Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Words From My Past

Words From My Past

There are many things I've learned through the years. Some of them are still with me, some of them I don't believe anymore. For now, I find myself very selfish. I only believe in MY own God. I only believe in MY own philosophy. I only trust MYself. I only trust MY judgement. But my life isn't all about me. What if my judgement is wrong?
If I do wrong and people are angry to me because of that, I'll feel guilty and ashamed. Of I do right and people accuse me I'll only be angry or so-so, because I know that I'm not wrong. But if people are angry at me because of something I can't change, I'll feel hurt, and sad, and angry. I don't know if my being gay is right or wrong, it's not my place to judge that because the one one who can judge that is God, but it's clear that I can't change it. No matter if I'm born gay or I'm raised differently so I became gay, the only thing that matters is that I can't change it. It's the same feeling when people are angry at me because I'm chinese. I'll feel just the same when they're mad at me for being a woman, for being born in June, for being so young, for being right-handed, or for my being rather tall.

About life, death, and something we can't change:
We're always like that. We see our friends... our family... our beloved, alive and talking, laughing, moving, feeling... and then... something happens and we just can't believe that the dead body in front of us is the same person with she/he was the day before.

I really don't know... maybe we should just go with the flow for everything we don't have control over. We can't enjoy every second we have with someone if everything we think of when we're with them is that they will die someday and we HAVE to make the most of our given time together. Maybe sometimes it's okay to feel that this moment we're in will last forever, to take absolutely everything we have for granted. But only sometimes. We have to go back to reality sooner or later. Yeah, I think in the matter of life and death there's nothing we can do. Regret is very hard to cope with, so try to never take anything for granted, but when you're in one very special moment and you want the moment to last forever, just go with the feeling and hold on until reality comes back to you. Because it's those kind of moments that REALLY will last forever, no matter what happens ahead. You'll have the memory. It's those kind of moments that will help you through the hardest of times. Don't ruin it by thinking that maybe it's the last day you have on earth.
Anyway, life is funny and unpredictable. No matter how wise you are, no matter how careful you take care of your life, sometimes it's just no use. And then, someday when we have gone through all that, we'll laugh at how hard we tried to change something we can't change.

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