter what others call her, for me the dwarf planet will still be Xena. Besides, I bet the planet will be known as the planet which was once named Xena.

Bored

The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you.
1. Start Time: 19:46
2.Name: Ryan
4. Astrology sign: gemini
5. Gender: girl
6. Hair color: black
8. Eye color: deep brown
10. Favorite color: black and white
11. Glasses: no
13. Tattoos: no
14. Hometown: you tell me
15. Single or taken: single
16. Siblings names: A
******HAVE YOU EVER*****
17. Cut your own hair? yes
18. Did something in the past month that you will regret? yes
20. Skipped school? yes
22. Bungee jumped? no..t yet
24. Punched someone? yes
25. Cheated on a test? yeah
26. Been arrested? no
27. Broken into someone’s house? no
30. Been rejected? yes
31. Been to a funeral? yes
32. Used a lighter? yes
33. Been on stage? yes
*****FAVORITE*****
34. Season: spring
35. Food: anything not spicy, not vegetables, not expired
36. Ice cream flavor: vanilla
37. School subject(s): mathematics
38. Candy: mint
39. Breakfast cereal: corn flakes
40. Person: Lucy Lawless
41. Book: I Found My Heart In San Francisco
42. Movie: romantic comedy, musical
43. Song: all kinds of music
44. Park: near my house
46. Place: my bed
47. Sport to watch on TV: badminton
50. Letter(s): X
51. Favorite fast food restaurant: always find junk food
52. Disney Princess: Mulan
53. TV station: nope
54. Name for a son: Kevin
55. Name for a daughter: Ryan
******DO YOU PREFER*****
56. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla
57. Alcoholic or non? non
58. Long relationships or one night stand? long
59. Dogs or cats? doggy
60. comedies or scary movies? comedies
61. Short or long hair? long
62. croutons or bacon bits? croutons
******FIRST THINGS THAT COME TO MIND******
64. Mexicans: tequillla sierra
65. School: assignments, homework
67. Cows: milk
70. Hand: fist
*****THE PAST 3 DAYS, HAVE YOU*****
71. Talked on the phone? yes
72. Watched a movie? yes
73. Cried? no
74. Smoked? no
75. Drank a glass of water? yes
76. Done Drugs? no
77. Read a book or magazine? yes
78. Watched TV? no
79. Looked in the mirror? yes
80. Taken a shower? yes
81. Taken picture? no
82. Listened to music? yes
83. Told someone you love them? no
84. End time: 19:53

Okay, Sorry, That Was Harsh

After talking to Nao by sms later yesterday, I realized one thing. Maybe her being there isn't so bad after all.
You see, if I were to write a love story, it's very possibly that I'll make a blackout when the two soulmates came to a same place. It's also possible that I'll make those two soulmates are both having flu. And maybe I'll make those two soulmates recognize each other without seeing one another. And that's exactly what happened yesterday.
Maybe it's just a coincidence - okay, THREE coincidences - but it's not impossible that it's the connection between us, or the connection I felt for her. But why??? I'm well on my way forgeting her, I've even found somebody new (though I don't like her even half of my feelings for 22). Geez, sometimes God's just plain cruel. Hah hah. Who am I kidding? Yesterday I cursed God while singing praises for Him. Yup, 22, you do make me do crazy things.

Fuck!

And, do you know what??? Now, when I'm writing this, she's HERE!!! See??? That's what I mean! Everytime I want to forget her, she just POPS OUT from God-knows-where! Damn, even the lights went out. Bah.

Long Time No Post

If I have my status on my forehead it'd read 'FUCKIN BUSY' right now (too bad the phrase isn't read from right... just kidding, hah). Well, I know now why my seniors disappeared from everything after they got the practical classes. It's fun, a lot of fun, actually, but it sure is one hell in managing time! It also requires physical ability too! Damn, I only had about 5 hours of good sleep in a day, for sometime. Next week it's gonna be crazier. I've already spent about 10 hours at school, 14-15 hours if I have 2 classes, and it's gonna be more, maybe. Sigh.
And now I'm asked to be active again in organization. The problem is that I can't afford to give more time to anything other than my study, but those people need me, no matter if they realize that or not, I was surprised myself when I learned the truth about what would happen to them if we don't act quickly.
Worst of all, I have to try to forget 22. I can't afford to be either distracted when she's around or longing for her when she's away, with all these craziness around me. Maybe I wouldn't even do that if my feelings for her is as strong as ever. But it's just not. It's a torture to look at her flying from guy to guy to guy and ignoring me, but then she did something that made me believe she liked me. Damn, even when I wanted most to forget her, all in sudden I saw her in a pretty dress, looking so beautiful.
But I have good news, too. It's that Xena is now a dwarf planet. The biggest dwarf planet, actually, and Pluto isn't a planet anymore. I hope they won't change the name Xena. Everybody has known that the planet's nickname is Xena, why change it?
Okay, I won't write much, I'm very very tired. I'm sorry I haven't had the time to visit my friends' blogs... I hope I'll be able to, soon. Till then... take care!

Some of My Songs... and The Story Behind

I made this song months ago:
"There's no many things I can do
There's no many things that I'm proud of
But when it comes to loving you
I give it my all
Cause you've brought out the best in me, to do the impossible
You're my source, my strength
My one right cause to fight
So don't just let me go, cause I'm the one for you
I can be the woman of your dream
I can be someone that you deserve
I can be someone you won't forget all your life
I can be the sun in your sky
I can be the light of your way
If you give me a chance to love you."

--- This song was made when I felt like I've done everything yet she still ignores me.---


I wrote this song several days ago:
"It's been a year since you've gone, I know I count the days
Now it's the time for you to come home
I wonder if you've changed, I know I'm not the same
But no matter what, you'll be beautiful in my eyes
I regret the day I let you walk away
Without knowing what I felt in my heart
So this time I beg you
Please listen to what I'll say
So finally you will know that
I miss you, I need you to be here with me, never ever to leave again
Cause I know I'll be bad without you
I miss you, I need you in my life
It scares me but I know it's true
I can't live without you, I must say
I need you."

--- This song was made when I was missing her... and I wanted her home soon.---


I wrote this song on Monday, August 14th 2006:
"I dreamed of you, just a short dream
But it stays long in my mind
Coz I have missed you so
And now you come back in my sight
It's a shame if this dream won't come true
In my dream, you kissed me
What I wouldn't give or do to make it real
In my dream, you kissed me
I hope that you'll do the same to me someday."

--- Now, guess what happened to me that day! Clue: The lyric for this song is entirely true.---

Coffee and Tea and Ryan's Family (?!)

The most intriguing question for me, hm? Guess what!

It's 'Coffee or tea?'

I love both beverages almost the same, as long as they both are the same level of good. Okay, I know very little about coffee, just theoritically. But I'm learning about tea right now... from comic. Heh heh. 'Prince of Tea', if you're interested. Like it a lot.Okay, forget the coffee and tea for a while, coz I won't write about how to brew coffee or tea this time. Heh heh.

This is mostly about my family. I think it's time for me to write something about them. Before, I just don't want people to identify me, but what the heck. It doesn't take a Sherlock Holmes to tell that it's me. Anyone who knows me well enough to know who's my idol will recognize me in a minute. Besides, my family is such an important part in my life that I can't imagine not including them at all in this little universe of mine.

Hmmm... where to start? My family's just a usual family, with five members now, including my grandmother. My parents are equal partners in our little shop, though my mom rules a bit more. We're pretty liberal in the matter of religions, for there are three religions for our five members. Well, if I can write in ID card that I'm Agnostic, that will make it four. Heh. I've a younger sister who's cute in front of everyone else but changes into a little monster everytime we're alone. Doesn't change my love for her, though. Lol.

Well, when it comes to my subject of study, I can't say I'm as lucky as Nao. Nao's family knows a lot about health so it helps with her major, but unfortunately my family doesn't know even the correct table manner, let alone anything about wine. Lol. Heck, they don't even know English - except my lil sis, of course. I often wonder if I've entered the wrong world. Heh heh. Dunno, I just enjoy it (plus, entering that world gives me a chance to meet a special lady. Heh heh).

My mom is the best mother in the world, I must say. She works really hard for all of us, and she survives all the years of dealing with my grandmother (believe me, you'll worship my mother if you know my grandmother. It takes a saint to put up with her!), to serve my father (my family's pretty conventional in the household, meaning that my father takes care of bills, mechanical troubles, vehicles, plants, and my mother cooks, supervising any helpers (I don't know why, I don't like the word 'servant') we have, preparing my dad's clothes, taking care of social events, taking care of the children, etc, etc.), to face with my rebellions (I have to admit I'm no help for her... :< ), to face my sis' mood-change, and of course, taking care of our shop. Plus, she's a great cook. What else could you want for a mother? Lol. No wonder she's the most important person for me in the world.

My dad, on the other hand, is probably the one I respect the most. He's very very very silent. But I never questioned his intellegence. Such a waste that he's only junior high graduate. I even respect him more for coping up with the fact that his wife is better educated from him. And never ever I'm not proud of him. There can be millions of college graduates, masters, phd.s, doctors, but how many of them has the compassion my father has? How many of them has his dedication to his family, his never-ever-complain rule for himself, his loving heart, and his helping hand to those less fortunate than him? He's the only son sticking to my grandparents and serve them without ever complaining about his other brothers who live separately and much more wealthy than him, still my grandmother complains a lot about him and often treats him too hard. It really needs a greater strength to show compassion. All my life never once I heard him complained about anything at all. Not about his not-functioning-so-well-anymore hands, not about my grandmother, not about his disease, not about his children, not about anything at all. And by the way, he has so many skills no other man I know can compare. And though he's not formally educated, he educated himself so well that he knows a lot of useful things in life, a lot of pracical knowledge, and in short, though he doesn't know difficult words, he knows things about as much as a college gradutes. His motto in life? "Be hard to yourself and be kind to others."

Well, I can't say much about my grandmother, coz we really don't get along well at all. We love each other in a 'I love you but I hate you' kind of way. But she's great and admired by many people. Can you imagine a 70s-year-old lady getting up on a jet-coaster??? Not exactly a jet coaster, but kind of the same. She's almost 90 and she still has a mind as sharp as a shark's teeth, and a healthy body that makes a doctor shook his head in wonder. She still hangs out with her friends, goes out often, well, not differ much with a 40s-year-old women. Oh, and she knows more about cars than even my male relatives who are not a car salesman. I kinda believe that she'll even outlive me. Lol.

Now, my sis. She's smart. Really smart. But she chooses not to use her brain by study hard. She's changed now, due to my mom's everyday effort. But still, she only focuses in thing she's interested in, not the whole subjects. In a way she's much more talented from me, especially in creativity. It's just that we expertise in different things. I'm more in music and art and writing, and she's more in handcraft and actually she's good in art but different art than mine, and in inventing creative things. I often feel that she follows my path too often, that sometimes she adapts my bad characteristics, too. Well, but she's a cute sister (in front of other people, that's it) and I won't change her even for Lucy Lawless (that's saying a lot!). Lol.

My other main family includes my late grandpa and my late aunt. My aunt died when I was five. She had a lot of skills in music, handcrafting, art, and languages. She was a piano and organ teacher (though she could play guitar, too), tourist guide, and handcrafting teacher (I don't really know about this). She also cooked well. Best of all, as far as I remember it, she was like the second mother to me. My late grandpa was a headmaster somewhere in the past, before he opened the shop we have now with my grandma, who was once his student (ow, so romantic!). He was an athlete too, and he only showed a sign of disease when he was 80. He overcame his diseases for more than ten years, since he died on the age of 93. Such a long, fulfilled life, I must say, and he's a great inspiration for all of us, family. By the way, his family is kinda cool, too bad we're not hanging around often with them, because they live in different city. They are so solid, and fun, and... well, cool. They marched together at a restaurant, they made a yahoo group for our family, etc, etc. Cool, really.

Hm... in short I love my family so much, just that I don't show it often. We're all the sit-on-feelings kind of people, so we're not used to hug or kiss or say 'I love you' to each other, but each of us is well aware that we're loved (from a simple gesture like a helping hand when needed, a tap on the back to show support, the jokes and laughs we share) and what more can I want?

Then it comes to the title question: coffee or tea? WORK, OR FAMILY? They're rather alike. Work is like coffee for me. They have strong flavor that makes you either love it or hate it. They make you stay awake at night, and they make you feel the prestige of being an adult. Tea and family, on the other hand, have a sweet, claming flavor that is suitable for adult and children. They do make you stay awake, but not as strongly as coffee do. They make you feel calm and content, easily makes you relax just with their presence.

I'm the type of person who thinks the world of my family. My friends and my teachers say that when you are interviewed for job, when asked 'work or family' I must answer 'work', because it will make me acceptable more. But isn't that really a lie? Who in their right mind would go to work still when there's a death in the family? When it comes to emergency, everyone would turn to their family, fuck with the job. I mean, we are adults, we should be able to make a line between our private and professional life. If the question asked is an example, like when you have a family reunion when there's a meeting at the office, or something like that, I can answer it truthfully. After all, I'm sure I can make the right decision when I face the problem. For me family and work complements each other. I need work to have enough money to provide my family and I need my family to support me in the job I do. I can't choose one over another, it's depended on the situation. Granted, I haven't had a job, but as a student doubling with organization I've learned a lot about priorities. I'm sure I can choose the right decision, even if I have to sacrifice my want.

So, don't ask me 'coffee or tea' (unless in a job interview, coz I have no choice but answer it, lol) coz I'll only smile and pass you by.

Today

I had a pretty terrible fight with my mom. Well, actually my mom was angry and I didn't even open my mouth. Then I just ride on a motorcycle.
Initially I had nowhere to go. I just went arount the city, then an idea plopped on my mind and I decided to go to Parangtritis. Afterall, when I was upset, it was best not to meet any people I know, be completely alone and quiet. So I did.
That was the best decision I made all day. Along the way to the beach I finally saw the destructions of Jogja's Earthquake. It wasn't pretty. I was so thankful that I am okay and my family are okay. And it's good for a thought, too, after the horrible fight with my mom.
There were times on the road when I felt like giving up. It wasn't the safest road in the world, for I knew that there were people who would steal to survive. Besides, I didn't know the way, really, I just followed my instict to get there. I've been to the beach several times but I've never driven there, let alone by myself. Then came another argument that I'm a girl and it wasn't good to be on the beach alone, who knows what might happened?
Against all the good reason, I kept going and I reached the beach. It was like a dream. Before, I was in a city full of malls and shops and people, then I was on the road seeing the destruction caused by the nature, and then I was on the beach, seeing the beauty of the nature. When I touched the water I couldn't help but thinking if I was going to wake anytime soon. But I didn't. I enjoyed my time, walking on the beach, playing with the water and simply felt alive.
After spending about half an hour there I went back on the road. I felt hungry but I didn't dare picking up food and ate it home for it would only cause a bigger mess with my family. So I picked up food, and ate it here, in a warnet. Even now I'm not sure if my mom will talk to me. No, actually I'm sure she won't talk to me. Typical. Damn. This is suppossed to be my holiday!
Maybe, it's best to break down and cry anytime you feel like doing it. Well, I learned my lesson. If I did it back then when I felt like doing it, I wouldn't feel so miserable and heavy all these times that I wouldn't let small things upset me. It isn't right to blame my family because they don't know what was going on in my life, they don't know how I went through some things back then, they don't know how I deserve a rest, they only know the result of my work and it's good, so they think I went through all of that easily.
Well, I guess I'm not that strong a person afterall. I've tried to bear all the burdens by myself and I failed, it slapped me back in the end.
I'll go home now. Sorry you have to read this piece of shit, but I can't use my computer at home to write this (coz my family will find out for sure) and I just have to write this or I'll be even downer. Oh, and if you can, take a little time to pray for the victims of the earthquake. I think the food and money given to them are plenty enough (except for the area which hasn't been reached), now they need the strength inside to cope with the mental trauma, and God can help a lot with that.
See ya next time, I hope in a better day than today.

So Damn Bored

It's a funny thing that I'm bored and tired in the same time. Well, at least today my training has ended.
I cancel my intention to post my writing because yesterday I read something that made me change my mind. But I'll post this instead. This is the list of birth-month, birthstones and the meaning, and the flower, in case someone wants to give a gift to someone else's birthday.

January - Garnet (Constancy) - Carnation, Snowdrop
February - Amethyst (Sincerity) - Violet, Primrose
March - Bloodstine, Aquamarine (Courage) - Jonquil, Baffodil
April - Diamond (Innocence) - Sweet Pea, Daisy
May - Emerald (Love, Success) - Lily of The Valley, Hawthorn
June - Pearl, Moonstone, Alexandrite (Health & Longevity) - Rose, Honeysuckle
July - Ruby (Contentment) - Larkspur, Water Lily
August - Sardonyx, Peridor (Marriage Happiness) - Poppy, Gladiolus
September - Sapphire (Clear Thinking) - Aster, Morning Glory
October - Opal, Taurmaline (Hope) - Calendula, Cosmos
November - Topaz (Fidelity) - Chysanthenum
December - Turquise, Zircon (Prosperity) - Narcisus, Holly

Hm... from this list, me and 22 are Health, Longevity, and Prosperity. Wow, that's the dream life! Hah hah hah.
By the way I did taste my first wine today. Before this I thought that wine is better than any other alcoholic drinks, but it seemed to me today that it's no different. I tasted three kinds of wine: sparkling wine, white wine, and red wine. So unless if they gave me the bad year or anything, I decided that I don't like wine. For now. Hm... I felt a little light-headed after drinking that much of wine. LOL. Figured. Alcohol and me? Not a good couple. But I will see if that can change, since I want to be a bartender so much more than anything. At least I do love coffee and tea. Good thing today we had a presentation from Starbucks, but no tea involved, such a shame.
Okay, gotta go. I'm bored as hell and I still have to pick money from ATM later. I forgot to do it earlier.

Long Time No See

Huh, not really long time, actually. Heh heh. I've just been busy these times. I climbed my second mountain this Monday, though not to the peak coz I did that only for the sake of my juniors. I climbed up and down only in half a day and got home at 11 pm, took a shower, writing something in my diary and went to sleep at about 1 am. The next day I had training for my program and had to get up at 5.30. Thanks to that I was half-asleep in two of the three sessions that day. I got home at 5 pm and stupid me, I slept until 6.30 pm, calling for some food delivery to celebrate my IP which was announced yesterday (not excellent, but better than the last time), and I couldn't sleep until 2.30 am!!!! No wonder I felt raher dizzy today, I only slept for about 3-4 hours last night. Sigh. Tomorrow is the last day of the training but the day after my friend wants to give me a treat (for her birthday) at SEVEN o'clock!!! That means I'll have to be ready to go at FIVE THIRTY!!! LOL!!! I'm busted. Sleeping is one of my favorite activities and I loooooove to sleep until noon... or even afternoon. I've ever woke up at 4 pm the next day. Hah hah hah.
Thank God the sessions today wasn't boring. It was kinda cool. About food and beverage. I learned many things, including which chemical was bad for the human's body, the chemicals which are banned from USA already but are still used a lot in Indonesia, the good and bad packaging, MANY THINGS!!!
What I look forward to, though, is tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll have my first WINE. Hah hah hah. Yea, tomorrow is my turn to try the 'food and wine combining'. Wonderful! Not to mention that there'll be a session on my two favorite beverages: coffee and tea. Hm-m. I certainly look forward to that!!!
Well, actually I wanted to post something here, but I forgot to bring it from home. Such a shame that I don't have internet connection home. But what the heck, I don't need it home. It's cheaper, easier this way, except when it was raining hard and I have to go to warnet to search for some information in order to do my assignment. Now, that's a torture - coz I only have my foot and the nearest warnet isn't so near anyway and it's down rather often... and when it's down it means that I'll have to walk even a longer distance. LOL. Torture, indeed. But it's great too, actually... that makes me thank God for my feet.
'Kay, that's about all for today. I hope tomorrow I can post my writing, or just browse the internet. And thanks for Haze to drop me a line, that's the only reason why I post something today .

Children and Fiction Characters

There's an interesting post I read in Violette's blog. 'Doraemon'. It just struck me, since I'm a Doraemon fan too. Not in a bad sense, though. It just make me think - a lot.
Hm... I've taken a class, a pretty interesting class, actually, about Penciptaan and it's combined with science. In short, it was a class about how science could proof the bible, especially about matters which are usually thought as impossible, like the Noah's Ark (How can the ark carry that many animals and how can they survive inside the ark for 40 days?), the actual age of the earth, how can Kain married his own sister (logically, if Adam & Eve were the only people lived on earth then there would be no one to marry Kain besides his own sister, right?) and be okay, how can Jesus turn water to wine, etc, etc.
Where was I? Sorry, got carried away. Oh, yeah. So, one day the class discussed about fiction characters like Doraemon, Dragon Balls, and such. The lecturer taught us that those cartoons are no good and only make children believe less in God and in Creation. Children will be taught that dinosaurs were real, that this earth is very very old (more than 30 million years, while according to the bible it's only about 6000 years), and that human comes from monkeys, not from Adam and Eve. I was like, "WHAAAAT???" And letting our children being in the real world all the time where everything is so depressing??? Even I created this Ryanverse to run away from the real world, how can children handle the real world without any fantasy-land they can run into anytime?
Quite honestly, when I was little I've never liked fiction characters like that. But that's the point. Now I regret it. What's the point in being a kid if you have not believed in Santa Claus since you were FIVE??? What's the point in being a kid if you never touched the land of fantasy, dreaming of being a Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty or the knight in the shining armor? Yea, yea, maybe that's why I'm such a cartoon-lover now, kinda make up for the missing time. I promise myself that when I have children someday I'll let them roam wild with their fantasy. And this is the connection to the Violette's post.
Personally, I think letting children enjoying the fantasy while they can is a must. It will let them explore their creative side as well as starting to make them feel. By feeling what the characters in the fiction feel, they will learn about compassion, friendship, and many other things. Of course, I admit, this will need a hand from the parents.
Like Violette's post's case. I think it's up to the mother, whether she could wisely handle the kid or not. I don't know the kid personally so I can't tell what to be done exactly, but his mother should know better. If the kid wants to act like Nobita because he wants to have a Doraemon, she could say, "Why don't you study hard and be a good boy, that someday you can invent a Doraemon by yourself and make him your best friend?" or, if the boy really loves Doraemon, she could say, "Isn't Doraemon the happiest when Nobita becomes a dilligent and good child? Don't you want to make him happy?"
I do that to myself all the time, too. When I feel so much fear to do something, I quote Xena, "Everybody's afraid, some only hide it better." When I feel like I can't do something or can't find a way out of a situation, I'll think, "What would Xena do?" When I regret something so deeply, I remember Xena saying, "Nothing we can do to change the past, we can only work to make the future better." I happen to have the same birthday with Donald Duck, and I happen to have the same clumsiness, the same bad-luck as he does, and sometimes I'm so embarassed by myself who let the words out without having the brain processed it first, just like him. But so I think, "Donald is just as clumsy as me, he has bad-luck just like me, he's also often mis-spoken things, but everybody loves him, so everybody can love me too."
See? Fiction characters can be good, too. I admit that maybe they'll make children believe in bible less and less and less, but if the parents really care, they can actually turn the effect as they like. It's not the matter of the object. It's how the subject catches the messages. So if you wanna do something, don't do it to the object. Do it to the subject.

Piano

You know, my mom was right. Now I'm very thankful that I can play piano. For one thing playing piano is a hobby that I can't not love. It's fun, and it also makes those around me happy too.
Then, the piano also becomes a communication tools which can be used anywhere. When I went aboard, when I couldn't speak the language, I simply communicated with the people with piano. I get to be Nao's friend because of piano. I quickly got a new friend in my new environment because of piano. I really felt lucky!
The ability to play piano also becomes one of my strength, since it means that I can teach piano if I can't get another job (heaven forbid!).
And then, for my private life, it's very helpful, too. In loving somebody, there's good and bad moments. In good moments, I can play to her and sing to her, or I can make a song for her. In bad times I can cheer myself up by playing. I can also use it for a gift to my beloved ones.
Piano also has been my inspiration, since I wrote 'The Sound of The Piano' fiction and Melia & Chris comic based on piano. And even the 'Lonely Knight' comic also including piano. And don't forget 'Ericka Erick' comic! I've even made a not-finished comic of an all-boy music school.
Oh, and one more thing: studying piano isn't one easy matter, and it helped a lot in building my character. My dicipline self I owe to piano. It also helped to build my confidence. And probably it also helped in building my never-ever-give-up (too determined) attitude. Heh heh.
I do feel very lucky, very thankful, especially to Mama for making me study piano at all costs. I really love piano, and not playing it for a while has been hard for me, but if I don't think I can bear it well if I can't play it forever.

Documentary Movies

Note: This is also an old post of mine. Wanna move it here, too, for no other reason that I like it! Heh heh.

Do you know what I really want to watch at this moment? A documentary movie about gay issue.
Sometimes it's really funny, talking about how people despise gays, especially those Christians. I found three articles about three documentaries made. The first is 'I Can't Marry You' (I like the title so much. It goes right to heart). It's a documentary to educate heterosexual people that they'll know why exactly gay people strive so hard to get married. What I think would make this documentary a huge impact for the striving of gay people if many heterosexuals watch it, is that documetary movies put faces to issues. When they talk about gay marriage, some say yes, some say no, but those who say no mostly never see any real gay people, much less know them. They just say no because it's what's common in society. What if they imagine that gays are men wearing skirts and put lipstics and giant women with big muscles? Well, by putting faces to the issues, they can see for themselves that gays are just... people! Tell me I don't have a gaydar, I can't tell if those gay people in the pic I have are gay if I see them in person. But it's true! They differ just like us. Westerns, Asians, black, white, yellow, tall, short, slim, fat, pretty, not-so-pretty, butch, femme, in-betweens, professionals, junkies, rich, poor, there are so many kinds of them... they're just people. And in this documentary there are lesbian couples who've been together for ten years or more, even one with seventeen-year-old son. Just imagine if you and your loved one have lived together for that long, and still, you can't tell other people that your loved one is your spouse. Imagine trying to explain to your children why Mama and Mommy loves each other but they don't get married. And think about how fair it is that a loving couple can't get married when those people who just get remarried and redivorced can have the previllege of marriage. Don't you see that one sentence someone long to hear from the one they love is 'Would you marry me?' What if the answer has to be 'I'm sorry, I can't marry you' just because the law says so. Owww... this is a must-see documentary in for this days!
The second documentary is called 'God and Gays: Bridging the Gap'. This one is more personal than political. This is one great documentary too, and it can save lives if the right people watch it. This documentary captures how gay people deal with their religion. Some tried to become 'ex-gays' with a terrible emotional cost, some tried to kill themselves. In this documentary you can see how parents even prefer their kids to be dead than to be gay. Sometimes, it needs death before someone can change their attitude towards gays. I can never understand how religions can make people blind. It's not like the religion IS God. Religion is no more than just a phylosophy and a set of rules made by human to honor God. But the way changes from millenia to millenia. You know, I like the PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) so much. It gives me hope, that among the rejections, hatred, and prejudices, somewhere out there, there are people who care. I just wish there's one organization like that here.
I won't talk much about the third documentation, the 'All Aboard! Rosie's Family Cruise'. I just hope that I can someday join the cruise with my family. It's so nice seeing those people smile at the camera, all beaming for a chance to feel like ordinary family. Of course, ordinary families don't land to a group of protesters ready to condemn us. (I just feel a bit sarcastic today... sorry).
Oookaaaaaaay. I guess it's time for me to stop. There are so many things I want to share with the worlds, you know. I just don't know where to start and what to do yet. And I'm not original enough to share those things with the world except for the personal matters like religions and Gods, because, for shouting out loud, I haven't met even ONE gay yet (myself doesn't count)! Living here sucks a lot sometimes! Not only about gays, also about women's rights, about schooling in Indonesia, about politics, about many things else. But you know what? Those topics are covered much by people, they care about those topics. Now who would care about gay in this country if its gay people won't care themselves? I guess this country really need someone to speak out, loud, and proud.

The Xena Planet

Note: I can't believe I haven't post this one yet! This is an old, old, old post but I want it to appear here anyhow. This is one of the best thing happened in 2005 for me!

Planet Xena. Wow!
The first time I heard it is from you, Nao. At that time I was very sick, but I closed my eyes and I felt like I was in a perfect world where anything I wanted could come true! It was amazing, really. Whatever the name given to that planet, the name will be immortal. Ten years from now, a hundred years from now, a thousand years from now, as long as there's human on earth, Xena and Gabrielle's name won't be forgotten. Tell me, is there any television show ever got that kind of honor???
Xena deserves it, I do believe so. The show has changed my life for the better, and maybe it has changed many many lives besides mine. It inspires me in many ways and it never gets old or boring. And you know what else's amazing? It'll mean that the WHOLE WORLD admits that Xena and Gabrielle belong together, whether they see them as friends or lovers. When there's a moon accompanying the Xena planet, no one thinks that the moon should be named Ares or Borias or Marcus or Joxer(?!) or whatever. Everyone automatically calls that moon Gabrielle.
There's one more thing that's amazing. It proves Xena's promise to Gabrielle: 'Even in death, Gabrielle, I will never leave you.' It's the most romantic sentence I've ever heard ever, because I know that it's true in the matter of Xena and Gabrielle. Well, now it is proven. It is proven that they will be together for eternity. Damn, as long as I'm concerned, the planet and the moon of Xena and Gabrielle can be the symbol for a perfect love!
I hope that planet will really be called Xena. She's now more than a TV character, she's a legend! Maybe she doesn't exist, maybe she's just a made-up character. But she can really change the world. Look at the way she changed me! If I don't know better, I'll say that she's a God-sent! For me, she is. She is a God-sent to remind me every time, that living is all about loving.

An Attempt In Judging

I surprised myself that I invented a way in judging people, given my dislike in judging people. But I think this one is pretty useful for me, or for people who want to predict how I will react to something. Heh heh. Well, I write this just spending time between my last exam and a meeting I have to attend, so I'd better be hurry.
Okay... here goes nothing.
In judging people I'll use this analyze:
1. Is what they do will hurt someone else?
(Including 'hurt' someone's heart or of course, physically. But if the 'someone else' is actually not affected by the doing, but they CHOOSE to feel hurt, it doesn't count.)
2. Do they have control over what they do?
3. Do they do what they do based on love for other people?
4. Is there any life saved by what they do?
These are the answers I expect from the questions: yes-no-yes-yes. As long as there are two out of four match my expectations, then I consider the action can be forgiven or can be done, or can be understood.
Well, I have no time to give an example for this analyze, I'll try to continue other time, but if you have a case for me to try this on, gimme. I will try to analyze it my way.
And just for warning, I don't exactly use this everytime I judge people. And this judgement isn't always correct, I just had some fun analyzing my own feelings. Heh heh. Talk about trying to intellectualizing a way to judge people! :p

Gia Carangi

This is one wallpaper I made for a wonderful someone. Though I've never known her (granted, I was born in the year she died!), I read stories about her life, I even watched a movie about her life, and I've seen pictures taken form the days of her life. And I think, "Wow! This person is really wonderful!"
She is Gia Carangi.

When I see her pictures, sometimes I think she's the art itself, you know. There's something about her that demands attention and admiration. And from her movie, I really admire her personality, too. She's wild, free, but at the same time, so fragile, too. I've read her quotes, and well, they are great too. She's just so... natural. Of course the fact that she's an open gay supermodel matters too. Oh, and the fact that she died from AIDS. Once again I'm reminded of how short life is and that AIDS is a terrible disease we should fight.

So, I dedicate this wallpaper for her. If you wonder why the wallpaper is so simple, it's because I made it only with power point. It's the only way I can make wallpaper with my old computer. Heh heh. But I'm proud.

God's Intentions

Maybe this will outrage many people, but when I have something to write, to hell with 'many people'!

I think some of God's intention had been wrongly interpreted by human, you know. Like AIDS. Maybe initially God created that disease to warn people who used drugs, and maybe also to remind people how short their lives really are so that they'll cherish everyday. But human misinterpreted it as a disease for gays. But AIDS isn't only a gay disease. In fact it's even easier to spread among heterosexual couples if said sexually. But the number of gays with AIDS increased dramatically because many of them, like how people like to imagine them, are druggers, bohemians, homelesses, and even criminals. Some of the reasons they're like that, though, is people-at-large's fault, for they're failed to accept gays in the society. Of course, some of the reasons are their own faults, for gays are just like ordinary people. They're not just victims. Some of them also had choices and they chose the wrong choice.

I'm pretty flexible about things and I even know that I've done the same mistakes with other people in judging something. I know that I used my OWN judgment as my standard too many times. But I still use my heart too and that makes me see that nothing is absolutely right or wrong. Even though I hate discrimination so much I still can see why they discriminate people.

Today I found this article in Jawa Pos (yesterday edition) and I think this is so true:
"Penggunaan logika dosa-bencana sebaiknya didasarkan kepada prinsip kehati-hatian, setidaknya untuk menghindari dua hal. Tanpa disadari, manusia, kata Erich Fromm, bermetamorfosis menjadi Tuhan. Manusia melakukan tindakan tertentu yang seharusnya menjadi otoritas Tuhan."

This is absolutely right. Who are you to condemn other people? Who are you to say that people deserve to suffer because they must be sinners? Let them see it themselves. You are NOT God. You can't see if beneath the hostility they show they have hospitality or not. You can't see behind what your eyes catch. You have no right to judge people that harsh. You can judge people, of course, after all we're only human. But we have to try to minimize it. Of course we're allowed to give our opinion about something, but try to differ giving opinions with downright judging something.

For example, Jogja's earthquake. We can say that, "Oh, MAYBE they've done something bad. I hope they can introspect themselves." But we mustn't judge them, "They MUST have done something horrible! Therefore, they ARE sinners and I won't help them."

Same with my not liking RUU APP in the least. I said it's downright stupid, I hate it, but I don't say, "You'll go to hell if you do that." I really think that the people who sent smses telling, "If you don't legalize RUU APP right now you'll be the first person to go to hell." is the one who should check themselves. Who are you to condemn people like that? Remember, you're just HUMAN. You don't know what God thinks. And you're very possibly wrong.

My New Song

I had the inspiration for this song last night while I was studying for my exams and playing the sims... I don't know why, but the more stressed out I am, the more inspired I am! During these 4 days of exams I've made THREE songs! Heh, what would you say for that???? Not to mention that I'm more determined to play sims than to study. Hicks, that one is really not right! But, Nao, I'm sure you'll like the sims I made! I've even made Joxer!!! Hah hah hah.
So, where am I? Oh, yeah. This song's for my dear best friend. I know this isn't much (I know that my weakness is the lyrics... hicks!), but this is the first time I make you a song, isn't it? Truth be hold, I'm inspired by your own post. Hehe. So I'll give this song the same title you used for your post.

Dear Friend

I've never meant for us to be best friend
But one day we met again and everything just seemed right
And from that day on we share the laughters
The happiness of the days always on my mind
There are tears to be shed, there are secrets to share
There are songs to be sung in rhyme
But I believe that you'll still be there for me
Like today when I sing this song for you
Cause friend's not someone you will forget when you're apart
And friend's not someone you'll leave behind with memories
But friend is someone you'll give thanks and cherish all your life
Cause there's no other friend like you

Hm... I kinda like the reffrain, but I can't find the right words for it... so if you have an idea please let me know. Heh heh.
Anyway, thanks for clearing my blog and thanks for being you!

RUU APP

I'll be damned if the RUU APP becomes the UU APP!!! That piece of shit isn't worth any good unless it's used in a moslem country because all of the content is based only on islamic rules. Those idiots who want to make it as a legal UU are just selfish, ignorant, fanatic, unthinking, retarded morons!!! This isn't a moslem country!!! Indonesia is a secular country based on its bhineka tunggal ika. Maybe it's right that garuda pancasila is infected by the bird flu. It's not able to grip the bhineka tunggal ika anymore.
I'm so ashamed of this country and day by day I love Indonesia no more. How can I love a country which always refuse to take me? No matter what I do, people always look at me as chinese, they don't care that I was born and raised here. And though they claim to accept five religions in Indonesia, in the end it's still moslem only that rules. Though many countries are just the same about gay marriage, what hurt me most is that if the RUU becomes UU, loving people of the same sex will be counted as pornoaksi. Damn, I'm positively mad! Since when loving somebody counts as pornoaksi?!! I bet those idiots also have wives, also having sex! Why doesn't that count as pornoaksi too???
But there're some really funny things, too, that they want to make an exception for Bali, sport, and traditional arts for wearing 'open' clothes. It's ridiculous! What UU has exceptions like that??? Down right ridiculous!
Many people don't know about this RUU, including my own friends who are college students, so they don't do anything to confront it. Damn. I've tried to tell as many friends I can about this RUU, and I can only hope that they can act out on it, too.

Words From My Past

Words From My Past

There are many things I've learned through the years. Some of them are still with me, some of them I don't believe anymore. For now, I find myself very selfish. I only believe in MY own God. I only believe in MY own philosophy. I only trust MYself. I only trust MY judgement. But my life isn't all about me. What if my judgement is wrong?
If I do wrong and people are angry to me because of that, I'll feel guilty and ashamed. Of I do right and people accuse me I'll only be angry or so-so, because I know that I'm not wrong. But if people are angry at me because of something I can't change, I'll feel hurt, and sad, and angry. I don't know if my being gay is right or wrong, it's not my place to judge that because the one one who can judge that is God, but it's clear that I can't change it. No matter if I'm born gay or I'm raised differently so I became gay, the only thing that matters is that I can't change it. It's the same feeling when people are angry at me because I'm chinese. I'll feel just the same when they're mad at me for being a woman, for being born in June, for being so young, for being right-handed, or for my being rather tall.


About life, death, and something we can't change:

We're always like that. We see our friends... our family... our beloved, alive and talking, laughing, moving, feeling... and then... something happens and we just can't believe that the dead body in front of us is the same person with she/he was the day before.

I really don't know... maybe we should just go with the flow for everything we don't have control over. We can't enjoy every second we have with someone if everything we think of when we're with them is that they will die someday and we HAVE to make the most of our given time together. Maybe sometimes it's okay to feel that this moment we're in will last forever, to take absolutely everything we have for granted. But only sometimes. We have to go back to reality sooner or later. Yeah, I think in the matter of life and death there's nothing we can do. Regret is very hard to cope with, so try to never take anything for granted, but when you're in one very special moment and you want the moment to last forever, just go with the feeling and hold on until reality comes back to you. Because it's those kind of moments that REALLY will last forever, no matter what happens ahead. You'll have the memory. It's those kind of moments that will help you through the hardest of times. Don't ruin it by thinking that maybe it's the last day you have on earth.

Anyway, life is funny and unpredictable. No matter how wise you are, no matter how careful you take care of your life, sometimes it's just no use. And then, someday when we have gone through all that, we'll laugh at how hard we tried to change something we can't change.

My Condolensce To Jogja

My Condolensce To Jogja
I intended to go to Jogja as a volunteer but in the end my study and organization take control. Afterall, almost all of my beloved friends are okay and I don't want my family to worry about me. There's only one little problem that disturb me most. Someone I once loved, my first love, actually. My smses aren't one replied. I don't know if she's okay or not, I don't know how about her home and her family, and what worry me most is that she lives near one of the most damaged area.
Dear best friend, I'm so glad that you're okay and most of all I'm relived that you have someone who'll be with you no matter what, that's why I can be not worry much about you. I don't know how you feel or what you went through, but I understand that it must be a big trauma for you. I just hope there's something more I can do. Now, even connecting with you all seems so hard to do. My best wishes for Jogja and I'll pray for Jogja that it won't happen ever again. This once is more than enough already!
I guess it's God's message for us... just like what Ebiet G Ade said... I always liked his songs. We just should blend more with the nature.

Feel Empty

Lately, few things matter to me. I'm bored as hell. No, that doesn't mean that I don't have a mountain of tasks waiting to be done, but I'm bored. It's like anything I do won't make any change, and I don't care if I do it well or not because it doesn't matter for me. I think I know why I'm like this, but there's nothing I can do. When I love, I love with all my heart that it becomes the source of my power and energy (or so my friends say). But now, when I love no one, when no face appear on my mind everytime the day gets rough... I lose the will to fight, to compete, to win. I hope this semester will end soon enough and I can go home, or at least for my target of affection to hurry home. I'm just so lost without that smile.

I'm A Rent-head!

Oh, Gosh! I'm A Rent Head!

I can't believe I haven't written about RENT yet!
I love that show so much, you know. The songs, the plot, the love, and the life.

Let's start with the easiest one: The Plot.
I like it so much that the plot is simple but not boring. There were a group of Bohemians (I don't care how people describe bohemian, but for me, they are 'free people'). First, Mark, the film maker, who's Roger (songwriter)'s roomate. Mark's an ex-boyfriend to Maureen, who's a performer, who's now Joanne (a lawyer)'s girlfriend. And then there's Benny who's Mark, Roger, Colins, and Maureen's ex-roomate. And there's Mimi, 19-year-old stripper who's Mark and Roger's neighbour and who has the thing with Roger. Then Tom Colins, which is by far my favorite character besides Maureen and Joanne, he's also an ex-roomate. He met Angel (a drag queen) on the street, who's also Mimi's friend and they're both with HIV, and they fall in love. The plot provides each character with fair time for us to know them pretty well. If I'm asked who's the main character in this movie, I'm really sorry, I don't know. For my eyes, all of them are the main characters. Each of them has their own importance, just like each of the people in the world.

The Love & The Life
Rent is so rich with love! There are straight love story (Roger & Mimi), bisexual love story (Mark and Maureen), gay love story (Colins and Angel), and even lesbian love story (Maureen and Joanne). Very well done! They're all Bohemians, they don't judge themselves and others. "It's between God and me." How true. They are as poor as a mouse, of course except Joanne, they are with HIV, they are losers to the eyes of the world, but they are wonderful people for me. They are rich, in fact, for they have friends and they have love, and they have freedom. Like Angel. When Mimi met her for the first time, she was being harassed by some guys, and she said, "I'm more of a man than you'll ever be, and more of a woman than you'll ever get." Though her body's getting worse by the AIDS, her spirit never dies. And her spirit doesn't stop in her own self, it has sproud among the gang in the end. And Maureen, she does seem like the type who's so confident with her own skin (which she does) and she flirts with everybody. Everybody wants her, boys and girls alike. That makes Joanne who's the type-A gal jealous and worried sick. But as you can see in the end, when they're watching Mark's film, as she sings 'I die without you', she clutches Joanne's arm... and the expression says silently that she does love her very much, and that Joanne's the one and only for her, no matter with whom she flirts. The most wonderful character for me is Angel, after all.

Now the best part of the show: The Songs.
From the time when the first chorus kicked in, I was glued to my seat. "Seasons of Love"

525600 minutes, 525000 moments so dear
525600 minutes, how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525600 minutes,
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love
525600 minutes, 525600 journeys to plan
525600 minutes, how do you measure a life of a woman or a man?
In truths that she learned?
Or in times that he cried?
In bridges he burned?
Or the way that she died?
It's time now, to sing out, though the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Measure in love
Seasons of love

Then the second, upbeat song "Rent" played. I like the fire thing. It has kind of 'feeling' in it.
The third song is "You'll See". Both Rent and You'll See don't leave much feel in my ear, though. Just... 'it was good'.
And then we see Angel playing rhythm on a drum. Though it's only rhythm, ow, it was wonderful. I like it so much.
The next song to be played is "One Song Glory". It's a sad, sad song. And still, it doesn't have its way to my heart the first time I heard it.
Now, here is the first song which gave me an inkling that probably, I would love this movie, anyway: "Light My Candle". It's a light, flirty, playful song. And it's goooood. Half a room in my heart for that song.
The first time I heard "Today For You" it didn't impress me much, but I like that song, too. But now I like it much better.
Here, here! This is the first song I really love! From the first time I heard it I already loved it. The bittersweet "Tango Maureen". I love Joanne's voice and I like how her voice mixed with that of Mark's. And of course, I enjoyed the tango. Oh, yeah, I love a line of that song, "Might as well, dance a tango to hell, at least I have tangoed at all." Isn't that always like that with something called 'love'?
Then the "No Day But Today" song! Owwwwww, I love that song! The first time it's played is in the Life Support.

There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret
Or life is your to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today

How true! The lyrics struck me hard and it stays with me, and it will be in my heart everytime I start to take granted.
Then the REALLY flirty "Out Tonight", mixed with harsh "Another Day" and again, "No Day But Today". Wow. Wonderful. "There is no future, there is no past. I live this moment as my last." "I can't control my destiny, I trust my soul. My only goal is just to be."

There's only now, there's only here
Give in to love, or live in fear
No other path, no other way
No day but today

Then the "Will I" song. This song is simple, but touch my heart in the perfect place, as I think about people who's suffering from AIDS singing this song. But now I realize, this song fits more than to people with AIDS. Everyone has their own share of fear, that they will left alone and no one will care. When I made mistake last week and thought that I probably outted myself mistakenly, I sang this song repeatly again and again.

Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

Aah, the wishful thought of "Santa Fe"! Ow, I'm like that, too, plus minus, for I do dream of opening up a restaurant. Not in Santa Fe, but who knows? Haha.
Now THIS is my favorite song in the movie. "I'll Cover You". Romantic, wishful, playful. And I love the way Colins and Angel sing it. Soooo well-matched of voice as well as performance! And it's so romantic also because the song ends with a kiss. Yippie.

Live in my house, I'll be your shelter
Just pay me back with one thousand kisses
Be my lover, I'll cover you
Open your door, I'll be your tenant
Don't got much baggage
to lay at your feet
But sweet kisses I've got to spare
I'll be there and I'll cover you
I think they meant it
when they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it
a new lease you are, my love
on life, be my life
Just slip me on, I'll be your blanket
Wherever, whatever, I'll be your coat
You'll be my king and I'll be your castle
No, you'll be my queen, and I'll be your moat
I've longed to discover something as true as this is
So with a thousand sweet kisses
When you're cold and you're lonely
With a thousand sweet kisses,
You've got one nickel only
With a thousand sweet kisses,
When you're worn out and tired
I'll cover you
when your heart has expired
oh, lover,
I'll cover you

Oh, then Maureen's show. "Over The Moon". First time I saw it, I went like, "What on earth is that???" It was weird. But now I enjoy it, too, though I don't love it much.
"La Vie Boheme" ROCKS!!!! Ow, this is a very very bohemian song! It's so free, with lyrics and with melody! It's simply the best! My second favorite after "I'll Cover You" for 'having-fun music'. "To being an us for once instead of a them." "It's between God and me."
Sadly the happy boheme has to be cut for "I Should Tell You". It's a sweet song, too. But it just sets another tone. Thankfully, though, the tone sets back quickly. "Let he among us without sin be the first to condemn." Ow, the song blows my mind!
The next song is again, "Seasons of Love with different lyrics.
Then, welcome to Joanne's and Maureen's engagement party. So fancy. But the flirting Maureen and the jealous Joanne kicked in and they sang "Take Me or Leave Me". The song is funny, sexy, and though it's a break-up song, it's beautiful. "Women, what is it about them, can't live with them or without them." Frustating, huh? But it also proves that really, in fact, despite her over flirting side, Maureen really loves Joanne. She can have anyone she wants, but she chooses Joanne.
After that, things get so sad. "Without You" is the song for all the couples. Maureen and Joanne are both sad from the break up. Roger and Mimi break up too, coz Roger finds out that Benny and Mimi get together and they were lovers once. And Angel's in the hospital, with Colins by her side all the time. She dies.
All the gang are in the Angel's funeral. Colins sings "I'll Cover You" again in slow tone. It's so touching. I cried the first time I heard it. The song is mixed with "Sesons of Love" which made it even more graceful and touching and rich.
But outside the church, Roger vs Mimi and Maureen vs Joanne start to confront. Ow, "Goodbye, Love" hurts. "I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had. Someone to live for, unafraid to say 'I love you'."You'll never share real love until you love yourself." Though it's a goodbye song for Roger and Mimi, Maureen and Joanne get back together after that song.
The upbeat "What You Own" is a realization song. "The film maker cannot see, the songwriter cannot hear. Yet I see Mimi everywhere, Angel's voice is in my ear." Funny, Mark the film maker can only hear Angel's voice while Roger the songwriter can only see Mimi's eyes. But in the end of the song finally, they can. "Angel, I see it, I see it in my film. Mimi, I hear you, I hear you, my song."
The next song is "I Should Tell You" mixed with "Another Day" and "Your Eyes", when Mimi is found dying and Roger sang to her.
And the end. The ending is as wonderful as the film. "No Day But Today" mixed with "Will I" and "Without You". This is where you'll see what this film is all about. It's so dramatically ended, too, as Angel be the last scene shown with the lyrics: "No day but today".
No day but today, indeed. So I'll make as many my friends as possible to watch this. Go RENT!

The Kind of Person I Will Love

The Kind of Person I Will Love

I know whom I'll love.
Someone who can drop tears for someone else's pain. Someone who sees the good in people. Someone who realizes that I'm not about my looks or my skills, but my heart, my crowning glory. And believe me, though I think look is important, it's useless without the heart I seek.
I never need someone who's so strong, magnificent, and all that. Not physically. But I need those who has the kindness of the heart. Those who is willing to help others without repayment. Those who is brave enough not to care their own good or bad, helping others with all they might. Those who has love in their heart and act using that as the source. Because it's that kind of person who will have the greater strength. It's the kind of person who will love me to never end. It's the kind of person whom I will love.
I really like Xu Xian. He/she (I'll refer him as 'she', anyway he's a she) was really the kind of person I want to fall in love with. Smart, kind, honest (She can't even lie to save her own life! Thank God she's so smart), and wonderfully loving. She's also very romantic, funny (in stupid ways, which always makes me laugh)... perfect. In that kind of time, husbands always rule his family. But the kind of husbands who succeed in his life are the kind of husbands like Xu Xian, who listen to their wives. I like it so much how Xu Xian handles his family. It's like both of them rule the family. That's the kind of family I want in. There's no separated job desc for both the couple, but they both do what they can do. Even though Xu Xian is the husband, when Bai Shu Zhen has a better idea, he lets her make the decision. And even though cooking is 'women's task', he doesn't mind cooking and serving his wife. But he also has enough pride to be ashamed that he can't be as strong as his wife that he even thinks to practice martial arts. Funny, and yet, so romantic and thoughtful of her. And even when she's on the edge of dying, she still thinks of her wife first.
Well, the qualities I mentioned above... I guess I have them too, even though not as pure as Han Wen's because mine is from my training myself, not naturally so. The person I will fall in love with will notice that. Even though I don't tell her, even though I don't do it in front of people, she'll know. She'll see it and notice it. And she'll appreciate and love it as much as I love hers. Like Xu Xian and Bai Shu Zhen. They're both kindhearted and they both know that it's what made them attracted to each other in the first place. Besides, they're connected through the debt of kindness.
I know that the kind of person I want to love is very rare in this world. But I believe with all my heart that there's really a person like that for me. It doesn't matter if others want to laugh at me. Around me, there's a friend who sometimes surprises me with her thoughtfulness. And there's one more friend who didn't mind accompany me walking a really long distance just to repair my cell phone. There must be someone who has the kind of heart I seek for. And I believe I will find her.

The Princess and Her Pirate

The Princess and Her Pirate

Everytime I watch movie and there's a gay character in it, I end up groaning, fully disappointed. Usually the gay character is either just 'passing by' (ex. Legally Blonde, Under The Tuscan Sun, Miss Congeniality), as a villain or as a bad person (ex. Legally Blonde, Eurotrip, Gia, Monster), the gay character is actually not gay at all (ex. Kissing Jessica Stein, Mean Girls), they die in the end - and not a pretty death it was (ex. Monster, Gia), the gay thing is just added to make the story (ex. Bend It Like Beckham)... well, to summon it up, usually in the movies which have gay character in them, I've never seen the gay character to have a happy ending (as in 'they live happily ever after') with someone they love. Maybe there're actually movies with gay character which happy ending like this movie I've just watched recently, but they never reach my area. At least not yet. Fortunately this movie does reach my area. D.E.B.S.
When I rented this movie, I expected nothing. I just saw the movie in the site 'Dyke Drama' and I thought, 'What the heck, I'll watch it'. But the story grew more than I've ever expected! There's no coming out story, there's no dealing with sexual orientation, there's no drugs involved, there's no... nothing! There're just two people falling in love with each other. That's is. Two people who just happen to be both women. And the conflict isn't even because they're both women, but because they belong to two parties who are opposites: villain and cop. The story would be just the same if the two characters are of the opposite sex. And that's why I love the movie. It shows us that the love between two women is just as simple, as pure, as sweet, and as cute as a love between woman and man can be. It's just a love story.
Really, for those who think that love is just a simple thing and should be cherished for just what it is, you should watch this movie. I bet you'll smile to yourself in the end. It's so simple! Just like Romeo and Juliet (in this case, Juliet and Juliet) with happy ending. Heh heh heh. Because in this movie Lucy wants to be a pirate and Amy is the 'miss perfect' who could always have whatever she wants, I give the movie a new title: 'The Princess and Her Pirate'.
I'm so glad I ran into this movie. Finally after watching a movie with gay characters in it, I can smile.

How Do I Know When I'm In Love?

How Do I Know When I'm In Love?

How do I know when I'm in love?
I feel my heart beats twice faster whenever I see her
I feel my breath caught at her beauty
And all the speeches leave me
For I've got nothing to say but praises for her
I feel a blush creeps up to my face whenever our eyes meet
And I feel my hand shaking when she's nearby
I feel like I want to see into her eyes forever
And I need to be close to her
I feel a peace and contentness when she's beside me
Just like when I'm cuddling to my pillows at night
I feel the need to touch her
Ever so gently and so tenderly
I want to lay my head on her shoulder
And share with her my dreams and hopes
I want to share the happiness, the pain, and the hurt
We both went through before we met each other
I want to kiss away all her tears
And bring a smile to her sweet lips
I want to hold her hand so firmly yet so gently
And never let go
I want to believe in her
For she is one spark of truth in the world of lies
I want to trust her with my heart
Knowing that she won't ever break it
I want to love her with all my heart and soul
Give her all of me, all I have and all I'll ever want
And promise her that my love will never end
Through the time, through death, and through eternity.

In The Name of Love

In The Name of Love

Hey, you know what I've just figured out? It's that maybe, whatever we do, if we do it in the name of love, it will feel right. Even killing somebody else. Even hurting people. Even betraying your loved ones. Even destroying a country. It will feel right.
Whatever I do, I always try to follow my heart because I thought that love will guide us to the right path. I've always believed it. But is it true? Until now after realizing it, I don't stop believing in love, but is it always right? Love can make you do the most astonishing thing on earth, but it can also guide you to destruction. It can make you do good things and it can make you do cruel things. We can save someone's life or kill someone else. We can make a better world or a worse world. We can start or stop a war. It doesn't matter. As long as we do it for love, it will feel right. But then come again the question: is it ACTUALLY right?
We are not God, I'm not God. I just take a little time everyday to think what if what I did is not right in God's eyes, even though it felt perfectly right for me because I did it in the name of love? If in the name of love I saved a murderer's life only to have him killing someone else afterwards, did I do right? If in the name of love I hurt my beloved because I didn't want to cause a deeper pain, is what I did right? If in the name of love I ignored religion's lessons and being gay, is what I did right? There're so many examples of this dillema, but when I'm faced with these problems I know what I'll do. I will choose to save that murderer's life, to hurt my beloved, and to ignore the religion's lessons.
Well, maybe God gives us the gift of love so He can control us. I've ever heard the saying that maybe love is God's instrument to make human regenerate. Heh heh, love's so much more than that, because love isn't just between man and woman. There're many kinds of love and if love is God's instrument, well, He can control every aspect of our lives!
You know why I choose to follow my heart everytime the road leads me to a hard choice? The answer is simple, really. I'm not God and I don't know what God wants me to do, so I do the only thing I could: following the only guide God's provided human with; love.

Gay Marriage

Gay Marriage

I've read a lot of articles in a local newspaper to know that the newspaper did well to be neutral about gay and lesbian. But it seems that the readers never read all those articles. ALL of the commentaries about gay and lesbian marriage are negative. They either downright not approving it or doesn't care at all. Some of the commentaries made me really disappointed. It said something like this, "Semua agama menganggap homoseksualitas sebagai dosa. Apa-apaan mereka kok malah menuntut pernikahan secara sah?" Then there's one who commented like this, "Homoseksualitas itu dosa dan cuma menularkan AIDS saja."
It seems to me that they commented like that either because their lacks of brains or heart. For one point, the HIV/AIDS does NOT just spread among gays. For your information, silly pretty lady, HIV/AIDS spreads also spreads among heterosexuals as well. Mostly it spreads among those using drugs and the prostitutes. But if you wanna know my opinion, the HIV/AIDS spreads a lot among gays because of YOU. IF all people are like you, gay marriage will never be legal. And if it never be legal, chances are they will never be married. And single people are free to sleep with anybody. The 'anobody' could be people infected with HIV/AIDS. And, BOOM! Welcome to the ODHA world. How about drugs? It's the same. Most parents disown their children when they come out as gays. Most bosses fire their employees when they know their employees are gays. Most classmates ignore or even make fun of their gay friend. With stresses like that, do you think it's strange that more gays choose to use drugs? Of course, not all gays are angels, but so are straight people. We're just human, just like you.
About religions disapprovement of gays, it's true. But religions are something made by humans, just like philosophy. If religions are DIRECTLY from God, then why there are MANY religions? Not to say that all of them differ significantly from one another. If religions are made by Gods, there should be only ONE religion, or at least a few similar religions. But no, all religions differ so much from each other. Even Catholic and Christian which have the same bible are so different in the teaching. Who am I kidding? Even in the same religion, different priest could teach differently. How many centuries have passed? The teaching has been taught and taught and taught by many different people. I can hardly believe that the teaching is original to the details anymore. Now, because I'm Catholic, I'll talk about the Bible. They say the Bible condemn gays. Because of Sodom and Gomorah. But their sins are much more than just being gays. It's their way of treating people. There's ONE passage where St. Paul condemned homosexuality, but the passage contains the words LUST, DOESN'T ACCEPT GOD, FULL OF ENVY, MURDER, FIGHT, MALICIOUS, FOUL MOUTH, GOD-HATER, BIG-HEADED, UNFAITHFUL TO THEIR SPOUSES, etc, etc. But from what I see, it is NOT true. Homosexuality is not just about sex. It's about love too. By the way, even if it's just all about sex, so are many heterosexual marriages in the modern days. And who says gays don't accept God? Many gays are so religious that they tried to deny who they are just to prove that they are not sinners. Some succeed, some finally come to their senses and realize that they can't live denying who they are. But they still are faithful. I accept God, but the God I accept is a loving, fair, and forgiving God, not the God who likes to kill whoever dare not to listen to him. Jesus himself forgive those who killed him, will he punish gays from marrying their true love? I don't think so. By the way, do you know that many heterosexuals like to condemn God and just downright atheis? About full of envy, yes, we 'envy' heterosexual couples for having the right to marry legally. But if that's so, so did those black people who 'envied' the white people for having many better rights several centuries ago. God-hater! Devinitely not. If I hate God I would not pray or thanking Him, while I do pray everyday and I thank Him for creating me as a gay. Big-headed. Hahaha. Yeah, that's who I am. STUPID. Big-headed is a person's character. It depends on the person. Just count for yourself how many heterosexual people who are big-headed out there!!!! Unfaithful to their spouses. Heh. Lets see back to our topic. Gay marriage. If they are unfaithful, for what do they strive so hard to have a legal marriage???? Don't believe me? Read any articles about gay marriage. Those who are lucky enough to finally get married legally have been couples for many years. 8, 21, 5, 4, 23 years. Even there's a couple who've been together for 50 years. Unfaithful, you say? Why don't you see the heterosexual Britney Spears who got married for only A DAY before filling a divorce??? Really, the Bible needs revision, coz some of it are only human's thought, just philosophy, and is now out-dated. Don't believe me? Okay, now lets kill ALL people who commit adultery. What? Jesus forgave Mary Magdalena? Huh-uh, so why won't you forgive gays???
For the writer of 'Apa-apaan mereka kok malah menuntut pernikahan sah'. You are clearly a person who never falls in love. Have you ever fall in love? How would you feel if you can't marry the one you love? Interracial marriage has been banned in America years ago. People think it made no sense, and now it is legal. Interreligion marriage has been banned in Indonesia until now, but more and more people marry people with different religion coz they can do it religiously or in other country. Well, my family's never so fond of insurance or wills or anything with many paperworks. If someday I want to marry a woman, maybe I'll be okay with just a commitment ceremony. But in developed countries, everything has paperworks. Couples with no legal marriage can't do many things for their loved ones. Really, it's not fair at all. People who marry just for money, or just for position, or simply just for sex can get married legally as long as they're heterosexuals, but people who really love each other can't get married simply because they are homosexuals. Don't you even have a heart?
Marriage doesn't come from the court, doesn't come from a wedding, doesn't come from signed papers, doesn't come from blessing of a church. Marriage only comes from the heart of two people who really love each other and are willing to commit themselves to each other and each other only, till their dying day. Gays strive for legal marriage only for the previllege of filling paperworks not as 'single' while they do have a spouse.
Homosexuality never hurts anybody, why people are so scared of it? Make children's moral down? Damn, so it's better to expose them to hatred and prejudice? They first hate gays, then they hate those who don't have the same religion as they are and then they hate those who have different race. Pooh. What makes you think a loving couple can't raise good children while a child-abusing couple could? Why can't gay couples adopting a baby while there're so many heterosexuals people trying to abort their children? It's just so absurd!
One more point for me to make: homosexual people who are homosexual from the day they were born can't be changed, so it's a waste to bring them to phsychologist or something like that. They can pretend to be 'healed' by forcing themselves to marry people with different gender, or they can just tell themselves times and times again that they are now 'normal', but it doesn't change the fact that they will be attracted to people with the same sex forever. It's hard to prove, but it's true because, well, I went trough it. I can't explain sexual attraction. If you know why you're attracted to opposite gender, please let me know. Maybe I'll find an answer to my sexual attraction as well.
Well, I just try to explain to you why gay marriage shouldn't be banned. Imagine if someone you love so much - like your siblings or your children - come out someday and they can't marry the one they love. Imagine if those you love must face the discrimination and prejudice for being who they are. And if you still can't find it in your heart to at least try to understand us, face it, you are simply homophobic (I strongly suggest that you contact your phsychologist before it's too late).

The Xena Story

The Xena Story

I'm really no good in talking... or writing, in this case. But I like writing, and I feel that I have to write this down someday, soon or later. I have to write this, to show how grateful I am that there's a show called Xena: Warrior Princess. It wasn't my first favorite show on TV and it wouldn't be the last, but I know one thing: there's never been a show that affected my life in the way XWP did. And I can imagine telling my grandchildren about the show years ahead.
It all began so easily. I was visiting my friend's home one Sunday afternoon and my friend and her sister were watching Hercules. I joined them, but after a while I decided to go home and watched Hercules there.
As you probably know, the Xena show was played after Hercules. I stayed tune after the Hercules show, and I watched Xena. Love at the first sight? Um... not that bad. But I did fall in love with the 'Miss Amphipolis', and I knew I had found my new favorite TV show. Ever since then, no matter what happened I always took time to watch Xena.
Well, I stopped watching Xena when I was in first grade of Junior High School because I fell in love with Oscar. It's only for a while, though. In the end, everything always led me back to Xena.
I didn't realize it at first... I watched Xena only for entertainment. But then slowly I realized... that I could learn a lot from Xena. Of course not about school subject. It's far more important. It's about life. Yes, I learned a lot from her. Like I always said, Xena taught me about love of friendship. Oscar taught me about love of eros. And Joan taught me about love of God. It's no longer true, by the way. Now, for me Xena had taught me everything about life without exception. Oscar had taught me about loyalty and leadership and strength, mostly in organizations. And Joan, well, she still kept me close to God.
This may take a rather long time, but I want to tell you how exactly did Xena change my life. To simplify it, she made me who I am today. I can honestly say that I am who I am today because I know Xena. It's not my tomboy way, it's not my sexual orientation. But she's in my principals of life, she's in my spirit, and she's in my love.
When I watched Xena I was a teenager. So it's not surprise that the effects she gave me were absorbed fully by my young mind. Thankfully, she's got only a feeeeeew of bad effects. I did spend more money for Xena stuffs and internet, I did become a little foul-mouthed, I did become a little like Xena... but well, it's all worth it, compared to what I've got through the years.
Sadly, I couldn't list the things I learned from Xena. They're way too many to list! Only, if someday I have kids, I want them to watch Xena. I want them to know what I've known through the show. To fight for the greater good, to listen to what your heart says, to help the unfortunate, to love your parents and to respect your children, to be thankful everyday for the things you have, to live your life to the fullest, to cherish every moment so that you won't regret anything, to open your mind to others, not to be prejudice and not to discriminate any groups of people, to be childish sometimes, to appreciate what you've been blessed with, to know how to forgive others, to know what strength really is, to know what life is all about. But the most important thing is the love. The show was full of love, really, and I don't mean eros love only. There're loves between man and woman, of course, but there're also love between women, love between mother and child, love between friends, love to God, and well, all kinds of love were in the show. You name it.

About the show:
I love Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor! You know that the Xena show always invites the debate of 'are they or aren't they', right? Do you know why, inspite of the story-line that made Gabrielle marry Perdicus and Xena was in love with more men than I can count, most people seem to agree that they're lovers? One of the reason why is because Lucy and Renee seemed to have 'the spark'. You try to see a scene when Xena and Gabrielle looked into each other's eyes. Or when one of them tried to comfort the other. Or when they simply smiled to each other, hugged, or laughed together, or just simply being together. There's something unmistakable, that they're soulmates, that they're meant only for each other. They have the spark that make people see that they're only right for each other. That they just simply belong to one another.
In the real life they are just casual friends - well, close friends, maybe. But they are not lovers. You know what's funny? What's funny is when I look at Lucy and Renee (not Xena and Gabrielle), I see two close friends, that's all. I don't see the spark of soulmates between them like what I see when I see Xena and Gabrielle. Maybe it's because they're just NOT Xena and Gabrielle. They don't have Xena and Gabrielle's history, they don't have Xena and Gabrielle's personalities.
Well then, the show has everything I've ever wanted to see on screen! Humor, music, action, horor, romance... the show gets everything! I've never seen a better show on TV. I just wonder why don't more people watch the show. If more people love that show, maybe - just maybe - this world will be a better place to live. Like what Xena said, "Peace might be boring, but it's all anyone really wants."

About fan fictions:
When I first tried to read a fan fiction it was about Xena and Gabrielle being lovers. I just couldn't bear reading about two women together at that time (I was too young, anyway, and I was prejudice like I was taught to be). So I never tried to read any fan fiction again until I knew that there're general fan fictions out there. I read one. I think it's called 'Love's Rendition' by Tragedy88. The story was about two women but it didn't have the 'sex scene' so I was okay and I loved the story! After that one I seek for more and more fan fictions. After sometimes the general story made me bored (because the main characters always ended up doing nothing!) so I transfered to alternative story. I forgot what's the first alt fanfic I've ever read, but the best fanfic I've ever read is 'I Found My Heart In San Francisco' by SX Meagher. It's the longest one I've ever read, too, but just like Xena, it never made me bored. I learned so much from Ryan O'Flaherty that I really think that she's my mentor in life.
Now I've read thousands of fanfics, but these are the fanfics that inspire me the most:
1. A Best Friend's Magic - Advocate
2. A Week In The Lives or The Week That Was - Maggie & PeriBear
3. A Year In Paris - Malaurie Barber
4. At First Sight - Colleen
5. Bard Challenge III - Alex
6. Because You Loved Me - Katelin B.
7. Blue Fire - C.E. Gray
8. Ding Dong Door Ditch - My Warrior
9. I Found My Heart In San Francisco - SX Meagher
10. Gabrielle's Gift - Queenfor4
11. Getting It Right - KG MacGregor
12. Hesed - Mayt
13. I Never Knew - KG MacGregor
14. Just Like Xena - LJ Maas
15. Making New Memories - LJ Maas
16. Lost Soul Walking - DJWP
17. Love's Rendition - Tragedy88
18. MVP - C.E. Gray
19. The Pappas Journals - Elaine Sutherland
20. Trilogy: Shaken, Stirred, Strained - KG MacGregor
21. Snowbound - Queenfor4
22. None So Blind - LJ Maas
23. Mel & Janice Series - Enginerd
24. This Is A First Time Story - Temora
25. The Evening's Tale - Silk
26. Xena & Gabrielle Series - Enginerd
27. An Affair To Remember - Ambrosia
28. Between The Lines Series - Linda Crist
29. Undeniable - KM
30. Cold - Midgit
31. Madam President - Advocate (Blayne Cooper & T. Novan)
32. Happy Anniversary, Xena - LJ Maas
33. Out of India - Enginerd
34. Spin The Bottle - C.E. Gray
35. Earth Angel - C.E. Gray
36. The Brass Ring - Mavis Applewater
37. The Curse of The Conqueror - Enginerd
38. The Healing Touch Series - K. Darblyne
39. The Light Fantastic - LA Tucker
40. Twelve Days - Colleen
These are only a few of the total fanfics I like, really. I love 'em all and thank you, authors, for writing them and publishing them online. I know I can't afford to buy the book in print (I'm not in USA so it'll take even more money for the mailing).
It's a great Xenaverse out there and I'm proud to be one of them. Being a Xenite really is more than being simply a fan of a show or an actress. It's almost like a spiritual experience for me. I'm so glad I 'm what I am today. Thank you.

About Two Hurricanes

Warning: This one is my reply to my best friend's old post, just in case you're wondering. And by the way, no offense to both religions. Instead, I wrote this, trying hard to make the two religions understand that there's no use fighting each other.

About Two Hurricanes

Well, yeah. I don't know why, but it seems that the only two religions who have the most problems about each other are Christian and Islam.
I think it's because they're the religions which have the most fanatic members. They're religions which claim that they're the rightest religions exist. And because the rightest religion should be only one, so they confronted each other to win that position.
It's funny, really. I think, Nao, that the reason behind the fight is not their ego. Well, not all. I know that some people REALLY DO BELIEVE that it's what their 'GOD' wants them to do, that they must fight for their religion. And it's that kind of faith which is used by the egoistic people to have an army to beat the other religion. Like in Islam, there's an assumption (or maybe just a miss-intrepretation) that Christians are Kafir and should be hated. In Christian, they don't like it that moslems can marry with more than one wife.
Well, both of the religions are good, both are true, but they're a contrast of each other. They can't accept the differences because they both claim the position of the best religion, and how can the best religions have totally different teaching? One of them should be wrong!
Well, I'll tell ya. Both of them are load of craps. I meant no offense, but that's what I think. In the beginning, maybe, both of them are right and pure and all. But now the teachings of both religions have changed through the ages and have been intrepreted times and times again, and through the changes the original messages of God have been blurred. I see no God in hurting other people for no apparent reason. I see no God in hating another religion, I see no God in hating differences. I see no God in both of the religions when they claim to be the best religion in the world.
I see God when someone help another human being. I see God simply when someone offers me a ride home. I see God when the owner of the canteen allowed me to pay Rp 50,- less for the meal I bought. I see God when my mom cooked meal for me. I see God when my friends smile at me. I don't need religion at all to see God. I see God in people.
But because of religions sometimes I see Evil instead of God. The good and the bad are very very hard to recognize, they differ only a tiny bit! You help others to cheat. Good or bad? You stole to feed your children. Good or bad? You lie to save people's lives. Good or bad? You're married to more than one spouse. Good or bad? People with no religions. Good or bad? Gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, trans-gendered, queers, good or bad? Abortion, good or bad? Many things are blurred now. Many things have changed since 2000 BC. Not all of the teachings are true to the situation now. And by the way, about the wrongs in the teachings are mostly because of wrong intrepretations. And the other main cause is because of the 'rules' and 'law' and 'tradition' in the religion. It's not the words of God, but somehow people believe it as the words of God.
Both of the religions now have lost the single most important teachings of God: love. Love God, love others, love the earth, and love yourself. It's the summary of any religion books and teachings. Why is it so hard to get???