Wednesday, December 08, 2010

The Long and Foggy Road

It's been a while since I wrote about anything at all - even in my own personal diary. Truth be told, I've had a big blow on my ego a while back, and I desperately wanted to write about that, but no words come out. It's not much a suprise that I couldn't write about that, because until now I haven't even got the answer. So instead of writing about the topic, I'll just write about the situation in general.

What will I be in five more years? Asked me that question seven years ago and I would answer you quickly, "I'd be graduating and looking for a job." But ever since then I had no idea of what I want to be or what is my purpose in life. Mind you, I have been thinking about this seriously since the beginning of high school, and yet I still can't find an answer to it. I'm the kind of person that given a clear vision of a path to a goal, would go towards it and kick out all the obstacles along the way. But right now there is a heavy fog ahead of me and I cannot see far ahead (the scene reminds me of a true life experience... a quite scary one too as I was alone, but okay, on with the story). There are some intersections on the path I took, and because I cannot see far I have no idea which path is the right one. I had taken a chance and tried a path, but it went downhill and seemingly headed nowhere so I turned back and chose another path. I'm walking on that path right now, it's smooth and safe and I learned a lot along the way but I met no one on the road, it's very lonely and empty. I dont' mean this romantically - although I want that too - but I need new friends, new people who could teach me new things to improve my skills and my own self, you know? Old friends are still my friends, of course, but they move on too and it's not often that our paths could go side by side. To think about it, this is the first time in my life that I have absolutely no idea how to meet new people. Even when I was alone in a new city of strangers I could get friends quickly. I have to admit I'm not a people's person, though. Just a small dose of interractions with different people would be perfect. This is actually what I miss most from my previous jobs. Haha.

There is also one huge flaw in the current path I take that could be a deal-breaker: I feel like I contribute nothing to the society. Of course not many jobs have a big score on that, but then again most people can make up for that in their personal life. I want just the opposite - and I've wanted that for a long time. In Elementary School, I remembered I wrote 'social worker' as my dream job (I had no idea what that means back then, but what I felt is the same: wanting to be useful to the society). Of course back then my intention is 100% true. Back then I had no idea that the 'society' I wanted to contribute to would be my biggest enemy and would reject me of all the minorities that I am, my gender, my race, my religion, and even my sexual orientation. Right now part of the reason why 'being useful to the society' is important, is because I want to prove to the society how wrong they are with their prejudices and to give an example to other minorities that being different doesn't matter. To some extent, in my previous workplaces I've accomplished that, and actually in my current job I also got lots of surprised comments too - on a completely different level, though.

People's opinion on my current job sometimes brought me down, too, because in their eyes what I do is nothing. True, it's not a 9 to 5 job, I don't get monthly salary, etc. But don't get me wrong, I'm quite proud of what I do right now. I did everything and every step of the process with almost no help - only an offer of the job and that's it. I had to study about the subject from zero by myself because I knew absolutely nothing about it before and my boss is... well, not a good teacher. The job itself is not really hard, of course, but most people around me underestimate the effort I put into it. Normally I couldn't care less about what people say... it's only different when it's said by the girl I was attracted to. What she said haunts me night and day. If a woman as awesome as she is could think so low about me, what is my chance to win other women's heart? Assuming I meet someone in a near future, that is.

So, there's my reflection of my situation now. I think right now what I need is a torch. It's funny because most people don't think I need a torch... they think I'm lost and that I need a guidance or a pointed arrow to get me back on the track. But nooooo... I'm already on a path and I still know how to go back to the intersections. There are still at least four more paths I hadn't tried back there, but before I go back I need to see first if the road ahead will be wider and better, cause otherwise this journey until now is for nothing, I had to start again like I did before, and trust me, it's not fun. Hm... any comments? Advices? Suggestions? Offerings? :p