Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Holy... Madness!!!

I swear I've never watched anything as obnoxious, absurd, vulgar, ridiculous and idiotic as this one! I don't even know how to explain the plot in words... it's so twisted and... oh well, you've got to watch it to understand it. But you know what? I love it despite all its ridiculousness. And I believe I'm not the only one, cause in fact, most of the casts in this movie are well-known, high-paid, beautiful actors and actresses whose talents are proven again and again. And most of them are my favorites! That's actually why I watched it in the first place. Heh heh.

So, the movie is Holy Weapon (1993). I found it when I was digging through the golden years of Hongkong movies, and when I read the casts I knew I should watch it at least once. Michelle Yeoh. Sandra Ng. Carol 'Dodo' Cheng. Maggie Cheung. Sharla Cheung. Dicky Cheung. Simon Yam. Ng Man-Tat. Damian Lau. Charine Chan and Esther Kwan (dunno who they are, though). Oh well, with those many beautiful women (okay, okay... and men), even if you don't get the humor, you'll still get the eye candy.

I've just remembered Dodo Cheng and Sharla Cheung today, in fact. I've always been a fan of Dodo Cheng, but never knew her name before. I've always thought she reminds me of Julie Andrews (correct that: actually Julie Andrews reminds me of her, cause I found her first!), but her specialty is comedy. She's really cool, though, and I almost screamed all-too-girly when I found out that she once teamed up with Cecilia Yip in a movie called 'Wonder Women'. GOTTA FIND THAT, and SOON! Ps. It's surprisingly hard finding a good picture of her on the net... >:(

Sharla Cheung is another actress I've always been fond of, but never knew the name before. She's great in playing a cruel seducer. Now I can't say she's the type of girl I want to marry, but damn, can anyone really resist her seduction, no matter if you're a guy or a girl? (And guess who she seduced in this movie! I almost got a heart attack! And it's too bad she didn't do drag like this... sigh...)

This movie started out quite seriously, with a man named Super Sword (hm... I guess it didn't even start seriously) betrayed China and sided with Japan to become the king of martial world. He killed so many heroes who opposed him, but he was not satisfied until he defeated Heaven's Sword (again, it's a man's nickname). Heaven's Sword was about to marry (with Michelle Yeoh, dammit!) but he postponed it in order to duel with Super Sword. He then asked his good friend, The Ghost Doctor, to give him 'The Greatest Drug'. The Greatest Drug could double his power and enabled him to defeat Super Sword, but he could die from the side-effect, or at least went crazy. He chose to take it anyway.

Long story short, he defeated Super Sword, but Super Sword escaped him with the promise to return after three years for revenge. Meanwhile the drug took effect and he went crazy, and even drove his fiance away. The story then fast forward to three years later, when Heaven's Sword revealed to Ghost Doctor, who had been taking care of him, about an ultimate martial art book that needed 7 virgins for the formations. Yeah, the story mostly told the story of how those 'seven virgins' met and the hullabaloo surrounding it. It centered around a young man who ran away from his forced marriage, his bride-to-be, a princess he met along the way, the princess' bodyguard who happened to be an omnisexual woman, Heaven's Sword's fiancee who cross-dressed as a man, a disciple of Super Sword who finally left her master (Spider Ninja), Butterfly (her martial sister), and Ghost Doctor's daughter, Blonde (it's her name! And no, she's not blonde).

Please rest your logic and your sanity at the door before you even attempt to watch this movie. Some spoilers for you would include "slow-motion mud", "affectionate kiss" (quite predictably, this will bring some mistaken identity chaos), a green vampire, kicked-out-and-then-swallowed eyeball, love flower (of yoko fame, but this one can glow in the dark and can run away)... oh God, what the hell did I just watch??? Oh, and don't forget the "Feminine Essence Wine", which, drunk by a man, will make his 'little brother' disappeared (and they actually SHOWED this scene in the movie!) everytime he's wet. Yeah, and potion-wise, it can put Harry Potter to shame. Oh, and don't expect a love triangle in this movie. Expect at least a love PENTAGLES!

To be fair, let's talk a bit about the male casts. I've always liked Simon Yam, but it's too bad that I'm a bit allergic to Dicky Cheung since I watched his Sungokong. He's bearable, but it's to him I cringed the most while watching this movie. Damian Lau is okay, still I cannot see which part of him is attractive. He's playing an honorable man, though, so at least I owe him some respect. Ng Man-Tat is one of my favorites at comedy, and he's seemingly EVERYWHERE. He plays comedy well and he plays drama convincingly. That's my guy! :D

I want to save my favorite lady for last, but THIS is the best I can find of her of this movie. Dammit. 
Ah, well, screw logic!!!!
Don't watch this movie for the martial arts, although the moves are great like always (after all they are ALL martial movie veterans, including the producers and the choreographers). Don't watch this movie for the acting although it's star-studded. Don't watch this movie if you expect anything Oscar related. Only watch this movie if you want to go crazy for a while and have fun, watching those lovely ladies and laughing at the crazy jokes. It's the kind of movie you'll either love or hate, and you'll never know until you give it a try.

PS. Reading any review about this movie is almost as entertaining. LMAO!!!

Maybe one of the reasons that I love this movie is because I'm a fan girl. Some of the girls fell in love with other girls, voluntarily or otherwise, and although it wasn't exactly 'reciprocated', in the end two of the girls went off together (my favorite comedic duoooo!!!) and the other two would share a husband (I would give everything to be THAT bastard, cause those two happened to be MY FAVORITE!!!). Of course they beat Super Sword in the end, but guess what, it wasn't those seven virgins who beat them, but SIX virgins and an MTF transgendered virgin. Yeah. Sanity at the door, remember?


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