Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I'm Kneeling At The Altar In The Temple of Your Eyes

Oh God. I swear Melissa is one of your finest creations ever. I'm so thankful I'm so in love with her. I don't know how it happens or why, but I love her, then, now, and forever. Of course not in a romantic sense, though if I do know her maybe it'd be a different story. But it's good like this. If I know her and fall in love with her romantically I must have a broken heart, cause she belongs with Tammy. I've never seen such a perfect couple, ever!
But dammit, I love Melissa with all my heart and soul. You should come to one of her concerts, or at least like me, watching her performing live - to see her in her godly influence in people. ESPECIALLY this one concert: LIVE AND ALONE. From the title you should know that she performs LIVE, and ALONE. Yes, alone on stage, only with her guitar, or piano, or guitar and harmonica, etc. She's the only one I know who can perform that long without a band and rocking the house out. Damn. She really looks magnificent on stage. Her lyrics, her music, her way of interacting with people, the way her whole body expresses her music, and most of all, her honesty. How she comes up and front about everything, how she bares her soul... You know, one of my friends tell me the difference between having sex and making love is the presence of love and the barring of the souls. When you make love, it's really about loving and connecting your souls to each other, not just 'having fun'. It's like that with Melissa. She bares everything of her when she performs... it's really like I can see her soul and I love it. An honest, brave soul that has gone through pain and longing and healing until she's ready to love again. Okay, that's only for the album 'skin', but that's one of her albums that I admire the most. I love almost all of her songs and honestly I don't have ONE favorite song of hers because I really can't choose one. I can't even choose my top ten. Or even maybe my favorite 100. I've made an mp3 collection of her songs and I still have difficulties to choose which ones I want in the CD. It's like she just has a song to fit however my condition is. I love her, I really really really love her so much I can't even describe it. You really have to experience it for yourself, cause with Melissa, you really have to listen and open your heart. If you only want easy fun, well, you may get it with some songs, but not with others. Oh, and have I mentioned that she's beautiful to a fault??? :p

Monday, July 28, 2008

The Reason

It's been years since I came out to myself. Been years since I made a peace with myself. Been years since I can say I'm proud of who I am and that I'll seek my happiness without apologizing to anyone. Still if you see my blog, it's mostly still about gay. Some may complain that my blog is 'too gay', but really, it's a part of me, so how can I run away from it? Besides, it's the part of me that causes most trouble for me. That's why I talk about it so often.

Today I chatted with one of my oldest friends. Honestly our topic in chatting has changed dramatically since I came out to him (and he to me). :D But it doesn't matter. It actually feels nice to talk with someone without being asked, 'Are you never been in love? Why can't you talk about boys like us?' Or just something like that. And it certainly feels great to talk about girls I like without having to make them anonymous or being careful not to use 'she' or 'her', and dodging the question 'are you gay' without lying. Whew. I really can't wait to come out, though it scares the hell out of me, too. But that's not what I wanna talk about this time, so let's move on.

I said to him that I know why gay people who are finally settled (financially or romantically) become thougher, stronger, and kinder than most of the people. He replied this:
"In conclusion: we are so special, kita melebihi batasan-batasan medioker. Perhaps since the kid, we use our brain to think more about our gayness,then we maximize our brain power...kita sudah terlatih untuk membuka diri terhadap semua kemungkinan. Artinya kita juga mendorong diri kita sendiri untuk berpikir dan berbuat lebih. Kita menikmati rasa sakit, lebih daripada orang 'normal'. Kita menikmati kegembiraan, lebih daripada orang 'normal'."

The first sentence, 'we are so special', I can't agree. I know what he meant, but I don't like the using of 'we are special' to build gay pride. It grows into separation. I know in Indonesia there are gay people who are heterophobic. We're all special in our own way, and what I want is being equal, not being better than the majority of the population.

Since kid thinking about gayness? Well, at least in my case I don't think I thought about being gay when I was a kid. I just came to realization when I was older, not much different than when I decided that I like vanilla ice cream, not chocolate. Opening the mind to the endless possibilities.. I think I did that as a kid, just not in any gay context. When I was a kid I dreamed to be a wanderer. Even before I knew Xena, honestly. I wanted to bring the world into one nation, I wanted to make all the religions become only one... not under Jesus, not under Allah, not under whoever else, just under one God named love.

But pushing ourselves to think and to do more... maybe I can relate to that. It was only after I went to college that maybe there's a need in me to be respected and appreciated and loved more, because I wanted to prove that, here, you see, I am smart and strong and kind and bla bla bla, and I am gay. I just wanted people to see that all those stereotypes about gay people are simply wrong. (Some of them are really stupid, like that being gay is contangious. If that's true how come all of my friends and family aren't gay yet???)

And finally, the last sentence, we experience pain more than 'normal' people, and we experience happiness more than 'normal' people, I absolutely agree. We know how is it to be fighting ourselves, and when we win and come out to ourselves, we are still in the closet. We know how is it to live in fear of getting caught being gay (stupid phrase, but whatever) and in fear of losing our jobs or our friends and family just because of our sexual orientation. Then we come out and still we face the discrimination and laws and the difficulties of illegal marriage, extra paperworks because of that, having a baby, and raising children and protecting them from discrimination. And we face them all while still facing other problems 'normal' people have: work, sickness, death, money, etc. Oh, and we can't rely on parents and families cause not everybody has gay parents or families.

But we do experience happiness more than 'normal' people. We know how much our friends and families love us when they still accept us after they know we're gay. We have much more happiness for having a baby cause we have to go through so much to get one. And of course, marriage. Maybe in these days and age, gay people understand marriage better than straight people. Straight people usually take marriage for granted. They can get married, they just have to find someone to marry. Gay people, on the other side, even when they've been together for more than 50 years, their relationship isn't legal in the face of law. They still don't have hospital visit right, they have difficulties in adopting, etc. So when they can finally get married, after 22, 35, 48, 50 years, who feels the utmost happiness? I of course haven't experienced it myself, but even looking at the photos, listening to interviews, and reading the articles, are enough to make me cry out of happiness. "Tears and fears, and feeling proud, to say 'I love you' right out loud." How freeing is it? Even when there are protesters outside the fence, by the God, do you think they care even a bit? I felt anger when I saw the protesters, but dammit, they are just miserable souls who don't understand love and can't seek happiness that they are so bitter at other's happiness. Why should I mind them? I should pity them.

I guess Mr. Doel reasoned my statement with that last sentence. Gay people who are settled are tougher, stronger, and kinder than most people because we experience more pain and more happiness than them.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

I Could Have Been You

I'm scared of growing old
I shiver when I'm cold
Don't you think I bleed the same blood

It's not easy anymore
The way you used to keep score
Not so black and white the color of your sin
Take a walk inside my shoes
A path I didn't choose
Spend the night inside of my skin

If Melissa goes to hell, so will I. I've always believed that. It's not so easy to imagine spending an eternity in hell, but at least there's where the good souls rest. I know nice people who are gay and if that's the only reason people are going to hell, so we'll have a party down there. Heheh.

Stupid, silly reason to hate people. My friend hasn't been able to look Melissa as a human being. She always refers to her as 'the crazy one'. She doubts that Melissa and Tammy are really living a happy, healthy life, because they are celebrities and therefore it's just a public appearance. She pities Melissa cause she never has sex with men.

Truth is that I don't know Melissa and I certainly don't know Tammy personally, but I'm not a fool. I've read hundreds of Melissa's interview, and she always answers as honest as she could, about anything at all. And her music, her lyrics... if you love music as much as I do, you can feel which is 'fun' music and which is 'real' music. Melissa is the real deal, never once I doubt her. Even if I'm not gay, I'll still worship her. But again, it's weird cause if I'm not gay then it wouldn't be me so I might be a very different person. :p Complicated, huh?

And in the matter of their relationship, just check out Tammy's blog, just check out Melissa's songs since she met Tammy, just look at them together even in paparazi photos. It's just that... it's FAMILY. It's a real, functioning, healthy family. With problems and all. A marriage in its most sacred form. Nothing can make me more confident of the blessing God gives to these two women than when they were declared 'beloved wives'.

Well, I so want to yell out those words above to my roommate until she can see the truth. We're not any different than you!!! I have a crush on someone too as you change your unfaithful crush from one to another. I felt so much jealousy that I cried myself to sleep one of these nights. I've felt the missing and the loss when she's not there, and I've felt the fear too that she would reject me. It's not so different than what you feel, isn't it? Add it up to the fear of coming out, the need to be truthful, the frustration that people don't want to understand, and the damned illegalation by the government.

I don't want to be overly respected, I don't need to be excessively adored or admired, and then when they know who I really am, BAAM! All of the respects and the scores I won disappear. No. What I want is just to be seen as a person. That I'm not seen less if when they know I'm gay. That my friends will still be my friends when they know I'm gay. That my families will still be that kind and accepting when they know I'm gay. Is that too much to ask?