Sunday, September 26, 2010

Love, Love Like This

It's funny that I run back to Xena again for wisdom after all these years. She really is my source. I can honestly say that most good in me started with Xena. I'm really watching the show with new eyes now. When I was little I didn't know much about Western traditional stories on Christmas like 'Little One', 'Night Before Christmas', 'Christmas Carol', etc. When I watched 'A Solstice Night' again, I was amazed by the writers' brilliance in taking in all of those stories, twisting and turning them until they were combined perfectly with some added unexpected turns. When I watched Xena back then, I haven't read The Book of Tao. I didn't realize how powerful Lao Ma's teaching was. When I watched Xena back then, I didn't even suspect that Xena and Gabrielle were lovers. Now I saw the subtexts flying around wildly as if they were maintext. After all, I used to take their love as the best example of a love between friends. I didn't realize that even for a love between lovers, their love is just as extraordinary and special. Last night I re-watched 'Ides of March'. The scene when Xena and Gabrielle were about to be crucified never ceased to amaze me. Gabrielle turned and said, "I love you, Xena." Xena, despite her wrecked spine, being almost naked on a snowy mountain, and knowing that a nail was about to be hammered to her hands, smiled. She smiled a big, beautiful, happy smile, in that condition, just because of those little words. My God, I want a love just like that. I want a love that could make hell a happier place than heaven.  

It doesn't even matter if it's a love between friends or between lovers or between families or even a love for God. When you are blessed with someone to love and to be loved like that, it's miraculous enough. In Joan of Arc movie (the one starred Leelee Sobieski), when Joan was burned at stake, she also smiled after hearing something God said to her. Well, I remember one of our terrorists also smiled when he was sentenced to death, but in his case I can't help but wondering if the love of his life is really God. Maybe it's Satan who was wearing a mask of God. Maybe he simply loved anyone named 'God' without thinking about their personalities and traits. Maybe he was simply happy that the trials were over. Of course I have no way of knowing. One thing I know, though. I still envy his ability to smile at a time like that. 

I now adore Xena and Gabrielle's love more than ever simply because I know the whole story of them. With real couples in real life we never know what really happened. No one know if a real-life love story is worth admiring or not except the couple themselves. With Xena and Gabrielle, I know they betrayed each other, they hurt each other, and they even killed each other's child. But every time, they forgave each other and helped each other to heal over time. If that's not love, I don't know what love is. I love corny dialogs, I love romantic scenes, I'm all for the hugs and kisses and snuggles. But it's simple gestures like that smile, and what they do for the sake of each other in every scene, that make me adore their love. We have a concept for this kind of love, actually. It's called Anam Cara. Soulmates, if you may. The concept has been redefined times and again, but maybe this is my favorite definition of the concept: 

"This, I say, is what is broken by no chances, what no interval of time or space can sever or destroy, and what even death itself cannot part." John Cassian

For most, it's a concept for a man and a woman. For me, I couldn't care less. I've had my times of troubles with God due to my orientation, but I refuse to feel guilty for loving. If it's wrong then I'd rather be not right. But let me share some Bible quotations that helped me through those times, just in case others need them now.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Gal.5:22-23)

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1Pet.:8)

Like Ellen once said, it should be celebrated that we found love at all. How hard it is, I should know, I haven't found mine yet. But I know I will never give up on love, because every time I'm stuck or a relationship doesn't go right, there'll always be Xena to remind me of this love. I know how geeky that sounds, but it's the truth. I just want a love like this.
A king would trade his finest crown for love. Love like this.   
And warriors have laid weapons down for love. Love like this.
Hearts will break a thousand times for love. Love like this.
And arms will wait a thousand nights for love. Love like this.

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