Tuesday, April 24, 2007

What Makes A Family, A Family?

Yep. What is it? Marriage? Blood? Love? Which one is the most important of all? I need not answer for you, you've got to answer that for yourself. I only want to show one of my newest wallpaper here. Actually it's not my best, but I love Melissa's family. So warm, full of love, and boring. Lol. Definitely my dream family! I wish you all the best, Hollywood Farm Girl and your honey.
Hm... I made two Melissa wallpapers along with this one, actually, but I forgot to bring them with me, I guess I'll upload those later. I'm really obsessed with Melissa and Ellen these days. They give me a lot of inspirations, though Melissa's music actually ruin me! :p Only half kidding. She inspired me so much that I don't want my songs to be just like before. I still like my songs, mind you. But I want to reach a higher level, a level somewhere near Melissa's. Sure we have different music types, but I don't want my songs to be just happy-go-lucky songs anymore, I don't want them to be so light anymore. I'm quite fine with my lyrics, I think they suit me best. But I want to write a song just like Melissa, I want to be able to write all of the emotions there, in the melody, in the tune, and not only in the lyrics.
Both Melissa and Ellen inspired me to be strong, and I intend to be just that. Actually I want to follow their footsteps, to be able to raise that high as a public figure, to be able to show to all the world to see that gay people are just that: people. They can even be talented, funny, entertaining, smart, strong, admirable, loveable, too! Too bad that I don't think entertainment industry is for me, and even if I ever step on that industry, I don't think I'm the one who'll show up on stage. I'm best for the behind-the-scene worker. And I've never been interested to be a public figure, I'm too private a person to be that. But at least, I'll find a way, to make a change in my own community. To make a little change in their viewing us. Just in my campus, with my friends, with my teachers and all. I'm not a lovable person, but they can't say they hate me. Well, to summon it up, I've just made a commitment that I'll be a good gay figure in my community, whatever happens. Even if tomorrow I wake up and suddenly fall in love with a guy (slim chance, but miracle happens), I'll still stand up for love and do what I can to stop any discrimination. I'm so frustrated by all that discrimination, you know. All my life I've known discrimination. This group discriminate that group while that group discriminate this group. I've always taken the neutral side, but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I won't just shut up and watch anymore. Whenever I have the chance, I'll try my best to speak up.
It's really hard to see people struggle that hard for what they believe in, and you just can't do anything to help them while you're sharing their belief, you know. I'm frustrated here and I want to come out, but my brain tells me this is not the time. This is not America. This is a far more religious country (but morally broken), not to mention far more conventional. I will, I most definitely will. I need to live my life in my own truth. Well, perhaps that's an idea of mine, but afterall, isn't this my universe? Lol. Okay. Nao's come up and I'll chat with her.
See ye later, in good times or whatever.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Damn, This Is Rather Shocking

Hey, I'm back again. Damn, it's been so long thanks to blogger's damned long loading and its new google account thing.

UTS night and I'm in front of my computer, my gaze can't be torn away from neither Ellen nor Melissa Etheridge. They're both not my mentors. They're my heroes. Yep.

The two of them have more things in common, more than being gay. I love them both for the same qualities they have:1. They're both entertaining, not only to gays, but also to public in general. People just can't help but love them.2. They've both been down, down, down!!! Ellen, facing the world with her coming out. She was left without a job and she got Hetche'd. Melissa, just when she found the love of her life, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her life was at stake. And the wonderful thing is that both of them got up. They faced their fear, and: Ellen: she bounced back and skyrocketed to the top, including this year: hosting the Oscar. She has owned Emmy's for I forget how many years now, kicking Oprah's butt fair and square. And she deserves it. Melissa: she fought and she healed, married Tammy and had a twin with her while caring for her other two children from her previous wife. The public couldn't help but being happy that she gets well, and actually her being sick made fans' connection more strong. This year she got an Oscar for her 'I Need To Wake Up', and she got a new loyal fan. Me. Lol. 3. Both of them are so 'normal'. 'Normal' here means that they just seem like ordinary women. Well, of course Ellen always dresses like a man but well... it's just her. It's her trade mark. I've seen her in dresses and she looks beautiful just like always, but she looks most Ellen when she dresses in her own way. And Melissa doesn't look really masculine. She only look...cool, and wild... just like a rocker should be. She really rocks, you know. She made me fall in love not only with her character but also with her music. Love her so much. 4. They believe in marriage so much. I can't imagine Melissa without Tammy, anyone who sees them would see that they are lovers, it's sooooooooooooo obvious. They just belong together. Even from their appearance. I would really really really hate it so much if ever they get divorced. If it's in my power I would forbide divorce between Melissa and Tammy. Really. How many connected backyard does Melissa need??? Lol. I know Ellen believes in marriage. The scripts she wrote proved that for me. She really deserves to be happy, you know. She has suffered so much and she always makes people laugh, she's so beautiful and lovable... such a shame if she can't find her soulmate. Actually, I think Ellen would make a wonderful lover, you know. Just take a look at some of the videos they have at youtube, for Ellen season 4 and 5. I love it especially when she brings her lover flowers, when she dances with her, and when she dropped that petals... So cute! 5. They both have certain qualities I can't help but adore!!!! Ellen: really funny voice, but really good when she sings. But one thing I love most about her is her DANCING!!!! Yep, she moves in her own way and she makes me dance with her. Sigh, what's not to love? And most importantly, she makes me LAUGH. Melissa: oh, c'mon, can't you see why I'm so so so in love with her??? It's her musical talents!!! WRITING SONGS that good???? WRITING those wonderful LYRICS???? Playing harmonica AND guitar AT the same time???? She can play HARMONICA AND GUITAR AND PIANOOOO???? She's COOL as hell but FUN at the same time??? She's CARING. And, she has Tammy. Lol. Yep.

Ask me why I don't want them as my mentors, but my heroes. I'll tell you that the position of my mentors have been given to Xena and Ryan, and can't be taken away to any other human being, fiction or alive. I've learned from them most, when I need it most. Even, if you really track it back, my meeting Ellen and Melissa has a great connection to them both. There's no other way.But Melissa and Ellen, they both in their own way make me more confident in myself, in my orientation. They both are the pictures of confidence and strength, and success. The perfect role models, mostly for lesbians. I can't hope for Rossie O'Donnell, sorry, coz really, she doesn't make a good role model with her sarcastic ways, and her firing guns with politicians. Ellen and Melissa prove that their sexuality doesn't define who they are. Their deeds do. I read an article today, in Indonesian, written in an Islamic teachings. Okay, no discrimination is my rule. Remember that. I don't write this to degrade Islam, I just don't agree with its teaching. As long as it concerns no important issues, for me it's okay, like, it's perfectly alright and even admirable to do the five time a day sholat. But this is about HUMAN LIFE. Actually I agree that gays shouldn't be too proud of themselves coz what have they done to deserve that pride? Except for those who have achieved something great despite the discrimination they faced, of course. But gays like me, I can only be proud of other gays' achieve. I can't say I'm proud of being gay. I can only say that I'm proud that I dare admit it to myself that I'm gay... even come out to a few people, though only one I know personally. Lol. But the article doesn't talk about that. The article talks about gays like a virus, like the 'spreading' of that virus. Yes, now Indonesian gays have started to be heard. They started to dare to go politic, they started to dare to come out and shout out, "I am gay and I'm no different than you!" and living a relatively ordinary life. That's a good thing for me, a humanist. But it's certainly a threat for fanatically (or, radically) religious people. Yep, they fear the word 'liberty'. No one knows exactly why can a man love a man or why a woman love a woman. Including gays. Ask me. I don't know. I'm just attracted to them. In my case, I don't even know for sure whether I'm 100% gay or I'm bi. But it doesn't matter for me, coz I'm me and I won't change if tomorrow I find out that I'm actually straight. I still am. I will still like to eat, like to sleep. I will still love Melissa and Ellen. I will still love Xena and Ryan. I will still hate discrimination. I will still stand up for LGBT people and gay marriage. Okay, that's off of the main topic.

Hm, okay. Since no one knows why someone becomes a gay (I don't know why many people still think that someone becomes gay the moment they are told... you see? You tell your friend you are gay. All in sudden they run away from you like you're some contangious dissease, though maybe just five minutes ago they hugged you and told you they loved you), then why is it a gay person's sin that they become gay? If being gay is a sin, blame the person who put the gay gens in their bodies (track it to Adam and Eve). If being gay is a sin, blame it to the situation that made them gay in the first place. Why is it that person's fault??? Can you help if that you become a heterosexual? Do you have any control to which sex you're attracted to? Or, to be easier to understand, do you have any control on how you like chocolate better than vanilla, or how you like spicy food or not, or how you like girls with long hair and not the short-haired ones? Do you have any control at all? The control you have is that you can choose to eat it or not, follow your feelings or not. Just imagine that you don't like spicy food and is told that you have to eat spicy food or die, because eating non-spicy food means you do a sin and you must die. Not die by starving, mind you. But by being thrown stones or by beating your head to some walls. Is it even a DECENT way to execute a person????!!! Nobody deserves to die that way. Even a sinner. I wish for those people who wish for others to die that way to get some kind of vision of how horrible it is to punish someone that way. Yes, of course, there are less gays in the moslem country if that's the punishment!!! Not because there are no gays in that country, but because all those gays are afraid of coming out!!!! That's the difference, can't you see??? Gay people have been here, then, now, and maybe forever. The difference is that if they live it in the open or not. Don't sweat yourself by imagining what does it feel to be someone gay if you are heterosexual. You won't ever understand it that way, just like a man would never understand about a woman's menstruation. Just imagine IF everyone around you is gay, you are the only heterosexual in the bunch, and the bible and Qur'an say that being heterosexual is a sin and you must be punished by being thrown stones or banging your head to the walls, that your marriage is not legal even in the country which claims itself as the most liberal country in the world. Say that you are a religious person, how will you feel, that your beloved God created you this way and then He wants you to live a terrible life for nothing???? How will you feel, when you look around you, seeing all those happily married gays around you? How will you feel, when you are forbidden to marry the one you love, when you see that many gays around you get marry, get divorced, remarry, get divorced again, and so on? How will you see when you grow old with the one you love for 50 years without the permission to stay with them in the hospital when they get sick, while those people who cheat on their partners get to see them in the hospital, actually, but don't do it because they're too busy fuckin' other people? This, isn't about fair or not. I know sometimes life's just ain't fair. Sometimes good people suffer for nothing. I'm just saying, let's live together in harmony. If being gay is a sin, let God decides what happens to them. Oh, yeah, just to remind you, if being gay is a sin, so are: eating foods forbidden in the bible, not being faithful to your loved one, getting divorced, sex outside marriage, saving in a bank, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Don't even try to argue, coz it only proves that you only want to see what you want to see in the holy books. The truth is clear: the time has changed two thousand years (plus minus) since those books are created. I'm not saying that what's written isn't true anymore. I'm just saying, this is the age of understanding, the age of choice, the age when we call ourselves 'beradab', we just shouldn't judge each other that harshly and let God do it for us. A person who kill another person, even if, or especially if, he uses religion as his reason, is 'biadab' in my dictionary. No good enough reason to convince me that killing is okay, except if the reason is that it's happened when they try to defend themselves from an attack. Even that needs some self-evaluation.

I won't even talk about morality or I'll be writing here all night. I'm sorry I don't stand up for the more concerning issues like climate crisis, war, hunger, AIDS, SARS, bird flu, earthquake, flood, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. It isn't because I don't care about them, it's because I know so little about them. I guess everybody has his/her own interest concerning these topics, and it happens that my interest lay in discrimination, especially about gays and races because I experience it personally. Well, I've never faced any harassment (and I hope never will) because I'm gay, but I've been harassed with words, just because the people who said it to me don't know that I'm gay. It hurts enough, can't imagine those who experienced gay bashing. I care about people suffering from the earthquake, from bird flu, from SARS, from flood... but what can I do for them except wishing them well? I'm not a doctor who can find the medicine, I'm not someone who can build them new innovation to prevent it. What I can do is writing, though only to a blog which is only read by my best friend who already knows all of the above. I can write about people with AIDS, I can condemn war, I can actually talk about climate crisis (though I won't preach about it until I know how to control my own destructing way of living on this earth), but they all lead me to the topic I'm most familiar with: discrimination. Without discrimination and judging one another, we can face with anything, you know. Thinking on how to prevent the flood to spread instead of fighting over some oil like children. Coming together to help educating people about AIDS so the number will reduce and they won't be discriminated again. Understanding and tolerating each other's religion instead of condemning each other. It is so easy, why is it that hatred and pride always come in the way? And funny enough, why is it that those people in the high places can't see it, while even children can see it so clearly? Why is it, that politic makes people blind with greed, pride, and hatred?

Monday, April 09, 2007

Damn, I've Been To Hell and Back Again

Heh, I guess I deserve just a little more.
My life has turned to a point that I feel so empty that I don't know what to do. I guess I just need to be in love, you know. Being in love makes me happier, stronger, livelier. Heh. Yeah, I miss those times.
The problem is that 22 isn't here anymore, and she's the only one who can make my heart sing. I'm easily attracted to women I think are attractive, but I'm not easily fall in love. Yes, there are attractive women around me, yes, I'm quite attracted to some of them, but no, they don't make me do crazy things like 22 did.
Sigh... sometimes I really want to sing this to her:
'Damn, I wish I was your lover
I'll rock you till the daylight comes
Make sure you are smiling and warm
I am everything, tonight I'll be your mother
I'll do such thing to ease your pain
Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed
Shucks, for me there is no other
You're the only shoe that fits
I can't imagine I'll grow out of it
Damn, I wish I was your lover'
It's a sexy, interesting song I found some days ago and I've been in love with that song ever since, along with Melissa's 'You Can Sleep While I Drive' and her 'I Want To Be In Love'.
Okay, I will continue later, or else, coz I'm so damned mad that I can't download the file I want to download!!! Fuck Indonesia's internet. ;p