Words From My Past

Words From My Past

There are many things I've learned through the years. Some of them are still with me, some of them I don't believe anymore. For now, I find myself very selfish. I only believe in MY own God. I only believe in MY own philosophy. I only trust MYself. I only trust MY judgement. But my life isn't all about me. What if my judgement is wrong?
If I do wrong and people are angry to me because of that, I'll feel guilty and ashamed. Of I do right and people accuse me I'll only be angry or so-so, because I know that I'm not wrong. But if people are angry at me because of something I can't change, I'll feel hurt, and sad, and angry. I don't know if my being gay is right or wrong, it's not my place to judge that because the one one who can judge that is God, but it's clear that I can't change it. No matter if I'm born gay or I'm raised differently so I became gay, the only thing that matters is that I can't change it. It's the same feeling when people are angry at me because I'm chinese. I'll feel just the same when they're mad at me for being a woman, for being born in June, for being so young, for being right-handed, or for my being rather tall.


About life, death, and something we can't change:

We're always like that. We see our friends... our family... our beloved, alive and talking, laughing, moving, feeling... and then... something happens and we just can't believe that the dead body in front of us is the same person with she/he was the day before.

I really don't know... maybe we should just go with the flow for everything we don't have control over. We can't enjoy every second we have with someone if everything we think of when we're with them is that they will die someday and we HAVE to make the most of our given time together. Maybe sometimes it's okay to feel that this moment we're in will last forever, to take absolutely everything we have for granted. But only sometimes. We have to go back to reality sooner or later. Yeah, I think in the matter of life and death there's nothing we can do. Regret is very hard to cope with, so try to never take anything for granted, but when you're in one very special moment and you want the moment to last forever, just go with the feeling and hold on until reality comes back to you. Because it's those kind of moments that REALLY will last forever, no matter what happens ahead. You'll have the memory. It's those kind of moments that will help you through the hardest of times. Don't ruin it by thinking that maybe it's the last day you have on earth.

Anyway, life is funny and unpredictable. No matter how wise you are, no matter how careful you take care of your life, sometimes it's just no use. And then, someday when we have gone through all that, we'll laugh at how hard we tried to change something we can't change.

My Condolensce To Jogja

My Condolensce To Jogja
I intended to go to Jogja as a volunteer but in the end my study and organization take control. Afterall, almost all of my beloved friends are okay and I don't want my family to worry about me. There's only one little problem that disturb me most. Someone I once loved, my first love, actually. My smses aren't one replied. I don't know if she's okay or not, I don't know how about her home and her family, and what worry me most is that she lives near one of the most damaged area.
Dear best friend, I'm so glad that you're okay and most of all I'm relived that you have someone who'll be with you no matter what, that's why I can be not worry much about you. I don't know how you feel or what you went through, but I understand that it must be a big trauma for you. I just hope there's something more I can do. Now, even connecting with you all seems so hard to do. My best wishes for Jogja and I'll pray for Jogja that it won't happen ever again. This once is more than enough already!
I guess it's God's message for us... just like what Ebiet G Ade said... I always liked his songs. We just should blend more with the nature.

Feel Empty

Lately, few things matter to me. I'm bored as hell. No, that doesn't mean that I don't have a mountain of tasks waiting to be done, but I'm bored. It's like anything I do won't make any change, and I don't care if I do it well or not because it doesn't matter for me. I think I know why I'm like this, but there's nothing I can do. When I love, I love with all my heart that it becomes the source of my power and energy (or so my friends say). But now, when I love no one, when no face appear on my mind everytime the day gets rough... I lose the will to fight, to compete, to win. I hope this semester will end soon enough and I can go home, or at least for my target of affection to hurry home. I'm just so lost without that smile.

I'm A Rent-head!

Oh, Gosh! I'm A Rent Head!

I can't believe I haven't written about RENT yet!
I love that show so much, you know. The songs, the plot, the love, and the life.

Let's start with the easiest one: The Plot.
I like it so much that the plot is simple but not boring. There were a group of Bohemians (I don't care how people describe bohemian, but for me, they are 'free people'). First, Mark, the film maker, who's Roger (songwriter)'s roomate. Mark's an ex-boyfriend to Maureen, who's a performer, who's now Joanne (a lawyer)'s girlfriend. And then there's Benny who's Mark, Roger, Colins, and Maureen's ex-roomate. And there's Mimi, 19-year-old stripper who's Mark and Roger's neighbour and who has the thing with Roger. Then Tom Colins, which is by far my favorite character besides Maureen and Joanne, he's also an ex-roomate. He met Angel (a drag queen) on the street, who's also Mimi's friend and they're both with HIV, and they fall in love. The plot provides each character with fair time for us to know them pretty well. If I'm asked who's the main character in this movie, I'm really sorry, I don't know. For my eyes, all of them are the main characters. Each of them has their own importance, just like each of the people in the world.

The Love & The Life
Rent is so rich with love! There are straight love story (Roger & Mimi), bisexual love story (Mark and Maureen), gay love story (Colins and Angel), and even lesbian love story (Maureen and Joanne). Very well done! They're all Bohemians, they don't judge themselves and others. "It's between God and me." How true. They are as poor as a mouse, of course except Joanne, they are with HIV, they are losers to the eyes of the world, but they are wonderful people for me. They are rich, in fact, for they have friends and they have love, and they have freedom. Like Angel. When Mimi met her for the first time, she was being harassed by some guys, and she said, "I'm more of a man than you'll ever be, and more of a woman than you'll ever get." Though her body's getting worse by the AIDS, her spirit never dies. And her spirit doesn't stop in her own self, it has sproud among the gang in the end. And Maureen, she does seem like the type who's so confident with her own skin (which she does) and she flirts with everybody. Everybody wants her, boys and girls alike. That makes Joanne who's the type-A gal jealous and worried sick. But as you can see in the end, when they're watching Mark's film, as she sings 'I die without you', she clutches Joanne's arm... and the expression says silently that she does love her very much, and that Joanne's the one and only for her, no matter with whom she flirts. The most wonderful character for me is Angel, after all.

Now the best part of the show: The Songs.
From the time when the first chorus kicked in, I was glued to my seat. "Seasons of Love"

525600 minutes, 525000 moments so dear
525600 minutes, how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525600 minutes,
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love
525600 minutes, 525600 journeys to plan
525600 minutes, how do you measure a life of a woman or a man?
In truths that she learned?
Or in times that he cried?
In bridges he burned?
Or the way that she died?
It's time now, to sing out, though the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Measure in love
Seasons of love

Then the second, upbeat song "Rent" played. I like the fire thing. It has kind of 'feeling' in it.
The third song is "You'll See". Both Rent and You'll See don't leave much feel in my ear, though. Just... 'it was good'.
And then we see Angel playing rhythm on a drum. Though it's only rhythm, ow, it was wonderful. I like it so much.
The next song to be played is "One Song Glory". It's a sad, sad song. And still, it doesn't have its way to my heart the first time I heard it.
Now, here is the first song which gave me an inkling that probably, I would love this movie, anyway: "Light My Candle". It's a light, flirty, playful song. And it's goooood. Half a room in my heart for that song.
The first time I heard "Today For You" it didn't impress me much, but I like that song, too. But now I like it much better.
Here, here! This is the first song I really love! From the first time I heard it I already loved it. The bittersweet "Tango Maureen". I love Joanne's voice and I like how her voice mixed with that of Mark's. And of course, I enjoyed the tango. Oh, yeah, I love a line of that song, "Might as well, dance a tango to hell, at least I have tangoed at all." Isn't that always like that with something called 'love'?
Then the "No Day But Today" song! Owwwwww, I love that song! The first time it's played is in the Life Support.

There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret
Or life is your to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today

How true! The lyrics struck me hard and it stays with me, and it will be in my heart everytime I start to take granted.
Then the REALLY flirty "Out Tonight", mixed with harsh "Another Day" and again, "No Day But Today". Wow. Wonderful. "There is no future, there is no past. I live this moment as my last." "I can't control my destiny, I trust my soul. My only goal is just to be."

There's only now, there's only here
Give in to love, or live in fear
No other path, no other way
No day but today

Then the "Will I" song. This song is simple, but touch my heart in the perfect place, as I think about people who's suffering from AIDS singing this song. But now I realize, this song fits more than to people with AIDS. Everyone has their own share of fear, that they will left alone and no one will care. When I made mistake last week and thought that I probably outted myself mistakenly, I sang this song repeatly again and again.

Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

Aah, the wishful thought of "Santa Fe"! Ow, I'm like that, too, plus minus, for I do dream of opening up a restaurant. Not in Santa Fe, but who knows? Haha.
Now THIS is my favorite song in the movie. "I'll Cover You". Romantic, wishful, playful. And I love the way Colins and Angel sing it. Soooo well-matched of voice as well as performance! And it's so romantic also because the song ends with a kiss. Yippie.

Live in my house, I'll be your shelter
Just pay me back with one thousand kisses
Be my lover, I'll cover you
Open your door, I'll be your tenant
Don't got much baggage
to lay at your feet
But sweet kisses I've got to spare
I'll be there and I'll cover you
I think they meant it
when they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it
a new lease you are, my love
on life, be my life
Just slip me on, I'll be your blanket
Wherever, whatever, I'll be your coat
You'll be my king and I'll be your castle
No, you'll be my queen, and I'll be your moat
I've longed to discover something as true as this is
So with a thousand sweet kisses
When you're cold and you're lonely
With a thousand sweet kisses,
You've got one nickel only
With a thousand sweet kisses,
When you're worn out and tired
I'll cover you
when your heart has expired
oh, lover,
I'll cover you

Oh, then Maureen's show. "Over The Moon". First time I saw it, I went like, "What on earth is that???" It was weird. But now I enjoy it, too, though I don't love it much.
"La Vie Boheme" ROCKS!!!! Ow, this is a very very bohemian song! It's so free, with lyrics and with melody! It's simply the best! My second favorite after "I'll Cover You" for 'having-fun music'. "To being an us for once instead of a them." "It's between God and me."
Sadly the happy boheme has to be cut for "I Should Tell You". It's a sweet song, too. But it just sets another tone. Thankfully, though, the tone sets back quickly. "Let he among us without sin be the first to condemn." Ow, the song blows my mind!
The next song is again, "Seasons of Love with different lyrics.
Then, welcome to Joanne's and Maureen's engagement party. So fancy. But the flirting Maureen and the jealous Joanne kicked in and they sang "Take Me or Leave Me". The song is funny, sexy, and though it's a break-up song, it's beautiful. "Women, what is it about them, can't live with them or without them." Frustating, huh? But it also proves that really, in fact, despite her over flirting side, Maureen really loves Joanne. She can have anyone she wants, but she chooses Joanne.
After that, things get so sad. "Without You" is the song for all the couples. Maureen and Joanne are both sad from the break up. Roger and Mimi break up too, coz Roger finds out that Benny and Mimi get together and they were lovers once. And Angel's in the hospital, with Colins by her side all the time. She dies.
All the gang are in the Angel's funeral. Colins sings "I'll Cover You" again in slow tone. It's so touching. I cried the first time I heard it. The song is mixed with "Sesons of Love" which made it even more graceful and touching and rich.
But outside the church, Roger vs Mimi and Maureen vs Joanne start to confront. Ow, "Goodbye, Love" hurts. "I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had. Someone to live for, unafraid to say 'I love you'."You'll never share real love until you love yourself." Though it's a goodbye song for Roger and Mimi, Maureen and Joanne get back together after that song.
The upbeat "What You Own" is a realization song. "The film maker cannot see, the songwriter cannot hear. Yet I see Mimi everywhere, Angel's voice is in my ear." Funny, Mark the film maker can only hear Angel's voice while Roger the songwriter can only see Mimi's eyes. But in the end of the song finally, they can. "Angel, I see it, I see it in my film. Mimi, I hear you, I hear you, my song."
The next song is "I Should Tell You" mixed with "Another Day" and "Your Eyes", when Mimi is found dying and Roger sang to her.
And the end. The ending is as wonderful as the film. "No Day But Today" mixed with "Will I" and "Without You". This is where you'll see what this film is all about. It's so dramatically ended, too, as Angel be the last scene shown with the lyrics: "No day but today".
No day but today, indeed. So I'll make as many my friends as possible to watch this. Go RENT!

The Kind of Person I Will Love

The Kind of Person I Will Love

I know whom I'll love.
Someone who can drop tears for someone else's pain. Someone who sees the good in people. Someone who realizes that I'm not about my looks or my skills, but my heart, my crowning glory. And believe me, though I think look is important, it's useless without the heart I seek.
I never need someone who's so strong, magnificent, and all that. Not physically. But I need those who has the kindness of the heart. Those who is willing to help others without repayment. Those who is brave enough not to care their own good or bad, helping others with all they might. Those who has love in their heart and act using that as the source. Because it's that kind of person who will have the greater strength. It's the kind of person who will love me to never end. It's the kind of person whom I will love.
I really like Xu Xian. He/she (I'll refer him as 'she', anyway he's a she) was really the kind of person I want to fall in love with. Smart, kind, honest (She can't even lie to save her own life! Thank God she's so smart), and wonderfully loving. She's also very romantic, funny (in stupid ways, which always makes me laugh)... perfect. In that kind of time, husbands always rule his family. But the kind of husbands who succeed in his life are the kind of husbands like Xu Xian, who listen to their wives. I like it so much how Xu Xian handles his family. It's like both of them rule the family. That's the kind of family I want in. There's no separated job desc for both the couple, but they both do what they can do. Even though Xu Xian is the husband, when Bai Shu Zhen has a better idea, he lets her make the decision. And even though cooking is 'women's task', he doesn't mind cooking and serving his wife. But he also has enough pride to be ashamed that he can't be as strong as his wife that he even thinks to practice martial arts. Funny, and yet, so romantic and thoughtful of her. And even when she's on the edge of dying, she still thinks of her wife first.
Well, the qualities I mentioned above... I guess I have them too, even though not as pure as Han Wen's because mine is from my training myself, not naturally so. The person I will fall in love with will notice that. Even though I don't tell her, even though I don't do it in front of people, she'll know. She'll see it and notice it. And she'll appreciate and love it as much as I love hers. Like Xu Xian and Bai Shu Zhen. They're both kindhearted and they both know that it's what made them attracted to each other in the first place. Besides, they're connected through the debt of kindness.
I know that the kind of person I want to love is very rare in this world. But I believe with all my heart that there's really a person like that for me. It doesn't matter if others want to laugh at me. Around me, there's a friend who sometimes surprises me with her thoughtfulness. And there's one more friend who didn't mind accompany me walking a really long distance just to repair my cell phone. There must be someone who has the kind of heart I seek for. And I believe I will find her.

The Princess and Her Pirate

The Princess and Her Pirate

Everytime I watch movie and there's a gay character in it, I end up groaning, fully disappointed. Usually the gay character is either just 'passing by' (ex. Legally Blonde, Under The Tuscan Sun, Miss Congeniality), as a villain or as a bad person (ex. Legally Blonde, Eurotrip, Gia, Monster), the gay character is actually not gay at all (ex. Kissing Jessica Stein, Mean Girls), they die in the end - and not a pretty death it was (ex. Monster, Gia), the gay thing is just added to make the story (ex. Bend It Like Beckham)... well, to summon it up, usually in the movies which have gay character in them, I've never seen the gay character to have a happy ending (as in 'they live happily ever after') with someone they love. Maybe there're actually movies with gay character which happy ending like this movie I've just watched recently, but they never reach my area. At least not yet. Fortunately this movie does reach my area. D.E.B.S.
When I rented this movie, I expected nothing. I just saw the movie in the site 'Dyke Drama' and I thought, 'What the heck, I'll watch it'. But the story grew more than I've ever expected! There's no coming out story, there's no dealing with sexual orientation, there's no drugs involved, there's no... nothing! There're just two people falling in love with each other. That's is. Two people who just happen to be both women. And the conflict isn't even because they're both women, but because they belong to two parties who are opposites: villain and cop. The story would be just the same if the two characters are of the opposite sex. And that's why I love the movie. It shows us that the love between two women is just as simple, as pure, as sweet, and as cute as a love between woman and man can be. It's just a love story.
Really, for those who think that love is just a simple thing and should be cherished for just what it is, you should watch this movie. I bet you'll smile to yourself in the end. It's so simple! Just like Romeo and Juliet (in this case, Juliet and Juliet) with happy ending. Heh heh heh. Because in this movie Lucy wants to be a pirate and Amy is the 'miss perfect' who could always have whatever she wants, I give the movie a new title: 'The Princess and Her Pirate'.
I'm so glad I ran into this movie. Finally after watching a movie with gay characters in it, I can smile.

How Do I Know When I'm In Love?

How Do I Know When I'm In Love?

How do I know when I'm in love?
I feel my heart beats twice faster whenever I see her
I feel my breath caught at her beauty
And all the speeches leave me
For I've got nothing to say but praises for her
I feel a blush creeps up to my face whenever our eyes meet
And I feel my hand shaking when she's nearby
I feel like I want to see into her eyes forever
And I need to be close to her
I feel a peace and contentness when she's beside me
Just like when I'm cuddling to my pillows at night
I feel the need to touch her
Ever so gently and so tenderly
I want to lay my head on her shoulder
And share with her my dreams and hopes
I want to share the happiness, the pain, and the hurt
We both went through before we met each other
I want to kiss away all her tears
And bring a smile to her sweet lips
I want to hold her hand so firmly yet so gently
And never let go
I want to believe in her
For she is one spark of truth in the world of lies
I want to trust her with my heart
Knowing that she won't ever break it
I want to love her with all my heart and soul
Give her all of me, all I have and all I'll ever want
And promise her that my love will never end
Through the time, through death, and through eternity.

In The Name of Love

In The Name of Love

Hey, you know what I've just figured out? It's that maybe, whatever we do, if we do it in the name of love, it will feel right. Even killing somebody else. Even hurting people. Even betraying your loved ones. Even destroying a country. It will feel right.
Whatever I do, I always try to follow my heart because I thought that love will guide us to the right path. I've always believed it. But is it true? Until now after realizing it, I don't stop believing in love, but is it always right? Love can make you do the most astonishing thing on earth, but it can also guide you to destruction. It can make you do good things and it can make you do cruel things. We can save someone's life or kill someone else. We can make a better world or a worse world. We can start or stop a war. It doesn't matter. As long as we do it for love, it will feel right. But then come again the question: is it ACTUALLY right?
We are not God, I'm not God. I just take a little time everyday to think what if what I did is not right in God's eyes, even though it felt perfectly right for me because I did it in the name of love? If in the name of love I saved a murderer's life only to have him killing someone else afterwards, did I do right? If in the name of love I hurt my beloved because I didn't want to cause a deeper pain, is what I did right? If in the name of love I ignored religion's lessons and being gay, is what I did right? There're so many examples of this dillema, but when I'm faced with these problems I know what I'll do. I will choose to save that murderer's life, to hurt my beloved, and to ignore the religion's lessons.
Well, maybe God gives us the gift of love so He can control us. I've ever heard the saying that maybe love is God's instrument to make human regenerate. Heh heh, love's so much more than that, because love isn't just between man and woman. There're many kinds of love and if love is God's instrument, well, He can control every aspect of our lives!
You know why I choose to follow my heart everytime the road leads me to a hard choice? The answer is simple, really. I'm not God and I don't know what God wants me to do, so I do the only thing I could: following the only guide God's provided human with; love.

Gay Marriage

Gay Marriage

I've read a lot of articles in a local newspaper to know that the newspaper did well to be neutral about gay and lesbian. But it seems that the readers never read all those articles. ALL of the commentaries about gay and lesbian marriage are negative. They either downright not approving it or doesn't care at all. Some of the commentaries made me really disappointed. It said something like this, "Semua agama menganggap homoseksualitas sebagai dosa. Apa-apaan mereka kok malah menuntut pernikahan secara sah?" Then there's one who commented like this, "Homoseksualitas itu dosa dan cuma menularkan AIDS saja."
It seems to me that they commented like that either because their lacks of brains or heart. For one point, the HIV/AIDS does NOT just spread among gays. For your information, silly pretty lady, HIV/AIDS spreads also spreads among heterosexuals as well. Mostly it spreads among those using drugs and the prostitutes. But if you wanna know my opinion, the HIV/AIDS spreads a lot among gays because of YOU. IF all people are like you, gay marriage will never be legal. And if it never be legal, chances are they will never be married. And single people are free to sleep with anybody. The 'anobody' could be people infected with HIV/AIDS. And, BOOM! Welcome to the ODHA world. How about drugs? It's the same. Most parents disown their children when they come out as gays. Most bosses fire their employees when they know their employees are gays. Most classmates ignore or even make fun of their gay friend. With stresses like that, do you think it's strange that more gays choose to use drugs? Of course, not all gays are angels, but so are straight people. We're just human, just like you.
About religions disapprovement of gays, it's true. But religions are something made by humans, just like philosophy. If religions are DIRECTLY from God, then why there are MANY religions? Not to say that all of them differ significantly from one another. If religions are made by Gods, there should be only ONE religion, or at least a few similar religions. But no, all religions differ so much from each other. Even Catholic and Christian which have the same bible are so different in the teaching. Who am I kidding? Even in the same religion, different priest could teach differently. How many centuries have passed? The teaching has been taught and taught and taught by many different people. I can hardly believe that the teaching is original to the details anymore. Now, because I'm Catholic, I'll talk about the Bible. They say the Bible condemn gays. Because of Sodom and Gomorah. But their sins are much more than just being gays. It's their way of treating people. There's ONE passage where St. Paul condemned homosexuality, but the passage contains the words LUST, DOESN'T ACCEPT GOD, FULL OF ENVY, MURDER, FIGHT, MALICIOUS, FOUL MOUTH, GOD-HATER, BIG-HEADED, UNFAITHFUL TO THEIR SPOUSES, etc, etc. But from what I see, it is NOT true. Homosexuality is not just about sex. It's about love too. By the way, even if it's just all about sex, so are many heterosexual marriages in the modern days. And who says gays don't accept God? Many gays are so religious that they tried to deny who they are just to prove that they are not sinners. Some succeed, some finally come to their senses and realize that they can't live denying who they are. But they still are faithful. I accept God, but the God I accept is a loving, fair, and forgiving God, not the God who likes to kill whoever dare not to listen to him. Jesus himself forgive those who killed him, will he punish gays from marrying their true love? I don't think so. By the way, do you know that many heterosexuals like to condemn God and just downright atheis? About full of envy, yes, we 'envy' heterosexual couples for having the right to marry legally. But if that's so, so did those black people who 'envied' the white people for having many better rights several centuries ago. God-hater! Devinitely not. If I hate God I would not pray or thanking Him, while I do pray everyday and I thank Him for creating me as a gay. Big-headed. Hahaha. Yeah, that's who I am. STUPID. Big-headed is a person's character. It depends on the person. Just count for yourself how many heterosexual people who are big-headed out there!!!! Unfaithful to their spouses. Heh. Lets see back to our topic. Gay marriage. If they are unfaithful, for what do they strive so hard to have a legal marriage???? Don't believe me? Read any articles about gay marriage. Those who are lucky enough to finally get married legally have been couples for many years. 8, 21, 5, 4, 23 years. Even there's a couple who've been together for 50 years. Unfaithful, you say? Why don't you see the heterosexual Britney Spears who got married for only A DAY before filling a divorce??? Really, the Bible needs revision, coz some of it are only human's thought, just philosophy, and is now out-dated. Don't believe me? Okay, now lets kill ALL people who commit adultery. What? Jesus forgave Mary Magdalena? Huh-uh, so why won't you forgive gays???
For the writer of 'Apa-apaan mereka kok malah menuntut pernikahan sah'. You are clearly a person who never falls in love. Have you ever fall in love? How would you feel if you can't marry the one you love? Interracial marriage has been banned in America years ago. People think it made no sense, and now it is legal. Interreligion marriage has been banned in Indonesia until now, but more and more people marry people with different religion coz they can do it religiously or in other country. Well, my family's never so fond of insurance or wills or anything with many paperworks. If someday I want to marry a woman, maybe I'll be okay with just a commitment ceremony. But in developed countries, everything has paperworks. Couples with no legal marriage can't do many things for their loved ones. Really, it's not fair at all. People who marry just for money, or just for position, or simply just for sex can get married legally as long as they're heterosexuals, but people who really love each other can't get married simply because they are homosexuals. Don't you even have a heart?
Marriage doesn't come from the court, doesn't come from a wedding, doesn't come from signed papers, doesn't come from blessing of a church. Marriage only comes from the heart of two people who really love each other and are willing to commit themselves to each other and each other only, till their dying day. Gays strive for legal marriage only for the previllege of filling paperworks not as 'single' while they do have a spouse.
Homosexuality never hurts anybody, why people are so scared of it? Make children's moral down? Damn, so it's better to expose them to hatred and prejudice? They first hate gays, then they hate those who don't have the same religion as they are and then they hate those who have different race. Pooh. What makes you think a loving couple can't raise good children while a child-abusing couple could? Why can't gay couples adopting a baby while there're so many heterosexuals people trying to abort their children? It's just so absurd!
One more point for me to make: homosexual people who are homosexual from the day they were born can't be changed, so it's a waste to bring them to phsychologist or something like that. They can pretend to be 'healed' by forcing themselves to marry people with different gender, or they can just tell themselves times and times again that they are now 'normal', but it doesn't change the fact that they will be attracted to people with the same sex forever. It's hard to prove, but it's true because, well, I went trough it. I can't explain sexual attraction. If you know why you're attracted to opposite gender, please let me know. Maybe I'll find an answer to my sexual attraction as well.
Well, I just try to explain to you why gay marriage shouldn't be banned. Imagine if someone you love so much - like your siblings or your children - come out someday and they can't marry the one they love. Imagine if those you love must face the discrimination and prejudice for being who they are. And if you still can't find it in your heart to at least try to understand us, face it, you are simply homophobic (I strongly suggest that you contact your phsychologist before it's too late).

The Xena Story

The Xena Story

I'm really no good in talking... or writing, in this case. But I like writing, and I feel that I have to write this down someday, soon or later. I have to write this, to show how grateful I am that there's a show called Xena: Warrior Princess. It wasn't my first favorite show on TV and it wouldn't be the last, but I know one thing: there's never been a show that affected my life in the way XWP did. And I can imagine telling my grandchildren about the show years ahead.
It all began so easily. I was visiting my friend's home one Sunday afternoon and my friend and her sister were watching Hercules. I joined them, but after a while I decided to go home and watched Hercules there.
As you probably know, the Xena show was played after Hercules. I stayed tune after the Hercules show, and I watched Xena. Love at the first sight? Um... not that bad. But I did fall in love with the 'Miss Amphipolis', and I knew I had found my new favorite TV show. Ever since then, no matter what happened I always took time to watch Xena.
Well, I stopped watching Xena when I was in first grade of Junior High School because I fell in love with Oscar. It's only for a while, though. In the end, everything always led me back to Xena.
I didn't realize it at first... I watched Xena only for entertainment. But then slowly I realized... that I could learn a lot from Xena. Of course not about school subject. It's far more important. It's about life. Yes, I learned a lot from her. Like I always said, Xena taught me about love of friendship. Oscar taught me about love of eros. And Joan taught me about love of God. It's no longer true, by the way. Now, for me Xena had taught me everything about life without exception. Oscar had taught me about loyalty and leadership and strength, mostly in organizations. And Joan, well, she still kept me close to God.
This may take a rather long time, but I want to tell you how exactly did Xena change my life. To simplify it, she made me who I am today. I can honestly say that I am who I am today because I know Xena. It's not my tomboy way, it's not my sexual orientation. But she's in my principals of life, she's in my spirit, and she's in my love.
When I watched Xena I was a teenager. So it's not surprise that the effects she gave me were absorbed fully by my young mind. Thankfully, she's got only a feeeeeew of bad effects. I did spend more money for Xena stuffs and internet, I did become a little foul-mouthed, I did become a little like Xena... but well, it's all worth it, compared to what I've got through the years.
Sadly, I couldn't list the things I learned from Xena. They're way too many to list! Only, if someday I have kids, I want them to watch Xena. I want them to know what I've known through the show. To fight for the greater good, to listen to what your heart says, to help the unfortunate, to love your parents and to respect your children, to be thankful everyday for the things you have, to live your life to the fullest, to cherish every moment so that you won't regret anything, to open your mind to others, not to be prejudice and not to discriminate any groups of people, to be childish sometimes, to appreciate what you've been blessed with, to know how to forgive others, to know what strength really is, to know what life is all about. But the most important thing is the love. The show was full of love, really, and I don't mean eros love only. There're loves between man and woman, of course, but there're also love between women, love between mother and child, love between friends, love to God, and well, all kinds of love were in the show. You name it.

About the show:
I love Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor! You know that the Xena show always invites the debate of 'are they or aren't they', right? Do you know why, inspite of the story-line that made Gabrielle marry Perdicus and Xena was in love with more men than I can count, most people seem to agree that they're lovers? One of the reason why is because Lucy and Renee seemed to have 'the spark'. You try to see a scene when Xena and Gabrielle looked into each other's eyes. Or when one of them tried to comfort the other. Or when they simply smiled to each other, hugged, or laughed together, or just simply being together. There's something unmistakable, that they're soulmates, that they're meant only for each other. They have the spark that make people see that they're only right for each other. That they just simply belong to one another.
In the real life they are just casual friends - well, close friends, maybe. But they are not lovers. You know what's funny? What's funny is when I look at Lucy and Renee (not Xena and Gabrielle), I see two close friends, that's all. I don't see the spark of soulmates between them like what I see when I see Xena and Gabrielle. Maybe it's because they're just NOT Xena and Gabrielle. They don't have Xena and Gabrielle's history, they don't have Xena and Gabrielle's personalities.
Well then, the show has everything I've ever wanted to see on screen! Humor, music, action, horor, romance... the show gets everything! I've never seen a better show on TV. I just wonder why don't more people watch the show. If more people love that show, maybe - just maybe - this world will be a better place to live. Like what Xena said, "Peace might be boring, but it's all anyone really wants."

About fan fictions:
When I first tried to read a fan fiction it was about Xena and Gabrielle being lovers. I just couldn't bear reading about two women together at that time (I was too young, anyway, and I was prejudice like I was taught to be). So I never tried to read any fan fiction again until I knew that there're general fan fictions out there. I read one. I think it's called 'Love's Rendition' by Tragedy88. The story was about two women but it didn't have the 'sex scene' so I was okay and I loved the story! After that one I seek for more and more fan fictions. After sometimes the general story made me bored (because the main characters always ended up doing nothing!) so I transfered to alternative story. I forgot what's the first alt fanfic I've ever read, but the best fanfic I've ever read is 'I Found My Heart In San Francisco' by SX Meagher. It's the longest one I've ever read, too, but just like Xena, it never made me bored. I learned so much from Ryan O'Flaherty that I really think that she's my mentor in life.
Now I've read thousands of fanfics, but these are the fanfics that inspire me the most:
1. A Best Friend's Magic - Advocate
2. A Week In The Lives or The Week That Was - Maggie & PeriBear
3. A Year In Paris - Malaurie Barber
4. At First Sight - Colleen
5. Bard Challenge III - Alex
6. Because You Loved Me - Katelin B.
7. Blue Fire - C.E. Gray
8. Ding Dong Door Ditch - My Warrior
9. I Found My Heart In San Francisco - SX Meagher
10. Gabrielle's Gift - Queenfor4
11. Getting It Right - KG MacGregor
12. Hesed - Mayt
13. I Never Knew - KG MacGregor
14. Just Like Xena - LJ Maas
15. Making New Memories - LJ Maas
16. Lost Soul Walking - DJWP
17. Love's Rendition - Tragedy88
18. MVP - C.E. Gray
19. The Pappas Journals - Elaine Sutherland
20. Trilogy: Shaken, Stirred, Strained - KG MacGregor
21. Snowbound - Queenfor4
22. None So Blind - LJ Maas
23. Mel & Janice Series - Enginerd
24. This Is A First Time Story - Temora
25. The Evening's Tale - Silk
26. Xena & Gabrielle Series - Enginerd
27. An Affair To Remember - Ambrosia
28. Between The Lines Series - Linda Crist
29. Undeniable - KM
30. Cold - Midgit
31. Madam President - Advocate (Blayne Cooper & T. Novan)
32. Happy Anniversary, Xena - LJ Maas
33. Out of India - Enginerd
34. Spin The Bottle - C.E. Gray
35. Earth Angel - C.E. Gray
36. The Brass Ring - Mavis Applewater
37. The Curse of The Conqueror - Enginerd
38. The Healing Touch Series - K. Darblyne
39. The Light Fantastic - LA Tucker
40. Twelve Days - Colleen
These are only a few of the total fanfics I like, really. I love 'em all and thank you, authors, for writing them and publishing them online. I know I can't afford to buy the book in print (I'm not in USA so it'll take even more money for the mailing).
It's a great Xenaverse out there and I'm proud to be one of them. Being a Xenite really is more than being simply a fan of a show or an actress. It's almost like a spiritual experience for me. I'm so glad I 'm what I am today. Thank you.

About Two Hurricanes

Warning: This one is my reply to my best friend's old post, just in case you're wondering. And by the way, no offense to both religions. Instead, I wrote this, trying hard to make the two religions understand that there's no use fighting each other.

About Two Hurricanes

Well, yeah. I don't know why, but it seems that the only two religions who have the most problems about each other are Christian and Islam.
I think it's because they're the religions which have the most fanatic members. They're religions which claim that they're the rightest religions exist. And because the rightest religion should be only one, so they confronted each other to win that position.
It's funny, really. I think, Nao, that the reason behind the fight is not their ego. Well, not all. I know that some people REALLY DO BELIEVE that it's what their 'GOD' wants them to do, that they must fight for their religion. And it's that kind of faith which is used by the egoistic people to have an army to beat the other religion. Like in Islam, there's an assumption (or maybe just a miss-intrepretation) that Christians are Kafir and should be hated. In Christian, they don't like it that moslems can marry with more than one wife.
Well, both of the religions are good, both are true, but they're a contrast of each other. They can't accept the differences because they both claim the position of the best religion, and how can the best religions have totally different teaching? One of them should be wrong!
Well, I'll tell ya. Both of them are load of craps. I meant no offense, but that's what I think. In the beginning, maybe, both of them are right and pure and all. But now the teachings of both religions have changed through the ages and have been intrepreted times and times again, and through the changes the original messages of God have been blurred. I see no God in hurting other people for no apparent reason. I see no God in hating another religion, I see no God in hating differences. I see no God in both of the religions when they claim to be the best religion in the world.
I see God when someone help another human being. I see God simply when someone offers me a ride home. I see God when the owner of the canteen allowed me to pay Rp 50,- less for the meal I bought. I see God when my mom cooked meal for me. I see God when my friends smile at me. I don't need religion at all to see God. I see God in people.
But because of religions sometimes I see Evil instead of God. The good and the bad are very very hard to recognize, they differ only a tiny bit! You help others to cheat. Good or bad? You stole to feed your children. Good or bad? You lie to save people's lives. Good or bad? You're married to more than one spouse. Good or bad? People with no religions. Good or bad? Gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, trans-gendered, queers, good or bad? Abortion, good or bad? Many things are blurred now. Many things have changed since 2000 BC. Not all of the teachings are true to the situation now. And by the way, about the wrongs in the teachings are mostly because of wrong intrepretations. And the other main cause is because of the 'rules' and 'law' and 'tradition' in the religion. It's not the words of God, but somehow people believe it as the words of God.
Both of the religions now have lost the single most important teachings of God: love. Love God, love others, love the earth, and love yourself. It's the summary of any religion books and teachings. Why is it so hard to get???

I'm Discriminative

I'm Discriminative

I'm discriminative. I'm discriminative to those who are discriminating other people. I'm discriminative to those who are simply homophobic but never admit that they are homophobic, rather they blame gays as abnormal and unnatural. I'm discriminative to those who are simply fanatic but never admit it and just blame other people's religion or belief.
But as much as I discriminate them, I'm willing to hear reasons. NOT defends, but reasons. I know that just like me, everybody just want to be understood. I'll hear to their reasons for being discriminative or homophobic or fanatic, but I WON'T hear defends. Defends often end with blaming other people. What I want to hear is the history of their lives that cause them to think that the people they discriminate deserve it, that gays are bad, that other religions are just wrong. I want to know why they think that way. And I'm willing to give them explanation that they won't let the hatred remain within them. But some of them I know have belated minds. I don't want to stay around those people. My motto is to live and let live.
When someone hates me for being yellow-skinned or for being gay, or for being agnostic, I know that I am stronger than them and somehow I'm richer than them. Because I can accept them for who they are when they can't accept me for who I am. Because I will have more friends than them because I am willing to accept people no matter what. And I'm no coward because at least I can admit it to myself that I am yellow-skinned, gay, and agnostic, while they are the real coward because they are scared to admit it to themselves that they are prejudice, discriminative, homophobic, and fanatic.

Blind Faith

Blind Faith

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they poesses inside, give them a sense of pride. To make it easier, let the children's laughter reminds us how we used to be.
Damn. I couldn't be more upset with one of my friend. He's known for his sharp words, and I don't really care if it's right. But this time, it's too much, even for me! He's lucky he is my friend and I like him. But even though he's my friend, I can never be close to him. It's devastating to be with someone THAT religious! The hell I care. I mean, I can live and let live, that's me. But dammit, even I have my own limit! If ever I hear him talking sharply about gays, then it's the end of our friendship. I will not change my actions towards him, but he's not my friend anymore. Well, maybe still friends outside. But inside, no. Hm... it's the issue of kids' films and comics and games and animes, which, like what our teacher said, contain many many many fantastic and mystical and mythological things. Oh, and about aliens and ET and UFO. But damn! He said that all the producers' main point is to feed kids with evolution theory and all those lies, even though they fake it with telling the media that they want to teach the children about friendship, about loving the earth, about respecting parents, and all. It MAY be true, but who can PROVE it? As far as I'm concerned it could be called ACCUSATION, you know. Can't he think that maybe, all the producer's point is to please children, to teach them to dream, to let them enjoy a fantasy world while they're still able to do so????? I can point out that SANTA CLAUS is a poison for children too, if what he said is completely TRUE, because Santa has those goddamned reindeers that can fly, he has that fuckin flyin sleigh, and he comes down to houses from damned shitty chimneys and he lives in that hell of North Pole!!!!! Aren't that fantastic??? Aren't that mystical???? And Santa Claus is CHRISTIAN's doing, dammit!!!!!
Goddammit! He's blinder than a blind rat! Fuckin shit. What did he do growing up????? He can dream now, he has imagination now, and to whom he's thankful to? TO GOD! Who else? But he forgets THROUGH WHOM the blessings came from. I'll answer it: through the producers he condemned and been so prejudice about.
Shit, I'm very very angry just to imagine that IF he gets what he WANTS, MY children won't have the chance to dream, they won't have the chance to enjoy comics, they won't have the chance to enjoy fantasy world. And I will TEACH my children to love those things. When I have children of my own, I will let them enjoy what I lacked of: the chance to dream, the chance to enjoy fantasy. I'll let them dream as much as they want and they can explore their imagination as far as they can. Let my friend and his children live the life of a PERTAPA!!!!! Pooh!
Hahahaha. Well, if he gets his way there'll be no other religion but Christian in this world and there'll be no sinners, all people and all humankind are God's slaves. What a wonderful world, eh? I don't mind being God's slave coz He's my creator and all, but dammit, if He wants us all to be His slaves why didn't He just created us to be slaves, to be robotic? Geez!
Furthermore, whether you believe in evolution or not, this world won't change. Whether you believe that this earth revolutes around the sun or the sun revolutes around the earth, your days won't change. Why can't people understand that and just use science as an interest, just like I do? Why don't they just use their religion as a belief, as a faith, and don't use that as the center of everything and anything in their lives? I enjoy my life NOW, but if I'm blinded by faith, or blinded by science, I won't be able to enjoy my life anymore. Living my life with everyday thinking what God wants me to do today? Living my life with thinking every move I make, whether it's proper in front of God or not? Living my life by counting how many days more the earth would last? Living my life by debating and trying to prove that the evolution is true or not? Nah. I like knowing about scientic truth about things that seemed like magic for me before. I like learning about many new things, about how the earth is spinning and revoluting around the sun and that the moon revolutes around the earth. But then... I don't remember it in my very moments. I only remember about it when asked. But it certainly isn't the main point of my life. I'd rather thank God that I am in the here and now, enjoying the ability He's given to me. Feeling the ground I walk on, tasting the delicious food in my mouth, enjoying the breeze touching my skin and the sun warming my heart, watching the beautiful view of this world, hearing the sound of music... and someday... feeling content and safe and happy in the arms of someone I love and who loves me. Is there a better state than that? How can I care about how old this earth is? How can I care about whether we're created by evoluting from monkeys or we're created directly? The hell I care! I only thank whatever force or power over there who created me and the wonderful person I call my soulmate... and that we will find each other, and that we can be at the very here and now. Do I care if that force is called Jesus or Isa Almasih? Do I care if that force is called God or Gaia? Do I care if that force created this world in seconds or in million years? Do I care if there're people at other planets? Do I care if UFO is real or not? Do I care? NOPE.
And now, when I'm writing this thing... do you know what I'm thankful for? I'm thankful to those producers who made those films, those comics, those unreal games and animes. Because of them I can dream, I can fantasize and I can explore my imagination. Especially I thank the creators and the stars of Xena. Without her... maybe I would be one of those persons who don't know how to dream.

G-O-D

G-O-D

This is the fulfillment for my promise of writing about God. Before you read this, though, I have to warn you that this writing may cause some conflicts, though. I know that the topic is pretty sensitive because it’s about God, about faith, and about religion. Those are things that have no proof but can affect people so deeply that they are willing to sacrifice anything. If you are sensitive with this kind of topic, DON’T read this.
Okay, first thing first. I’ll give you some quotes from ‘Hesed’, by Mayt just to prepare you to what I’m about to write. If you have some time, you’d better read the fiction, though. It’s a very good fanfic.

“Her god – and given a choice her god was always a small ‘g’ – is the source of the mystery of existence. Her god is the creative spark of life and the cessation of that spark in death. Her god is humanity’s capacity for compassion and rage, for trust and fear, for love and hate. Her god flows from her and to her during a passionate yet tender sexual union with another, as well as she gently places her hand over that of a friend. Her god allows for tears of joy and sorrow, knowing that the line between pain and pleasure can be rather thin. Her god abounds in a shared silent gaze when there are no words to convey what is felt or understood – when silence is enough. For her, god is all and all is god. She found god in her friend, in the surrounding environs, in her own capacity to feel, to will, to breathe.”

“I look up at the cross and I see a man who died because he wanted to change the world. I believe he was frighten in the Garden of Gethsemane when he asked God to remove his cup from him but also said he would accept God’s decision. And I believe that on the cross when he cried out, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ his heart was broken. I believe a group of people tried to create a movement based on that broken man’s teachings and during the centuries it has been twisted and turned to the point that it’s sometimes hard to find the original message to love God with all your heart and your soul and to love your neighbors as yourself.”

“The people maybe poor and they maybe struggling to survive the streets, but that doesn’t mean they don’t know life. Actually, I believe they know more about life than the better-educated living in their middle-class neighborhoods. And isn’t that what theology is about – making meaning out of life, finding the divine in the God-forsaken corners of the world?”

Isn’t it so true? Sometimes when I see articles in the newspaper about some confrontations between people just because they have different religions, I think it’s better if there’s no religion in this world. We don’t have to have a religion to believe in God. Like Nicole, the woman who doesn’t believe in God, but she has a ‘God’, anyway. And her ‘God’ is a much better ‘God’, compared to the ‘God’ whose name is used as a reason for killing other people. Many people would say that they’re ready to die to defend their God from the others. Isn’t that funny when you hear it said in a war between two different religions? There’s only one God in this universe… so why defending Him from… Himself? God can be named anything… but He’s still one, isn’t He? I just don’t get the point when people fighting each other over ONE God.
I am not a religious person. I’m a Catholic, but I rarely go to church. My friends often chide me for not going to church and for not praying before eating. Heck, I don’t even go to church on Christmas and Easter! Kinda like a tradition in my family. My grandparents are Christian, but they don’t go to church often, too. My parents are Buddhist, but they also rarely go to vihara. Growing up in a multi-religion family, I came to realize about differences early in my life. Being different doesn’t matter. Having different religions doesn’t matter, because there’s only one God above all, no matter what His name is in your religion, and even doesn’t matter when in your religion there’re many gods, because there’s always one God above all. It even doesn’t matter when you believe no god, as long as you believe in ‘something’: Gaia, Mother of Earth, Spirit Guide, creator, karma, afterlife, or whatever.
For me privately, I want a life-partner who believes in something, too. It doesn’t have to be a religion. Just believe in something. I want someone who believes that we are here not just by some cosmic accident; that we won’t just vanish once we die. I believe that God is love and I don’t know if I can love someone who doesn’t believe in what I believe as the source of love. I can be with someone who is atheist as a friend, but not life-partner. Mm… maybe you’d say that I’m too demanding. But I don’t want to be with someone who is too fanatic to a particular religion. I’m scared of someone like that because they can do definitely anything for their God.
I think everyone has to find their own definition of God, to find their own core of belief. It’s easy to follow what your religion tell you, but in order to be close to our creator, you’ll have to find the answer yourself. Just a piece of advice… if you’re anything like me that you find it difficult to love God who’s invisible, it’s okay. Just by loving the people around you and living in harmony with the earth… somewhere in all that… you’ll find ‘God’.

Open Your Mind

Open Your Mind

Do you ever hear the word ‘discrimination’? Or ‘prejudice’? Well, I’m not good at words so I’ll borrow someone else’s words. You may not know these authors, but I’ve read their fictions and they’re really great. C.E. Gray said that being prejudice is when you don’t like somebody just because they’re not the same as you. Some people are prejudice against people who have different colored skin, or talk with an accent, or are gay. SX Meagher said that prejudice means taking something that bothers you on a visceral level, and then intellectualizing a way to rationalize discrimination.
Well, I’m not new to discrimination. Or prejudice. Not that I’ve ever been abused or hurt physically because of the discrimination, but still, it’s far from nice. I’ve heard many stories about people who are not as fortunate as me, and it just breaks my heart to imagine that there are people who are harmed just because they are different. For now I’m only going to talk about prejudice against gay, because I’m gay and I’m still teen, and I know how hard it is to be young and gay. But mostly, I want to share with you about gay life, so that maybe, in small ways, it can make it easier for you to accept gays. If accepting is too much, all I want is for you to try to be understanding.
The first time I realized that I am attracted to girls is when I was in senior high school. I was prejudice back then. I thought about gays as abnormal people, disgusting people, and even sinners. Of course I was thinking that way, because people around me always told me that gays are like that. I rejected myself. When I had my first crush on a girl, I assured myself that it was a love of friendship. But the feelings didn’t stop and I had no one I could talk to.
Fortunately it was at that time that I read fictions about relationship between women. I got them from the internet. They are great fictions, and that’s why I read them in the first place. The more I read those fictions, the more I realized how similar the lives of gays and straight people. And the most important thing I learned is that the love between members of the same sex is just as pure, as sacred, and as true as the love between men and women. After I knew those things, slowly I admitted to myself that I am gay.
Until now I have only come out to one person, my best friend. She accepts me for who I am and she doesn’t change a bit. Well, actually I even think that after my coming out to her, we’re closer now than ever. It feels so great to have someone who understands when it seems that the world is against me. I’m grateful everyday that she accepts me. If she didn’t, maybe I would have lost my nerve to even think about coming out to another person. I’m still in the closet now, but I’m planning on coming out to my family and friends someday, after I’m ready.
Being young and gay is not easy, I’ll tell you. It is very confusing and depressing. No wonder there’re many gay teens out there who commit suicide. I felt that way once. No, I didn’t want to kill myself, but I was very confused and very depressed. I felt that I was nothing and that I was a sinner. I felt so unworthy but I had no one I could talk to. I felt so alone because I knew no one gays. And people continued to condemn gays. Every time I heard them talking about gays badly, I just wanted to disappear, fearing that maybe they’d find out that I am gay. When teens that are discriminated because they have colored skin or accented talking, they can go home and seek salvation from their parents. But gay teens can’t do that if their parents are straight. Their parents can even be an additional threat. Many gay teens are disowned by their parents or are kicked out of their homes.
I was saved by those fictions. By reading them, slowly I learned to love myself more and even be proud. One line I love most from SX Meagher: ‘God loves you the way He made you’. I believe it wholeheartedly. My being gay or straight is NOT a choice for me. Just like straight women can’t answer exactly what makes them like men, I too can’t answer why I like women. I think that’s why being gay is called sexual orientation. Some of us maybe choose to be with women, but some of us can’t do anything about it. We only have two choices: being gay or living celibate. Oh, yeah, there is one last option. It is to refuse to accept who we are and being what the society wants us to be, even though that won’t make us happy.
At school, my religion teachers often discussed about gays. I can’t understand them. One moment they refused to believe the theory of evolution because they thought that comparing human with animal is too humiliating. The next moment I know, they compared gays with animals. They said that even animals are never gays. Well, it’s true, but who can explain God’s secret, why did He make us gays? All I know is that I was born this way. Who am I to refuse what God’s given to me? Sometimes the teachers also said that being gay is almost the hugest sin of all. I used to believe that way, but now I know better. How can we be sinners just because we love? And those teachers are just funny. They told us that Jesus loves all of us, without exception, that we must love others without exception, even when our friends or family commit crime, we should still love them and care for them. The next thing I know they told us that gays are condemned and they should repent. Repent? So that means that all gays should be nuns or pastors? Being celibate all our lives? Well, we even don’t get to be married by law. Yes, in America there has been a law to protect gay’s rights. But it’s just because the gay bashings there are too harsh already. That doesn’t mean that having people completely ignore us like in this country is better.
All people are just the same. We want to be loved, to be happy. But sometimes gays are fired from jobs, being victims of hate, or disowned by their families just because they love, just because they are flesh and blood, just like you. It is not fair at all. I’m thinking about gay teens in this country, who might be confused and depressed, but who have no guidance like I had. I’m thinking about gay teens that are disowned by their family and have nowhere to go. I’m thinking about those who commit suicide or turn to drugs or free sex. I’m thinking about gays who have to marry someone they don’t want to marry just to satisfy the society. I’m thinking about those who are not as lucky as I am and until now still believing that they are sinners, or that they’re unworthy. I’m thinking too about those who just like me, aren’t out of the closet yet, wondering everyday how many of friends and families we’ll still have after we come out to them someday. I can only hope that if they read this they’ll know that they’re not alone. And if you’re straight and you read this, I hope that you’ll be more understanding to those who are different from you, no matter about skin color or accent or sexual orientation. We are all people, and there’s one thing that’ll be just the same for any people. Love.

I'm Gonna Re-post My Elder Posts From My Other Blog

I'm Gonna Re-post My Elder Posts From My Other Blog

I just don't want my elder posts to be wasted. Afterall, those are my thoughts.

Songs I Wrote

I wrote these songs several days ago. One of them is actually made two years ago, but back then it was only the reff. And actually, the third song is also only the reff, too, for now. Heh.

Even In Death

It takes me years to find you, and even more years to know you
But I knew even from the start, you're the only one in my life
Coz every time I look at you, you bring a smile to my soul
I just can't believe that you are mine
The first, the last, to forever
For even in death I will never leave you
That is all I can promise to you
The world may change and fade away
But I'm here beside you
And even in death I will never leave you
For eternity I'll keep it inside
And when it's time to say goodbye
Please just remember in time
Whenever you're reminded of me
I'm right here in your heart

Now it's the time for you to leave, there's no way for me to keep you
But I know I will meet you again, someday, somewhere, somehow
Coz you bring along part of me, the other half of my soul
I remember the promise I said, the one I'll keep forever
That even in death I will never leave you
That is all I can promise to you
The world may change and fade away
But I'm here beside you
And even in death I will never leave you
For eternity I'll keep it inside
And when it's time to say goodbye
Please just remember in time
Whenever you're reminded of me
I'm right here in your heart



Cherish Everyday

There were times in life I fell out of love
I just live in the dark, don't know where I'm going
But the times have gone since the day you came
You taught me to believe
Life's a gift you won't receive twice
So I'll cherish everyday till the time my life is through
And with you, learn each day the power that love can bring
So now I will live my life to the fullest to the greatest
Cause with you I believe
I will find the strength to live each day


I Am What I Am

I am what I am, I do what I want to do
And if people can't see the real me
It's their loss and not mine
I am what I am, I don't care what people say
Cause I believe that God loves me
Just the way that He made me

I'm kinda proud, well, those aren't the best songs in the world, but well, they're good and they're mine. Heh heh.

First Post In My Universe

Welcome to Ryanverse. This is a little universe created by Ryan just because the real universe sucks. Enjoy.