Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Wrong Kind of Love

Coming from an unexpected source, I got a topic for thought today. My friend asked me, why is it that God makes us human fall in love with wrong people. If we only fall in love with our soulmates, there won't be any heartbroken, one-sided love, divorce, cheating, etc.

Well, it would be beautiful if we can only fall in love with our soulmate, the one who will certainly return our love, the one who is certainly made only for us. But if it's that easy... then when do we learn?

Love is the ultimate force in this world, I've always believe. Anything at all, good or bad, if we do it in the name of love, for something or someone we love, it will feel right - and more often than not, even if it's a very difficult task, we'll make sure it's done even if we have to sacrifice our own lives for it. All other kinds of love aside, we're talking about eros love this time. I'll talk from my personal experience first. I've fallen in love with the wrong person... people, in fact, cause it happened twice. The first one taught me how to care about someone. I was really selfish cause I grew up in a sheltered and comfortable environment. Falling in love had taught me how to care about someone else without wanting anything in return - well, maybe just to see her smile. It made me realize many things about myself, too. I realized I'm gay and from there I had to go through the length of coming out to myself, from denial, research, understanding but ashamed, until I finally can admit it confidently and proudly. It gave me bittersweet memories, some of them would bring smile even to these days. Because I wanted to impress my target of affection, I learned piano more seriously and because of that I play better afterwards. Because I had so many feelings when I was in love, I expressed them by writing songs. Because I fell in love with the wrong person, I've been hurt, and that taught me on how to forgive, and how to let go. And then when I decided to end it all, I decided to go to an university where I knew absolutely nobody.

The second love was actually a little bit sweeter, cause I was always only watching her. There were no hurting each other and drama because I didn't really talk to her, I didn't really know her. I don't even understand how I could fall in love with her. But it lasted for 3 years so it's not just a simple crush. The second love, though only one-sided, brought me strength and courage. It helped me through the separation from home, it gave me courage to enter the club I really wanted though other said 'don't', it made me graduated from both clubs with quite a good impression. It made me take my first try in organization and I was trapped there ever since. It made me me rappling from eleventh floor and climbed a mountain. It made me walk 10 hours at night (though it was a team thing so we switched every once in a while). It made me from a nobody to someone quite well-known in the campus, but it wasn't my position that mattered. It's the new confidence in me that I could lead other people, I could influence them, I could make a difference to other people's life, and that I am worthy for more than just good grades. It had also become an inspiration for so many of my songs.

So you see, I think it's beautiful if you only fall in love with only one person in your lifetime. But most of us don't. I think it's like a growing up process for us. Being in love or in a relationship that doesn't work give us a lesson in life and shape us to who we are meant to be. At least that's what I think and what I learned from my own experience. If all people can only fall in love with their soulmates, how many masterpieces of books/arts/songs that wouldn't be here today? Haha. I'm a believer that everything has its own reason to happen and it has its own time, and we may not understand it when it happens, but later we may look back on our lives and finally understand why something happened the way it was. Life is simple and clear for me once again. Haha.