Dear Diary

Ok, this is not my diary but what I'm gonna tell right now is about what happened today, so it's kinda like a diary entry. It's kinda boring and I don't know why I'm so in mood to post this, while actually I can write it in my own personal offline blog. Like usual, though, I think I'm gonna ignore reasons and just go with the feelings.

The first thing I'm gonna tell you is about my dream. It's like a fairy tale dream, with the set of Lord of The Ring. Yes, with the fantasy forest and all. With waterfall, I think, cause there's a wide river nearby. I should've written this hours ago when it's still new cause now I've forgotten all the details, just the main storyline. I was some sort of hero in this story (no protest allowed! It's my dream, afterall), who fell in love with a beautiful princess, who is engaged and to be married to an evil man. How classic is that? Of course, she fell in love with me too, and then we both had to fight against that evil man and his soldiers. At the fight she got shot by an arrow and collapsed, and I had to carry her on my shoulder to the forest. The funny thing is, the dream had two endings (I woke up after the first ending, then I slept again and the story went back to this scene. Weird, I know). The first ending was that she died in my arms... it was a little bit more romantic, though, and then I put her on the water in the river. Then I woke up and went back to the scene when I carried her to the forest... she died, too, but this time I felt no lost or panic. I lowered her to the water, below her first dead body (again, weird!) and the two bodies became one and she was alive again, we hugged and kissed and that's when I woke up for real... and just minutes after, I got a phone call from a real girl I like. Anyone can tell me what this dream means? It wasn't like I dreamed about the girl I like. The girl in my dream was pretty, tiny (how else could I have carried her?), and rather dependent. The girls I like in real life are always beautiful, strong, independent, and mostly the ones I couldn't carry. Hehe.

Okay, the next story was about tonight. Well, not necessarily about tonight's tonight, but about one girl in particular. Damn, I don't even know my feelings anymore. This is the first time I don't fall in love at the first sight. Well, I met her on my first day here so I think that counts as 'first', but then I actually felt a little bit annoyed by her. Then as time goes by... perhaps a week or so... I started to see her in a different way, that maybe her annoying way is a part of her kindness, you know. And damn, she's so kind. That hits the weakness in me. I really couldn't resist kindness. I always fall to kindness. It also defines my orientation pretty well, cause there is this one man here who is soooooo kind, and yet I'm not attracted to him at all. Well, of course I like him a lot because he's kind, but not the way I'm attracted to this girl. The turn-off, though, is in the fact that though she's pretty gayish, I think it's possible that she likes my friend more. And plus, as far as she knows, she's straight. That really is annoying. I was once in a position where I got the feeling that the girl I liked was into me, too... but then she ran back to her religion and shutted me out. That hurt, cause it wasn't that she didn't like me, it's because she's scared. I was scarred too, I just didn't run away. Crap. Well, now I still have no idea how I feel about her. I still have one year to go so I'll take it slow.

By the way, tonight I watched a retro-reviewing on Afterellen.com, about If These Walls Could Talk 2. They voiced my thoughts... it is a must-watch movie, for gay or stright alike. Better yet if every straight people is exposed to that movie. Especially the first sequence. By the gods, I think any gay people who watch that feels the same thing: suicidal. Hehe... well, not literally, but technically. It was so painful to watch, especially with the 'it could be you' mantra ringing in your head. No straight people would have to worry about these things... you just have to get married. And oh God... the line of, "You'll never feel this kind of hearbreak (when your husband died) cause you'll never have a husband"... that cuts straight to your heart. But the movie grows into the sexy 70s and comedic 2000. Death turns into birth. Beautiful.

One more thing before I end this bizzare post... I just ran into this quote of Melissa:
"I know whatever darkness that I have, I will have at least as much light."
She never ceases to amaze me... I love her with all my heart and soul... much like maybe some of you love Jesus. Say whatever you want, but it's true that Christians have Jesus, Moslems have Mohammed, so since I'm no part of any religion, why can't I have my Melissa? Oops, this may get a bit heavier. Jesus never sinned, Mohammed is God's hand on earth... but Melissa is just a human being with her flaws. That's exactly why I love her. I know she has her flaws, I know she's in no way totally innocent, but that's what makes her human, and she doesn't shy away from it. "Not so black and white the color of your sin," huh? This quote I really like. I try to focus on my truth, I try to stay positive about everything, but every now and then I lie. Every now and then I envy others. Every now and then I play dirty games. But exactly as she said, whatever darkness I have, I'll make sure I have at least as much light. Without the balance... I don't think anybody can really live as a human being.