Stupid Rantings

If loving you is to suffer
then by your side I will stay
until it reaches your heart someday
You are the light that has guided me down this road, never to lose my way again
Make me your shadow so that anywhere you may go
I'll be there to protect you and I'll be there to hold you
Baby can't you see I may not be the best there is
I can only offer you my heart
and a vow for never be apart
You are the life I've been searching on forever
Somewhere to rest my mind
And a place to call home

The first two lines of this lyric is a plagiat from other song (even though it's in Japanese so technically it's not a plagiat, rite?). Well, either way it's one of my favorite song by me. Heh heh. And I'm just feeling like bragging. Haha. Kidding. Nah, it's because I remember about my 2nd love today because of a coincidence. The girl's initial is DN. Today a guest came to my station and she asked me for some help considering a gift to her client. She was pretty and she looked a bit like DN, so I noticed her right away. Then I asked her for her name, and damn, believe it or not her name was D. Later on, I asked her to whom the gift was given. The answer is to a woman named N. I couldn't help but grinning like an idiot the rest of the day. Well, it's more like a bittersweet smile than a grin, but I felt a little bit giddy from that coincidence. Part of what made me so much in love with DN in the past was the intriguing connection between us. We got sick at the same time (it wasn't flu season), there was a blackout the moment she walked into the room where I was, I talked to her in my mind and she actually did what I said (it was freaky to me, actually), heck, I met her on the first day of the turning point in my life! I'm a very romantic person, and honestly, all those coincidences would be great for a book or a movie. It felt like she was destined to be mine. Alas that's not the case. Life's not that easy, huh?

When I wrote the first verse of this song, she was the one who popped up in my head. I knew if I were a man, I'd have been the perfect man for her. I loved her first. I watched closely as she grew from a worm into a butterfly, but I'm the one who was in love with her when she was still a worm.

I'm still not giving up. I still believe in a happy ever after, I still believe in a love that lasts forever. I still want this: http://ryanverse.blogspot.com/2007/04/what-makes-family-family.html, as much as I wanted it two years ago. The only difference is that I used to say that I Want To Be In Love... now I know that I need a Fearless Love. Hihihi :D

Prophecy

Well, not exactly a prophecy. More like fortune-telling. And I didn't ask, actually. She asked me about my birthdate and the exact time. When I told her, she told me that I'm still single because although lots of people like me, when I response to them, they will step back. The same thing happens with the people I like. When they finally response to me, I will lose interest to them.

I'm never one to really believe in fortune telling or prophecy, but when it holds some truth to my situation or my history, I'll remember it. In this case, I later figured that my birth-time was actually in pm, not am, so the fortune-telling is actually not correct, but strangely, I think this one is truer to my condition. I always believed that at a time, my first love was in love with me more than as a friend, but at that time I thought of her only as my best friend. I was smitten with some other girl. Then I slowly recognized her, beooming closer to her, and then, suddenly she ran away from me. Believe it or not, we turned from best friends to strangers in one-day time, with nothing important happened. We didn't have a fight, we didn't have an argument, she just suddenly pulled herself away from me and cause I was hurt, I gave her a cold shoulder too. Anyway, it did happen often. With my second crush, I did make a move, she wouldn't make a response. Then when she made the move, I was too scared to be hopeful. Also with the girl I met in Holland... she was perfect, but then we fell into that push-pull trap. Until now I never really know what she thinks of me. She was kind, so maybe she said it all out of kindness, but we ever had a kind of 'date'. Well, if you can call walking dogs together in a park as a 'date'. For me, it is. There were only her and me. We talked about everything at all. And she said she had a good time, that she liked it, and she extended the invitation. I have no idea why I never called her to the third 'date'. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was fate... but she remembered those times after almost one year with almost no contact. By then I was angry with her, though (for a different problem).

Well I have no idea if what is said is true or not, but I do realize that somehow, although I want love so much, I fear it. Don't ask me why, it's not like I've been dumped or anything. Maybe it's simply the fear of facing something new. I've never been in an official relationship, and as often as I said to myself that I could always bail out of a relationship that doesn't work, I look at a relationship as critically as I would a marriage. That's stupid, but that's the truth.

Oh well, reciprocated or not, being in love is fun. It inspires me to be a better person, it inspires me in writing songs, and it makes me feel alive. Right now I think I'd better be focused on my work. Actually it would be better to fall in love with someone at work this time around, coz I really hate that job, but there's no one at the moment that intrigues me. And you know what? It feels like Melissa could hear my prayer, she just released her single 'Fearless Love' for her fans club. I haven't heard the song, but really, her lyrics talk to me:

I want to live my life
Pursuing my happiness
I want a fearless love
I won't settle for anything less

A Gay(ish) Thanksgiving

Actually, I've never really known the history of thanksgiving. (I know I can google it, but well, I don't care about its origin much.) But I know about being thankful, and maybe it's what got me through the hard times in my life. I'm thankful for lots of things everyday, but it's nice to have a special day to count my blessings.

The gayish thing is actually only accidentally, because these two days near thankgiving someone happened to mention something about gay people (and therefore reminds me of being gay). One was when a co-worker of mine pointed out that someone is gay. He just said it out of the blue and I really had no idea what brought it up. He reffered to the gay guy as 'sick', but when I told him jokingly (and sarcastically, as a matter of fact) that he shouldn't go near him so that he wouldn't be 'infected' by the 'sickness', my friend didn't look happy at all. I don't know if his stand on gay issues, but I think he's one of those people who thinks that gay people are crazy/sick, but it's okay to be friends with them. Today another co-worker of mine brought up the gay issue again when I mentioned that I was in the Netherlands last year. She said, "Oh, isn't that where gay marriages are legal?" Again, I didn't pursue the issue further so I don't know where she stands on the issue, but she doesn't add any disgusted commentary so I take that as a good sign. I would love to be out at work like some of my co-workers, but the fact that I work with a family member makes it impossible. I have no problem being out among strangers, but having to face my family... well, I haven't had enough motivation to do that. I have a massive numbers of families who loves to stuck their noses in other people's business, and it ain't fun, although sometimes it's useful.

Anyway, it's not a time to complain about things, it's time to be thankful. So here are the things and people I'm thankful for.

1. I'm thankful for my family, both the biological and the non-biological ones.
2. I'm thankful for my health both physically and mentally.
3. I'm thankful for my beautiful hometown which I love more than any other place on earth.
4. I'm thankful for my friends who bring joy into my life.
5. I'm thankful for Xena & Ryan who taught me to accept myself as I am and be proud of who I am.
6. I'm thankful for 22, my crush for four years who made me do things I never dreamed I could, and even though I didn't get her I got to improve myself to be who I am today.
7. I'm thankful for Melissa, who amazes me daily with her music and herself, and to remind me to always be strong, speak true, and spread the peace.
8. I'm thankful for Ellen, who brings laughter to my life when I needed it most, and still continue to make me laugh. I'm also thankful that she brings such a positive visibility to gay women everywhere.
9. I'm thankful for beautiful couples that I adore, for they give me hope that soulmates really do exist and that I could build a beautiful family with the woman of my dream.
10. I'm thankful for the ability to be thankful and content. I've seen successful people who were ambisious and always wanting more - yes, they are rich and famous and everything, but they're never satisfied and therefore they're never really happy.

Above all I think I have to give thanks for love, for being the force to defeat fear, for being the source of hope and peace, for being the roots of all that is good. Happy thanksgiving y'all!

Men in My Life

Haha. Surprised by the title, huh?

It's at times like this that I really considering bisexuality. I have to admit, I've never really known my feelings towards men. All I know is that in the first 23 years of my life I've never really fallen in love with a guy. I know exactly that I have deep attraction and I connect excellently to women, but although I have some attraction to men, I never really connect with them emotionally. Sexually, I think I'm okay with both men and women, but I won't be able to be intimate with someone I don't love, so unless there's a man who can make me fall in love with him, it's not even a question. So, I'm gonna have to leave it to you whether to label me as a lesbian or a bisexual.

There are only two men whom I had feelings for early in my life, well, actually at that time they're just boys (and pretty boys at that). One in elementary school and one in junior high. And by pure coincidence I met both of them tonight. Nothing much, really. No sparks, no flirting, no anything. But it made me think back of the time when I thought I was in love with them. The one in elementary school wasn't much of a memory for me, and he was really more like a butch girl back then. But the one from junior high was probably the first person ever to be attracted to me. And we did have some history, however awkward it was. It wasn't until I fell hopelessly in love with a girl in senior high school that I understand the difference of loving someone and simply having a crush or admiring someone.

If I'm asked whether I'm bisexual or gay, I would probably say I'm gay. After all, there were only those two guys I remember in my life, while there would be about ten girls I've ever had a crush on, and I was really in love with three of them. But personally, I choose to not label myself. In the end, I would only end up with one person, rite? If that person is a woman, then it doesn't matter if I say I'm bi or gay, people would still call me a lesbian. If that person is a man then I'll be spared from the burden of coming out, though until now I have no idea if any man at all can make me fall in love with him, much less marrying him. Hh, I really have no idea why people always say that being gay is a choice. If it's a choice, of course I will happily choose to be straight. It's a hell lot easier!

My Choice

I came out again, this time in a mass coming out. I don't like it. It wasn't in the coming out itself. I'm already comfortable enough in who I am that telling people some surprising fact about me isn't that big a deal. It's the process. Git used to be my best friend and this is actually not how I envisioned coming out to her. But this is not all about me - we wanted to do it as a group - so I played along and did it anyway. The thing is that it got so awkward because of bad timing (but if we waited any longer than we wouldn't be able to come out) and that Cae wasn't fully aware that we were going to come out that night. And boy, aren't they so clueless. Even after Zhou said, "I'm bi" they still hadn't had a clue. I think we should've just blurted out, "Hey, you know what? We're homosexuals." There. What I hate most about the process was the questioning. It allllllllllllways came after the coming out process. I have had 'the interview' more times than I did the coming out because I have that interview everytime I tell my friends that Melissa is gay. I can always tell the level of someone's open-mindedness just by the way they do 'the questioning'.

Anwyay, I read Zhou's blog today and it made me think of 'coming out' itself. I'm a firm believer in 'live and let live' concept, and coming out is a part of that for me. I would like to refer to a comment on that post about not forcing someone into coming out and the 'don't ask don't tell' concept. I hate the 'don't ask don't tell' concept, because, well, where's the freedom of speech in that? The 'don't ask' may prevent many of us from having to lie, but the 'don't tell' will cause me some suffocation. Like my stand in most political/controversial matters (i.e. abortion, polygamy, interracial/intercultural/interreligion marriage, sex before marriage, UU APP, etc), I'm highly pro choice. For me personally abortion is not a choice, I'd always suggest divorce before polygamy, and I won't wear bikini to a mall in a million years, but I'd like for everyone to have their choice, because not everyone think and feel like the way I do, right? So it's no surprise that I despise 'don't ask don't tell' in US military. But I highly agree in not forcing someone to come out. The only reason I was looking at Cae the way I did when we came out was because I thought he understood we were going to to mass coming out but he chickened out. Later I realized that wasn't the case. Anyway, until someone actually come out by themselves, I will assume nothing of them. Well, maybe only in my mind, but that's it. Even when I knew they're gay but they stated that they're straight in public, well it's their choice and it's not my place to ruin their stand. It's only if they're gay but posing as straight and then they do something to harm the gay community that I would do something with my knowledge.

For me coming out is one way to know my true friend. It's one of the blessings I've received for being gay. I don't intend to test their loyalty to me, but I can tell how much someone like or love me just by their actions after I come out to them. Granted, my experince is limited because I usually hit people with bullets before I actually dropped the bomb (aka, I usually drop hints before I actually come out), but eh, their reactions still vary. Some people treat me the same after I come out but they flinch everytime I talk about girls, some never bought it up again and told me that they will pray that I'll be healed, some expressed their disgust but continued to grill me about it in fascination, some responded to my coming out by coming out, and some couldn't believe I'm gay. D'oh. I hate the last response the most. When I decided to come out to someone I prepared myself for the worse, prepared myself anyhow they would react and even their leaving me. And then when I finally did, BAM, they wouldn't believe me. Gah. I've experienced that even as a Catholic. Some of my friends couldn't remember that I'm a Catholic because they said I looked more like a Buddhist. Gah again. I know I don't have tattoos or piercings, I can't hold my alcohol, I'm kinda shy and reserved in front of people I don't know, I have a curfew by 6 p.m, etc. In short, I don't look like a lesbian nor that I have the attitude of one. Hm... I wonder if I can actually be accepted in the lesbian community. It sucks a lot because I feel like an outsider in my circle of straight friends when they start talking about boys, yet when I finally find a community of 'outsiders', I also feel like an outsider. It's much like my 'Chinese-Indonesian' identity, in which Indonesian people say I'm Chinese and Chinese people say I'm Indonesian.

Then again there are some people who make me chant, "Come out, come out, come out wherever you are." I'm guilty for that, though well, I don't threat and I can't actually say it to their faces. It's the celebrities and the famous. Well tell me how many of you feel grateful for Martina, kd, Melissa, Indigo Girls, and Ellen during their time and maybe Jodie Foster, Lindsay, Rachel Maddow, Tegan and Sara nowadays? I don't know much about the gay boys but maybe for you it's Elton John, Neil Pattrick Harris, Clay Aiken, Adam Lambert and Dumby - oops - Dumbledore? Or maybe it's shows like Xena, QAF, and The L Word, South of Nowhere, which have massive gay followers? Either way, I'm thankful to US entertainment for giving me a sense of visibility, and much before that a feeling that I'm not alone. Looking at Ellen and Melissa give me the pride of being who I am, because they don't look like a lesbian either, do they? And Melissa gives me an insight of what I'd like my future family to be like. But it's still their choice too because they are the ones who will put their career on danger. I will admire any Indonesian celebrity who come out publicly, because it won't be only their career, it will be their lives too that they put on risk. Even Ellen, who is generally so lovable, received a death threat for that. And the gay community is so diverse you'll never satisfy the whole community. For some Ellen was their hero, but some other thought she wasn't gay enough and the other thought she was too gay. Now try to define that! Ha.

Anyway, I think coming out is important, for visibility as well as feeling accepted as a whole. Even now, when I talk to some of my friends I keep wondering if they would still like me if they know I'm gay. But I've made my decision years ago that I wouldn't deny who I am when asked bluntly but I also wouldn't shout it on top of the mountain. It's not because I'm ashamed of who I am, but because there is no straight people who has ever come out, is there? For me being gay is merely a part of me which is personal, and there is no use to flaunt it out without purpose. I think when I have a girlfriend I will be put out of the closet automatically anyway. Haha. Oh, and a bit of advice for baby dykes and other gay newbies out there: coming out is addictive, be sure you only take a healthy dossage of it. Coming out to the wrong people or at the wrong time can really drag your life down. But taken properly, it can help you be comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. Good luck and good for you, you're gay. ;D

God Help The Outcast

I'll let the lyrics speak my mind. This is the OST of The Hunchback of Notredame, in case you don't know, and it is one of my favorite songs for alltime. Just change a few words and it's practically a gay hymne, but I love it even as it is.

I don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there
I don't know if you would listen to a gypsy's prayer
I know I'm just an outcast, I shouldn't speak to you
But still I look at your face and wonder, were you once an outcast too

God help the outcast, hungry from birth
Show them the mercy they don't find on earth
God help my people, we look to you still
God help the outcast, or nobody will

(I ask for gold, I ask for fame
I ask for glory to shine on my name
I ask for love I can possess
I ask for God and His angels to bless me)

I ask for nothing, I can get by
But I know so many less lucky than I
God help the outcast, the poor and downthrod
I thought we all were the children of God

Needlessly said, after this song I had quite a crush on Esmeralda for some time. :p

The Arrogant Kinda Love

I'm a firm believer that love is never wrong. But there are actually lots of negative kinds of love, the kinds that can actually harm somebody else. Possesive love being the most common one, I think. In Indonesia, though, I think the arrogant kind of love is even more common.

I hate when people say to me, "I did it for your own good." or, "I'm only trying to do the best for you." For me that's so arrogant. Who can decide what's best for me but me? Many people around me do that occasionally, especially my parents and their siblings, although there is this one person who does that to me too many times that she became a kind of terrorist in my life. I know my parents and my families love me so much and they care about my well-being, and that's why they try to lead me to the 'right' way. I know sometimes love can be so blind that they cannot see how unhappy I become once I follow their paths. I would try to tell them, explain to them about my unhappiness, and most of the times my parents and families would listen. Except for that one particular person.

My cases aren't so extreme. I think most people would understand my confusion because most parents do that to their children. Mostly it's about having to get good grades at school, or choosing subject of study, or even choosing friends. I'm not a parent yet, but I can imagine how tiring it is to take care of children's well-being, to shape their characters to the best possible, to teach them manners and morals, etc. I can understand how busy they are with trying to give their children the best that they forget to ask what their children actually need or want. I can understand that no matter how mature I feel about myself, to my parents I'll always be a little girl. The only way I know how to solve that problem is by communicating how I feel to my parents. Some people are willing to listen. But some others are just plain deaf to anybody else's reasoning.

Some extreme cases can be found in the gay community. There are parents who send their children directly to a doctor after finding out that they're gay, or worse yet, to radical churches or 'pesantren' who claim that they can 'heal' homosexuality. Those parents don't realize, they just fed their children to the devil himself. The worst case I know happens in South Africa, where parents and families agree or even help with 'corrective rape' to heal their daughters or sisters from lesbianism. I have no idea how they felt as their parents and families' "We do this because we love you" speeches.

I, too, don't know what to do with this love-hate-guilt feeling. How am I suppossed to react to that kind of love, actually? I know she loves me to death and I know how much I hurt her by practically cutting all contacts with her. There is so much guilt I felt later, but I really don't know what to do. I despise people who think that their way is the best way. I despise it more when those people try to force their way to me. But what am I suppossed to do when they say that they do it in the name of love?

Poop Study

I've just received a certificate from a poop expert that I am well versed in eating (and pooping) habits of zebra, giraffe, and ostrich. Oh the wonder of internet. Lol. (http://whopooped.org)

A New Lesson

You know I've always believed in Melissa's saying that the universe listens, right? I've even experienced that on my own, several times indeed. But I've tried several times trying to really focus my mind on something, really trying to believe that something good will happen, and it doesn't happen. Like my wish of seeing Melissa in a concert this year. Melissa (and millions of other gay people all around the world) also didn't get our wish of the failing of Prop. 8. Prop. 8 passed and then it was declared constitutional. Great.

You know what? I think the universe takes time in fullfilling wishes. I think it listens very carefully to each wishes. I think it watches your every step, whether you're really trying to make that wish come true or not. It watches over your efforts, your trials and errors. Sometimes it may seem like a coincidence, but when you trace it back to the past, it was your choices that shapes your condition today, wasn't it? 'The universe listens' doesn't mean that if you say, "I'm gonna win a lottery tomorrow" it would happen just like that. If you really win I'll say it's more of some damn good luck than the work of the universe. Lol.

I'm not giving up my dreams. There's not a second of doubt in my mind that I'm going to Melissa's concert someday, maybe even when gay marriage is legal in USA and maybe I'm able to bring my soulmate there with me, too. :D

Similar Features (Plus Some Rantings)

Ssst... Ryan has a crush on someone new. Heheh. Okay, to say it's a crush is still too soon. Besides, only in one month I have to leave this country, I can't bear having my first relationship as a long-distanced one. And she's only 16, which means that... dang it, she's not an adult yet! Plus, in that age, you may not discover your sexuality just yet, right? Still experimenting and all.

Well, anyway, I'm so embarassed about this that I have to write this in my own language. I don't want her to be able to read this, and I don't want another Melissa fans to be able to read this. Gah. Okay, then, my first post in Indonesian. Here goes.

Hari-hari menjelang kepulangan ini, aku makin suntuk. Di pekerjaan, dimanfaatin habis-habisan sama bos, karena mereka tahu kerjaku cepat, disuruhlah bantu sana-sini. Benernya nggak mau, tapi karena udah capek dan males berdebat, akhirnya kukerjain juga. Dalam ngerjain skripsi, dimanfaatin habis-habisan sama partner. Sapa pernah ngerjain skripsi? Pasti tahu kan beratnya? Bayangin tiap hari kerja dari jam 2 sore, kadang2 dari jam 12, baru pulang jam 11 ato 12 malam, trus dikejar-kejar deadline skripsi. Dan sekarang aku bisa menyatakan satu hal yang udah pasti: skripsi "kami" adalah hasil kerjaku sendiri. Sumbangan dia cuma copy-paste literatur doang. Kuesioner, analisis dan sebagainya, semua hasil kerjaku. Sakit hati nggak sih? Tapi ya udah, daripada nggak lulus. Sudah gitu, orang ini adalah orang paling licik yang pernah kutemui. Dia orang yang cuma mendengarkan 'kebenaran' dirinya sendiri. Contoh: kami punya uang overtime dan itu tiap hari kami catat. Baru hari ini dia bilang sama aku, selama ini, kalau misalnya dia merasa kerja berat tapi selesai cepat (artinya uang OTnya sedikit), dia palsu jam selesai kerjanya. Astaga, nggak heran selama ini OT dia besar terus. Itulah kebenaran dirinya sendiri. Nyatanya kalau misalnya hari itu dia nggak ngapa-ngapain tapi selesai malam, mana mau dia nulis dia selesai pagi? Dalam kerja pun dia seenaknya begitu, dan karena kedudukan kami sama, otomatis salahnya dia jadi bebanku di hari berikutnya. Pokoknya singkat cerita, hari-hari ini kerasa nggak enak melulu, banyak orang stress di kerjaan dan mereka jadi gampang marah juga.

Nah, di tengah-tengah kekacauan itu (:D) muncullah seorang pekerja paruh waktu baru. Pertama kali liat dia, aku kaget setengah mati, soalnya begitu dia tersenyum, MIRIP BANGET SAMA MELISSA!!! Ooops. Dang. Yah sejak saat itu aku dapet tempat cuci mata. Hehe... Baru kedapatan kerja bareng dia sabtu lalu, dan untuk ukuran anak baru kerjanya lumayan. Udah gitu dia lucu banget, ada yang nggak tahu dia nggak tanya, tapi dibikin dengan kreativitasnya sendiri. Pas aku nemu hasil kerjanya, aku ngakak habis. Sebel sih harus bongkar lagi, tapi lucu, soalnya kreatif. Hari senin eh, ketemu dia lagi. Aku dibikin terkagum-kagum sama keberaniannya. Baru sekali diajarin, tahu-tahu dia sudah menawarkan diri untuk nyoba, dan kebetulan ketemu kasus yang sulit, tapi dia tetep keliatan profesional dan pe-de banget di depan tamu. Busyet. Nggak kelihatan banget baru 16 tahun! Itulah awalnya aku bener-bener tertarik sama dia lebih dari sekadar kemiripannya dengan Melissa.

Yah, ini crush yang nggak ada arahnya, sih. Seperti yang kubilang, dia baru 16 tahun, dan sebulan lagi aku harus pulang. Dia juga tipe orang yg populer (di fotonya malah ada yg keliatannya dia jadi homecoming queen ato sejenisnya). Tapi kehadirannya bikin aku semangat lagi, di hari-hari suntuk gini. Hihihi.

Ada satu kekhawatiran baru muncul, nih. Kemarin aku baru nemu ada group band Jerman yang meng-cover lagu-lagunya Melissa. Penyanyinya cewek mirip banget sama Melissa, bawa gitar Ovation 12-string-nya Melissa, dan nyanyi lagu-lagunya Melissa! Waduh... aku langsung senyum-senyum sendiri lihat websitenya. Ini nih gawatnya! Kenapa semua cewek yang bikin aku tertarik akhir-akhir ini semua ada miripnya sama Melissa? Dan lebih gawat lagi, begitu aku bandingin sama Melissa yang asli langsung buyar deh ketertarikanku (kecuali cewek 16 tahun itu). Gawat, gawat, kok kayaknya aku secara otomatis sekarang membandingkan semua cewek dengan Melissa. Nggak lucu kalau ntar aku jadian sama copy-annya Melissa!

Anyway, selama aku tadi kerja sambil ngeliatin dia, terbayang salah satu lagunya Melissa, 'Similar Features'. Asem, aku malah merasa digoda sama Melissa. Dengerin nih liriknya:

Go on and close your eyes, go on imagine me there
She's got similar features with longer hair
If that's what it takes to get you through
Go on and close your eyes, it shouldn't bother you

Hiks... aku langsung merasa tersindir. :(

What's In A Name?

It's been so long since I actually examine my name. I've held some self-made interpretation about my name since I was little, and I actually do have a lot of names. I'm a Chinese-Indonesian so I have Chinese name and Indonesian name. My father actually mis-named me in Chinese so I have two Chinese name. My Indonesian name is hard to be pronounced by people from other countries (I was traumatized by the way it was pronounced in an international airport when I was little and ever since then I'd been looking for an 'international name' for me to use) - and now I have an 'international name'. When I was a kid I played with my sister a lot about a made-up world in which I was the king, and I had a name as the king (and I also gave a name to my sister in that world (she was the prince) which she still uses until now). I had some nick-names in elementary school but it never became really famous. But in junior high school I did get a nick name that got so famous that most of my high school friend actually forgot my name and remembered that nickname. Oh yeah, I also have a name in the group of friends I had when I was in elementary school - I took some famous people names and twisted them a bit. I actually have no name for being in the gay community - maybe only Ryan, but that's actually my real name, kind of.

From all of those names, anyway, I have three favorite names. The first one is one of my Chinese names, the second one is my Indonesian name, and the third one is my international name. I have no real story for my international name, just that it was taken from a woman I considered as the mentor in my life, the woman who actually helped me realized that I'm gay and it's okay. Sometimes I actually also put the first and second name of my international name together and create an international nickname. Confused yet? Hehe.

So, I like my Chinese name, the actually 'wrong' name because I could interpret it to fit me best. The first word, my family name, means clarity of mind and it can be interpreted as smart. I know many people are smarter than me, but I think I have that clarity of mind, in the meaning that when there is a complicated case, I can understand many points of view that I can see the right from wrong or in between. Sometimes I like it because I can understand the case completely and be the moderator or negotiator. The only reason I don't like it is just that to other people it would seem that I couldn't take a stand or make a decision.

The second word of my Chinese name actually means rainbow. Another sign, huh? The LGBT flag. I like it, though. In many myths, rainbow means the gateway between heaven and earth. In the bible, rainbow means the reconciliation between God and humanity. I like the rainbow because there are many colors there, like there are many personalities in me. Like you can't say that the rainbow color is red or blue or purple, you also can't say I'm simply lazy or dilligent or even in between. Even one of my friends ever said something to me akin to "You're not black, you're not white, and you're not even grey." Lately I've been thinking that way too about my sexuality. Heh.

The last word of my Chinese name consists of three suns. I mean, the character is made of three characters of sun. An elderly person ever said to me that means that I'm so bright (in the means of aura). I don't feel that I have a particularly bright aura, though. I'm not what you think as a happy-go-lucky person. I actually get mad as easily as Donald Duck (who shares my birthday). I'm also very good at being invisible. I can be there in one gathering or party and having people not noticing that I was there at all. I interpret that character more in the meaning, crystal. It's about honesty to me. I learn about truth and honesty from Melissa, but even before that I've never been good at lying. The guilt always chokes me afterwards. I'm not so stupidly honest, but sometimes I'm painfully honest. The more it scares me to be honest, the more I push myself to let it out. The very least I can do is being truthful to myself. I can keep that as a secret from other people, but I will never deny a truth to myself. I actually googled the meaning of a crystal, and is said: wisdom, cleansing, healing, pureness of heart, intention, positive thoughts, harmony and love. Well, of course I'm not all that good, but it's what I aim to have, so it's not bad at all, isn't it?

I like my Indonesian name because it transcends ethnicity and it transcends religion. That's all I can say, but it warms my heart that I have such special parents who don't fear naming me with a name of other ethnicity and religion than their own, even though the story of my naming always makes people laugh.

Anyway, I don't care the saying that your name affects who you are. I'd rather believe that it's the way you interpret your name that will affect who you are. I believe that you can decide who you are going to be, and maybe this is one of the ways. The philosophy and beliefs you take from your name will affect the way you view yourself and later it will affect the way you carry yourself in front of other people, and then it just becomes who you are. Besides, the hopes and well-wishes from your parents (or the people who gave you that name) when they decided to give you that name are always worth cherishing, right?

Congratulation to Myself

The Afterellen Hot 100 is finally out!!!! Yay! While reading the list, I felt a mixture of giddiness and anxiety, and right now I feel a mixture of regret, victoriousness, respect, happiness, and a little bit anger. I'll explain the anger bit first. Afterellen changed their policy in voting for the main Hot 100 and the additional lists. I felt a little bit ripped off because I voted the same women for the lists. Gah, if only I knew that, I would have been able to vote for more women!

Okay, this is how I fare:
Hot 100 list: 9 out of 10 of the women I voted for made the list.
#1: Portia DeRossi (quite a surprise, really)
#3: Lena Headey (you get what you asked for, she asked for this, she got it! Yay!)
#6: Rachel Maddow (I'm surprised also that she's not higher)
#7: Tina Fey (I wanna know her reaction on this. Heheh)
#10: Gro Hammerseng (I'm surprised too on this one, but happily, coz she's only #82 last year, and it's not like she is in big news this year)
#15: Ellen DeGeneres (that makes her #2 hottest women over 40! Yay!!!)
#24: Lisa Ray (Yay! I figured she'd make the list somewhere but I didn't think it'd be this high)
#27: Lucy Lawless (Figured. As long as there are lesbian Xenites, she'll always make the list)
#39: Jodie Foster (Aw! It almost phisically hurts to drop like that.)

In Hottest Out Women, I didn't win the list other than Ellen, Rachel, and Gro who already made the list in Hot 100. But in Hottest Over 40, I got a surprise! Melissa made it!!! Finally! I literally pulled a fist and whispered "YES!" when I read it (I could only whisper because my roommate is sleeping).

Anyway, just go to www.afterellen.com to see the whole list. If you like smart, funny, strong, beautiful women, you'll enjoy the list. I don't normally like hot-list anywhere, but this one is different.

The women I would've voted for but didn't, also made it on their own:
Jennifer Beals, #2 in Hottest, #1 in Hottest women of color, #1 in Hottest over 40
Anne Hathaway
Michelle Obama
Katja Nyberg (Nothing makes me happier like both parts of one of my favorite couples to win a place in hottest contest - I know what that sounds like, but it's true)
Queen Latifah
Meryl Streep
Sandra Bullock
Jane Lynch

Choice

I had a day off today, and just because I've never been there before, I went to Utrecht. The most famous building in that city, I think, is the church. It is very beautiful, indeed. It looks a bit like The Notre Dame Cathedral. This is what it looks like:



(photo credit's not by me)

I talked a bit with one of the church's staff inside. He explained that the building actually consisted of a tower (in the front), and behind the tower was the symetrical building of the church. But then a tornado swept of half of the middle part of the church, so that now it becomes a tower, a field, and the existing half of the church that has been renovated. In between the tower and the church there's this statue.



I have yet to know what it means. Today there are lots of flowers there, I guess it's because May 5th was Holland's independence day. But my eyes, actually, happened to read this on the floor in front of the statue:



I have just google-translated the horizontal words. The translation is like this: "... and other 17 men were convicted in Utrecht and strangled. Their deeds left." The '...' is a name of a person and above it there's a word sodomy and on the upper top there's a date. I don't have any idea what happened and this time the internet doesn't help much. But I do understand the vertical words, and it touches me deeply. It says, "Vandaag, homoseksualiteit mannen and vrouwen kiezen in vrijheid." In English it is, "Today, the homosexual men and women choose in freedom." I guess the complete memorial would mean that some years ago 18 guys were convicted because they were gay, but today, gay men and women can choose freely.

Choose freely, huh? I don't know about that. We have choices, but limited and sone involves lying or cheating or doing something illegally. Even in Netherlands - the country with most freedom in the world, where drugs and prostitutions are legal, where gays can marry and heterosexual couples can live together without getting married but still have almost all the rights of married couples - they still make a chanting of 'All Germany are homos' because they hate German people. Anyway, back to the topic. Like I said, our choices may not be many, but we have choices. We are gay, that's not a choice. But whether we want to admit it to ourselves or to deny it till our last breath, that's a choice. Whether we want to come out or not, that's a choice. Whether we want to get married to someone we don't love or not, that's a choice. Whether we will cheat on that someone or not, that's a choice.

Me? From a long time ago I've decided that I'd rather not marry all my life than having to marry someone I don't love. From the day I started to know Xena I chose to follow love. From the day I came out to myself I decided that I wouldn't let my 'gayness' be whole of me. From the time I started to know Melissa I've chose to follow her path of truthfulness. It's really like a phrase in Melissa's song, "I made every choice along the way, each day I spent in hell I chose to stay." And it's quite a coincidence that today I read her wife's blog talking about the same thing (actually, though, I wrote this a few weeks ago and saved it, and I remembered this post while reading Tammy's blog). I choose to be true to myself, that's all I'm saying. That truth may change from day to day, but I choose truth over consistency. My being gay is not a choice, I believe I was born that way, but it was my choice to accept it humbly, it was my choice to come out to my friends, it was my choice to have pride and dignity in being who I am. And I wouldn't change a thing.

Map of The Stars

I've just heard about this amazing woman from Sid, and I checked her out on youtube. This reminds me once again to Melissa's 'Map of The Star' and my roommate's constant ignorant comments about women who are over 40, women who are fat, and women who are not pretty in traditional way. I understand most people are like her, and I have to blame them. I mean, I was that way too, maybe that's the way society tried to push on us, but it is our own choice to follow that way or not. I refuse to judge people before giving them a chance to prove themselves first. I don't naturally act that way. I have to kick myself for judging. Well, it's kinda like this: when you see an unusual person, let's say a tiny girl who is sweet-looking, and she is being placed as a commander of a security team. Most people will smirk and maybe even go to the length to protesting the absurd placement. I will at first think, "What?! How can a tiny girl like that being in command of a security team?" But then I'll kick myself and think, "Well okay, let's see first what she can do." When I decide that I will see what I can do, it means that during that 'trial' time, I will follow her command wholeheartedly and unjudgingly, whereas during that time maybe lots of the members of that security team will ignore her commands just to show how pissed they are with the placement. You see, I'm not an angel who can be purely unjudging. I judge, too. But I trained myself to stop judging before I give them a chance.

That's the lesson from the video, and I think it's a very important lesson to learn, but it is number two in the reasons as to why I cry everytime I watch the video (already four times now). The main reason is that I'm grateful that she finally makes her dream come true. She said she's never been given the chance to prove herself, and I'm so, so happy for her that she hits it huge with this one chance she's given. Her voice is amazing too, by the way, just the way I like it. Not too high, strong, and loud. Okay, here's the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY. Enjoy.

The discovery of her actually started a discussion between me and Sid, and that discussion reminded me of this song. About how fame affects people, about how society's standard of beauty ruins lives. This song tells a story in a circle, where the end is the beginning. I looooooove it.

All the people in your hometown
When you were just a kid
Said that you were pretty, like in the magazine
And so you left your hometown
To try out for the part
There everybody's pretty little angels with a pretty little heart

You studied hard, the map of the stars
All because you wanted, yeah, you really wanted
Every night you wanted to be
One of the little angels that flies between the stars
One of the little angels in the pretty little cars

So you eat a little less
And you smoke a little more
Waiting in the lines for them to open up the door
For all the little angels

So you got yourself an agent
You made a little deal
They got you on the TV, everyone agreed you had the charm and the appeal
So you bought yourself a house in the Hollywood hills
You bought yourself a tan
Fixed your nose and hair, learned how not to care
Got a pretty little man

You landed hard on the map of the stars
Ah, where everybody wants you,
Oh, they really want you, everynight they want you to be
One of the little angels that flies between the stars
One of the little angels in the pretty little cars

So you eat a little less, and you drink a little more
Waiting in your room for them to open up a door
For all the little angels

Alright, now you drink a little more
Your family's talking to the press
And the movie didn't score
So you eat a little less, just a little little less

All the people on the street now, they're getting kinda mean
They read about your breakup in the magazines
And somewhere in your hometown
A girl tries out her best
Maybe she'll go far, she wants to be a star
So she eats a little less

:D

Oops, I Did It Again

Yup, I forgot several names to vote for in the Hot 100 and the other two hots - like I did last year. Well, I know it's virtually impossible to put in all the names I think deserved to be voted for, plus there are some names I'm 100% sure will be in the list anyway, but I feel bad about it. So as my penitence I'll just make a list of the women I forgot to vote for.

Ps. If you have to know, well, it's just my excuse to oggle more beautiful women. :D I'm quite proud of myself for this.

Ps #2: Considering I'm making this 3.15 in the morning, I'll just add whoever in my thougt first and add some more tomorrow or the day after. =D

1. Jennifer Beals



Before you take out my gay ID card for forgetting her, let me tell you that I did NOT forget her. Of course not, she's practically my idea of a perfect woman. I just thought that she would be up there in the list anyway so I voted for some other less popular names instead. But I think I need to droll over her for a little bit here.

I'm the kind of girl who won't care if you're gay or not, if you don't have qualities, I won't like you. Jennifer Beals is not gay but she constantly speaks up for us, and she has shown no less than dedication for the six seasons of The L Word. She is perfectly gorgeous, she is so damned patient and kind to people (I have proofs for that, believe me), she is down to earth and gracious, and she is very professional at what she does (I always find that very, very sexy). Together with Lauren Holloman, her potrayal of Bette Potter showed me a glimpse of how a lesbian marriage could be even before I know Melissa (that was the beginning of season 1. In my Ryanverse, Bette never cheats on Tina). Quite a coincidence, she shares birthday with the second woman I've ever loved. Hehe... maybe that's just the type I'm attracted to? (Damn, I always told myself to aim shorter!!!)

2. Jane Lynch



Damn I really forgot about her - two years in a row!! But that actually suits her job. I mean, she's the master of being 'invicible'. She's been in more movies and tv series than any other actresses I can remember. I've remembered her face even before I know her name and that she's gay, though. Maybe that's because she always steals the scene no matter how small a role she plays? She's really funny, too, and that's always sexy. In real life too. I've watched several interviews of her and she's smartly funny. Besides, who else in Hollywood would eat with such an adorable face?



To be continued...

Serving In Silence

"This has been a crossroads for me, whether to back down or to stand up for what I truly believe is my right as a human being. That my career, my abilities, my contributions, have nothing to do with my sexual orientation. Throughout the world, the only way change can be made is by someone stepping forth and exposing themselves so that people become aware that there are differences and that that's okay. So I choose to be here, to sit before you and my family, and be vulnerable, in the hopes that I can be a little bit of influence in making a change, in allowing us to serve as we have done in the past and will continue to do in the future."

I've always had some general respect towards people who serve in the military. It's more than just the uniform, it's the knowledge that they are the people who give up their freedom to protect their country and their people. Of course that's only speaking in general. I don't know anything about the military and I won't pretend I do.

I do believe in the integrity and good intention of Colonel Margarethe Cammermeyer, though, when she admitted of being a lesbian in a routine security clearance interview. She had been serving for 26 years before that interview. She was a great soldier and had contributed a lot for her oountry. But in 1989 she was discharged from the military for being gay. The quote above was her testimony at her hearing. She was offered to resign quietly, but she refused and instead, she sued the army. Granted, I only watched the movie, "Serving in Silence" (starring Glenn Close and Judy Davis), but these words inspired me once again as 'Milk' did: "Throughout the world, the only way change can be made is by someone stepping forth and exposing themselves so that people become aware that there are differences and that that's okay." Ain't that true. I admire her honesty and I admire her courage to be the one to step forth and expose herself.

Colonel Margarethe Cammermeyer is reinstated in the army in 1994 after a long court battle and she served a total of 31.5 years before her retirement in 1997. She retired with full military previleges.

"People ask, who are we? We are their daughters, their sisters, their sons, their nurses, their mechanics, their athletes, their police. We're your doctors, your fathers, your politicians, your soldiers, your mothers, your friends. We live with you, care for you, help you, protect you, teach you, love you, and need you. All we ask is that you let us."

THE List

Okay, now it's time again to vote on Afterellen Hot 100. I've never been this excited voting on beautiful women, just because this time I know most of my favorites will win. Last year I voted for 10 women, and 8 of them made the top 20 in that list. That will never happen with the regular 'Hot Women' list in other places. Well, even last year I knew some of my picks wouldn't make the list, like Melissa and Emma Thompson (they're just not in the top of your mind when you're thinking about hotness, anyway. But I love them). But if a 'dorky hot' like Tina Fey can be the hottest woman on earth in Afterellen version (she's on my list too, by the way), then I'll be happy to participate this year too. In fact, I cannot wait till the announcement. And this year they have some side lists, too: 10 Hottest Women of Color, 10 Hottest Out Women, and 10 Hottest Women Over 40. I love these lists soooo much!!!!

Well, I didn't vote for 10 Hottest Women of Color just because I'm not sure what 'women of color' means. Is it only for black women or any other races, and is a mix like Jennifer Beals counts. Well I like Queen Latifah and Wanda Skykes, and in Asia movies I have Michelle Yeoh, etc, but I just don't feel like voting for this list this year. I'll just see at the result later, maybe they'll give me ideas for next year.

So, there are two women for whom I voted for all three categories. There should be three, but for some reason I forget to enter Jodie Foster into my nomination of Hottest Out Women (no pun intended).

1. Melissa Etheridge



D'oh. What do you think? She's absolutely the hottest woman I've ever seen. I just don't care if she makes the list or not (she didn't make the list last year), this is my truth. I voted for her in those three categories, cause she's hot, she's over 40, and hell yeah, she's OUT!

2. Ellen DeGeneres



Again, d'oh. She's hot, simply because funny is hot. And she's so hot for women over 50 (hell yeah, my friends won't believe me when I said she is indeed, OVER 50), and she's practically the most famous lesbian ever. I have no doubt that she'll make the hot list this year too, and very possibly for women over 40, and maybe also the out women too. This woman can do absolutely everything. Besides, who else can dance like this when they're 51?!



Besides these two amazing women, there are several women whom I voted for in two categories:

1. Jodie Foster



Uhm. I believe that the Hot 100 list won't be complete without Jodie. She's the ultimate example of lesbian hotness. Look, check. Strength, check. Brain, check. Attitude, damn, she's got plenty of it. Heh heh. I voted for her in the hot 100 and in the women over 40 category. Just because I forgot about her when I filled in the out women list. Oops.

2. Rachel Maddow



If you ask me who I think will win the hot 100 this year, I think it will be her. Well, it's just what I think, let's see the result later. But heck, it's either love her or hate her with Maddow. She makes nerdy become trendy, and I love how she has so much fun and pours her heart out on every issue she covers. For that only, she gets my vote in hot 100 and hottest out women. Oh, and by the way, I like the more feminime look she has on TV, but dang, I absolutely love those glasses.

3. Gro Hammerseng



I don't know how or why, but she stole my heart somewhere during this year. I don't even remember how it started. What I know is that suddenly I can't take my eyes off of her. Aargh. So I put her in my list of hot 100 and hottest out women. Besides, who can not melt while being looked at with such love and adoration?



Ookay. Now for the rest of my Hot 100 nominations are:
1. Lucy Lawless



Okay, I still think her Xena look is the hottest, but dang, Lucy has her own attitude that makes her also hot on her own.

2. Lena Headey



Terminator? What terminator? Isn't she the hot florist down the street?

3. Tina Fey



Funny is sexy. Dorky is sexy. Funny dork? Even sexier.

4. Portia DeRossi



Okay, I'm guilty. Before this year, I only think of her as a hot barbie who happens to be Ellen's wife, although my logic said that if Ellen loves her, there has to be something more in her than just her look. But there's almost nothing I could use to judge her with. Until this t-shirt. Dang, she's hot. Lol, seriously, though, I watched her on Ellen and I watched clips of 'Better Off Ted' and I started to envy Ellen - just a bit. Heh heh.

5. Lisa Ray



I don't know why... I saw her in 'I Can't Think Straight', and damn, she looked like the mix between Angelina Jolie and my second crush... who am I to resist the temptation? :D

Dang. I've just figured making this list on 5 am isn't a good idea. Now it's already 6 am. Okay, on to my out women list.

Cathy DeBuono



Don't kill me, Sid, but I think she looks like a gay version of Git, maybe not so much in this picture, but... I swear there's something about her that is so much like Git. Fortunatelly, the hotness I find in her has nothing to do with her likeness with Git. Haha.

Finally! The hottest women over 40 list:

1. Emma Thompson



She is one of the most lady-like persona I've ever seen in Hollywood. She's charming, funny, an undeniably talented actress, and her honest attitude only adds more to her hotness. Besides, who else could make Prof. Trelawney become so memorable?

2. Glenn Close



I have to admit, I've only watched one of her movies... well, three, if you count 101 and 102 Dalmatians, but I absolutely hated her character and I almost don't remember her performance because I was too little to understand acting. Anyway, I loooove her in 'Serving in Silence'. She brought such dignity, honor, and purity to the character, and she was one of the firsts in my mind when I came to this list.

Okay, so let's see how many I got this year. Haha. Right now I've gotta sleep. I only have 5 more hours before I've gotta wake up! Gezzz.

I Love Adam Lambert

Not as much as I love Melissa, period. But from the first time I saw him, I was in love with his voice and his performance. No, not in American Idol this year. In Ten Commandments: The Musical. Actually all of the performers in that movie stole my heart. They all have beautiful voices, and because they are actors and actresses, they match every little body movement with every little change of note. It was brilliant. This guy has been trained in that world, and although he has to adjust into a different world of music, it wouldn't be so hard for him. I've seen several videos of him in youtube, and damn, he is brilliant. The way he expresses the lyrics and the way he controls the voice that comes out of his body, the way he rules the stage and interracts with the audience. I felt like I was watching his concert, not a competition (Paula Abdul commented exactly like this too!). He was already a professional, his level is so much higher than most of the contestants. That is undeniable.

I first learned his name from Ellen. She liked him a lot and talked about it constantly on her show. Out of curiosity, I checked him out on youtube, and he seemed familiar. Dang! There was a video suggestion of 'Is Anybody Listening (Adam Lambert)' on the right side of my screen. Holy shit. He was that teenager from Ten Commandments!

Anyway, looking at him on American Idol makes me wonder how it'd be if Melissa was only in her 20s or early 30s these days. She is way under-credited. She has such a magnificent performer, and yet she is never really 'famous'. A week of adoration and fame here and there, but never really 'in'. I wonder why that was. Anybody who has every seen her live show would leave with at least a complete understanding why their friend adores Melissa so much. I'm proud to say, though, that even though there is only a 'small' number of Melissa fans, a huge percentage of them are devoted to the core, and some have been a fan since her debut album. Melissa is right, she has the coolest group of fans in the world. Her fans don't just follow her and everything she says like puppies. They can think for themselves, and they often offer some respectful critics for Melissa. I actually agree with 98% of everything she does, and the other 2% is her personal matters, so I never critisize her this far. There is one girl I know who doesn't like Melissa just because she's gay and not young and pretty, but to hell with people like her. She didn't like Beyonce before but now she likes her because Beyonce is prettier. D'oh. Who needs a fan like that? Don't let me even start on the standard of beauty. It is such a fake, stupid thing and it's even more ridiculous when said by women. Beauty is not only on the outside. Melissa is not as 'sexy' as Britney Spears anymore, but she's still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. My suggestion is to look at Afterellen.com's Hot 100 if you're looking for beautiful women, because it's the only list I know that judges women based on more than their sex appeal. In that list, 'hot' means beautiful, strong, smart, wise, and funny.

Gah, I've wandered too far from the main topic again. I should write for one of Ellen's stand up comedy. She has the same style, circling around from the main topic and to a topic that totally unrelated with the first one. In the end, though, she'll come back to the first topic before making the main conclusion. It's brilliant. Now I don't have time to continue writing until I come back to the Lambert discussion, so I'd better end it now. Hehe. Goodnight!

Another Melissa Adoration 3

Okay, so two posts aren't enough. Just one more for today, please. :D

When I think of how you know me, no doubts no thinking twice
When your smile can be so soothing, a familiar paradise
When there's no one else that makes me whole
I am never needing more
I get this feeling
That I have loved you before

Were we lovers in an army, marching off for Rome
Side by side in the battle, did we bravely leave our home
Did I hold you in my arms, as you were taking your last breath
Did I shout to all the gods, I would love you beyond death
Or more,
I swear I've loved you before

Did we hide in the dark ages, from a vengeful God above
our names are too unfamiliar to ever speak of love
Did I cling to every moment with you, every parting glance
An accidental touch, did we ever take the chance for more
I know I've loved you before

Have I wandered through the desert
Have I looked to the north star
Have I rode the days and nights on rails to get back where you are
And everytime I found you, it's your eyes, I know for sure

When I think of how you know me, no doubts no thinking twice
When your smile can be so soothing, a familiar paradise
When there's no one else that makes me whole, I am never wanting more
I get this feeling, I know I've loved you before

This is not the Melissa who wrote 'Like The Way I Do', 'Bring Me Some Water', 'Enough of Me', or 'Come To My Window'. This is almost like a song written by someone else completely different. She was like a wanderer in the game of love. She moved from woman to woman, from heartbreaks to heartbreaks. The closest to a content love song she's ever written before Tammy is 'Sleep', and even that is more like being tired of wandering and seeing a comfortable shelter, which is not perfect, but good enough to rest in. But the shelter is not strong enough, it needed much work even just to hold itself up. When the storm stroke down, it crumbled. This song is like being written finally from a real 'home', with a strong foundation, with a warm atmosphere, with a sense of safety and contentness that it will last forever. Even the melody reflects it. In 'Sleep' it sounds so tired. This song sounds so relaxed it's almost lazy. That's how you're supposed to feel when you're home, right?

Okay, back to the lyrics. I'm one of the firm believer that Melissa watched Xena. Hehe. When I found out that Lucy is a fan of Melissa, I went giddy, but when I first listened to the words in this song especially the second verse, I went ecstatic. I know she writes from her own experience, but who's to say that Xena's not one of them? It's a TV show afterall. And it's not like she's writing about Xena and Gabrielle. She wrote about her own love story but with a Xena-ish reference. I believed that the lyric is 'Did I shout to all the gods' from the very start, while some other fans believed it was 'Did I shout to all the guards'. Anyway, this song also makes a beautiful tribute to Xena and Gabrielle's love, and I have to admit I can't listen to this song without Xena and Gabrielle on my mind. I do hope that we will all have this kind of love, someday, somewhere, somehow.

Another Melissa Adoration 2

I don't like reading looooooooong post. Even my own post. So I just make it to two post. Besides it's about a totally different song, totally different meaning.

Kingdom of Heaven

A suffering soul on the way to the kingdom of heaven
Held up a sign that says, "God hates America"
A child has been lost, a mother is shocked and is grieving
And turning away, turning away

He said there is a love that is so hideous and destructive
We must drive it from earth to save all of our children
He must know it well, in the night it's the hell that he speaks of
It keeps him awake, keeps him awake

My God is love, my God is peace
My God loves you, my God loves me

A suffering soul on the way to the kingdom of heaven
Prayed in the dark, "Death to the infidel"
He strapped all his desperate pain and his faith to his body
And blew them away, blew them away

A suffering soul on the way to the kingdom of heaven
Shouts on the news, "They are the godless ones"
The anger inside and the fear that it hides never leave her
When the cameras are gone, when the cameras move on

Oh people c'mon, tell me where is your kingdom of heaven
Where is you faith? Where do you put your fear?
Do you have a price for truth and the price for believing?
And heaven is here, heaven is here

My God is love, my God is peace
My God is you, and my God is me

Though I could never sing the last line wholeheartedly, the line of "My God is love, my God is peace. My God loves you, my God loves me" summons up my faith. It's what God is to me and nothing can change my view in this. If heaven is filled with those killing-in-the-name-of-God people, I'd rather not be there. Many people condemn Melissa for being gay and curse her to root in hell. Well, if she's going to hell for being gay, so will I. And how fun that place will be, with good music from Melissa, good humor and dance with Ellen, sweet lullaby from kd lang, a little workout with Martina Navratilova. With everybody who roots for peace and love. While in heaven, people will fight to decide which holy book is the holliest, which right is the rightest, to whom God belongs to, etc. That's what heaven and hell like in my mind when I hear 'those' people talk. I happen to think God is smarter than that, thank you very much. I don't worry one bit about the safety of Melissa's soul, and I believe I'll be saved too. What I worry about is for those people who sold their souls to some book they believed is holly, those people who sold their soul to a heartless god. I only hope that God will protect us from His followers.

"I like your Jesus, but I don't like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Jesus."

Another Melissa Adoration

There is not a day passing by without her name on my mind, her music in my ears, the lyrics in my heart. The music doesn't have to be played in my MP3 player whatsoever. It automatically plays in my mind everytime something happens to push that 'play' button. For these days, every morning (afternoon, actually) when I wake up and go to work I automatically sing,

Wake up!
Damn, I've gotta do it again
There's faces and places, there's strangers and friends

Ahaha. Love that song, although it never made into one of her CDs. But it's a good song for boosting your self-confidence.

I've gotta go, I've gotta be
Something better than me
A dream with no guarantee
But baby says I'm good enough
Some parts are worn out, some edges are rougher
Baby says I'm like a fine wine
Getting sweeter with age
I'm getting better all the time

Heheh. Well. I'm here today to discuss her heavenly lyrics - again. I've bored way too many people talking endlessly about Melissa, but it's their own fault. Once they know she's 48 (almost) and gay, they automatically back off. Well, their loss. They can't stop me from worshiping her.

My favorite of her lyrics (and music video - it's quite a coincidence/not because it's the only video she directed herself) until now is 'Angels Would Fall', which I've quoted so many times here. It's so divine.

The rope that's wrapped around me is cutting through my skin
And the doubts that has surrounded me are finding their way in
I keep it close to me like a holy man's prayer
In my desperate hour, it's better, better that way

So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be such a very good friend
Have mercy on my soul, I will never let you know
Where my mind has been

Angels never came down, there's no one here they wanna hang around
But if they knew, if they knew you at all
Then one by one, the angels, angels would fall

I've crept into your temple, I have slept upon your pew
I have dreamed of the divinity inside and out of you
I want it more than truth, I could taste it on my breathe
I would give my life just for a little, little death

So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be just a very good friend
I will not look upon your face, I will not touch upon your grace
Your ecclesiastic skin - (chorus)

I'll come by and see you again
I'll be just a very good friend
If I whisper they will know, I'll just turn around and go
You will never know my sin

I found these comments on youtube:

"Knowing that Mellissa had an affair and fell in love with a female while married to a man. This song says to me, that even tho her secret seems forbidden in the eyes of her husband and perhaps of god. Mellissa, just doesn't care! She really fell in love and just wants her love to be accepted by society and allowed to florish. I hope all things, worked out for mellissa in the end xx" - saurabhbijelwan

"Yeah, I like it too! Anyways, the meaning of the song to me is a girl that likes a guy that doesn't want to confess her love, I never really thought of a lesbian at first like some people thought." - sweetluvretro16

"This song tells the story of a closeted lesbian who is secretly in love with a woman who is, I think, very religious. She knows, or believes, this woman would despise her if she revealed her true feelings, but she couldn't bear not to be in this person's life. Love gives her a reason for being just as religion sustains the one she loves. But she can't be open in her love, so she has to settle for being a good friend to this person she values far more than any other mere mortal." - TruthUnleashed

"I always thought the song was about being in love with a straight girl. Cuz you could never be more than very good friends. And it could apply to any unrequited love situation (gay or straight)" - harme2

"I'm pretty sure that the song is about being in love with a priest. B/c she says i wont touch your acclesiastic skin. and acclesiastic means priestly so i think she is sayin that angels wouldn't come down b/c they dont like anyone kinda meaning that everyone in the church and all is hypicritical. Where as this one priest fella is so amazing that angels would fall if only they knew him." - TjTerror2

It can be interpreted in those ways, indeed. :D The real story behind that song is that Melissa's relationship at that time was strained, and she had this crush on a married friend, so that's an impossible crush. I smiled at some comments (it was Julie who was married to a man, and this song wasn't written around that time) and even loved some other interpretation (I love the last one! It makes sense through and through, except that Melissa would never fall for a priest, priests are all male). But that's what is amazing about great lyrics. You can interpret them in many ways. For me personally, that lyrics describe beautifully how I think of Melissa herself. If I ever meet her, I'll be just a very good friend to her. Oh, and just to add the Melissa adoration, I've never ever heard the word 'SIN' said so sexily and so heavenly. Hot damn. (I'm not the only one thingking this. You can check on her youtube video comments and count how many women would go gay for her. Lol.) Aaah, the beauty of being able to appreciate heavenly music!!

Gone Too Soon

Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

I think you've heard about this already, but I've gotta write something on my own. I have a difficulty in expressing my condolence so I put off writing this until now.

I don't know Mrs. Natasha Richardson well, I'm not even a fan, and there are many new things about her I've just known when the news about her falling on a ski lesson spread on the net. But one thing I know for sure: she is a wonderful woman and a brilliant actress. The proof is simple. I've only seen her in Nell but I remember her performance and her name that when I watched 'The Parents Trap', I instantly recognized her. Another thing I remembered from Nell is how she and Liam Neeson's character had such a beautiful chemistry. When I found out that he is in fact her husband in real life, I felt so sad that such a beautiful couple had to be separated in such sudden way, and of course I feel for their children too.

Another proof that she had lived a good life is the many condolences written for her and her family. Even from an unexpected suspects. I mean, heck, even the first time I heard about her fall is from Afterellen.com, and in the years I follow the news in that site, I've never seen her name at all. Ellen also tweeted about her, and as long as I know she's never been on her show and never appeared in a movie together or such. Even Tammy blogged about her. Well, it doesn't really matter if people care about her or not, I do care. I only saw two of her works, but that's enough to give me a deep impression about her. And what I see is a gracious, brilliant actress and woman.

See, I cannot express myself well. Hh. The last time I felt this way was when I heard the death of Steven Gilborn. He is the man behind Harold Morgan, the father of Ellen Morgan (Ellen DeGeneres' character in her "Ellen" sitcom). I love his character in the show and I think of him as an ideal father, maybe besides my own father. Anyway, I don't know much of his work besides that, but I feel like I know him and I felt really really sorry for his death.

No matter how long or short one's life is, it will not be long enough for the people who love them. In my family, we don't say 'I love you', but we always make sure we show each other one way or the other. I think I just have to show my family more that I love them every single day. Maybe also to Melissa, thanks for inspiring me each and everyday with your words, your music, and your actions. Ellen, thanks for being brave and make the world a little bit better for us, the younger generation, and thanks for making me laugh everyday. And, thanks to my friends who share with me their stories, their secrets, their worries, their thriumph, and to make me a part in their lives.

Once again my condolence to Natasha Richardson and her family. You'll be missed.

This Is Outrageous!!!

I've just stumbled upon a video in youtube about corrective rape in South Africa. For a country who has already legalized same sex marriage, I actually expect far more tolerance there. But noooooo, it breaks my heart.

Corrective rape is a rape done to lesbians to make them realize WHAT they are. As if that's not enough, most of the victims don't want to report to police because they knew their reports won't be taken seriously. It is estimated that 10 new corrective rapes happen each week. Some are followed by murder or suicide. Worse than any other rapes, corrective rape is done mostly as gang rape, and what is most heartbreaking: can be done by family members and friends, because they think it's the right thing to do! Even in one case, the mother of the girl, instead of defending the daughter, blaming her sexuality for it.

I can hardly believe my own eyes and ears, witnessing someone innocently stated, "I approve of corrective rape because being a lesbian is not good and it is the right way to make them realize what they are." It's ridiculous to the bone! Not to mention cruel. While we're talking about cruelty, though, try to read this and try not to be physically mad : http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peter-daou/on-gang-raping-and-killin_b_174695.html.

It's when I read stories like this, that I start to ask about the core of humanity. I start questioning the goodness in people. It's so hard to believe when everyday, everywhere in the world, someone is laughing while taking the life of somebody else.

That is what you get when you're thinking in the boxes of 'normal' and 'abnormal'. It is what you get when you're thinking in the boxes of religion. You lost your sense of humanity, you lost your direct contact with God because you're too busy reading His 'book'. How can you stone a little girl to death because she was raped, on the ground of adultery? I know, I know, your holy book said it's the right thing to do. But where is your heart? In the other case, the raper killed the girl because he was afraid to be found out, that's his crime. But this, this is done by 50 men in front of a thousand people. Does none of them have children? Does none of them have heart? 1000 people, for God's sake!

The worst thing when you stumble accross news like this is that you tend to research more and more, and from the links you stumble on so much more bad news. Hh. Now I'm so sick I've gotta go. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow.

Wives on Ellen

Ugh. I know that Ellen alone has a cuteness level that could make me melt into a jelly - almost literally. But how about THIS:





Eat that, 'Yes on 8' suckers! Love is never wrong. I wish I could describe the cuteness of those two together, but I guess you could see it for yourself, the videos are all over youtube. Of course I'll be helpful. First part of the interview can be found here, the 'newlywed game' is here, and the bathroom concert series is here. But this one is my favorite: Ellen and Portia playing aw snap in their interview practice.

Only one thing bothers me about one moment on those videos. No, it wasn't that eharmony is a homophobic company and they were playing newlyweds game. I couldn't care less about that because they apparently let Ellen and Portia play. In my point of view, it wouldn't be much of a champaign for them as it is a champaign for gay marriage. Anyway, what distubs me the most is the moment in the newlyweds game after they both reveals the cards after "What is the best gift you spouse has ever given to you" question. Both answered "Her heart/love" and it was the cutest moment ever, and it wasn't only my eyes, many people also think the same with me: it was like they were both trying so hard NOT to kiss. It IS an appropriate time to kiss! But okay, it is a daytime TV and all, bla bla bla. But only seconds later, the couple who played against them kissed after hearing what they would receive. There were several things wrong with that situation. First, Ellen and Portia actually won, but the other couple got the bigger present. (Okay, at least for this one I can imagine the reason why.) Two, in any couple game, aren't the winners are suppossed to kiss? Three, I can't help but noticing how at lost Ellen and Portia looked when the other couple hugged and kissed.

For now, I'm gonna overlook that small unhappiness I felt, because in whole, I think Ellen has just broken another ground and gave straight people a view of real-life gay couple, and maybe just a hint of how discrimination feel like.

Goodbye Isn't Always Enough

Waking up to your words
Feeling something thrown from my mind
I go back to the passing years
It sure seems like a dream

I check my phone for the second time
Wishing it could lie to me
Linger on your name
But my thumb is numb
I wanna hear your voice again

Goodbye isn't always enough
What I know on my mind couldn't chase away this feeling
What good it'll do for acting tough
The memory's still intact inside my damaged heart

I mask a smile for my daily life
Try to ignore the empty space
I call for home, but you're just not there
And you won't ever return to my side

Goodbye isn't always enough
What I know on my mind couldn't chase away this feeling
The thought of you control my mind once again
I wonder if it's better never knowing you at all

Ahahaha, The Future

It's from Melissa's song, "2001". I read an article about how Melissa came up with the song. It was when she thought about the technology and stuffs, and went all, "Ahahaha, the future." (That line is also a part of the lyric). It was the first thing I thought of when I saw this:



Interesting, huh? I saw that monopoly in a store brochure. Monopoly is my favorite board game (because you get to count fake money), and now, you can even pay by card! Damn, time does change, doesn't it?

The Garu Lesson

I've just got this Garu character from Mc Donalds. Well, actually it's from weeks ago, but whatever. :p I don't know much about the character, but I've seen many stickers with Pucca characters, and from what I saw, I think the story goes kinda like this: Garu loves Pucca unconditionally, and Pucca maybe love him too, but she always kinda take him for granted and torture him. Anyway, I like this character so much because I'm kinda like him. Haha. I mean, in loving someone so much that even her bad traits cannot change it.

This (I don't know how to call it so I'll just say his name) Garu of mine really represents how I view the Garu character. You can open his stomach and inside, there's a Pucca picture embossed. For me it kinds of represents how Pucca is always on Garu's heart. One other thing is that this egg-like body of him is built in a such way that you can't knock him down. No matter how randomly you drop him or knock him down, he'll just roll on the surface and stand up again. It's very much like the characer, isn't it? No matter how much Pucca tortures him, he's always strong. Lol, of course it helps that he's just a cartoon character. If it's a real person at least he'd have been comatosed by Pucca's tortures.

In real life, I don't want a relationship like Garu and Pucca. I know it's kinda cute and everything (as long as it's not as sadistic), but I'm just not as patient as Garu and if I'm to be in a relationship, I want her to feel as strongly about me as I feel about her. But if that relationship is gonna last, I will need to learn to love as unconditionally as Garu does. Nobody is perfect, so there will always a time to say, "I love you despite of your...."

I'll save that lesson for when I'm in a relationship, but for now, I take the other lesson he offers. It's to stand up again no matter how hard you've been knocked down. Garu is not a weak person, contrary to what most people think. He's a real gentleman and a real strong person. I always believe in what Xena said, "It takes a greater strength to show compassion." Most people think it's people who go out on a protest, who takes challenges, etc, as strong people. Not so much for me. Strnegth lies in being patient and doesn't make a big deal of small stuffs. Strength is knowing how to say 'No' to stupid challenges. Strength is being honest to yourself and others. Strength is admitting your faults and appologizing. Strength is standing up for what you believe no matter what. And strength is standing up again no matter how you've fallen down. Garu doesn't punch Pucca back because he loves her (and maybe because she's a she), but he's always willing (and able) to protect her from harm.

Anyway, I was lucky to get this Garu. It was actually a mission to go to Mc Donalds, that is located quite far from my place. I just wanted to eat the food so much that I decided to go there by bus (IN WINTER, so it's quite a sacrifice, with all the waiting and the walking in the cold weather). I knew that they gave out Pucca thingy on Happy Meal, so I bought one and yay! I got Garu. Quite a coincidence, but well, everything happened for a reason and heh heh, so this is why I had my craving for Mc Donalds back then.

One Tooth Less

It's unavoidable. When I go back to Indonesia, I'll have one tooth less. Well, actually, I NOW have one tooth less. It's not that big a deal, but I feel the loss anyway. Everytime my tongue runs through the hole that once was my tooth, I feel the loss. Everytime there's some food falls into that hole, I feel the loss. Everytime I brush my teeth and the brush couldn't find that one tooth, I feel the loss. Everytime I look in the mirror, I see a big black (and sometimes bloody) hole in the place of my tooth. What lesson did I take from this experience? To appreciate the small things in life. I also learned to let go. Well, I learned to let go too much, I think I have to start learning how to hold on to something precious. But that's been the way I am since... I forget when. I have trained myself so much to accept the inevitable and to let go of everything (the logic is, we came to this world with nothing and with nothing shall we leave this world, right?). But it isn't as simple as that, really. We humans have greed. We have envy and we have ambision. We have wants and we have the eros kind of love. I'm the kind of gal who cherish everything I possess, from the simplest thing like 'my' plate, 'my' chair, 'my' side, until the bigger matters like 'my' computer. If you have ever watched 'Friends', you know that Joey doesn't share food, right? If you're on a date with him you could order anything you want, as many as you want, but NEVER take anything from Joey's plate. I'm ALMOST like that. Not as bad as Joey, though. I'll share as long as it's not my favorite food. Or as long as it's not in a small portion. Or as long as I like you. Hehe.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. So I cherish every small things I possess (including my food). Therefore it's always hard for me to let go of those things, like when somebody suddenly sit on 'my' side of the sofa, for example. Only small things like that can make me felt so annoyed. That's why I had to train myself to let go. Problem is, I did overcome that possessive habit over small things (I still get annoyed, but I won't kill you for that), but I also become so easy in letting go the bigger matters. Like love. Like money. Like my pride. Like friends. Like... my tooth (okay, again, it's not that big a deal, but that tooth had been with me for 22 years, for goodness sake!).

Okay, here's the story. Friday night, I couldn't sleep for hours because I felt a little pain on my tooth. The pain wasn't too much but the level of the pain wasn't consistent so it was annoying. I was asleep for half an hour and then suddenly I was awaken by a sting of pain. It was like that the whole night. But after I woke up on Saturday it wasn't really there anymore. I only felt it when I ate. And then Saturday night came and by the God. I've never experienced such a tootache my whole life! I absolutely couldn't sleep the whole night. Luckily I happened to find the trick to lessen the pain: I drank cold water. Still that means waking up every hour to drink that water. On Sunday I worked, and I almost couldn't smile at all. Even to the guest. I count myself a very professional person, and no matter what I would always smile to the guests. But how could I smile with a mouth full of pain? I drank ice-cold water like every ten minutes (literally) and went to the bathroom every half an hour or so. It felt terrible. And I had to work for 11 hours that day, so just imagine how torturing it was!

I couldn't sleep at all that night, the pain was so excruciating I had to drink more often than when I was at work. No other option: I had to go to the dentist. I called the dentist office at 9 AM, and had to have a stupid conversation with the receptionist who couldn't speak English well and I knew she was losing her patience. Well, whatever, I got myself an appointment at 10.30. I called my boss and he dropped me to the dentist office. It was quite scary. The waiting, I mean. There I was, in a dentist waiting room (it's even scarier than the actual dentist office, for me) in some foreign country which I couldn't speak much of the language, with a terrible pain in my tooth. Oh, and the receptionist said on the phone before that I had to bring cash about 300 euro, so while I was waiting I was worried sick about the money too. It was my one month salary!

Anyway, finally my waiting was over (it was about 30 minutes but it felt like 3 hours, really). The dentist was very nice, fortunately, and though he couldn't speak much English, he tried so hard to explain the problem to me. He took an x-ray of my tooth (very convinient, as a matter of fact. In Indonesia I had to take the photo in a laboratory first and then went back to the dentist sometime later) to prove his guess. More waiting... and then he came in with the result, and gave me three choice. One, he could give me medicine and we'll see what'd happen. Two, he would open up the tooth, treat the infection (FYI, the infection happens in the deepest part of the tooth), and seal it. Three, just take the tooth off, or as he said it literally, "No tooth, no pain." (If it wasn't for the situation, I would have laughed out loud at that. It's a very funny logic - and very ironic, said by a dentist). Considering that: a) The medicine might work but if it doesn't I'd have to come back for more treatment. b) The medicine might work but when it's worn off maybe the problem will come back even more terrible. c) If I choose the treatment it will cost A LOT and who knows how many times I have to go to the dentist just to follow up the treatment. So... yes, I had to say goodbye to my tooth.

I was lucky it didn't hurt too much, but the experience was quite scary. First there were three injections of painkillers given inside of my mouth, then after it worked, the dentist pulled out tongs and... well, just imagine a nail being pulled out of a board. Twist it right and left, right and left, and pull it really hard. Ouch. Even with all the painkillers I could still feel a sting of that final pull. Geez. I really feel lucky I wasn't born fifty years ago.

Anyway, the dentist asked if I wanted to keep the tooth or not. Well I couldn't imagine as to where I would keep the tooth, so no, thank you. Then with a cotton between my teeth to stop the blood, I walked home - in the winter wind. Dammit. I went to sleep immediately with the cotton still in place, after writing a note to my roommate to tell my boss I couldn't work today. One and a half hour later, I was awaken because there were some friends visiting my roommate, and therefore it was noisy like hell. And the final annoyance of that day was that I suddenly had a sorethroat, which as I thought about it, probably was caused by all that ice-cold water I drank those two days I was in pain.

So, now I'm still adjusting myself to my one-tooth-less state, and trying to get out of this sore throat, which luckily didn't get much worse. Hehe. Oh, another thing I learned: even during my painful tootache, the only thing that could make me smile again is ANY mention of Melissa. Damn, damn, damn. How in love am I with that woman? LOL!