The Letting Go

Goodbye
Ahh... finally. The day I feared to come has come. I've been preparing. Still it brings back all the memories.
If I can keep the moment I took her hand in mine would it be enough for the rest of my life?
No, probably not, but she's the only one that makes me really feel when I was empty inside, you know. Her eyes meet mine and 'boom'! Nothing matters anymore but her smile.

I live my life for music and love
Now the inspiration is gone
A few words I have left
I gave to you as a goodbye

Broken Heart? Really?

I've got to say it's hardly a broken heart after well... three years and two months of one-sided crush. Gotta say I'm a little bit shaken, but all is done. Like this quote of my newest lyric:
'I live my life for music and love
Now my inspiration is gone
A few words I have left
I gave to you as a goodbye'
I wrote a song called 'Memory of The Heart' before, talking about saying goodbye to 22, and it helps. But what really makes me stand strong is my admiration and respect for Melissa. I've just listened to her newest song, 'I've Loved You Before'. Dammit! Here I think I'm better than her at least in one style of music, but nooooooo!!! She again beats me down. Lol. Can't believe it. I almost cried in an internet cafe full of people listening to that song. Damn, I wish I was her lover. Lol. No, I'm not serious coz yeah, I still in the recovering stage but yeah, I'm singing 'I Want To Be In Love'. I'm in that phase right now.
'Side by side in battle
Did we bravely leave our home
Did I hold you in my arms as you were taking your last breath
Did I shock (?) to all the gods I would love you beyond death
Or more... I swear I've loved you before'
Hh, whom do you think it sounds like??? Xena! Xena and Gabrielle, dammit. I've written my own version of Xena's 'Even in death I will never leave you' promise. And I thought only a xenite who has read thousands of Xena fanfics or someone who has found their soulmate can write something like that. Apparently I forgot that she is in the second case. Lol. Nah, I don't regret it. I love it, actually. This is the first time EVER that I got a broken heart and can't help but grin every five minutes. Lol. Mel is good for me, I'll tell ya. Well, sure, it's been three years and more, but I just can't stop grinning idiotly when I hear these words. It's scary sometimes how Mel's words seem like my thoughts come to life.
'When I think of how you know me
No doubts no thinking twice
When your smile can be so soothing
A familiar paradise
There's no one else that makes me hope
I am never needing more
I get this feeling
That I have loved you before'

CUT OFFF?!?!?!?!?

Warning. Politic here.

I'm really pissed off. Mad. Furious.
I've just found out that Melissa Etheridge's performance on Live Earth has been cut off!!!! No wonder I can't find her performance mentioned anywhere here!!!!

I don't see other's performances, but I have watched her performance on youtube (search: Melissa Etheridge Live Earth) and right from the start I knew she would me magnificent on that show. I was right, and I thought hopefully that finally she could reach out to Indonesia. But noooooooo!!! Everywhere I look, no sign of her name. Now I know what happened.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2007/7/15/223826/026

I'm indignant, you know. Here I thought America is a free country, when people's opinions matter. But now, she speaks out and they cut her off. She speaks the truth, again, that's why I admire her from the start, and I only admire her more now.

What makes her so great, in my opinion, is that she speaks from her heart. Always. In her music and life, she's so truthful about everything. I want to be like her too, though I don't like being political and I don't like being controversial. But I realized, nothing I can do can make me uncontroversial anyway. I'm Chinese-Indonesian. That's enough to make me a minority in Indonesia and I'm really not interested to be a China citizen so I don't belong in China either. Not to mention the political issue it causes. For people from other countries, Indonesia is a terorist area now and China, well, it's well-known for it's dictactorial system. I'm agnostic by choice and that's usually translated as atheist in many people's view. I'm gay and in case you don't know, that's controversial too. I just want to be someone simple and clear, but what can I say? I'm controversial from birth. Lol. But I'm thankful for being who I am, because only by being born and live as a controversial being can I learn not to discriminate any people at all.

Okay, back to the point. The point is, if America can't be free, little hope for countries like mine. This kind of cencorship must end. Especially when her performance is also inspiring for the environment. Oh, well, just see it for yourself whether it deserves to be cut off or not.

Ps. If you don't know Melissa, she's the Oscar winner (best original song) for An Inconvinient Truth. The song is called 'I Need To Wake Up' and it's such an inspiring song. I've loved her long before that though. Lol.

Continuation

I don't know if that's even a word. Never mind.

Well, here I am again and this time I don't wanna say anything political. Tired of that already. Actually I'm tired of a lot of things. Good thing that I'm gonna get my holiday soon. I really really need that. I'm someone who loves life very much but last month or so I almost wish for death. I'm happy God didn't listen to me. Lol. But even then I know deep, deep down that I really wanna live. I wrote this on my personal blog and I think, 'Oh wow, I seemed to have some sanity left.' Lol. "Death is not for running away from our problems. It's a gift given by God because we've lived our lives till the end without giving up." I truly believe me. Lol.

Life is really funny at times. When you need money, it seems like nobody's going to give you any. When you need none, it seems like everybody would give you money. Sigh. I'm looking for a job in my city, but everyone here seems to have a job offering for me. Isn't that weird? And annoying, coz some of the jobs I really want to take.

Right now I feel really happy and content. I have a new hobby (actually it's my passion... music has never been 'just a hobby' for me) to pursue. I have a whole new life in a new place (old, actually, since it's my hometown, but I've been gone for three years, for crying out loud!) to look forward to. Oh, and a pretty good record to help me find a job. Lol. But best of all, I like myself for this moment. It's a huge deal. When I'm at peace with myself, no one could degrade me. When I'm not, even if the world's at my feet I won't feel happy.

But now, listening to Candy-Candy song the warnet is playing (what the heck??? Candy-Candy?! Hh, but I love it anyway, lol), gezzz!!! Now it's playing KBH-RX. Bwahahaha! And now Saint Seiya. I'm not kidding. But I even own Saint Seiya DVD, so who I am to object? Lol. Besides, they're good music. Well, talking about music these days I'm 100% single-minded so don't even try to ask me to talk about music in general coz I won't. This is strange, coz usually I'm very open to any music at all, but right now? Lol, there's one and only one music drumming in my head every second of my waking AND sleeping moment. Well, of course different song each moment, but nonetheless, the songs were written and/or sung by one same person. LOL!!! I'm head over heels with that particular music. Sigh.

Hm, what else? Oh, my friend in Canada is expecting a baby soon. No, not hers. Her cousin's. But she will be there to help her cousin in the giving birth process, it's so exciting. And she will be a godmother. I'll suggest her to tell her nephew/niece to call her 'god' for short. Lol. It'll be fun! I hope her cousin will give birth soon that the child will share birth month with me. Heh heh.

It's been a long time since I focus on what happens in my life, not the past or the future. But that's the point, don't ya see? I focused too much on what would happen in the future, that when the future did happen I had already look forward to the next future and I didn't think that the future that was happening mattered anymore, you see??? Lol.

So, as I have already focused on this moment before, might as well now talking about the future. I've always worried about my future, but as I said before, right now I'm happy and content so I won't talk about the dark future. I will only say that no matter what my future will be, I hope I'll always be who I am today. Confident, content, and happy, money-loaded or not. I've always been, and still am, a child. Well, even the test I took some time ago told me I am a 7 year-old inside. Lol. I believe that test result. I do still have that child inside me, we all do. I guess I just let mine roam free. Heh.

Bored already? Me too. But the computer is downloading the files I want, and I want a lot of big files. Don't ask me what. Sigh. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I remember the time when I was downloading some other files at warnet. I chatted with my Canadian friend, doing the analysis for my observation assignment (which, by the way, I'm quite proud of), and tried really really hard to stay awake coz I was there from about nine pm until seven am the next day. Whew. But I went home feeling really happy - and sleepy, sure, but happy.

Ah, ain't happiness and love all we need in this life? People always fight for right and wrong. For me that doesn't matter. It's God's place to judge right and wrong. We humans can only do what we THINK is right in this world. I won't take anybody's standards of morals coz I have one of my own, and though I refer to it, I won't pursue my morals to anybody else. I can suggest, but I won't pursue. And I will say this here (coz there are some of my friends here who should know this): I hate it. I hate people preaching on me to pray and pray and pray. Geezzz, do I need to take a pose and pray that it's called a prayer??? I talk to God everytime, my relationship with God is fine, thank you very much. I just half-torn between telling them the truth or provocating them to make me 'repent' more. And usually, I... um... choose to provoke them more. Lol. There my inner child shows up again. Yea, like I say, when you're trying to understand right and wrong, there's when you can provoke wars. You see? You say, 'The bible is the rightest right.' and bummmm! The moslems will object to you coz they have their own belief. Why not say, "I believe this and I respect what you believe."??? Tolerate is not good enough a word, coz it means you don't respect it, just barely go along with it. That's why I rarely state something is right or wrong. But love and happiness, we all can relate to that, we all want that, as boring as it may seem.

Bwaaah!! I just realized that I went political again. Bah, just don't read the last paragraph. I don't have the heart to erase it. It took me five minutes to write them. Lol. Okay, I think I've said too much already. I'll just write the rest in my own private blog. See ya.

No Way

I simply REFUSE to feel guilty for loving.

I know I chose the wrong person to come out to, but what the heck. It's actually quite funny when you look at it the positive way: she actually tries harder to convert me to Christianity. As I said, my Christianity went as far as ID Card. I will love God if He's as loving as I imagine He is.

To be continued (diusir dari warnet).

The Future, Huh?

Perhaps writing completely about this idea of mine isn't the wisest thing to do. But my blog's visitor isn't that much, anyway. Lol. And I want to share my future dream. I'll use complicated terms, but all in all, I'm telling.
You've ever watched 'Ellen'? Yep, I decided that I will change my secret dream. The last time I wanted to be a crew on a cruise ship, and that hasn't changed, actually, except for the fact that I'd have to leave my family for that, and that's something I really need to think again, and again, and again. Opening a store like Ellen's (and by the way, the name of the shop is so brilliant I wanna use it, though I don't know if it's against the law or not). Doesn't matter, I will think about that later. For now I want to be happy that my future is rather clear for me. I will work or something to get the starting fund needed for my small-but-cozy store. I'll live there too, so I'll need to be prepared to buy all the furniture, etc. Maybe it can follow afterwards, but just in case. Well, I also want to improve my musical abilities so I'll need a piano in the least. Maybe I'll save to for a guitar lesson, or if it's possible... violin lesson too. Why I fell in love with guitar is rather obvious if you read my blog, but my dream instrument is violin. Has been since I was younger and never get to follow through. Well, who knows when finally I get the job of my dream I don't even have time for anything of that sort. I really envy those people who REALLY has talent in the subject they love most. I love music, I'd love to be able to write real good songs and live by it, no matter how hard it is. But I know that my talent in music is just so-so. Not very good, not very bad. I'm more than happy when people listen to my playing and they wanna learn playing the instrument, or those who don't play anymore decide to play again because they hear my playing... wow, that's the greatest compliment I've ever received! I'd love to be able to touch lives with my music, I'd love that the world would fall in love with my music, but sadly, I'm not good enough. Music can be my hobby, it can be something I can't live without, but unless something happens and I find out a new talent in me (lol) I will never be able to live by it.
Well, heh heh, the future. Hm. So unknown, so scary, but I'm also excited to know what's ahead.

Beware, We're Everywhere

Yep. People should be careful in making friends, in admiring people, in liking people, and of course, they should be really really careful in falling in love, coz we're everywhere.
I've anticipated it. I've prepared for the worst, and it's not as bad as I anticipated, but it's still... not good. Gay or not, everybody must have been in the position where they feel like they don't belong where they are, like they are in the outside, looking in, where they feel like no one understands. Gay or not, everybody must have struggled with they fear of trusting other people with their secrets. So why is it so hard for people to understand what we went through? Why can't people just accept us as we are without trying to dig in as to what made us who we are? Does our past matter more than our future, than our here and now?
We are everywhere, gay people are everywhere. If you hate gays, really beware, coz they may be your leader, they may be your beloved friends, they may be your idols or role models or simply someone you admire, they may even be your loved ones or your crush or your lover. We are everywhere and you just can't tell unless we tell. So, really, beware.

What Makes A Family, A Family?

Yep. What is it? Marriage? Blood? Love? Which one is the most important of all? I need not answer for you, you've got to answer that for yourself. I only want to show one of my newest wallpaper here. Actually it's not my best, but I love Melissa's family. So warm, full of love, and boring. Lol. Definitely my dream family! I wish you all the best, Hollywood Farm Girl and your honey.

Hm... I made two Melissa wallpapers along with this one, actually, but I forgot to bring them with me, I guess I'll upload those later. I'm really obsessed with Melissa and Ellen these days. They give me a lot of inspirations, though Melissa's music actually ruin me! :p Only half kidding. She inspired me so much that I don't want my songs to be just like before. I still like my songs, mind you. But I want to reach a higher level, a level somewhere near Melissa's. Sure we have different music types, but I don't want my songs to be just happy-go-lucky songs anymore, I don't want them to be so light anymore. I'm quite fine with my lyrics, I think they suit me best. But I want to write a song just like Melissa, I want to be able to write all of the emotions there, in the melody, in the tune, and not only in the lyrics.

Both Melissa and Ellen inspired me to be strong, and I intend to be just that. Actually I want to follow their footsteps, to be able to raise that high as a public figure, to be able to show to all the world to see that gay people are just that: people. They can even be talented, funny, entertaining, smart, strong, admirable, loveable, too! Too bad that I don't think entertainment industry is for me, and even if I ever step on that industry, I don't think I'm the one who'll show up on stage. I'm best for the behind-the-scene worker. And I've never been interested to be a public figure, I'm too private a person to be that. But at least, I'll find a way, to make a change in my own community. To make a little change in their viewing us. Just in my campus, with my friends, with my teachers and all. I'm not a lovable person, but they can't say they hate me. Well, to summon it up, I've just made a commitment that I'll be a good gay figure in my community, whatever happens. Even if tomorrow I wake up and suddenly fall in love with a guy (slim chance, but miracle happens), I'll still stand up for love and do what I can to stop any discrimination. I'm so frustrated by all that discrimination, you know. All my life I've known discrimination. This group discriminate that group while that group discriminate this group. I've always taken the neutral side, but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I won't just shut up and watch anymore. Whenever I have the chance, I'll try my best to speak up.

It's really hard to see people struggle that hard for what they believe in, and you just can't do anything to help them while you're sharing their belief, you know. I'm frustrated here and I want to come out, but my brain tells me this is not the time. This is not America. This is a far more religious country (but morally broken), not to mention far more conventional. I will, I most definitely will. I need to live my life in my own truth. Well, perhaps that's an idea of mine, but afterall, isn't this my universe? Lol. Okay. Nao's come up and I'll chat with her.

See ye later, in good times or whatever.

Damn, This Is Rather Shocking

Hey, I'm back again. Damn, it's been so long thanks to blogger's damned long loading and its new google account thing.

UTS night and I'm in front of my computer, my gaze can't be torn away from neither Ellen nor Melissa Etheridge. They're both not my mentors. They're my heroes. Yep.

The two of them have more things in common, more than being gay. I love them both for the same qualities they have:1. They're both entertaining, not only to gays, but also to public in general. People just can't help but love them.2. They've both been down, down, down!!! Ellen, facing the world with her coming out. She was left without a job and she got Hetche'd. Melissa, just when she found the love of her life, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her life was at stake. And the wonderful thing is that both of them got up. They faced their fear, and: Ellen: she bounced back and skyrocketed to the top, including this year: hosting the Oscar. She has owned Emmy's for I forget how many years now, kicking Oprah's butt fair and square. And she deserves it. Melissa: she fought and she healed, married Tammy and had a twin with her while caring for her other two children from her previous wife. The public couldn't help but being happy that she gets well, and actually her being sick made fans' connection more strong. This year she got an Oscar for her 'I Need To Wake Up', and she got a new loyal fan. Me. Lol. 3. Both of them are so 'normal'. 'Normal' here means that they just seem like ordinary women. Well, of course Ellen always dresses like a man but well... it's just her. It's her trade mark. I've seen her in dresses and she looks beautiful just like always, but she looks most Ellen when she dresses in her own way. And Melissa doesn't look really masculine. She only look...cool, and wild... just like a rocker should be. She really rocks, you know. She made me fall in love not only with her character but also with her music. Love her so much. 4. They believe in marriage so much. I can't imagine Melissa without Tammy, anyone who sees them would see that they are lovers, it's sooooooooooooo obvious. They just belong together. Even from their appearance. I would really really really hate it so much if ever they get divorced. If it's in my power I would forbide divorce between Melissa and Tammy. Really. How many connected backyard does Melissa need??? Lol. I know Ellen believes in marriage. The scripts she wrote proved that for me. She really deserves to be happy, you know. She has suffered so much and she always makes people laugh, she's so beautiful and lovable... such a shame if she can't find her soulmate. Actually, I think Ellen would make a wonderful lover, you know. Just take a look at some of the videos they have at youtube, for Ellen season 4 and 5. I love it especially when she brings her lover flowers, when she dances with her, and when she dropped that petals... So cute! 5. They both have certain qualities I can't help but adore!!!! Ellen: really funny voice, but really good when she sings. But one thing I love most about her is her DANCING!!!! Yep, she moves in her own way and she makes me dance with her. Sigh, what's not to love? And most importantly, she makes me LAUGH. Melissa: oh, c'mon, can't you see why I'm so so so in love with her??? It's her musical talents!!! WRITING SONGS that good???? WRITING those wonderful LYRICS???? Playing harmonica AND guitar AT the same time???? She can play HARMONICA AND GUITAR AND PIANOOOO???? She's COOL as hell but FUN at the same time??? She's CARING. And, she has Tammy. Lol. Yep.

Ask me why I don't want them as my mentors, but my heroes. I'll tell you that the position of my mentors have been given to Xena and Ryan, and can't be taken away to any other human being, fiction or alive. I've learned from them most, when I need it most. Even, if you really track it back, my meeting Ellen and Melissa has a great connection to them both. There's no other way.But Melissa and Ellen, they both in their own way make me more confident in myself, in my orientation. They both are the pictures of confidence and strength, and success. The perfect role models, mostly for lesbians. I can't hope for Rossie O'Donnell, sorry, coz really, she doesn't make a good role model with her sarcastic ways, and her firing guns with politicians. Ellen and Melissa prove that their sexuality doesn't define who they are. Their deeds do. I read an article today, in Indonesian, written in an Islamic teachings. Okay, no discrimination is my rule. Remember that. I don't write this to degrade Islam, I just don't agree with its teaching. As long as it concerns no important issues, for me it's okay, like, it's perfectly alright and even admirable to do the five time a day sholat. But this is about HUMAN LIFE. Actually I agree that gays shouldn't be too proud of themselves coz what have they done to deserve that pride? Except for those who have achieved something great despite the discrimination they faced, of course. But gays like me, I can only be proud of other gays' achieve. I can't say I'm proud of being gay. I can only say that I'm proud that I dare admit it to myself that I'm gay... even come out to a few people, though only one I know personally. Lol. But the article doesn't talk about that. The article talks about gays like a virus, like the 'spreading' of that virus. Yes, now Indonesian gays have started to be heard. They started to dare to go politic, they started to dare to come out and shout out, "I am gay and I'm no different than you!" and living a relatively ordinary life. That's a good thing for me, a humanist. But it's certainly a threat for fanatically (or, radically) religious people. Yep, they fear the word 'liberty'. No one knows exactly why can a man love a man or why a woman love a woman. Including gays. Ask me. I don't know. I'm just attracted to them. In my case, I don't even know for sure whether I'm 100% gay or I'm bi. But it doesn't matter for me, coz I'm me and I won't change if tomorrow I find out that I'm actually straight. I still am. I will still like to eat, like to sleep. I will still love Melissa and Ellen. I will still love Xena and Ryan. I will still hate discrimination. I will still stand up for LGBT people and gay marriage. Okay, that's off of the main topic.

Hm, okay. Since no one knows why someone becomes a gay (I don't know why many people still think that someone becomes gay the moment they are told... you see? You tell your friend you are gay. All in sudden they run away from you like you're some contangious dissease, though maybe just five minutes ago they hugged you and told you they loved you), then why is it a gay person's sin that they become gay? If being gay is a sin, blame the person who put the gay gens in their bodies (track it to Adam and Eve). If being gay is a sin, blame it to the situation that made them gay in the first place. Why is it that person's fault??? Can you help if that you become a heterosexual? Do you have any control to which sex you're attracted to? Or, to be easier to understand, do you have any control on how you like chocolate better than vanilla, or how you like spicy food or not, or how you like girls with long hair and not the short-haired ones? Do you have any control at all? The control you have is that you can choose to eat it or not, follow your feelings or not. Just imagine that you don't like spicy food and is told that you have to eat spicy food or die, because eating non-spicy food means you do a sin and you must die. Not die by starving, mind you. But by being thrown stones or by beating your head to some walls. Is it even a DECENT way to execute a person????!!! Nobody deserves to die that way. Even a sinner. I wish for those people who wish for others to die that way to get some kind of vision of how horrible it is to punish someone that way. Yes, of course, there are less gays in the moslem country if that's the punishment!!! Not because there are no gays in that country, but because all those gays are afraid of coming out!!!! That's the difference, can't you see??? Gay people have been here, then, now, and maybe forever. The difference is that if they live it in the open or not. Don't sweat yourself by imagining what does it feel to be someone gay if you are heterosexual. You won't ever understand it that way, just like a man would never understand about a woman's menstruation. Just imagine IF everyone around you is gay, you are the only heterosexual in the bunch, and the bible and Qur'an say that being heterosexual is a sin and you must be punished by being thrown stones or banging your head to the walls, that your marriage is not legal even in the country which claims itself as the most liberal country in the world. Say that you are a religious person, how will you feel, that your beloved God created you this way and then He wants you to live a terrible life for nothing???? How will you feel, when you look around you, seeing all those happily married gays around you? How will you feel, when you are forbidden to marry the one you love, when you see that many gays around you get marry, get divorced, remarry, get divorced again, and so on? How will you see when you grow old with the one you love for 50 years without the permission to stay with them in the hospital when they get sick, while those people who cheat on their partners get to see them in the hospital, actually, but don't do it because they're too busy fuckin' other people? This, isn't about fair or not. I know sometimes life's just ain't fair. Sometimes good people suffer for nothing. I'm just saying, let's live together in harmony. If being gay is a sin, let God decides what happens to them. Oh, yeah, just to remind you, if being gay is a sin, so are: eating foods forbidden in the bible, not being faithful to your loved one, getting divorced, sex outside marriage, saving in a bank, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Don't even try to argue, coz it only proves that you only want to see what you want to see in the holy books. The truth is clear: the time has changed two thousand years (plus minus) since those books are created. I'm not saying that what's written isn't true anymore. I'm just saying, this is the age of understanding, the age of choice, the age when we call ourselves 'beradab', we just shouldn't judge each other that harshly and let God do it for us. A person who kill another person, even if, or especially if, he uses religion as his reason, is 'biadab' in my dictionary. No good enough reason to convince me that killing is okay, except if the reason is that it's happened when they try to defend themselves from an attack. Even that needs some self-evaluation.

I won't even talk about morality or I'll be writing here all night. I'm sorry I don't stand up for the more concerning issues like climate crisis, war, hunger, AIDS, SARS, bird flu, earthquake, flood, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. It isn't because I don't care about them, it's because I know so little about them. I guess everybody has his/her own interest concerning these topics, and it happens that my interest lay in discrimination, especially about gays and races because I experience it personally. Well, I've never faced any harassment (and I hope never will) because I'm gay, but I've been harassed with words, just because the people who said it to me don't know that I'm gay. It hurts enough, can't imagine those who experienced gay bashing. I care about people suffering from the earthquake, from bird flu, from SARS, from flood... but what can I do for them except wishing them well? I'm not a doctor who can find the medicine, I'm not someone who can build them new innovation to prevent it. What I can do is writing, though only to a blog which is only read by my best friend who already knows all of the above. I can write about people with AIDS, I can condemn war, I can actually talk about climate crisis (though I won't preach about it until I know how to control my own destructing way of living on this earth), but they all lead me to the topic I'm most familiar with: discrimination. Without discrimination and judging one another, we can face with anything, you know. Thinking on how to prevent the flood to spread instead of fighting over some oil like children. Coming together to help educating people about AIDS so the number will reduce and they won't be discriminated again. Understanding and tolerating each other's religion instead of condemning each other. It is so easy, why is it that hatred and pride always come in the way? And funny enough, why is it that those people in the high places can't see it, while even children can see it so clearly? Why is it, that politic makes people blind with greed, pride, and hatred?

Damn, I've Been To Hell and Back Again

Heh, I guess I deserve just a little more.
My life has turned to a point that I feel so empty that I don't know what to do. I guess I just need to be in love, you know. Being in love makes me happier, stronger, livelier. Heh. Yeah, I miss those times.
The problem is that 22 isn't here anymore, and she's the only one who can make my heart sing. I'm easily attracted to women I think are attractive, but I'm not easily fall in love. Yes, there are attractive women around me, yes, I'm quite attracted to some of them, but no, they don't make me do crazy things like 22 did.
Sigh... sometimes I really want to sing this to her:
'Damn, I wish I was your lover
I'll rock you till the daylight comes
Make sure you are smiling and warm
I am everything, tonight I'll be your mother
I'll do such thing to ease your pain
Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed
Shucks, for me there is no other
You're the only shoe that fits
I can't imagine I'll grow out of it
Damn, I wish I was your lover'
It's a sexy, interesting song I found some days ago and I've been in love with that song ever since, along with Melissa's 'You Can Sleep While I Drive' and her 'I Want To Be In Love'.
Okay, I will continue later, or else, coz I'm so damned mad that I can't download the file I want to download!!! Fuck Indonesia's internet. ;p

One Big, Happy Family

That's what I feel about the Xenaverse. Yep, definitely big. And definitely happy. For we've learned so much from Xena, about love, about peace, and all the wisdoms she shared with us through the years. It's been 6 years since the show ended, but we go on. With Lucy, with Renee, and with all the Xenites around the world. I read about the latest Xena Convention the other day and oh how I wished I could go there! Lucy sang, Renee sang along, they joked and played with the fans... too bad I wasn't there. The Xenaverse is really a whole universe on its own. Not only on the show, but the charity work of the actors and the fans, the continued growing relationship of them, the stories made in academies of bards, websites dedicated to them, etc. I don't know much about the others, but I do know about Lucy and it's real great!! She continues to send messages to fans and reaches out to them. Her website and her personal blog says a lot about her, and this Christmas she sent a personally made video wishing us a merry christmas and happy new year. She's just so... down to earth, and is more like our friends (or mama) than an actress.
Well, anyway, I just can't get that in the real life right now. I'm now in a pretty big work group, and damn it, it doesn't work well. Even my good friends are acting real bitchy. Fuck 'em. I'll do unto you what you do to me.
Okay, no need to whine here, I've written quite a lot in my own personal blog and believe me, the F word in the post are so many I can't even count it. Lol.
By the way, I fell in love with this song. It's so like me!

In front of total strangers won't you kiss me?
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh, I want to be in love
You're standing on the doorstep in the rain
Cause you couldn't wait to see me once again
Oh, I want to be in love

I'm looking for a heart of gold
I'm looking for a hand to hold
A happy end, strong and kind
Somewhere to rest my troubled mind

Oh, surprise me as I walking off the plane
Take my hand as they played our song again
Oh, I want to be in love

For the second time she wrote a song that touches my heart so deeply. The first one is called 'This Moment', I love that song too... dunno if I've written about that? The lyrics go like this:

I, I am watching you breathe
I am pulled into you, as you smashed into me
Oh, I want to give you the stars
All that I can hold in my arms
Placing them at where you lie
Tell the angels they just have to wait

Cause I wanna stay here in this moment
Can I quietly slip into you
You and I can stay here in this moment
Let the world fade away
I just wanna stay with you

Now heaven have less
Cause I've found the best
And I won't let them take you away
Tell the angels they just have to wait

It touched me so deep because it's written by a woman who has found the love of her life and she's diagnosed with cancer. Well, she survived and now she has a complete family with her twin babies. Oh, I forgot to tell, the writer and singer of the songs is Melissa Etheridge. I like her music, I love the words, and I admire her in person as well. You rock!

Okay, I just hope that one day, the world will become much like Xenaverse. It's a dream that's unlikely will come true, for I know that without darkness there won't be any light, and without war there would be no peace, without hate there would be no love, but a girl can dream. Lol. At least I hope that most people would learn to live together in harmony, as one big, happy family.

Wow, It's Been So Long!

Yep, it's been so long since I last wrote here. I've never stopped blogging, just not here. I moved for a while to Friendster, but my truest blog is in my own computer. Well, there are so many things went on these few months I don't know where to start.
I feel that I lost myself these few months. I was so busy I couldn't even think about anything else than work, and school. Well, my school now is all about work so it's kinda the same. I changed a bit these times, and I don't really like the new me. I just hope it's over soon. But I guess it has to be next year. Even now I'm rushed by time, so I won't write long, I just visited my blog by chance, read the things I wrote here, and I know that I miss those times. I just don't have the time to even think about what I should write here. For now.
I guess I should come back when I have more time on my hand.
See you later.