The Long and Foggy Road

It's been a while since I wrote about anything at all - even in my own personal diary. Truth be told, I've had a big blow on my ego a while back, and I desperately wanted to write about that, but no words come out. It's not much a suprise that I couldn't write about that, because until now I haven't even got the answer. So instead of writing about the topic, I'll just write about the situation in general.

What will I be in five more years? Asked me that question seven years ago and I would answer you quickly, "I'd be graduating and looking for a job." But ever since then I had no idea of what I want to be or what is my purpose in life. Mind you, I have been thinking about this seriously since the beginning of high school, and yet I still can't find an answer to it. I'm the kind of person that given a clear vision of a path to a goal, would go towards it and kick out all the obstacles along the way. But right now there is a heavy fog ahead of me and I cannot see far ahead (the scene reminds me of a true life experience... a quite scary one too as I was alone, but okay, on with the story). There are some intersections on the path I took, and because I cannot see far I have no idea which path is the right one. I had taken a chance and tried a path, but it went downhill and seemingly headed nowhere so I turned back and chose another path. I'm walking on that path right now, it's smooth and safe and I learned a lot along the way but I met no one on the road, it's very lonely and empty. I dont' mean this romantically - although I want that too - but I need new friends, new people who could teach me new things to improve my skills and my own self, you know? Old friends are still my friends, of course, but they move on too and it's not often that our paths could go side by side. To think about it, this is the first time in my life that I have absolutely no idea how to meet new people. Even when I was alone in a new city of strangers I could get friends quickly. I have to admit I'm not a people's person, though. Just a small dose of interractions with different people would be perfect. This is actually what I miss most from my previous jobs. Haha.

There is also one huge flaw in the current path I take that could be a deal-breaker: I feel like I contribute nothing to the society. Of course not many jobs have a big score on that, but then again most people can make up for that in their personal life. I want just the opposite - and I've wanted that for a long time. In Elementary School, I remembered I wrote 'social worker' as my dream job (I had no idea what that means back then, but what I felt is the same: wanting to be useful to the society). Of course back then my intention is 100% true. Back then I had no idea that the 'society' I wanted to contribute to would be my biggest enemy and would reject me of all the minorities that I am, my gender, my race, my religion, and even my sexual orientation. Right now part of the reason why 'being useful to the society' is important, is because I want to prove to the society how wrong they are with their prejudices and to give an example to other minorities that being different doesn't matter. To some extent, in my previous workplaces I've accomplished that, and actually in my current job I also got lots of surprised comments too - on a completely different level, though.

People's opinion on my current job sometimes brought me down, too, because in their eyes what I do is nothing. True, it's not a 9 to 5 job, I don't get monthly salary, etc. But don't get me wrong, I'm quite proud of what I do right now. I did everything and every step of the process with almost no help - only an offer of the job and that's it. I had to study about the subject from zero by myself because I knew absolutely nothing about it before and my boss is... well, not a good teacher. The job itself is not really hard, of course, but most people around me underestimate the effort I put into it. Normally I couldn't care less about what people say... it's only different when it's said by the girl I was attracted to. What she said haunts me night and day. If a woman as awesome as she is could think so low about me, what is my chance to win other women's heart? Assuming I meet someone in a near future, that is.

So, there's my reflection of my situation now. I think right now what I need is a torch. It's funny because most people don't think I need a torch... they think I'm lost and that I need a guidance or a pointed arrow to get me back on the track. But nooooo... I'm already on a path and I still know how to go back to the intersections. There are still at least four more paths I hadn't tried back there, but before I go back I need to see first if the road ahead will be wider and better, cause otherwise this journey until now is for nothing, I had to start again like I did before, and trust me, it's not fun. Hm... any comments? Advices? Suggestions? Offerings? :p  

Rizzoli & Isles

Whoa, I like it. I like it a lot!!! Many people said the show was so much like Xena in its heave-subtext-ness, and I like the how the ladies look (sorry I'm that shallow sometimes :p)... so I gave it a try. And I'm hooked!

Hmmm... don't you think it's more fitting for a cover of a romantic movie DVD?

I'm not much for cop shows, but I've watched some series like VIP and Relic Hunter - and while I can't say I'm a fan of the genre, I enjoyed it while it lasted. This one is no different, but Rizzoli and Isles sure has some advantage the others don't: the lead ladies have a strong chemistry with each other and well... I think the writers teased us a lot and make it super gay - while being non-gay. Both the main and supporting characters are  likeable, and although they're fictional, almost all of the characters have their own twitter and they interact with fans and each other. A lot.

Jane Rizzoli (hmmm... what a sexy name) caught my eyes since the beginning. Has anybody else thought that Angie Harmon is the imaginary child between Sandra Bullock and Gro Hammerseng?

I have a crush on her instantly. She is the modern-day Xena, if you may. Strong, intelligent, brave, and very, very kind. Actually I think Ryan O'Flaherty (and Jamie Evans) would be a better comparison, but less people know them, rite? Anyway, she's a homicide detective of Boston police team, and she befriends Dr. Maura Isles, the medical examiner of the same division. I would love to know how they first met, because in the pilot episode they were already friends (Yea, rite. Even their FIRST scene together made me think they were gonna kiss), although later it seemed that Jane had never been to Maura's apartment before cause she didn't know about Maura's turtle... uh... tortoise. Oh, but then, they slept in the same bed (yes, in the FIRST episode). In the blatant 'opposite attracts' and 'butch-femme' theme, Jane and Maura hardly shared anything in common except for their attraction to men (for now...). Where Jane hardly cares of how she looks, Maura always looks like she's ready for a fashion show. Jane is careless at times, and Maura always thinks everything through before she does anything. It's no wonder they get into arguments a lot. But their arguments are cute because it's mostly because they care about each other, or it will end because they care about each other... much like lovers' quarrel than anything else.      

I like Dr. Isles (aka Queen of The Dead) better after getting to know the character, though. She's incredibly stubborn, politely bossy, and impossibly fashionable. I like Jane a lot, but without Maura she will be... eh... boring... too perfect. Maura is much smarter than Jane, theoretically. She's like a walking Google... or Wikipedia, actually, but she would be offended if I said that, cause she said there are many things written in Wikipedia that are not facts. Anyway, you can just say one word - any word, and she could give you a lecture for as long as Jane didn't stop her (which she did instantly, most of the time). She has the cutest trait I've ever found in a woman: she can't lie. Not only that she doesn't want to. She can't. That is a huge cute point in my taste. Heh heh.  

Although the show is named after the two lead ladies, the supporting characters also have their fair share of glory. The Rizzoli family warmed up the scene every now and then with their typical loving family (except for this Tommy guy who haven't showed up yet): a quiet father, an annoying (but loving) mother, and Frank, Jane's little brother who admired her and therefore also became a cop. I especially like the closeness between Jane and Frank, as I always wanted a little brother of my own. Maura also blends in nicely with the family, which I think is really cool. Then there are the homicide team, their family at work. There is Korsak, Jane's ex-partner who saved her life once and still cares for her like a brother. I recognized him as the guy with a gay dog from Legally Blonde 2. Pretty sure it's him, haven't checked the IMDB though. Then there is Frost, Jane's partner now, who has an extraordinary strength but always throws up at sight of blood. Frank also shows up every now and then, he's a cop too after all.  

It should be a crime that the first season only has 10 episodes in it. The second season is not much better: 13 episodes. Aaaand the second season is still about 8 months ahead. Can't wait to get more of both ladies, and I'm especially curious of what happens after the final scene. I'm also looking forward to what'll happen to their relationship after two, three years together. I hope their love can have as much depth as Xena & Gabrielle's later, but even if that doesn't happen, as long as they don't settle with a man I'll be happy with my imagination... and the fan fictions. Hmm-mm.

Ps. Not only there are thousands of fan fictions, the fan arts are outstanding too. These ones are from http://beejustme.tumblr.com/tagged/Rizzoli_and_Isles

Credit: beejustme.tumblr.com - I love you for making this!!!

...and especially this!!! :D

Glee: A Confession

Okay, I'm gonna make some confessions, and I'll put it in your hand to bash me or to applause me, either way I don't give a damn but please be polite. Heh heh. Here goes. 

1. I just bought the two newest episode of Glee on DVD. A rip-off, actually, considering they will make it more episodes on one DVD later, but whatever. I'm not a patient person :p

2. I'm not a Gleek. Seriously, I'm not. At least not now. I might answer "Yes, I Am" if you asked me last March, but not now. I like the show just fine, still following it, but I'm not much a fan of it. I'm one of the very few people (if there's even any) who believe that Glee would be better off being a movie than a series. It's good that it's a series, as I get to watch more of those actresses, but it's really not good for the plot. While it's fun, it lacks the depth and it slowly becomes my guilty pleasure. 

3. I like Lea Michelle, but the one that I love is Rachel Berry. She might be annoying as hell, but it makes her very cute in my eyes. Real reason, maybe, is because she's a lot like my first love - in looks, in attitude, and in that killer singing voice. Imagine Rachel singing FOR you and TO you. Yep, been there, wanna be there again. Heh heh. 

4. I despise Finn. See #3 for explanation.

5. I'm not a fan of Faberry. See #3 for explanation. (Lea and Dianna are other matters, though.)

6. I like Britanna a lot although I'm not a fan either. But they are both really hot, and them being together is even hotter (and cuter). How can a human being resist that kind of hotness is beyond me. 

7. I like Mr. Shue's rap. I don't know why, but I like it. I don't normally like rap music, but he pulled it off really fine.

8. I watched Glee for Jane Lynch. And not regretting it. And so happy for her to get the recognition she so deserved. 

9. I'm a long-time musical fan... and that is why, just like lesbians can't not watch The L Word (oh wait, I can... though not by choice), I too have to keep on watching Glee... one way or another.

Pheew, glad to have them off my chest... heh heh. Now I'm gonna go watch Rizzoli & Isles. If there's any show trying to de-throne Xena & Gabrielle as queens of subtexts, I should judge it for myself. Heh heh.      

Love, Love Like This

It's funny that I run back to Xena again for wisdom after all these years. She really is my source. I can honestly say that most good in me started with Xena. I'm really watching the show with new eyes now. When I was little I didn't know much about Western traditional stories on Christmas like 'Little One', 'Night Before Christmas', 'Christmas Carol', etc. When I watched 'A Solstice Night' again, I was amazed by the writers' brilliance in taking in all of those stories, twisting and turning them until they were combined perfectly with some added unexpected turns. When I watched Xena back then, I haven't read The Book of Tao. I didn't realize how powerful Lao Ma's teaching was. When I watched Xena back then, I didn't even suspect that Xena and Gabrielle were lovers. Now I saw the subtexts flying around wildly as if they were maintext. After all, I used to take their love as the best example of a love between friends. I didn't realize that even for a love between lovers, their love is just as extraordinary and special. Last night I re-watched 'Ides of March'. The scene when Xena and Gabrielle were about to be crucified never ceased to amaze me. Gabrielle turned and said, "I love you, Xena." Xena, despite her wrecked spine, being almost naked on a snowy mountain, and knowing that a nail was about to be hammered to her hands, smiled. She smiled a big, beautiful, happy smile, in that condition, just because of those little words. My God, I want a love just like that. I want a love that could make hell a happier place than heaven.  

It doesn't even matter if it's a love between friends or between lovers or between families or even a love for God. When you are blessed with someone to love and to be loved like that, it's miraculous enough. In Joan of Arc movie (the one starred Leelee Sobieski), when Joan was burned at stake, she also smiled after hearing something God said to her. Well, I remember one of our terrorists also smiled when he was sentenced to death, but in his case I can't help but wondering if the love of his life is really God. Maybe it's Satan who was wearing a mask of God. Maybe he simply loved anyone named 'God' without thinking about their personalities and traits. Maybe he was simply happy that the trials were over. Of course I have no way of knowing. One thing I know, though. I still envy his ability to smile at a time like that. 

I now adore Xena and Gabrielle's love more than ever simply because I know the whole story of them. With real couples in real life we never know what really happened. No one know if a real-life love story is worth admiring or not except the couple themselves. With Xena and Gabrielle, I know they betrayed each other, they hurt each other, and they even killed each other's child. But every time, they forgave each other and helped each other to heal over time. If that's not love, I don't know what love is. I love corny dialogs, I love romantic scenes, I'm all for the hugs and kisses and snuggles. But it's simple gestures like that smile, and what they do for the sake of each other in every scene, that make me adore their love. We have a concept for this kind of love, actually. It's called Anam Cara. Soulmates, if you may. The concept has been redefined times and again, but maybe this is my favorite definition of the concept: 

"This, I say, is what is broken by no chances, what no interval of time or space can sever or destroy, and what even death itself cannot part." John Cassian

For most, it's a concept for a man and a woman. For me, I couldn't care less. I've had my times of troubles with God due to my orientation, but I refuse to feel guilty for loving. If it's wrong then I'd rather be not right. But let me share some Bible quotations that helped me through those times, just in case others need them now.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Gal.5:22-23)

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1Pet.:8)

Like Ellen once said, it should be celebrated that we found love at all. How hard it is, I should know, I haven't found mine yet. But I know I will never give up on love, because every time I'm stuck or a relationship doesn't go right, there'll always be Xena to remind me of this love. I know how geeky that sounds, but it's the truth. I just want a love like this.

A king would trade his finest crown for love. Love like this.   

And warriors have laid weapons down for love. Love like this.

Hearts will break a thousand times for love. Love like this.

And arms will wait a thousand nights for love. Love like this.

  

Holly Happy Days

Wow! This Christmas I will be singing gay carols again! Melissa's album came out two years ago and although I love her so very much, listening to the same Christmas album more than three times a day during quite a few months granted you boredom. Luckily, this year another one of my favorite artists are launching their own Christmas album. Yeah, the Indigo Girls, that's who!

I swear to you I don't enter the gay world just because of its musicians, but I really find my inspiration here. Of course other strong musicians like Pink, Joni Mitchell, and Beth Hart got to me, too, but the ones that own my soul are Melissa and Indigo Girls. It's rather cliche, but it's true. I like kd, too, but not this much. To use my full-frontal nerdity, I'd say that in my music world, Melissa is Beethoven and Indigo Girls are Mozart. No, I'm not crazy. I play classical music too so I'm familiar with all four artists' works, and they affect me in a similar way. I love Beethoven's music. It's free, it's crazy, it's unforgiving and unapologetic. It sounds great no matter how you play it. When I play Beethoven I don't care much about the notes. I dive into the music and just create the sound I like, according to my own emotion at that moment. I can't play 'Fur Elise' or 'Moonlight Sonata' the same way twice, not when I don't feel the same emotion. Melissa's music is like that. Of course it doesn't sound different on the speaker, but I catch different words, I feel different emotions and I can think of different things when I listen to the same song. Much like that, I can play one Melissa song in many different ways according to the moment. Sometimes hard, sometimes lazily, sometimes seductively, sometimes emotionally. They're both so raw and emotional it's hard not to really feel the music.

Mozart, on the other hand, is the music I listen or play when I'm happy or careless or at ease. Sometimes when I think hard, too. The music is smart to say simply. The notes are so brilliantly put together I sometimes can't figure out the sound before really getting the hang out of it. It's unpredictable and fun. It's light and flowing. Calming and pleasing like a cup of tea. It's contentment. Indigo Girls' music, or at least the ones by Emily and the ones that I know of, are a lot like that. The guitar riffs are much more complicated than those of Melissa's but it's acoustic, so it sounds brilliant and rich. The music are mostly light and carefree, even the lyrics reflects that. On a happy, careless day I can just sing them along not caring what they say, but on a calm, serene day I listen to each word and ponders about their meaning. I can't do that with Melissa's music, because when I don't hang unto the lyrics and the music at once, the song lost its meaning to me. I can't half-enjoy Melissa's song. Either I get so into it or I don't at all. The same way with Beethoven. When I can't connect to the music, I'd rather not listening to it.

Surely I can tell which one I love most of them, but every now and then I just like to be easy on my feelings, especially on days like these. On days like these I feel content and at ease, I don't want to burden me down with heavy feelings and emotions. Therefore it's the perfect year for me to listen to the Indigo Girl's new Christmas album, "Holly Happy Days". See what I mean? Compare that name to "A New Thought For Christmas". Both are the 'holiday for everybody, whether it's Christmas, Hanukkah, or the winter solstice' type. Great, Melissa's additional lyrics for O Holy Night is one of my favorite ever. Hm? Chely Wright is writing? Great! I like her and I've heard one or two of her songs and while I cannot really relate to them, I like them alright. The classics, of course, but what I'm most exciting about is their original songs! Yup, I'm gonna have a very gay yuletide this year alright. Hohoho.  

Just A Little Quiz

What a boring day today. There aren't a lot to do just yet and I'm downloading a very big file that gets cut off every now and then, resulting in me having to download the same file three times today. I went blogwalking while waiting, meeting some interesting people, some rude ones, and this site: www.semeuke.com. Gotta admit I like taking quizzes, depending on the topic. Never believe the result 100%, but still, it's a fun way to introspect myself. The result for this one is a little bit surprising for me, but when I read the description it fits just right.

Clueless Uke

Easygoing and energetic, those with the Clueless Uke personality just want to have fun. And although they often tend to have a spaced out or 'clueless' look about them, it's probably because they are lost in their own thoughts, imagining their next big project - for this personality isn't happy unless they are planning or working creatively, whether their passion is music, video games, or making things with their own hands. They also love to be entertained, which may be why they so easily attract the Opportunist Seme - who keeps them interested, with their slightly devious ways, without being demanding, or overwhelming the Clueless Uke's need to still feel free to do as they please. And although this personality can tend to be a bit clueless when it comes to interpersonal relationships, they make fun and caring partners when they find that special seme to amuse and look after them.

The Clueless Uke personality best (but not always) corresponds with these associations:

Japanese Element: Wind

Chinese Zodiac: Horse

Color: Cloud Blue

Fruit: Starfruit

Dessert: Tiramisu

Theme Song: BondS ~kizuna~ by An Cafe 

Haha, that's so totally me. My mind works in a bizarre way. I can think of one thing, for example, school. Then I went to think about my years in college. In college I met my second crush. I remembered meeting her in a warnet. In that warnet I chatted a lot with a chatting friend. That chatting friend introduced me to Melissa. Melissa introduced me to guitar. The song I wanted to learn to play on guitar was 'Angels Would Fall'. To play that song properly I need a capo. That went on and on and on to no end, although if the moment is right I might stop the thought there and went out to buy a capo. Which I did. But because of that I often spaced out, especially when I'm relaxing. Even my blog posts reflect how hard it is for me to stay on one subject. By nature I'm clueless of other's hidden intention, but thanks to some years of political training, I'm a little bit smarter now. I don't know if the association is correct or not, but I can say that I love riding a horse while feeling the wind on my face and looking at the cloudy blue sky. Hah hah hah. I don't like starfruit, but Tiramisu is verrrrry fine once in a while. Eh, I have no idea about the song.

This is the relationship table for Clueless Uke :

Sadistic Seme - Very incompatible. The Clueless Uke wouldn't even know what hit them when they encounter the Sadistic Seme, and fortunately for them, the Sadistic Seme would quickly grow bored, preferring a more dramatic, willing victim.

Chibi Seme - While this uke and seme would make decent friends, the lack of any physical or emotional chemistry between them would make them incompatible in a romantic relationship.

Romantic Seme - With the Romantic Seme's loving, understanding ways, these two would make a good match - the Romantic Seme looking after the Clueless Uke and the Clueless Uke appreciating the Romantic Seme's companionship and attentiveness.

Opportunist Seme - A perfect match - both of these uke and seme just want to have a good time and don't crave a lot of drama. While the Opportunist Seme may be a bit sneaky sometimes, the Clueless Uke doesn't mind much, and they both provide each other with amusement and companionship.

Don't Fuck With Me Seme - Not a chance in hell. In other words, incompatible.

I can't help but laugh at the description with Sadistic Seme. At my last workplace I met a person who is exactly that type, and although I know what he meant, I pretended to be clueless. That worked exactly like in the description. He got bored and left me alone. Hehe. The Chibi Seme is true, too. Some of my friends are this type, at least I think so, and while I think they're pretty I really have no more than platonic love for them. I can see why the compatible ones would be Romantic/Opportunist Seme, as long as the romantic one is not bound to the dramatic and the opportunist one is not... well, a user. The DFWMS is also true, I don't like rude people at all, even the ones loaded with flirting.

Badass Uke - A casual friendship could exist between these two - the Clueless Uke just needing to find a fantasy gaming world elaborately real enough to pull their Badass Uke friend in. Both personalities do enjoy gaming, music, art, and food, and could get along quite well ~ the Badass Uke keeping their friend entertained with their sometimes eccentric behavior, and the Clueless Uke providing entertainment with their wealth of knowledge about music, games, and internet.

Innocent Uke - These two could make good friends (and even possibly more). The Clueless Uke and Innocent Uke would share many of the same interests.

Flaming Uke - A friendship between these two would be very possible. The Flaming Uke's desire to talk and entertain would keep the Clueless Uke amused, even if they only half listen to everything their friend is going on about... And as long as the Flaming Uke kept their bossy side reigned in, these two could make a fun and entertaining team.

Dramatic Uke - No real chance of friendship here. The Clueless Uke wants to have fun, and the Dramatic Uke would just wear them down mentally. Neither would have much understanding of each other, or want to hang out together, and would most likely avoid each other.

Clueless Uke - Clueless Uke very easily get along with their own type, in friendship, and possibly more ~ neither really caring that much who fills what relationship role, as long as they are having a good time.

Haha, how do they know I love games, music, art, food, dan internet? And how do they know I'm loaded with knowledge on those subjects? The Badass Uke seems interesting, perhaps my best frind is one, hm.. I need to ask her to take the test. Hehe. I'm not sure about Innocent Uke but perhaps my second coming out friend is one. I can imagine dating her, and we even look great together on photos, but I'm simply not in love with her. Good thing, though, she's straight. I've befriended a Flaming Uke. He's very flamboyant but everybody loves him. He admires my knowledge and skills, and I admire his ability to win any people's heart, not to mention his own heart of gold. The one problem is, I can't find the right image of a female flaming uke yet... haha. On the second thought, perhaps my first love was. I don't like drama, 'nuff said. Many people accused me of being cold-hearted and ignorant, but I really don't want people's negativity around me all the time. It really tires me out. Now this may sound a little narcissistic, but no worry, I'm not interested in anyone who's too alike with myself. Well, maybe just for friends. But it will be great if my partner doesn't care about labels or roles. Sometimes she wears pants and sometimes she wears dress, be my guest. Sometimes I cook and clean, sometimes she does. Sometimes I protect her and sometimes she protects me. 

Ah well, it doesn't really matter either way. As long as she loves me and I love her, ain't that enough? I'm not consciously choosy, but I don't fall in love often, so I guess I can trust my heart in judging the best lady for me.

Education Matters

Quite a long time ago, when I first came out to myself, I tried to browse about Indonesian gay and lesbian forum. Please notice that we're talking about a time seven years back from now. I was highly disappointed. There weren't any with a positive note. In fact, there was this straight guy who said that he was curious to know more about the LGBT community in Indonesia, since he knew that we existed but the media only told him about the negative sides of the community. He asked nicely if anybody could tell him the positive sides of us. Nobody bothered to answer, and even a guy, I assumed a gay guy, even told him to 'leave us alone'. The ladies weren't so positive either. Most believed that being gay is a sin, and some even went to the length of swearing to live a celibate life despite having a female partner. I left the forums immediately and never come back.

Listening to such rantings about being sinful, being fearful of the people, etc, might be frustrating to those of us who have come to accept who we are and gain enough confidence to live our lives proudly. We know that being gay is only a part of us and not to mess up with our qualities and even use that as a motivator to strive to be better than heterosexuals. Those of us most probably had a good education, maybe even graduating from abroad, having a good position in some well-respected company, maybe already successful and even rich. But don't forget, the LGBT community is a far wider community than that. Not all of us are butch, not all of us are rich, and certainly not all of us had the chance to be educated so liberally.

It was easy to forget how we've come this far, wasn't it? Now that everybody around us looked up to us in awe, adored us while knowing that we're gay, we thought that every LGBT people should strive to be like us. We look down on those who still believed they're sinners. We looked down to those with great fear of being caught holding a lesbian book. We looked down to those who would not come out although they were apparently gay.

If we really want to build a strong and solid community, we have to include everyone. It's hard enough being judged as minority by other people, why would we judge our own brothers and sisters? No one asked you to be best friends, but please stop looking down and judging each other. It started to look like a caste system within the community, and I don't like it one bit.

There are two kinds of brave people: those who were gifted to be fearless from birth, and those who learn to be fearless. Nobody can say I'm a coward, except when it comes to approaching girls I like.. but that's another matter altogether... hehe. But I was one of those who had to learn how to be brave. I was a very fearful child. Until now, fear is in my nature. But I have learned to beat it, never let it get the best of me. Yes, I was trembling when I stood on the edge of that 11th floor building, but I rappled down anyway. Yes I was scared of roller coaster but I got on anyway. Heck, at my first coming out I was white as snow and feverish, but I blurted out the words anyway. Being scared is natural, being a coward is a choice. It took education and learning process to know the difference. But what I hate is when those who are gifted with a brave soul looked down on those who needed to learn, instead of helping them to get over it.

I tried to tell people that being gay is not a sin, that we shouldn't condemn ourselves but take our difference as a gift. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I don't plan to stop. I won't teach anybody to bail out of their religion, but sometimes we should UNDERSTAND our belief instead of taking everything words per words. The choice is still theirs and I respect it. That's the point, isn't it? When there is someone who would step forward and be a leader, we applaud and support them. When there isn't anyone, we wait and making progress. It doesn't do to force someone who isn't willing to come out to do so, and then when they lost their friends or families as a result, we would just say, "Well, that's the risk." Coming out is not a prove of how brave you are, blindly coming out just because your friends dare you to do it is plain stupid. It is a declaration done for and ONLY for yourself, when you feel the need to do it and is prepared to accept the risk. Doing it for any other reason is careless and dangerous (imagine if you suddenly come out to your grandmother who has high temper, high blood pressure, and heart disease!). Of course the more people come out publicly the better it is for our visibility (well, except for Ryan, that is), but since I'm not going to be the first to step up, I will never point a finger to another.

Well, my point is, if we want to come together as a society we should reach out more. To those who are less fortunate than us in term of self-esteem or education, and to those who are ignorant of the community. It's not easy, and it's not quick, but at least my homophobic friends know not to use certain words when I'm around, and they have a better understanding about LGBT community and are not afraid to be friends with me. They still think it's a sin, though, but it's still much better. So many little things we can do to make this world a little bit better, without having to go on the cover of a magazine a la Ellen (although that's a very good thing to, hehe). Advice for things we can do is always welcome. :D

Racist Bastard

I remember the term my good friend Zhou Yu used to call himself when he went all Asian-loving. Seems like I'm back in my racist-bastard phase then. Well that was a joke, of course, I think I've found women in any race that I think is hot. White? Well take a look at my Afterellen vote. Black? Rose Rollins, Jennifer Beals, hmmm... Indian? Lisa Ray, Kajol, that girl who played opposite Keira Knightley in Bend It Like Beckham... lots of them, actually, but I rarely watch Indian movies so I can't remember more. Aaaaaanyway. Let's see my taste in Asian women for now. For some reason I can only think of Chinese/Taiwanese/Hong Kong actresses... oh, and then some... but let's see.

1. Michelle Yeoh

My ultimate Asian-crush go first. I've been having a crush on her since senior high school, and I recently rekindled that crush, stronger than ever. How could I not? She's smart, tough, strong, kind, down-to-earth, beautiful, sexy, and fun loving. Hollywood thinks they know her works, but I've seen her in a far more difficult stunts back in her Hong Kong movies time. That motorcycle jump into a running train in Police Story 3 is simply unforgettable for me.

Most cherished work for me: Royal Warriors, Police Story 3, Wing Chun, Taichi Master

 

Gay points: In an interview with Rosie years ago, she mentioned that when she was approached for a role in a Bond movie she originally was excited because she thought she got to play James Bond. Hm, that would be a very interesting movie. Heh heh.

2. Cecilia Yip

 My oldest Asian-crush. I don't know what it is about her that attracts me so much. I've only seen three of her works, two of them as a man, but I've seen plenty pictures of the roles she played. They all varied so much I wonder how she did it. She's such a wonderful actress, there's no doubt about it. I love her voice, too (have watched interviews and her singing with Angie Chiu). And since she's often played a role no one else wants to take, I think she's pretty smart and humble.

Most cherished work for me: White Snake Legend, of course. And Xiao Kan Liang Yue. Both with Angie Chiu.

Gay points: She played a lesbian twice. She played a man four times. That's gay enough, also I found some interview where she stated that although in the beginning it was a little bit awkward for her to act being in love with a woman, she would then just think of how beautiful her co-star is, and how she could just fall in love with her. Of course, having Angie Chiu as a co-star made it so much easier....

3. Shu Qi

Asking men if she is a hottie would be like asking them if they think Angelina Jolie's hot. I couldn't argue with them on both cases, of course, but there's something more to her than just meet the eye. Her acting skill is too much underrated, I think, because of how she started up her career. I first saw her in Stephen Chow's The Lucky Guys, and although not really my type, she's mighty charming in that one. But the one that finally pushed her up my hot list was 'So Close'. With that movie she's so close to beating Michelle Yeoh off, but cause she had a boyfriend in that movie, I pulled her back down the list. Heh heh.

Most cherished works for me: So Close, The Lucky Guys

Gay points: Watch 'So Close' once, and tell me if you can ever forget that bathtub scene. (Of course, for a lesbian with a younger sister like me, it feels in between yummy and disgusting - oh well, they're not sisters in real life, so whatever.)

4. Siti Nurhaliza

Gotta admit that I'm most embarrassed to admit this one. But it's true, at one point in my life I've had a crush on her. I still remember the very first time I watched her on TV. I didn't know about her, but her pretty figure caught my eyes, so I watched, and then she sang! Mind you, it wasn't on a stage, but in a karaoke setting at her own home, I suppose. I was hooked. Yes, I'm that shallow. Heh heh. I still have a soft spot for her, because her voice is really that good, and she seems to be a genuine person.

Most cherished works for me: Prasasti Seni. Some of the songs in that album really translated to my real-life crush at that time.

Gay points: NONE that I know of. Except if you count some subtle lyrics in her songs, but I don't count them because those songs were written by men anyway.

5. Tamlyn Tomita

It's such a shame that I only know her from one movie, but her impression is so strong that I remember her to this day. I have watched all three Karate Kid movies (four if you count Jackie Chan's new one), and only on the second Karate Kid did I feel like stealing away the girl. She's simply much too good for Daniel (what is it about him changing girlfriend in every movie a la James Bond anyway?). I love the tea ceremony scene and the final fight scene. She's the only one of Daniel's girlfriends who tried to fight along with him, not only standing behind waiting to be rescued. She had no fighting skill, of course, but that didn't stop her for helping Daniel at the critical moment. Sure, I might be biased and Kumiko is the girlfriend of my dream instead of Tamlyn, but if she can act that well on her first movie, then she's an admirable natural talent.

Most cherished work for me: The Karate Kid Part II

Gay points: None that I know of.

Honorable mentions: Angie Chiu, Idy Chan, Sandra Ng, Joan Chen, Lucy Liu
There are two more Asian ladies I want to add, as they were the girls I was in love before, but of course I'm not that crazy. Heh heh.

The Roots of My Evil

Well, the title is just a sarcastic joke. I don't mean to write about people who inspired me to be more evil. I mean to write about people who inspired me how to be healthy, happy, and gay. Gay people who inspired me to be gay, to be exact. I got this idea from Fried Durian's "5 gay characters that had big influence on my queer-ness" post. I think it's about time I paid them their tribute, for guiding me through the most confusing part of my teenage days.

1. Xena
TV Series: Xena: The Warrior Princess

 Here's where everything good about me begins. When I first saw Xena's trailer on TV, I never once gave it a second thought. The trailer was 'dark' and full of violence, and I automatically decided it was not for me. If I have to fully confess my sin, Xena's trademark of short skirt made me think she was just a girly warrior who won wars by seducing men - making her no better than a whore in my eyes. Ouch. Was I wrong. Yes, given the wrong producers and the wrong writers the series could have easily turned out that way. But one day I watched one of the episodes (because I had no choice), and I fell in love right away. A love that still burns warmly until now.

The first episode I watched was 'Miss Amphipolis'. I was amazed at how Xena transformed from a tough warrior into a beautiful princess. I was amazed at how she helped each of the contestant to find their way of life so subtly. I was amazed at how the show made me laugh and cry and even frightened all in one episode. Little did i know that the best was yet to come.

Xena is my beginning in every sense of the word. I was only 11 year-old when I first knew her, so she basically mentored me through my growing up phase. I took lessons of life in almost every episode, either from her or from Gabrielle. And I took a lesson of love. It's no secret to anybody that Xena and Gabrielle's friendship is one of a kind. I envied them a lot back then, and wished I could find a 'friend' just like that. Then I was introduced to internet, and there I found a whole other layers to the Xena episodes I'd been following. All the lovey-dovey subtexts were clearer when you look at them as pictures and words, not as a fast-moving video. Strangely enough, I was so excited by the more intimate relationship between Xena and Gabrielle, but I was disgusted every time someone started mentioned the word 'lesbian'. It was when I discovered fan fiction and found Ryan that all these changed.

2. Ryan O'Flaherty
Fan-Fiction: I Found My Heart in San Fransisco
Author: SX Meagher

No picture, of course, as she is an uber fanfic character, but you're welcome to imagine Lucy Lawless in her role. Before I read IFMHSF, there were two other fan fictions that helped me open my mind about lesbianism: Blue Fire by CE Gray and Hesed by Mayt. When I read Blue Fire I was still in denial. I loved the fact that Blue Fire and Alice loved each other, but I kept deny the fact that they were in love until the part where their society condemned them for being together. I was outraged! They did nothing wrong and they were such good people, how could those people wanted to kill them just because they loved each other? And to my chagrin, I was so happy when they were married in the end. Then I read Hesed. I learned about God a lot from that fiction. Before I only thought about Jesus, and what was written in the Bible as taught by the church and my school. When I read Hesed, I was amazed. 'The Da Vinci Code' and 'Angels and Demons' were nothing new for me cause I've read 'Hesed' a long time before that. It opened my mind about religion and its connectivity with homosexuality. From there I realized, believing in a religion is one thing, believing in God is quite another.

Although my problem with homosexuality and my conflict with religion had been solved, there was one more trouble I needed to solve before I could even admit to myself that I'm gay. It was about how gay people live nowadays. I was in senior high school by then, and I was very close with this girl. I definitely felt something more than friendship for her, but I didn't want to admit to be a 'lesbian'. All my life the image presented to me about lesbians were that they were boyish, arrogant, violent, alcoholic, drug-abusers, crazy, psycho, and predators. In the fiction Ryan and Jamie were both in a lesbian study class, and Jamie was straight so Ryan had to explain to her almost every aspect of lesbian life for their classes. It was there I learned about being a lesbian. Figured there was nothing much different about it than being a heterosexual. Heh heh.

Ryan helped me settling in my new identity. Not only that, I learned a lot of being a human from her. She was a flawed, but otherwise almost angelic person. She was playful, smart, kind, fun, charming, considerate, oh well, if she was nearby, Edward AND Jacob would have no chance of winning Bella. Even when Bella is straight. Heh heh. No kidding. I wanted to be like Ryan in a lot of ways, but mostly in her compassion. In one arch of the story some guys hijacked her car and almost killed her, but then she risked her life trying to save them instead. Blue Fire did that too, and Xena did that too. I guess I'm just a sucker for women with a heart of gold. In case you were wondering, that's where my nickname came from, and I'm proud of it.

3. Ellen DeGeneres

Okay, she's literally the most famous lesbian in the world, so it seems a little bit cliché to add her here, but I must stay truthful in my tribute, mustn't I? Most people know her from her current talk show, except maybe American, but I'm one of the few people who start liking her from her sitcom days.

I first knew about Ellen when I had already admitted to myself that I was gay but was not comfortable with it just yet. I googled 'lesbian women' with a red face and trembling hand at a warnet, and I found out about her coming out. What intrigued me the most was the cover of 'Times' magazine on where she came out. I had some kind of deja-vu about that cover but I couldn't remember where or when. I was deeply inspired by her coming out story and what she went through before and after the 'Puppy Episode' came out. I ran into a transcript of that famous episode, and it was so brilliant I had to watch it. Luckily, youtube was available. I watched it and I loved it. From then on I watched nearly every episode of Ellen's sitcom, continued with her failed sitcom, her two stand-up comedy specials, Finding Nemo, and of course, her current talk show.

I like Ellen a lot, and she is the person I respect the most in gay society, hands down. She is classy, funny, smart, kind, generous, and she had been through enough to make her wise. My ultimate wish for the younger generation is that there will be someone like Ellen in Indonesia so that people can see that gay people are just people. Ellen was not the first one to come out, but hers made the biggest impact in America. She risked her career and she lost it, but not before she saved some lives and opened some minds. I'm among those who - given the chance to meet her - would thank her for showing me that I can be 'normal' and gay. When you look at Ellen, although she does meet the 'boyish' stereotype about lesbian, you don't see a stranger. You see a sweet, pretty girl next door. I'm also that kind of girl and when I admit of being a lesbian, my biggest worry was that I had to change in order to fit the community. Knowing Ellen made me realize that I am who I am first, and I just happen to be a lesbian, not the other way around. That made all the difference.

4. Melissa Etheridge

I told you I knew Ellen from her sitcom days, right? And her famous coming out. Who sang the sitcom's opening theme in that episode? Who was one of Ellen's closest friend those days? Who bugged Ellen about coming out along with other celesbian? Yup, Melissa it is. I was so curious about this Melissa person, whose face I couldn't even see from all of Ellen's reference. I knew she was a musician, so instead of googling her picture, I searched for her music. I was never a rock and roll fan before Melissa. Sure I loved Rent, but I thought it was because of the message behind the music. And sure enough, when I got 'Bring Me Some Water' and 'Breathe' I couldn't like them, I only took the pride that a lesbian singer sang them. It was a turn of fate that a chatting friend of mine was a fan and she sent me some of Melissa's other music. I wasn't really interested, but then I heard a sample of 'This Moment' somewhere, and I fell in love right away. It was incredible. I searched in vain to get the full version of that song, and along the way I found Melissa's other songs. I searched for the lyrics of each song and listened to them while reading the lyrics. I was instantly hooked.

When I like something I want to know as much as I can about it. After I fell in love with the music, I started to find out what Melissa looked like and who she is. No kidding, I searched for her in youtube, and the first video I watched was 'I Want To Be In Love', and I remember being frustrated because I can't see her face in that video! Heh heh. Google was no help. I can't remember why, but I remember how hard it was to get a clear shot of her face. But because of that I stopped searching for her pictures and searched for videos instead. I remember the nights I spent in warnet just downloading her videos (I could even find some of my blog posts from those nights here). It was a good thing, but you know what? Melissa's music maybe awesome, but her performance live is just beyond words. Until now her 'Live and Alone' DVD from 2001 is still my favorite (I have THREE of them!), along with her Dutch PinkPop performance of 'Like The Way I Do' in 1989, her duet with Dolly Parton, and of course her 2005 Grammy performance - yes, the bald one. I can't find words for the way I feel about her music. I always say it's like I've been dating with lots of girls and finally find the one I will marry. Yes, I like lots of music, from jazz to dangdut, from classical to rap, and I find out later it's not that I fell in love with rock and roll, I only fall in love with Melissa's music; her songwriting, her voice, her trademark guitar skill, and her passionate performance. Period. I know I'm not biased because when I persuaded a homophobic friend to watch a video, she said, "It's a waste she's gay, she's so hot!" and "Damn, she sings like she's having sex!" No kidding, that's exactly why I love her performance. When you're having sex you put all your mind and energy into it. When you're having sex with the person you love, you add your bare soul to the mix and it's all the more incredible. Whenever she performs, she also puts all her mind and energy into it, and on a good day, she bares her soul along with it. I love it especially with 'Like The Way I Do' - that song has the flirting phase, the seduction phase, the foreplay, the intercourse, and of course the climax, followed with one or two after-climax phases. Phew - no wonder that song can last about 19 minutes non stop.

Of course, along with the music, I fell in love with Melissa herself. I like Ellen and I respect her a lot, but it's Melissa that I love. She's fun, mostly soft-spoken, thoughtful, compassionate, and what I like most: painfully honest. I have to cringe sometimes. Ouch, how the heck can someone say something like that in public? But she is committed to telling the truth, and it often gives her many backlashes. She's someone who follows her heart more than her mind, and although she's not dumb she's not often being accused of being smart. Thankfully, her coming out in 1993 (four years before Ellen did) didn't hurt her career.

There were some smaller influences in accepting my gay life, Afterellen.com being one of them (I found it in 2004, I think, and had been following ever since), but not one come close to these four icons. Because I knew them I changed for the better and I can't thank them enough. I still have one problem, though. All of my influences, and even real-life lesbians I know are Westerners. I'm not complaining, of course, but because of that I still can't find my place in Indonesian lesbian community. My writing this blog in English doesn't help, but it's out of habit, not for showing off. In fact, I started writing blog in English because I want to exercise my English and end up not being able to write properly in Indonesian. Ironic, huh?

So, well, I think my lessons are to be continued. :)

No Oreo No More

A word of advice: NEVER ask me if any couple looks good together. I may still gush after one couple or another, mind you, I love the idea of two people looking good together and so in love, because right now my love life can only be compared to a desert. If I remember it right there are four couples I wrote (and gushed) about in this blog (found it. It's in January 2009 archive). Xena and Gabrielle, The Eternal Couple, Melissa and Tammy, The Ever-After Couple, Gro and Katja, The Golden Couple, and Ellen and Portia, The Classic Couple. As per now, half of those four couples have split up. And although they never broke up, in the end of the series, Xena died and Gabrielle had to live her life alone. God help me I want Ellen and Portia to stay together, for the sake of lesbian visibility and as not to make me feel guilty - coz right now I feel like I jinxed them somehow. Doesn't make sense, huh?

When Melissa and Tammy split up, I consoled myself with Gro and Katja. I like both of them, and I love the fact that they're a couple in personal and professional life. And they were so cute together! I know I'm not the only one surprised by their break up. Dang it. Well, I still have lots of favorite gay and straight couples, but I think it's better for me not to publish the list once again (heh), but it's definitely sad to see a seemingly perfect couple break up. Knowing that Gro is single doesn't even help in my case, she's still so far away. Anyway the brighter side of the news are that they're still good friends and teammates. At least the break up is relatively smooth.

I guess I should stick with my favorite fiction couples. Hermione and Luna might not end up together in the book, but at least they live happily ever after in MY book. So do Prof. McGonagall and Prof. Trelawney. And in my realm Bette never cheat on Tina. Hehe. Real lives are too unpredictable for favoriting, rite? Especially in celebrity world. In my circle of families and friends, fortunately, divorce is almost non-exist. That doesn't speak much, though, considering it's only because saving face comes first. Although, I'm starting to think that it might be a good idea, too, to stay together for a while even when it seems like it's best to break up, because who knows that it's only a bump on the road. Eh, I guess I'll only know when the time comes.

Anyway, life goes on. I can only thank Gro and Katja for being one of my favorite couples ever and wish them the best for their future. As for me, dang, where are all the lesbians when you need one?

Ps. Ah, forget to write about Prop 8. Like I said years ago, it only needs a little time to fail. Now if only I can get a Californian girlfriend...      

Okay, My Turn

I hate it when people I care about gets dissed without anyone even knowing the whole story. And Melissa has got dissed. A lot. With all the money she's losing from her 'devoted' fans, I think it's fair that Tammy gets nothing. Damn, it's such a lose-lose situation and I hate to write this post. But I have to. I haven't taken my stance just yet, but right now I'm leaning heavily on Melissa's side.

Let's break down the story:
1. They announced they were separating. At the same time.
2. Melissa was interviewed by Oprah and she didn't want to tell the story because Tammy wasn't there to tell her side, but she said the breakup was 'as mutual as those things can be' and Afterellen picked up that as 'probably not mutual at all'.
3. Tammy wrote on her blog that Melissa left her. It wasn't mutual at all. Melissa got dissed, of course. Some fans left.
4. Melissa filled for divorce. No spousal support for Tammy. Wants joint custody with the kids. More people dissed her. More fans left.
5. Tammy wrote on her blog that she was blindsided, that they promised not to fill for the divorce until after the tour. Telling her story that she had to stay home with the children while Melissa was having fun on tour. That she had to scrapped up 1 dollar for gas, borrowing money from friends and families. Now things got ugly. Hate comments everywhere. Not to mention from gay marriage supporters, who felt heavily betrayed.
6. Tammy filled back. She wants full custody AND spousal support.
7. Tammy's lawyer said she was not given a penny since the divorce. Melissa's lawyer said Tammy's delusional, and that Melissa's been paying all of Tammy's expenses, which totals tens of thousands of dollars per month. Article.
8. First court. Tammy's lawyer demand $25K immediately and another $25K for legal fees. Denied. The judges believed that Melissa was paying for everything already. Article. To be continued in September.

No shit, I hate how this goes. Hate is not even strong enough a word. I hate this more than even the gay marriage debate. First of all they were my favorite couple on planet earth. Second of all, it hurts enough that they parted, not to mention the four children. Third of all, it always hurts me when Melissa got backlashed without people even knowing the whole story. She got backlashed sharing her own life story, she got backlashed supporting Kucinich, she got backlashed making peace with Rick Warren, heck, she even got backlashed supporting breast cancer awareness. Fine, she was not completely speaking true on Oprah (though heck, if AE can pick up her real meaning, she's not really lying after all), but who the heck NEVER lie or at least cover the truth? She does preach speak true, but though I'm a firm believer in speak true, at times I lie, too. I tried my best not to lie, but hey, I'm only human.

I don't know why they broke up, I don't know why Melissa refused to pay Tammy MORE. While I don't know them personally, I'm a devoted fan of Melissa and I read Tammy's blog sometimes. When things got ugly, I only said that I couldn't care less if Melissa won't pay Tammy, they're adults. But if she refused to support her own children, I'd lose all respect for her. I'm so happy I was right. Melissa's still who I thought she was.

I wish Julie could speak up about this, but even Melissa stayed silent. Something doesn't sound right. Melissa was hurt by Julie, but she still offered her spousal and child support. IF Tammy didn't do anything wrong, why would Melissa not want to give her spousal support? I don't believe Melissa's a cheap person. I know Melissa gave out lots of money in support of things she care about, even when she knew she could gain absolutely nothing from that. And she has much, what's ten thousand a month for her? She's not stupid. She knew she's going to get backlashes if she refused to pay Tammy. Why did it anyway? She believed in gay marriage and that's why she paid Julie in full, why not now? They're all so way out of her character and therefore I believe there must be a reason behind what she did.

And gaaaaaaaaah... there are so many random people just making assumptions as facts. Melissa NEVER pushed Tammy to stay home, it's Tammy herself who offered herself. Tammy LOVED being home more than acting. I hate it when people said how miserable she was, giving up her career and all - if you wanna take her blog for facts, read it all. Oh, sorry, you can't. Some posts had been deleted for one reason or another. Gah. Many people mentioned Tammy nursing Melissa back to health. So? They were functioning back then. Melissa also took care of Tammy during her pregnancy. Tammy took care of home, Melissa took care of their income. No one owed someone anything when it's all give and take. One more thing: Melissa NEVER pushed Tammy to have children. In an interview she said that Tammy wanted children and she wanted to respect that. But that doesn't mean she doesn't love them. She mentioned them almost in every interview, and looking back at her track records with her two elder children - she and Julie even arranged a connecting houses after break up for their sakes! That's why I put my faith in how she treated her children. If she's as cruel as giving no financial support for her children, then she's not the Melissa I knew and maybe she was just a mean, unethical, unfair, lying, cheating, stealing, stinky, ugly, hurtful, selfish, self-centered, worthless, shallow, vain asshole (this is considered 'nice') like everybody said. She's not.


I never said anything hateful about Tammy so if in the end she's right, I owe her nothing. But if I'm right and Melissa's story is truer, than so many people owe her huge apology. Even now many people owe her apology for calling her names because they thought she didn't want to pay support for her children. But I think now they only move their hatred into her not paying Tammy 'makeup, shoes, dresses, eating out, laundry detergent' money (even this one I'm not sure is right, coz other source mentioned that Tammy got $2000 a month just for herself). Geez. The only thing I regret is not being able to go to her tour this year. With so many fans giving up their tickets I'm bound to be able to get good seats and less competition to get her pick. Heh.   

Simplicity of Mind

I've figured out lately that I love working from home more than anything else. I love being home, I love being able to work and eat or drink at the same time (although I rarely do this since it's messy), I love being able to work without supervision - all that matters is the result, and I love working without the constant competitiveness with co-workers. I worked with lots of people before, and I don't like it. I always prefer a small team in doing works cause it's easier to manage and it's more focused. I also can't stand a company hierarchy. It means that everybody's trying so hard to get to the top, fighting with each other and trying to make each other fall. If you succeed at something or if you stand out, be prepared to get all kinds of shits thrown your way. Well, at least that's the case with my previous  job. Well, the downside is of course that I don't have the stability my previous job offers. There will be about another month without paycheck, I think. Heh heh.

Anyway, having lots of time on my hand makes me think about all sorts of things, too. When I work 12 hours a day I was too tired to think of other things. Being tired and stressed out make me care only about myself and not about anyone else, much less about strangers I don't even know. Now I think about the strangest of things, and right now it's about living in the ancient time. No, not the ancient like ancient Rome or Greece or China, much more ancient than when Jesus was born. I think about the living of people when there was no money system, when there was not much technology, when there was no country or religion or even tribe.

For me now looking at them, their lives are so simple. They work day by day just to fill their needs, not for anything else. They live together in harmony and everyone can choose their roles. Some are farmers, some are hunters, some are healers, some are teachers, and most of the women do house chores together. There is no TV or computer or radio to distract them from the people around them. There is no plane or train so all they see is what's around them. There is no money so there's no rich-man and poor-man. Then I think, what problems did they have, then? Did crime and greed existed even then? What did they do for fun? How long can they stick that way before change happens? Are they happy with the way they lived? There are so many question and I of course don't have the answer.

I always love simplicity. Some may say I'm stupid or dull because of that, but that state of simplicity always makes me happy. I love plain vanilla ice cream. I rarely add any sauce or salt or pepper to my food. I don't like chili. I love hot tea without sugar (although it depends on what kind of tea it is). I even prefer Oreo without the filling. That translates to my preference of women: no piercing, no tattoo, no hair-dye, not much accessories is very good to me. And perhaps everyone would agree with me with no-clothes liking, but that's another matter altogether :))

Being born in this time and age exposes me to lots and lots of things. This is the age of information, and although I love the fact that I can get almost any information I need just by connecting to the internet, I also get lots of information I could do without. Criminal news are good for cautionary tale, but it makes me wary of strangers - even strangers in need. Every time I see a stranger in need I have an ugly internal battle. What if they only trap me into their scheme? But what if they really need help? I'm very ashamed that I have to think twice to help someone, but I also realize it's better to be cautious, many people are glad to use other people's kindness to trap them. You can even eat a delicious chicken somewhere and the next thing you know someone's telling you it's not chicken but rat. Nowadays I consciously filter myself more of those negative things, but I can only do so much when everybody around me are still watching, reading, or listening to such news.

I really think people can be happier living the old way, in a simpler way. When women don't have to struggle so hard to stay thin, when it doesn't matter how much or how little you have, when it doesn't matter what religion you have, or what race you are, or who you love. Ah well, maybe God had a point when He told humans not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge.

Like A Shooting Star

如果失去是苦，你还怕不怕付出
如果坠落是苦，你还要不要幸福
如果迷乱是苦，在开始还是结束
如果追求是苦，这是坚强还是执迷不悟


如果分离是苦，你要把苦向谁诉
如果承诺是苦，真情要不要流露
如果痴心是苦，难道爱本是错误
如果相爱是苦，这是上的真情它在何处


好多事情总是后来才看清楚
然而我已经找不到来时的路
好多事情当时一点也不觉得苦
就算是苦我想我也不会在乎


I was just reminded to this song I liked back when I was in high school. At that time I liked Michelle Yeoh and this is the soundtrack from one of her movies, sung by Michelle herself. Yesterday I found a fan-made music video dedicated to one of Angie Chiu and Cecilia Yip's (the White Snake Legend lead couple) series using this very song. 


I liked this song more than just the fact that Michelle sang it. The melody wasn't so interesting, and yet it's easily implanted to my memory. But as usual, the real draw was when I understood the lyrics. I can so relate to it, especially the chorus. At that time I was still very much heartbroken and well, this song is about how you still want to love even though loving is suffering. This is the translation from www.michelleyeoh.info (I edited some words):

If losing is painful are you scared of giving 

If falling is painful will you still wish for happiness 

If confusion is painful should you end it or start it over 

If pursuing is painful do you call it strong or stubborn 

If separation is painful to whom can you divulge your pain

If promise is painful should you express your real passion 

If obsession is painful isn't love a mistake after all 

If loving is painful where is the true feeling in this world 

There are many things that I can only understand afterwards
But I can no longer find the road where I came from
For many things I don't feel any pain at the time when it happened
Even if they were painful I think that I simply could not care

I think the part I can relate to at this moment is the chorus. There are many things I don't understand now, and maybe I can only understand it later. The things I understand now I can no longer change. No, I don't play with regret. If I made the 'right' choice (as my choice back then seemed 'wrong' for me now), I would have missed so many things along the way. No matter which choice I took, there would be goods and bads along the way. Knowing the bad, should I just run away from that choice? I think as long as I believe strongly in my choice, no matter how bad it turned out, I won't have any regret. Even if it's painful, I won't even be able to care.