I hate it when people I care about gets dissed without anyone even knowing the whole story. And Melissa has got dissed. A lot. With all the money she's losing from her 'devoted' fans, I think it's fair that Tammy gets nothing. Damn, it's such a lose-lose situation and I hate to write this post. But I have to. I haven't taken my stance just yet, but right now I'm leaning heavily on Melissa's side.
Let's break down the story:
1. They announced they were separating. At the same time.
2. Melissa was interviewed by Oprah and she didn't want to tell the story because Tammy wasn't there to tell her side, but she said the breakup was 'as mutual as those things can be' and Afterellen picked up that as 'probably not mutual at all'.
3. Tammy wrote on her blog that Melissa left her. It wasn't mutual at all. Melissa got dissed, of course. Some fans left.
4. Melissa filled for divorce. No spousal support for Tammy. Wants joint custody with the kids. More people dissed her. More fans left.
5. Tammy wrote on her blog that she was blindsided, that they promised not to fill for the divorce until after the tour. Telling her story that she had to stay home with the children while Melissa was having fun on tour. That she had to scrapped up 1 dollar for gas, borrowing money from friends and families. Now things got ugly. Hate comments everywhere. Not to mention from gay marriage supporters, who felt heavily betrayed.
6. Tammy filled back. She wants full custody AND spousal support.
7. Tammy's lawyer said she was not given a penny since the divorce. Melissa's lawyer said Tammy's delusional, and that Melissa's been paying all of Tammy's expenses, which totals tens of thousands of dollars per month. Article.
8. First court. Tammy's lawyer demand $25K immediately and another $25K for legal fees. Denied. The judges believed that Melissa was paying for everything already. Article. To be continued in September.
No shit, I hate how this goes. Hate is not even strong enough a word. I hate this more than even the gay marriage debate. First of all they were my favorite couple on planet earth. Second of all, it hurts enough that they parted, not to mention the four children. Third of all, it always hurts me when Melissa got backlashed without people even knowing the whole story. She got backlashed sharing her own life story, she got backlashed supporting Kucinich, she got backlashed making peace with Rick Warren, heck, she even got backlashed supporting breast cancer awareness. Fine, she was not completely speaking true on Oprah (though heck, if AE can pick up her real meaning, she's not really lying after all), but who the heck NEVER lie or at least cover the truth? She does preach speak true, but though I'm a firm believer in speak true, at times I lie, too. I tried my best not to lie, but hey, I'm only human.
I don't know why they broke up, I don't know why Melissa refused to pay Tammy MORE. While I don't know them personally, I'm a devoted fan of Melissa and I read Tammy's blog sometimes. When things got ugly, I only said that I couldn't care less if Melissa won't pay Tammy, they're adults. But if she refused to support her own children, I'd lose all respect for her. I'm so happy I was right. Melissa's still who I thought she was.
I wish Julie could speak up about this, but even Melissa stayed silent. Something doesn't sound right. Melissa was hurt by Julie, but she still offered her spousal and child support. IF Tammy didn't do anything wrong, why would Melissa not want to give her spousal support? I don't believe Melissa's a cheap person. I know Melissa gave out lots of money in support of things she care about, even when she knew she could gain absolutely nothing from that. And she has much, what's ten thousand a month for her? She's not stupid. She knew she's going to get backlashes if she refused to pay Tammy. Why did it anyway? She believed in gay marriage and that's why she paid Julie in full, why not now? They're all so way out of her character and therefore I believe there must be a reason behind what she did.
And gaaaaaaaaah... there are so many random people just making assumptions as facts. Melissa NEVER pushed Tammy to stay home, it's Tammy herself who offered herself. Tammy LOVED being home more than acting. I hate it when people said how miserable she was, giving up her career and all - if you wanna take her blog for facts, read it all. Oh, sorry, you can't. Some posts had been deleted for one reason or another. Gah. Many people mentioned Tammy nursing Melissa back to health. So? They were functioning back then. Melissa also took care of Tammy during her pregnancy. Tammy took care of home, Melissa took care of their income. No one owed someone anything when it's all give and take. One more thing: Melissa NEVER pushed Tammy to have children. In an interview she said that Tammy wanted children and she wanted to respect that. But that doesn't mean she doesn't love them. She mentioned them almost in every interview, and looking back at her track records with her two elder children - she and Julie even arranged a connecting houses after break up for their sakes! That's why I put my faith in how she treated her children. If she's as cruel as giving no financial support for her children, then she's not the Melissa I knew and maybe she was just a mean, unethical, unfair, lying, cheating, stealing, stinky, ugly, hurtful, selfish, self-centered, worthless, shallow, vain asshole (this is considered 'nice') like everybody said. She's not.
I never said anything hateful about Tammy so if in the end she's right, I owe her nothing. But if I'm right and Melissa's story is truer, than so many people owe her huge apology. Even now many people owe her apology for calling her names because they thought she didn't want to pay support for her children. But I think now they only move their hatred into her not paying Tammy 'makeup, shoes, dresses, eating out, laundry detergent' money (even this one I'm not sure is right, coz other source mentioned that Tammy got $2000 a month just for herself). Geez. The only thing I regret is not being able to go to her tour this year. With so many fans giving up their tickets I'm bound to be able to get good seats and less competition to get her pick. Heh.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Simplicity of Mind
I've figured out lately that I love working from home more than anything else. I love being home, I love being able to work and eat or drink at the same time (although I rarely do this since it's messy), I love being able to work without supervision - all that matters is the result, and I love working without the constant competitiveness with co-workers. I worked with lots of people before, and I don't like it. I always prefer a small team in doing works cause it's easier to manage and it's more focused. I also can't stand a company hierarchy. It means that everybody's trying so hard to get to the top, fighting with each other and trying to make each other fall. If you succeed at something or if you stand out, be prepared to get all kinds of shits thrown your way. Well, at least that's the case with my previous job. Well, the downside is of course that I don't have the stability my previous job offers. There will be about another month without paycheck, I think. Heh heh.
Anyway, having lots of time on my hand makes me think about all sorts of things, too. When I work 12 hours a day I was too tired to think of other things. Being tired and stressed out make me care only about myself and not about anyone else, much less about strangers I don't even know. Now I think about the strangest of things, and right now it's about living in the ancient time. No, not the ancient like ancient Rome or Greece or China, much more ancient than when Jesus was born. I think about the living of people when there was no money system, when there was not much technology, when there was no country or religion or even tribe.
For me now looking at them, their lives are so simple. They work day by day just to fill their needs, not for anything else. They live together in harmony and everyone can choose their roles. Some are farmers, some are hunters, some are healers, some are teachers, and most of the women do house chores together. There is no TV or computer or radio to distract them from the people around them. There is no plane or train so all they see is what's around them. There is no money so there's no rich-man and poor-man. Then I think, what problems did they have, then? Did crime and greed existed even then? What did they do for fun? How long can they stick that way before change happens? Are they happy with the way they lived? There are so many question and I of course don't have the answer.
I always love simplicity. Some may say I'm stupid or dull because of that, but that state of simplicity always makes me happy. I love plain vanilla ice cream. I rarely add any sauce or salt or pepper to my food. I don't like chili. I love hot tea without sugar (although it depends on what kind of tea it is). I even prefer Oreo without the filling. That translates to my preference of women: no piercing, no tattoo, no hair-dye, not much accessories is very good to me. And perhaps everyone would agree with me with no-clothes liking, but that's another matter altogether :))
Being born in this time and age exposes me to lots and lots of things. This is the age of information, and although I love the fact that I can get almost any information I need just by connecting to the internet, I also get lots of information I could do without. Criminal news are good for cautionary tale, but it makes me wary of strangers - even strangers in need. Every time I see a stranger in need I have an ugly internal battle. What if they only trap me into their scheme? But what if they really need help? I'm very ashamed that I have to think twice to help someone, but I also realize it's better to be cautious, many people are glad to use other people's kindness to trap them. You can even eat a delicious chicken somewhere and the next thing you know someone's telling you it's not chicken but rat. Nowadays I consciously filter myself more of those negative things, but I can only do so much when everybody around me are still watching, reading, or listening to such news.
I really think people can be happier living the old way, in a simpler way. When women don't have to struggle so hard to stay thin, when it doesn't matter how much or how little you have, when it doesn't matter what religion you have, or what race you are, or who you love. Ah well, maybe God had a point when He told humans not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge.
Anyway, having lots of time on my hand makes me think about all sorts of things, too. When I work 12 hours a day I was too tired to think of other things. Being tired and stressed out make me care only about myself and not about anyone else, much less about strangers I don't even know. Now I think about the strangest of things, and right now it's about living in the ancient time. No, not the ancient like ancient Rome or Greece or China, much more ancient than when Jesus was born. I think about the living of people when there was no money system, when there was not much technology, when there was no country or religion or even tribe.
For me now looking at them, their lives are so simple. They work day by day just to fill their needs, not for anything else. They live together in harmony and everyone can choose their roles. Some are farmers, some are hunters, some are healers, some are teachers, and most of the women do house chores together. There is no TV or computer or radio to distract them from the people around them. There is no plane or train so all they see is what's around them. There is no money so there's no rich-man and poor-man. Then I think, what problems did they have, then? Did crime and greed existed even then? What did they do for fun? How long can they stick that way before change happens? Are they happy with the way they lived? There are so many question and I of course don't have the answer.
I always love simplicity. Some may say I'm stupid or dull because of that, but that state of simplicity always makes me happy. I love plain vanilla ice cream. I rarely add any sauce or salt or pepper to my food. I don't like chili. I love hot tea without sugar (although it depends on what kind of tea it is). I even prefer Oreo without the filling. That translates to my preference of women: no piercing, no tattoo, no hair-dye, not much accessories is very good to me. And perhaps everyone would agree with me with no-clothes liking, but that's another matter altogether :))
Being born in this time and age exposes me to lots and lots of things. This is the age of information, and although I love the fact that I can get almost any information I need just by connecting to the internet, I also get lots of information I could do without. Criminal news are good for cautionary tale, but it makes me wary of strangers - even strangers in need. Every time I see a stranger in need I have an ugly internal battle. What if they only trap me into their scheme? But what if they really need help? I'm very ashamed that I have to think twice to help someone, but I also realize it's better to be cautious, many people are glad to use other people's kindness to trap them. You can even eat a delicious chicken somewhere and the next thing you know someone's telling you it's not chicken but rat. Nowadays I consciously filter myself more of those negative things, but I can only do so much when everybody around me are still watching, reading, or listening to such news.
I really think people can be happier living the old way, in a simpler way. When women don't have to struggle so hard to stay thin, when it doesn't matter how much or how little you have, when it doesn't matter what religion you have, or what race you are, or who you love. Ah well, maybe God had a point when He told humans not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Like A Shooting Star
如果失去是苦，你还怕不怕付出
如果坠落是苦，你还要不要幸福
如果迷乱是苦，在开始还是结束
如果追求是苦，这是坚强还是执迷不悟
如果分离是苦，你要把苦向谁诉
如果承诺是苦，真情要不要流露
如果痴心是苦，难道爱本是错误
如果相爱是苦，这是上的真情它在何处
好多事情总是后来才看清楚
然而我已经找不到来时的路
好多事情当时一点也不觉得苦
就算是苦我想我也不会在乎
I was just reminded to this song I liked back when I was in high school. At that time I liked Michelle Yeoh and this is the soundtrack from one of her movies, sung by Michelle herself. Yesterday I found a fan-made music video dedicated to one of Angie Chiu and Cecilia Yip's (the White Snake Legend lead couple) series using this very song.
I liked this song more than just the fact that Michelle sang it. The melody wasn't so interesting, and yet it's easily implanted to my memory. But as usual, the real draw was when I understood the lyrics. I can so relate to it, especially the chorus. At that time I was still very much heartbroken and well, this song is about how you still want to love even though loving is suffering. This is the translation from www.michelleyeoh.info (I edited some words):
如果坠落是苦，你还要不要幸福
如果迷乱是苦，在开始还是结束
如果追求是苦，这是坚强还是执迷不悟
如果分离是苦，你要把苦向谁诉
如果承诺是苦，真情要不要流露
如果痴心是苦，难道爱本是错误
如果相爱是苦，这是上的真情它在何处
好多事情总是后来才看清楚
然而我已经找不到来时的路
好多事情当时一点也不觉得苦
就算是苦我想我也不会在乎
I was just reminded to this song I liked back when I was in high school. At that time I liked Michelle Yeoh and this is the soundtrack from one of her movies, sung by Michelle herself. Yesterday I found a fan-made music video dedicated to one of Angie Chiu and Cecilia Yip's (the White Snake Legend lead couple) series using this very song.
I liked this song more than just the fact that Michelle sang it. The melody wasn't so interesting, and yet it's easily implanted to my memory. But as usual, the real draw was when I understood the lyrics. I can so relate to it, especially the chorus. At that time I was still very much heartbroken and well, this song is about how you still want to love even though loving is suffering. This is the translation from www.michelleyeoh.info (I edited some words):
If losing is painful are you scared of giving If falling is painful will you still wish for happiness If confusion is painful should you end it or start it over If pursuing is painful do you call it strong or stubborn
If separation is painful to whom can you divulge your painIf promise is painful should you express your real passion If obsession is painful isn't love a mistake after all If loving is painful where is the true feeling in this world
There are many things that I can only understand afterwards
But I can no longer find the road where I came from
For many things I don't feel any pain at the time when it happened
Even if they were painful I think that I simply could not care
I think the part I can relate to at this moment is the chorus. There are many things I don't understand now, and maybe I can only understand it later. The things I understand now I can no longer change. No, I don't play with regret. If I made the 'right' choice (as my choice back then seemed 'wrong' for me now), I would have missed so many things along the way. No matter which choice I took, there would be goods and bads along the way. Knowing the bad, should I just run away from that choice? I think as long as I believe strongly in my choice, no matter how bad it turned out, I won't have any regret. Even if it's painful, I won't even be able to care.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
When I Was A Child...
I always consider myself quite a sentimental person. Well, maybe at times. Using the line, "For old time's sake.." can be a killer in seeking favor with me (psst, don't tell anybody). Right now I'm feeling nostalgic in a different way, maybe it's because my birthday's just passed, but I started googling about a show I haven't seen since forever. Well, not really 'forever', cause I owned the VCD copies of the series, but I also haven't seen that in a while. Even better? That was probably my FIRST lesbian movie/series EVER.
Well, as I googled the characters and the forums, etc, I stumbled on a thought. Could they be my first celebrity crush ever? Figured out, no. There was a woman I had a crush on before them. This is she:
Recognize her? No? Well, how about this one:
Yep. The one who broke Chow Yun Fat and Andy Lau's heart. Who could blame me on having my first celebrity crush EVER on her?
But that series has a place in my heart more than The Return of Condor Heroes. I have to admit I wouldn't have remembered Yoko if it wasn't because I stumbled upon it while googling White Snake Legend. Yup, that's my favorite Chinese series ever. Maybe it's because of the sentimental connection with my childhood, maybe because it's very lesbianish, maybe because it's musical and humorous and tragic and romantic and even scary (for an elementary school-er) rolled into one, I don't care either way. For me I'll always love that show along with Xena. I like Friends alright but I don't love it. Now Glee has a chance in winning my heart, but when I watched more episodes of it, I kinda lean on the 'like' side more. We'll see.
Anyway, back to crushes, until now I can't decide which woman I like better. Bai Su Zhen is of course very beautiful, very cool in the feminine sense, she's wise and tender but powerful, and in short I would love to have a wife just like her. I mean, look at her!!!
I can't find a single flaw on her. And that's maybe the only unattractiveness I find in her. She's simply too perfect.
On the other hand, Han Wen (please note that even though in the story she's a he, in the depth of my perverted mind she's always a she)... she's kinda cowardly, goofy at times, very dependent and some may say weak, but actually, I'm very attracted to that side of hers. Haha. I can smile (literally) just by looking at her childlike face. She's certainly not stupid, but she looks really innocent and pure and naive, and that makes me want to ensure that she stays that way forever. Above all, it's her sincere heart that attracts me to her. She's so kind and sincere to others, sometimes to the point of being stupid. Maybe that's why I like her more (Crap! Why aren't there more pictures of her as Han Wen??).
In a way, I think this couple's very gay not only because the part of Han Wen is played by a woman. It's the interaction between the characters. The setting was in a time when husband and wife play a certain role in the family, and they certainly aren't equal. That's not the case with this couple. They're completely equal in every way, and more often than not, it's due to Han Wen's deference to his wife. I won't say it's impossible to find a man like that, but it's a trait I find more often in women, as most men has his pride and reputation to protect. Not to mention their love is beautiful, and it continues to amaze me why many homophobic people aren't grossed out by their pictures together.
Not exactly lesbianish, but you can't say that look so straight either. Heh. And while that show won't help lesbian visibility much, at least it'll help people like me realizing their sexuality. Oh, and there are LOTS of gossips on the forums. But I'm far more interested in how people really hate Fa Hai (the monk) and debate whether She Lin (their son) should end up with Mei Niang (rabbit demoness) or Bi Lian. Their comments are mostly so anarchist it's funny. If all those people got their wishes, Fa Hai would have lost his beard and end up with a swollen bump on his head and Bi Lian would end up with a pig's nose. Yuck. I don't hate any character in the show mainly because despite their cruelness to the main characters, they have their reason behind their hostility. It's all forgiven in the end, though, as my favorite part about the show's end. Ah, and I can't stop laughing that one person wrongly wrote 'White Snake' as 'White Snack' and the person after him snatched, "White Snack? Lo kata kerupuk apa?"
I won't comment much on the music. I like the music very much, although after watching several episodes I skipped all the opening and ending song. I'm fond of some of the lyrics, they are very quotable and romantic, especially in Chinese. Maybe that's because I don't have many Chinese quote, but whatever. These two are from the opening and ending song, among my favorite of them all: "有緣千里來相會,無緣對面手難牽" and "是誰在耳邊說 愛我永不變, 只為這一句 斷腸也無怨".
Maybe my only wish is that the show is popular nowadays instead of twenty years ago. Then maybe I can vote for them on Afterellen's Hot 100. Heheh.
Well, as I googled the characters and the forums, etc, I stumbled on a thought. Could they be my first celebrity crush ever? Figured out, no. There was a woman I had a crush on before them. This is she:
Recognize her? No? Well, how about this one:
Yep. The one who broke Chow Yun Fat and Andy Lau's heart. Who could blame me on having my first celebrity crush EVER on her?
But that series has a place in my heart more than The Return of Condor Heroes. I have to admit I wouldn't have remembered Yoko if it wasn't because I stumbled upon it while googling White Snake Legend. Yup, that's my favorite Chinese series ever. Maybe it's because of the sentimental connection with my childhood, maybe because it's very lesbianish, maybe because it's musical and humorous and tragic and romantic and even scary (for an elementary school-er) rolled into one, I don't care either way. For me I'll always love that show along with Xena. I like Friends alright but I don't love it. Now Glee has a chance in winning my heart, but when I watched more episodes of it, I kinda lean on the 'like' side more. We'll see.
Anyway, back to crushes, until now I can't decide which woman I like better. Bai Su Zhen is of course very beautiful, very cool in the feminine sense, she's wise and tender but powerful, and in short I would love to have a wife just like her. I mean, look at her!!!
I can't find a single flaw on her. And that's maybe the only unattractiveness I find in her. She's simply too perfect.
On the other hand, Han Wen (please note that even though in the story she's a he, in the depth of my perverted mind she's always a she)... she's kinda cowardly, goofy at times, very dependent and some may say weak, but actually, I'm very attracted to that side of hers. Haha. I can smile (literally) just by looking at her childlike face. She's certainly not stupid, but she looks really innocent and pure and naive, and that makes me want to ensure that she stays that way forever. Above all, it's her sincere heart that attracts me to her. She's so kind and sincere to others, sometimes to the point of being stupid. Maybe that's why I like her more (Crap! Why aren't there more pictures of her as Han Wen??).
In a way, I think this couple's very gay not only because the part of Han Wen is played by a woman. It's the interaction between the characters. The setting was in a time when husband and wife play a certain role in the family, and they certainly aren't equal. That's not the case with this couple. They're completely equal in every way, and more often than not, it's due to Han Wen's deference to his wife. I won't say it's impossible to find a man like that, but it's a trait I find more often in women, as most men has his pride and reputation to protect. Not to mention their love is beautiful, and it continues to amaze me why many homophobic people aren't grossed out by their pictures together.
Not exactly lesbianish, but you can't say that look so straight either. Heh. And while that show won't help lesbian visibility much, at least it'll help people like me realizing their sexuality. Oh, and there are LOTS of gossips on the forums. But I'm far more interested in how people really hate Fa Hai (the monk) and debate whether She Lin (their son) should end up with Mei Niang (rabbit demoness) or Bi Lian. Their comments are mostly so anarchist it's funny. If all those people got their wishes, Fa Hai would have lost his beard and end up with a swollen bump on his head and Bi Lian would end up with a pig's nose. Yuck. I don't hate any character in the show mainly because despite their cruelness to the main characters, they have their reason behind their hostility. It's all forgiven in the end, though, as my favorite part about the show's end. Ah, and I can't stop laughing that one person wrongly wrote 'White Snake' as 'White Snack' and the person after him snatched, "White Snack? Lo kata kerupuk apa?"
I won't comment much on the music. I like the music very much, although after watching several episodes I skipped all the opening and ending song. I'm fond of some of the lyrics, they are very quotable and romantic, especially in Chinese. Maybe that's because I don't have many Chinese quote, but whatever. These two are from the opening and ending song, among my favorite of them all: "有緣千里來相會,無緣對面手難牽" and "是誰在耳邊說 愛我永不變, 只為這一句 斷腸也無怨".
Maybe my only wish is that the show is popular nowadays instead of twenty years ago. Then maybe I can vote for them on Afterellen's Hot 100. Heheh.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
What A Day!
Indeed, what a day! Today I filled my day fully with a very satisfying activity: OGLING. :D Yep. I did some ogling with Sid at the movie and mall, and then when I got home.. the ogling continues. Hehe.
Well I was only half kidding. Yesterday Afterellen.com finally released their 2010 Hot 100 but it was already late at night so I couldn't finish ogling the women. So today it is. Oh, and although you couldn't call it 'ogling', I did take a look at the beautiful men of Afterelton's Hot 100. I don't know if it's statistically true, but I think women who are considered beautiful by women and men who are considered beautiful by men are more beautiful than the ones considered beautiful by their opposite sex, if you know what I mean. At least I can speak that for the ladies. We are really really picky about who we consider 'beautiful'. Outer beauty is not enough, she has to have enough intelligence, she has to be strong in character, she has to be funny and kind and down-to-earth and charming. At least those are the basics. And well, in lists by women, butch women tends to have some spots reserved for them. They rarely have that privilege in lists by men. Anyway, after I took a loot at more than 200 beautiful people, I decided to write this post, which means that I get to ogle more women for pictures in this post. Heh heh. Very satisfying, indeed.
I forgot most of the women I voted for this year... stupid me, but I'm pretty sure at least 6 or 7 of them made the list. There are some women I didn't vote for cause I forgot them at the moment I voted.. but they're definitely on my list. So here's my hot list. :D
1. Melissa Etheridge
I wish I was her guitar
And how fabulous she is at 49!!!
2. Gro Hammerseng
It's very hard to pick only one picture of hers cause she has many sides of her, really. Sometimes she can be very butch and sometimes she's plain femme. So the only thing I could do is pick the plain picture of hers, which in my eyes is better than any of her studio ones.
Oh, and if ever there's a Rose of Versailles movie adaption made, I hope she'll be Oscar. She already looks so much like her. :D
3. Lena Headey
You're no wanker number 9! 'Nuff said.
4. Portia DeRossi
Where can I get that T-shirt? Love it!
5. Lea Michele
She debuted this year in my heart. I love geeks...
... but how can I not droll at this???
Or this???
6. Kajol
Most surprising debutant. But I gladly welcome her :D
7. Kristen Stewart
Not-so-surprising debutant, I think. She's even #2 on Afterellen this year!
8. Jane Lynch
Can't hate this woman. Absolutely. Not.
And don't argue with her.
Well I was only half kidding. Yesterday Afterellen.com finally released their 2010 Hot 100 but it was already late at night so I couldn't finish ogling the women. So today it is. Oh, and although you couldn't call it 'ogling', I did take a look at the beautiful men of Afterelton's Hot 100. I don't know if it's statistically true, but I think women who are considered beautiful by women and men who are considered beautiful by men are more beautiful than the ones considered beautiful by their opposite sex, if you know what I mean. At least I can speak that for the ladies. We are really really picky about who we consider 'beautiful'. Outer beauty is not enough, she has to have enough intelligence, she has to be strong in character, she has to be funny and kind and down-to-earth and charming. At least those are the basics. And well, in lists by women, butch women tends to have some spots reserved for them. They rarely have that privilege in lists by men. Anyway, after I took a loot at more than 200 beautiful people, I decided to write this post, which means that I get to ogle more women for pictures in this post. Heh heh. Very satisfying, indeed.
I forgot most of the women I voted for this year... stupid me, but I'm pretty sure at least 6 or 7 of them made the list. There are some women I didn't vote for cause I forgot them at the moment I voted.. but they're definitely on my list. So here's my hot list. :D
1. Melissa Etheridge
And how fabulous she is at 49!!!
2. Gro Hammerseng
It's very hard to pick only one picture of hers cause she has many sides of her, really. Sometimes she can be very butch and sometimes she's plain femme. So the only thing I could do is pick the plain picture of hers, which in my eyes is better than any of her studio ones.
Oh, and if ever there's a Rose of Versailles movie adaption made, I hope she'll be Oscar. She already looks so much like her. :D
3. Lena Headey
You're no wanker number 9! 'Nuff said.
4. Portia DeRossi
Where can I get that T-shirt? Love it!
5. Lea Michele
She debuted this year in my heart. I love geeks...
... but how can I not droll at this???
Or this???
6. Kajol
Most surprising debutant. But I gladly welcome her :D
7. Kristen Stewart
Not-so-surprising debutant, I think. She's even #2 on Afterellen this year!
8. Jane Lynch
Can't hate this woman. Absolutely. Not.
And don't argue with her.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
So, What Is Love Then?
It literally felt like a punch in the gut. I can't believe this is happening. http://hollywoodfarmgirl.blogspot.com/2010/04/cuz-in-hollywood-they-all-want.html
Of all the many couples in celebrity world I always believed in them, since the first time I saw them. I had total faith in their love, although a small voice in the back of my head warned me never to trust any public profiles completely, you never knew what happened when they got home. I thought I could hear it in her songs... they're getting better and happier. Figured that in a relationship if there's only one party being happy, it's not enough. I don't know who's right or wrong, but isn't it too soon, deciding to quit now? Based on Tammy's blog, their problem only started December or so. There are four children at stakes, and two of them had gone through a divorce once, they don't need another one. Having three or four mommies can still be cool, but five or six?! Dang.
It's not my place to judge them, I know. But it feels so personal to me cause I looked up to them so much. Looking at them together gave me insight what true love was like, and a hope that I could find someone who complemented me as much as they were to each other. I used to sing 'Sleep' thinking that she imagined someone much like Tammy when she wrote it. I sang 'This Moment' thinking about the days they were dating. And oh damn, 'When You Find The One', 'I've Loved You Before', even 'Threesome'. Those songs have my memories in them as well, not just theirs. And I'm truly saddened beyond words that now the break up is official. First Jodie and Cydney, then Rossie and Kelly, now my favorite couple of them all. Damn.
Well, still life goes on. For them and for me. I wish all the best for them, I still love them and heck I care about them. Luckily I also still believe in true love, though I have to admit right now I'm a little bit too pessimistic and bitter about love. Lucky and Angel... my thoughts and prayers for both of you. May you find the happiness that you seek later in life.
So what is love then, is it dictated or chosen?
Does it sing like hymns or a thousand years or is it just pop emotion?
And if it was ever there and it left, doesn't mean it was never true...
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Ah well, now I have to put my faith back to the everlasting couple... just cause I know their love really doesn't have an ending. :D
Of all the many couples in celebrity world I always believed in them, since the first time I saw them. I had total faith in their love, although a small voice in the back of my head warned me never to trust any public profiles completely, you never knew what happened when they got home. I thought I could hear it in her songs... they're getting better and happier. Figured that in a relationship if there's only one party being happy, it's not enough. I don't know who's right or wrong, but isn't it too soon, deciding to quit now? Based on Tammy's blog, their problem only started December or so. There are four children at stakes, and two of them had gone through a divorce once, they don't need another one. Having three or four mommies can still be cool, but five or six?! Dang.
It's not my place to judge them, I know. But it feels so personal to me cause I looked up to them so much. Looking at them together gave me insight what true love was like, and a hope that I could find someone who complemented me as much as they were to each other. I used to sing 'Sleep' thinking that she imagined someone much like Tammy when she wrote it. I sang 'This Moment' thinking about the days they were dating. And oh damn, 'When You Find The One', 'I've Loved You Before', even 'Threesome'. Those songs have my memories in them as well, not just theirs. And I'm truly saddened beyond words that now the break up is official. First Jodie and Cydney, then Rossie and Kelly, now my favorite couple of them all. Damn.
Well, still life goes on. For them and for me. I wish all the best for them, I still love them and heck I care about them. Luckily I also still believe in true love, though I have to admit right now I'm a little bit too pessimistic and bitter about love. Lucky and Angel... my thoughts and prayers for both of you. May you find the happiness that you seek later in life.
So what is love then, is it dictated or chosen?
Does it sing like hymns or a thousand years or is it just pop emotion?
And if it was ever there and it left, doesn't mean it was never true...
.jpg)
Ah well, now I have to put my faith back to the everlasting couple... just cause I know their love really doesn't have an ending. :D
Thursday, April 08, 2010
God Bless Us Everyone
Let the stars in the sky remind us of men's compassion
Let us love till we die, and God bless us everyone
In your heart there's a light as bright as the stars in heaven
Let it shine through the night, and God bless us everyone
Till each child is fed, till all men are free
Till the world becomes a family
Star by star in the sky and kindness by human's kindness
Let me love till I die, and God bless us everyone
It seems that these few days I read and watch a lot of stories that makes me think of humanity. In a good way, and sadly, in a bad way. People are funny creatures. They can be angels and they can be demons, and sometimes, one person can be both. I have no idea, though, what runs through people's mind when they do horrible things to others. Disaster by natural causes (hurricane, earthquake, tsunami, volcano eruption, etc) are horrible enough, but it's the power of mother earth, one which no one person on earth could overcome. It's sad, but it's natural. Death by people with murderous intentions, however, even sadder to me. Especially one that is based on nothing but fear of differences. It can also mean fear of the change that people with different point of view would bring. This one most commonly found within political or religious organizations.
I've just read 'Totto-chan's Children' by Tetsuko Kuroyanagi. The story followed Ms. Kuroyanagi (Totto-chan)'s journey as an ambassador for UNICEF. I was deeply moved in the earlier chapters when she went to Africa and India, where the state of living was waaaaaaaaay beyond our imagination. Starvation and dehydration were so horrible that children's organs started to die one by one before they finally died. I'm sad to hear that there are so many people, especially children, who had to live such life. What's the point to be born in the first place if they couldn't be fed and then died so soon? But it's in those places that wonderful things happened. Things that reminded me of the beauty of human's soul. Even when they were thirsty beyond reason, when they found water, it's the youngest children who got to drink first. Even when they had nothing, when there were 'guests', they tried their best to be hospitable and walked almost 10 km to get water (the brown-colored kind, of course) for those strangers. And even though their bodies stop functioning, their heart apparently not, cause they still had enough compassion to wish happiness for a stranger.
But there are other places, where food and water are plenty, and yet the people are still not happy. A place where one wrong step could end your life - literally. Mine bombs are everywhere, men are killed, women are raped, children had to work hard and were tortured. In my eyes it's the worse place to be. This was done by men, not by nature. They also led a short, hard life, but unlike their starving friends, these children had no happiness. Their hearts are forever damaged, having to watch so many blood shed by other mankind. They knew hatred, fear, and despair far too soon in their lives. I simply cannot even begin to understand, how could a man put a bomb inside of a doll, so that when the little girl hug it, it exploded? How could grown-up men cut babies' and children's arms and feet for nothing, and left them to die? What the hell is the point in doing so? Even when they survived, those children became handicapped for no reason at all. That's insanity. To think that people are capable of that kind of evil, I do fear people more than ghosts.
Other bad news came more recently, and not as horrible, but maybe worth a thought, and definitely worth telling. Anybody already heard of Constance McMillen? I watched her on Ellen sometime ago, and I thought things would go better for her. Wrong. Well, the story started simple. Constance wanted to go to prom with her girlfriend and she asked the school to allow her to wear tuxedo. The school would not let her wear tux and would only allowed them to go if they go separately and don't dance and not be affectionate with each other during the prom (but so what's the point in going if they can't be together the whole evening?). So Constance went a great length to plead her case and the school canceled the prom for EVERYBODY. And guess who became the black sheep for the whole picture? The gay kid, of course. But then celebrities took notice, and everyone tried their best to support her, even offering her a prom of her own. Well, with all the highlights I think some good things would come to her, rite? Nooooooo. Just last week she was invited to a fake prom. Because the school wouldn't take their words back, the students' parents sponsored a prom for their children, and Constance was invited. Only... when she showed up, there were only six or seven other kids there. The others were at another place, the 'real' prom. It's sad, and it's cruel on some level. First of all, if only the school would recognize diversity, the whole hulla-balloo wouldn't have happened in the first place. Second of all, better not inviting her than inviting her to a fake prom. Third of all, the other kids at the fake prom are the 'unpopular' ones, two of them are children with 'learning difficulties'. Well, well, well. Now who's the evil one here? Is there really not one among the students or the parents who realized what they were doing is wrong?
And today, I watched 'My Name Is Khan'. I've been wanting to see that movie for some time now. The story is beautiful, and I kinda developed a crush on Mandira, but that's beside the point. :D I love the teaching of Khan's mother. "There are good people who do good things and bad people who do bad things. Besides that, there are no differences." But I have an addition. You see, in many teachings, there are opposites. Yin and yang, good and bad, day and night... but the way I see it, everything has three sides instead of two. Expand that a little bit more and maybe you'll get four. There are good people, there are bad people, and there are people who do nothing. Shamefully in many cases I'm included in the third category. I hope it's because I'm young and lack of confidence, purpose, and direction, not because I'm too lazy to do something. Doing nothing is not a crime, it's not a bad thing, but it certainly isn't good either. Watching this movie reminded me of Matthew Shepard so badly. He was also a victim of a hate crime, and worse, the people who killed him didn't even feel wrong for doing so.
As cliche as it may sound, there's nothing to end a circle of hatred but love and compassion. I know it's not easy, vengeance is a very strong desire. I'm not even sure I can do it. But if we don't, if we keep hating each other and killing each other, then who will be left to save the earth? Einstein once said that four years after all the bees are dead, mankind will extinct too. I think that's just a way of saying, when people are succeed in making one race, or one religion, or one group of people disappear, no matter how seemingly insignificant they may be, it would be the end of the world. Cause they won't stop there. Next it may be you or me. Who knows?
Let us love till we die, and God bless us everyone
In your heart there's a light as bright as the stars in heaven
Let it shine through the night, and God bless us everyone
Till each child is fed, till all men are free
Till the world becomes a family
Star by star in the sky and kindness by human's kindness
Let me love till I die, and God bless us everyone
It seems that these few days I read and watch a lot of stories that makes me think of humanity. In a good way, and sadly, in a bad way. People are funny creatures. They can be angels and they can be demons, and sometimes, one person can be both. I have no idea, though, what runs through people's mind when they do horrible things to others. Disaster by natural causes (hurricane, earthquake, tsunami, volcano eruption, etc) are horrible enough, but it's the power of mother earth, one which no one person on earth could overcome. It's sad, but it's natural. Death by people with murderous intentions, however, even sadder to me. Especially one that is based on nothing but fear of differences. It can also mean fear of the change that people with different point of view would bring. This one most commonly found within political or religious organizations.
I've just read 'Totto-chan's Children' by Tetsuko Kuroyanagi. The story followed Ms. Kuroyanagi (Totto-chan)'s journey as an ambassador for UNICEF. I was deeply moved in the earlier chapters when she went to Africa and India, where the state of living was waaaaaaaaay beyond our imagination. Starvation and dehydration were so horrible that children's organs started to die one by one before they finally died. I'm sad to hear that there are so many people, especially children, who had to live such life. What's the point to be born in the first place if they couldn't be fed and then died so soon? But it's in those places that wonderful things happened. Things that reminded me of the beauty of human's soul. Even when they were thirsty beyond reason, when they found water, it's the youngest children who got to drink first. Even when they had nothing, when there were 'guests', they tried their best to be hospitable and walked almost 10 km to get water (the brown-colored kind, of course) for those strangers. And even though their bodies stop functioning, their heart apparently not, cause they still had enough compassion to wish happiness for a stranger.
But there are other places, where food and water are plenty, and yet the people are still not happy. A place where one wrong step could end your life - literally. Mine bombs are everywhere, men are killed, women are raped, children had to work hard and were tortured. In my eyes it's the worse place to be. This was done by men, not by nature. They also led a short, hard life, but unlike their starving friends, these children had no happiness. Their hearts are forever damaged, having to watch so many blood shed by other mankind. They knew hatred, fear, and despair far too soon in their lives. I simply cannot even begin to understand, how could a man put a bomb inside of a doll, so that when the little girl hug it, it exploded? How could grown-up men cut babies' and children's arms and feet for nothing, and left them to die? What the hell is the point in doing so? Even when they survived, those children became handicapped for no reason at all. That's insanity. To think that people are capable of that kind of evil, I do fear people more than ghosts.
Other bad news came more recently, and not as horrible, but maybe worth a thought, and definitely worth telling. Anybody already heard of Constance McMillen? I watched her on Ellen sometime ago, and I thought things would go better for her. Wrong. Well, the story started simple. Constance wanted to go to prom with her girlfriend and she asked the school to allow her to wear tuxedo. The school would not let her wear tux and would only allowed them to go if they go separately and don't dance and not be affectionate with each other during the prom (but so what's the point in going if they can't be together the whole evening?). So Constance went a great length to plead her case and the school canceled the prom for EVERYBODY. And guess who became the black sheep for the whole picture? The gay kid, of course. But then celebrities took notice, and everyone tried their best to support her, even offering her a prom of her own. Well, with all the highlights I think some good things would come to her, rite? Nooooooo. Just last week she was invited to a fake prom. Because the school wouldn't take their words back, the students' parents sponsored a prom for their children, and Constance was invited. Only... when she showed up, there were only six or seven other kids there. The others were at another place, the 'real' prom. It's sad, and it's cruel on some level. First of all, if only the school would recognize diversity, the whole hulla-balloo wouldn't have happened in the first place. Second of all, better not inviting her than inviting her to a fake prom. Third of all, the other kids at the fake prom are the 'unpopular' ones, two of them are children with 'learning difficulties'. Well, well, well. Now who's the evil one here? Is there really not one among the students or the parents who realized what they were doing is wrong?
And today, I watched 'My Name Is Khan'. I've been wanting to see that movie for some time now. The story is beautiful, and I kinda developed a crush on Mandira, but that's beside the point. :D I love the teaching of Khan's mother. "There are good people who do good things and bad people who do bad things. Besides that, there are no differences." But I have an addition. You see, in many teachings, there are opposites. Yin and yang, good and bad, day and night... but the way I see it, everything has three sides instead of two. Expand that a little bit more and maybe you'll get four. There are good people, there are bad people, and there are people who do nothing. Shamefully in many cases I'm included in the third category. I hope it's because I'm young and lack of confidence, purpose, and direction, not because I'm too lazy to do something. Doing nothing is not a crime, it's not a bad thing, but it certainly isn't good either. Watching this movie reminded me of Matthew Shepard so badly. He was also a victim of a hate crime, and worse, the people who killed him didn't even feel wrong for doing so.
As cliche as it may sound, there's nothing to end a circle of hatred but love and compassion. I know it's not easy, vengeance is a very strong desire. I'm not even sure I can do it. But if we don't, if we keep hating each other and killing each other, then who will be left to save the earth? Einstein once said that four years after all the bees are dead, mankind will extinct too. I think that's just a way of saying, when people are succeed in making one race, or one religion, or one group of people disappear, no matter how seemingly insignificant they may be, it would be the end of the world. Cause they won't stop there. Next it may be you or me. Who knows?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Between Tomatoes and Carrots
If you don't mind my asking, which one do you prefer, tomato or carrot juice? This may seem to come out of nowhere, but I happen to notice that a gay man I work with prefer carrot to tomato, while the straight one prefer tomato. Given the choice I always prefer a mix of both, but I would choose tomato over carrot. Just for fun, please leave comments so I can do a little analysis if there is a connection between sexual orientation and... well... fruit/vegetables :DD
Monday, February 22, 2010
Homework from Zhou
Why is it that when there are a lot of things going on in my life, I lost the ability to write it down? So, well, I'll just do this homework for post :D
1. WHERE IS U’R CELL PHONE?
Right now it’s at my left side, being charged
2. RELATIONSHIP?
Got a pretty good relationship with my parents and my sister. :D
3. U’R HAIR?
Short for now.
4. WORK?
I'll be looking for job next month, I think.
5. U’R SISTERS?
Yeah (???)
6. U’R FAVORITE THING?
Not sure I can choose one. I love lots of things.
7. U’R DREAM LAST NIGHT?
It was this afternoon, and I don't really remember it, but I remember laughing out loud in my sleep. What the heck?
8. U’R FAVORIT DRINK?
Sourcy groen but it's not available here sadly.
9. U’R DREAM CAR?
Sky blue cute car with an excellent audio system, preferably environment-friendly
10. U’R SHOES?
Sneakers, of course. But right now sandal gunung is my favorite. (What is 'sandal gunung' in English???)
11. U’R FEARS
I'm scared of being afraid
12. WHAT DO U WANT TO BE IN 10 YEARS?
Happy, healthy, and rich!!!
13. WHO DID U’R HANG OUT WITH LAST WEEK?
My family
14. WHAT ARE U NOT GOOD AT?
Communicating
15. ONE OF U’R WISH LIST ITEM?
MEIN pick set
16. WHERE U GREW UP?
In my favorite city in the world
17. LAST THING U DID?
Working
18. WHAT ARE U WEARING?
T-shirt and shorts and why the heck you wanna know???
19. U’R COMPUTER?
Is at home. I'm using my laptop
20. U’R PET?
Is dead
21. U’R LIFE?
Interesting
22. MISSING?
Being in love
23. WHAT ARE U THINKING RIGHT NOW?
How to write a resignation letter.
24. U’R CAR?
Don't have one. It's my parent's.
25. U’R KITCHEN?
Is not built yet
26. U’R FAVORIT COLOR?
Don't have one
27. LAST TIME U LAUGH?
This afternoon, in my sleep
28. LAST TIME U CRIED?
Can't remember
29. LOVE?
Is never wrong
30. SO WHO WANTS TO SHARE THEIR ONE’S? HOW ABOUT?
Huh???
31. PERSON ELECTED TO THE TAG..
Pencinta Perempuan(ku), Phiko, Boewatchat
1. WHERE IS U’R CELL PHONE?
Right now it’s at my left side, being charged
2. RELATIONSHIP?
Got a pretty good relationship with my parents and my sister. :D
3. U’R HAIR?
Short for now.
4. WORK?
I'll be looking for job next month, I think.
5. U’R SISTERS?
Yeah (???)
6. U’R FAVORITE THING?
Not sure I can choose one. I love lots of things.
7. U’R DREAM LAST NIGHT?
It was this afternoon, and I don't really remember it, but I remember laughing out loud in my sleep. What the heck?
8. U’R FAVORIT DRINK?
Sourcy groen but it's not available here sadly.
9. U’R DREAM CAR?
Sky blue cute car with an excellent audio system, preferably environment-friendly
10. U’R SHOES?
Sneakers, of course. But right now sandal gunung is my favorite. (What is 'sandal gunung' in English???)
11. U’R FEARS
I'm scared of being afraid
12. WHAT DO U WANT TO BE IN 10 YEARS?
Happy, healthy, and rich!!!
13. WHO DID U’R HANG OUT WITH LAST WEEK?
My family
14. WHAT ARE U NOT GOOD AT?
Communicating
15. ONE OF U’R WISH LIST ITEM?
MEIN pick set
16. WHERE U GREW UP?
In my favorite city in the world
17. LAST THING U DID?
Working
18. WHAT ARE U WEARING?
T-shirt and shorts and why the heck you wanna know???
19. U’R COMPUTER?
Is at home. I'm using my laptop
20. U’R PET?
Is dead
21. U’R LIFE?
Interesting
22. MISSING?
Being in love
23. WHAT ARE U THINKING RIGHT NOW?
How to write a resignation letter.
24. U’R CAR?
Don't have one. It's my parent's.
25. U’R KITCHEN?
Is not built yet
26. U’R FAVORIT COLOR?
Don't have one
27. LAST TIME U LAUGH?
This afternoon, in my sleep
28. LAST TIME U CRIED?
Can't remember
29. LOVE?
Is never wrong
30. SO WHO WANTS TO SHARE THEIR ONE’S? HOW ABOUT?
Huh???
31. PERSON ELECTED TO THE TAG..
Pencinta Perempuan(ku), Phiko, Boewatchat
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Prop 8 - Testimony from The Unknown
When I first realized my attraction to girls, I went into a long-time research over it. First, I wanted to be sure if it's a disease or not (coz everybody said it's a disease), maybe how I can get rid of it. Second, if being gay makes me an abnormal or weird person. I'd never seen any representation of a gay person before. And third, if it's a sin. Honestly that's the only thing I can't resolve until now. Problem is, I can only believe in what I feel. I'll never know what God really thinks.
Do you know what makes me choose to walk on this path in the end? It's because in every article, in every forum, in every dialogue or debate about gay rights or being gay at all, there is a very clear difference. The anti-gay people always talks about fear. "Burn in hell", "Jesus hates fags", "gay marriage threats traditional marriage", "the gays will teach children about sodomi", etc. "Disgusting, abnormal, abomination, unnatural, sin, etc" is among their favorite words. But the argumens in the gay side always talks about love. It's among, "We shouldn't judge people," "Respect difference", "I'm proud of my gay son/daughter/friend/parents/etc", "Love is stronger than blood", etc. True, the cases are sometimes reversed. There are anti-gay people who can actually think cold-headedly and logically, and there are some gay people who are downright rude. But in most cases, it's totally clear to me which side is 'right', according to my heart. It doesn't even matter to me if I'm gay or not. Even if I'm straight I'd still support gay rights, just like I'm not Jewish but I'd be against Hitler anyway.
I always want to be married someday. It doesn't matter much if it's legal or not for now because I don't want to wait until Indonesia makes it legal. But because of that, I want to support people who are 'almost' be able to get married. Besides, it's really a harmless thing. What difference would it be to your life if your neighbour is married or not? You can still pretend they're roommates if you want to. But being married is crucial to them, it affects many aspects in their lives. Face it, the hullaballo of Prop 8 has nothing to do with 'traditional marriage', children wellbeing', much less 'sanctity of marriage'. It's simply a political force of an organized religion. They fear that if gay marriage is legal, people will question more about their dogmas and rules, and therefore makes them leaves their church. Again, it's based on fear. And it's totally political, not religious, because those people will not lose their faith. They will only move to churches who is more open-minded. For people with strongly political minds, it's dangerous.
I don't wish for a 100% vote for NO on 8. I just wish, since it's 2010 already, people would be wiser and learning well from history. It's not the first time that one minority group of people being bullied, and it won't be the last. If you don't stand up for them now, when it's your turn to be bullied, there'll be no one left to stand up for you.
Love or fear. It's your choice now.
Do you know what makes me choose to walk on this path in the end? It's because in every article, in every forum, in every dialogue or debate about gay rights or being gay at all, there is a very clear difference. The anti-gay people always talks about fear. "Burn in hell", "Jesus hates fags", "gay marriage threats traditional marriage", "the gays will teach children about sodomi", etc. "Disgusting, abnormal, abomination, unnatural, sin, etc" is among their favorite words. But the argumens in the gay side always talks about love. It's among, "We shouldn't judge people," "Respect difference", "I'm proud of my gay son/daughter/friend/parents/etc", "Love is stronger than blood", etc. True, the cases are sometimes reversed. There are anti-gay people who can actually think cold-headedly and logically, and there are some gay people who are downright rude. But in most cases, it's totally clear to me which side is 'right', according to my heart. It doesn't even matter to me if I'm gay or not. Even if I'm straight I'd still support gay rights, just like I'm not Jewish but I'd be against Hitler anyway.
I always want to be married someday. It doesn't matter much if it's legal or not for now because I don't want to wait until Indonesia makes it legal. But because of that, I want to support people who are 'almost' be able to get married. Besides, it's really a harmless thing. What difference would it be to your life if your neighbour is married or not? You can still pretend they're roommates if you want to. But being married is crucial to them, it affects many aspects in their lives. Face it, the hullaballo of Prop 8 has nothing to do with 'traditional marriage', children wellbeing', much less 'sanctity of marriage'. It's simply a political force of an organized religion. They fear that if gay marriage is legal, people will question more about their dogmas and rules, and therefore makes them leaves their church. Again, it's based on fear. And it's totally political, not religious, because those people will not lose their faith. They will only move to churches who is more open-minded. For people with strongly political minds, it's dangerous.
I don't wish for a 100% vote for NO on 8. I just wish, since it's 2010 already, people would be wiser and learning well from history. It's not the first time that one minority group of people being bullied, and it won't be the last. If you don't stand up for them now, when it's your turn to be bullied, there'll be no one left to stand up for you.
Love or fear. It's your choice now.
Learning To Live
"When I woke up I was seventeen
You kissed my lips in a bad bad dream
Showed me things aren't what they appeared to be
Called me angel and set me free
You gave me life in the cold cold dark
But you ran away in the morning spark
Made me think that reality
Oh, is not where I wanna be
But I am what I am and I am what I am afraid of
So what am I afraid of
I need a fearless love, don't need to fear the end
If you can't hold me now, you will never hold me again
I wanna live my life, pursuing all my happiness
I want a fearless love, I won't settle for anything less"
When I listen to this song, I think of how much this song suits my life. It can even be the soundtrack to my teenage days. Like Melissa, I also 'woke up' when I was 17. Unlike her, it didn't happen in one day. Like the song, I met someone who opened up my world, someone who adored me and made me feel something I'd never felt before. Like in the song, she ran away once it's clear that we're more than friends.
You might have heard about 'I am what I am' in thousands of sayings or in songs. But have you ever heard about 'I am what I am afraid of'? It's so totally true. 'I am what I am' refer to having pride in who you are and what you do. But sometimes because of fear, you don't do what you're supposed to do, or you deny who you are. That's what 'I am what I am afraid of' means. I do love love love Melissa :DDD
I don't know if it's for the better or worse, but I am not what I was a year and a half ago. Ever since I knew Melissa, I learned not to let my feelings bottled up inside. For a while it was good. I know it's healthier and I don't have any problems with anyone cause I finished every disagreement right then and there. But for that one year I had to live with a very cancerous person, a person that for some reason always brought out the worst in me. I had to admit I went out of control often after that. I yelled and screamed and cried to my heart's content. It was good for me, I'm almost totally healed from whatever wound I had, because I let out all the anger, the sadness, and the hatred. I'm only sorry that the people around me couldn't do that no matter how I asked them to. My tantrum must have hurt them more.
I've found an example of a fearless love, I've found an example of the life I want to lead. I know it's the road less traveled. I know it's not easy and you can't just follow examples in real life. Even if you have all the same choices, the result may still vary. What I know is that this is my life, and if I want to live it to the fullest I can't let others get in the way. It can be selfish, it can be cruel, but for me, it's the best way. Others may want the best for me, doing things in my best interest, but what's the point if it's not what I need? What I need is just acceptance and support.
It's like a little kid running home with a drawing from school. She was so proud of her drawings, a pretty blue rose. She showed it to her mother, only to get scolded, "Roses are supposed to be red or white!! There's no such thing as a blue-colored roses! It's unnatural, an abomination!" How do you make someone proud of you, when all they're willing to see is a failure? How do you make them see that the blue-colored roses in this world are actually the rare and expensive kind and is very beautiful to many, when for them all roses which is not red or white are unnatural and weird?
For me, fearless love is all about making the choices that is true to my heart regardless of what others might say. I do have a dream, although it's not specific yet. I only know that I will stop at nothing to pursue that dream. And while I'm pursuing it, I'll just have fun. It's only life after all.
You kissed my lips in a bad bad dream
Showed me things aren't what they appeared to be
Called me angel and set me free
You gave me life in the cold cold dark
But you ran away in the morning spark
Made me think that reality
Oh, is not where I wanna be
But I am what I am and I am what I am afraid of
So what am I afraid of
I need a fearless love, don't need to fear the end
If you can't hold me now, you will never hold me again
I wanna live my life, pursuing all my happiness
I want a fearless love, I won't settle for anything less"
When I listen to this song, I think of how much this song suits my life. It can even be the soundtrack to my teenage days. Like Melissa, I also 'woke up' when I was 17. Unlike her, it didn't happen in one day. Like the song, I met someone who opened up my world, someone who adored me and made me feel something I'd never felt before. Like in the song, she ran away once it's clear that we're more than friends.
You might have heard about 'I am what I am' in thousands of sayings or in songs. But have you ever heard about 'I am what I am afraid of'? It's so totally true. 'I am what I am' refer to having pride in who you are and what you do. But sometimes because of fear, you don't do what you're supposed to do, or you deny who you are. That's what 'I am what I am afraid of' means. I do love love love Melissa :DDD
I don't know if it's for the better or worse, but I am not what I was a year and a half ago. Ever since I knew Melissa, I learned not to let my feelings bottled up inside. For a while it was good. I know it's healthier and I don't have any problems with anyone cause I finished every disagreement right then and there. But for that one year I had to live with a very cancerous person, a person that for some reason always brought out the worst in me. I had to admit I went out of control often after that. I yelled and screamed and cried to my heart's content. It was good for me, I'm almost totally healed from whatever wound I had, because I let out all the anger, the sadness, and the hatred. I'm only sorry that the people around me couldn't do that no matter how I asked them to. My tantrum must have hurt them more.
I've found an example of a fearless love, I've found an example of the life I want to lead. I know it's the road less traveled. I know it's not easy and you can't just follow examples in real life. Even if you have all the same choices, the result may still vary. What I know is that this is my life, and if I want to live it to the fullest I can't let others get in the way. It can be selfish, it can be cruel, but for me, it's the best way. Others may want the best for me, doing things in my best interest, but what's the point if it's not what I need? What I need is just acceptance and support.
It's like a little kid running home with a drawing from school. She was so proud of her drawings, a pretty blue rose. She showed it to her mother, only to get scolded, "Roses are supposed to be red or white!! There's no such thing as a blue-colored roses! It's unnatural, an abomination!" How do you make someone proud of you, when all they're willing to see is a failure? How do you make them see that the blue-colored roses in this world are actually the rare and expensive kind and is very beautiful to many, when for them all roses which is not red or white are unnatural and weird?
For me, fearless love is all about making the choices that is true to my heart regardless of what others might say. I do have a dream, although it's not specific yet. I only know that I will stop at nothing to pursue that dream. And while I'm pursuing it, I'll just have fun. It's only life after all.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Pride Day
Five years ago (I think), on January 5th, I came out for the first time to my best friend at that time. Until now I make January 5th my personal 'pride day'for no other reason than to remind myself to stay true to who I am - and this is not just about being gay, but about being me as a whole.
Well as coming out story goes, I already came out to myself three years before that (8 years ago... wow!). I didn't have a dramatic scene to that story. I didn't wake up one day, looked myself in the miror and though, "Wow, I'm just so gay!" The revelation was kinda smooth to me. It was through the diary I kept during my times with the first girl I've ever loved. Slowly I realized that my feelings for her was much more than a love between friends. Reading Xena fanfics helped me a lot with figuring out my feelings, and one of the fanfics actually dealed a lot with explanations about being gay. I'm so thankful that I found that book at the time, because it gave me a clear view of what I was going into. It said all the things that a confused teenager needs to hear, like, "God loves you just the way He made you", "You don't have to rush into labeling yourself", "Being gay doesn't define who you are, it's just one small part of you"... things like that. One of the characters in the book is Ryan. She is smart, kind, passionate, funny, strong... well, she's as perfect as a heroine could be, with a huge family who love and support each other unconditionally. I kinda take her as my mentor and I adopted her name, with the hope that I could be a woman like her.
I made peace with my God and my sexual orientation very much through the same way. I found another book, this one dealing with being gay and being religious. I was never a church-goer, but I was very religious back then. As much as I wanted to believe that God would love me just the way I am, my religion simply condemns it. The book helped me to see that there is a major difference between believing in God and believing in religion. When Melissa was confused about her sexuality, she went to church and asked her priest about it. She lived in a small town on the bible belt, yet it happened that the one priest answered her with, "There are probably some people in this church that would say that it's wrong for you to love another woman. That it's a sin. But I can't go along with them on that way of thinking. I can't believe that God would have invented a love that could be wrong." In my story, that translated into my religion teacher in high school. No, I didn't ask him right away if it's alright for me to be gay, but he taught me a lot about love. He taught me to think, to interpret the bible more than just the words written. Unlike the religion teacher I had in college, he asked us questions like, "Why do you think Jesus was born as a man and not a woman?" or "Where do you see God in your life?" Instead of teaching us that "God says this, you must do so", he asked, "Why do you think God says this? Why does He say this after He said that?" I went through a long journey of researching about God and gays after that and I've found my peace. I'm not as close to God as I was used to be, but that has nothing to do with my being gay. Truth is that I was closest to God when I was in love (with a woman), cause then I talked to Him more, wishing the best for her, hoping to get close to her, thanking Him for giving me a chance to meet her, etc.
Eight years and I still have no idea of what I should label myself. But now I know better. I don't know if I'm gay or bi or even straight, but I couldn't care less. I won't admire people just because they're gay. I won't support gay people who are jerks. I promise myself to prove that there are much more to me than my orientation.
Ps. To my friends who are in bad times right now, keep on believing that you deserve much more than that. It may not be today or tomorrow, but change will come and it'll set you free :D
You've never been to the moon but don't you wanna go
Under the sea in the volcano
You've never looked into my eyes but don't you wanna know
What the dark and the wild and the different know
There're some things in my life, I'll never understand
But they become the force that makes me who I am
Cause you live and you learn, and you learn to hold on
And time will make it heal, time will make it gone
Well as coming out story goes, I already came out to myself three years before that (8 years ago... wow!). I didn't have a dramatic scene to that story. I didn't wake up one day, looked myself in the miror and though, "Wow, I'm just so gay!" The revelation was kinda smooth to me. It was through the diary I kept during my times with the first girl I've ever loved. Slowly I realized that my feelings for her was much more than a love between friends. Reading Xena fanfics helped me a lot with figuring out my feelings, and one of the fanfics actually dealed a lot with explanations about being gay. I'm so thankful that I found that book at the time, because it gave me a clear view of what I was going into. It said all the things that a confused teenager needs to hear, like, "God loves you just the way He made you", "You don't have to rush into labeling yourself", "Being gay doesn't define who you are, it's just one small part of you"... things like that. One of the characters in the book is Ryan. She is smart, kind, passionate, funny, strong... well, she's as perfect as a heroine could be, with a huge family who love and support each other unconditionally. I kinda take her as my mentor and I adopted her name, with the hope that I could be a woman like her.
I made peace with my God and my sexual orientation very much through the same way. I found another book, this one dealing with being gay and being religious. I was never a church-goer, but I was very religious back then. As much as I wanted to believe that God would love me just the way I am, my religion simply condemns it. The book helped me to see that there is a major difference between believing in God and believing in religion. When Melissa was confused about her sexuality, she went to church and asked her priest about it. She lived in a small town on the bible belt, yet it happened that the one priest answered her with, "There are probably some people in this church that would say that it's wrong for you to love another woman. That it's a sin. But I can't go along with them on that way of thinking. I can't believe that God would have invented a love that could be wrong." In my story, that translated into my religion teacher in high school. No, I didn't ask him right away if it's alright for me to be gay, but he taught me a lot about love. He taught me to think, to interpret the bible more than just the words written. Unlike the religion teacher I had in college, he asked us questions like, "Why do you think Jesus was born as a man and not a woman?" or "Where do you see God in your life?" Instead of teaching us that "God says this, you must do so", he asked, "Why do you think God says this? Why does He say this after He said that?" I went through a long journey of researching about God and gays after that and I've found my peace. I'm not as close to God as I was used to be, but that has nothing to do with my being gay. Truth is that I was closest to God when I was in love (with a woman), cause then I talked to Him more, wishing the best for her, hoping to get close to her, thanking Him for giving me a chance to meet her, etc.
Eight years and I still have no idea of what I should label myself. But now I know better. I don't know if I'm gay or bi or even straight, but I couldn't care less. I won't admire people just because they're gay. I won't support gay people who are jerks. I promise myself to prove that there are much more to me than my orientation.
Ps. To my friends who are in bad times right now, keep on believing that you deserve much more than that. It may not be today or tomorrow, but change will come and it'll set you free :D
You've never been to the moon but don't you wanna go
Under the sea in the volcano
You've never looked into my eyes but don't you wanna know
What the dark and the wild and the different know
There're some things in my life, I'll never understand
But they become the force that makes me who I am
Cause you live and you learn, and you learn to hold on
And time will make it heal, time will make it gone
Monday, December 28, 2009
Stupid Rantings
If loving you is to suffer
then by your side I will stay
until it reaches your heart someday
You are the light that has guided me down this road, never to lose my way again
Make me your shadow so that anywhere you may go
I'll be there to protect you and I'll be there to hold you
Baby can't you see I may not be the best there is
I can only offer you my heart
and a vow for never be apart
You are the life I've been searching on forever
Somewhere to rest my mind
And a place to call home
The first two lines of this lyric is a plagiat from other song (even though it's in Japanese so technically it's not a plagiat, rite?). Well, either way it's one of my favorite song by me. Heh heh. And I'm just feeling like bragging. Haha. Kidding. Nah, it's because I remember about my 2nd love today because of a coincidence. The girl's initial is DN. Today a guest came to my station and she asked me for some help considering a gift to her client. She was pretty and she looked a bit like DN, so I noticed her right away. Then I asked her for her name, and damn, believe it or not her name was D. Later on, I asked her to whom the gift was given. The answer is to a woman named N. I couldn't help but grinning like an idiot the rest of the day. Well, it's more like a bittersweet smile than a grin, but I felt a little bit giddy from that coincidence. Part of what made me so much in love with DN in the past was the intriguing connection between us. We got sick at the same time (it wasn't flu season), there was a blackout the moment she walked into the room where I was, I talked to her in my mind and she actually did what I said (it was freaky to me, actually), heck, I met her on the first day of the turning point in my life! I'm a very romantic person, and honestly, all those coincidences would be great for a book or a movie. It felt like she was destined to be mine. Alas that's not the case. Life's not that easy, huh?
When I wrote the first verse of this song, she was the one who popped up in my head. I knew if I were a man, I'd have been the perfect man for her. I loved her first. I watched closely as she grew from a worm into a butterfly, but I'm the one who was in love with her when she was still a worm.
I'm still not giving up. I still believe in a happy ever after, I still believe in a love that lasts forever. I still want this: http://ryanverse.blogspot.com/2007/04/what-makes-family-family.html, as much as I wanted it two years ago. The only difference is that I used to say that I Want To Be In Love... now I know that I need a Fearless Love. Hihihi :D
then by your side I will stay
until it reaches your heart someday
You are the light that has guided me down this road, never to lose my way again
Make me your shadow so that anywhere you may go
I'll be there to protect you and I'll be there to hold you
Baby can't you see I may not be the best there is
I can only offer you my heart
and a vow for never be apart
You are the life I've been searching on forever
Somewhere to rest my mind
And a place to call home
The first two lines of this lyric is a plagiat from other song (even though it's in Japanese so technically it's not a plagiat, rite?). Well, either way it's one of my favorite song by me. Heh heh. And I'm just feeling like bragging. Haha. Kidding. Nah, it's because I remember about my 2nd love today because of a coincidence. The girl's initial is DN. Today a guest came to my station and she asked me for some help considering a gift to her client. She was pretty and she looked a bit like DN, so I noticed her right away. Then I asked her for her name, and damn, believe it or not her name was D. Later on, I asked her to whom the gift was given. The answer is to a woman named N. I couldn't help but grinning like an idiot the rest of the day. Well, it's more like a bittersweet smile than a grin, but I felt a little bit giddy from that coincidence. Part of what made me so much in love with DN in the past was the intriguing connection between us. We got sick at the same time (it wasn't flu season), there was a blackout the moment she walked into the room where I was, I talked to her in my mind and she actually did what I said (it was freaky to me, actually), heck, I met her on the first day of the turning point in my life! I'm a very romantic person, and honestly, all those coincidences would be great for a book or a movie. It felt like she was destined to be mine. Alas that's not the case. Life's not that easy, huh?
When I wrote the first verse of this song, she was the one who popped up in my head. I knew if I were a man, I'd have been the perfect man for her. I loved her first. I watched closely as she grew from a worm into a butterfly, but I'm the one who was in love with her when she was still a worm.
I'm still not giving up. I still believe in a happy ever after, I still believe in a love that lasts forever. I still want this: http://ryanverse.blogspot.com/2007/04/what-makes-family-family.html, as much as I wanted it two years ago. The only difference is that I used to say that I Want To Be In Love... now I know that I need a Fearless Love. Hihihi :D
Monday, December 14, 2009
Prophecy
Well, not exactly a prophecy. More like fortune-telling. And I didn't ask, actually. She asked me about my birthdate and the exact time. When I told her, she told me that I'm still single because although lots of people like me, when I response to them, they will step back. The same thing happens with the people I like. When they finally response to me, I will lose interest to them.
I'm never one to really believe in fortune telling or prophecy, but when it holds some truth to my situation or my history, I'll remember it. In this case, I later figured that my birth-time was actually in pm, not am, so the fortune-telling is actually not correct, but strangely, I think this one is truer to my condition. I always believed that at a time, my first love was in love with me more than as a friend, but at that time I thought of her only as my best friend. I was smitten with some other girl. Then I slowly recognized her, beooming closer to her, and then, suddenly she ran away from me. Believe it or not, we turned from best friends to strangers in one-day time, with nothing important happened. We didn't have a fight, we didn't have an argument, she just suddenly pulled herself away from me and cause I was hurt, I gave her a cold shoulder too. Anyway, it did happen often. With my second crush, I did make a move, she wouldn't make a response. Then when she made the move, I was too scared to be hopeful. Also with the girl I met in Holland... she was perfect, but then we fell into that push-pull trap. Until now I never really know what she thinks of me. She was kind, so maybe she said it all out of kindness, but we ever had a kind of 'date'. Well, if you can call walking dogs together in a park as a 'date'. For me, it is. There were only her and me. We talked about everything at all. And she said she had a good time, that she liked it, and she extended the invitation. I have no idea why I never called her to the third 'date'. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was fate... but she remembered those times after almost one year with almost no contact. By then I was angry with her, though (for a different problem).
Well I have no idea if what is said is true or not, but I do realize that somehow, although I want love so much, I fear it. Don't ask me why, it's not like I've been dumped or anything. Maybe it's simply the fear of facing something new. I've never been in an official relationship, and as often as I said to myself that I could always bail out of a relationship that doesn't work, I look at a relationship as critically as I would a marriage. That's stupid, but that's the truth.
Oh well, reciprocated or not, being in love is fun. It inspires me to be a better person, it inspires me in writing songs, and it makes me feel alive. Right now I think I'd better be focused on my work. Actually it would be better to fall in love with someone at work this time around, coz I really hate that job, but there's no one at the moment that intrigues me. And you know what? It feels like Melissa could hear my prayer, she just released her single 'Fearless Love' for her fans club. I haven't heard the song, but really, her lyrics talk to me:
I want to live my life
Pursuing my happiness
I want a fearless love
I won't settle for anything less
I'm never one to really believe in fortune telling or prophecy, but when it holds some truth to my situation or my history, I'll remember it. In this case, I later figured that my birth-time was actually in pm, not am, so the fortune-telling is actually not correct, but strangely, I think this one is truer to my condition. I always believed that at a time, my first love was in love with me more than as a friend, but at that time I thought of her only as my best friend. I was smitten with some other girl. Then I slowly recognized her, beooming closer to her, and then, suddenly she ran away from me. Believe it or not, we turned from best friends to strangers in one-day time, with nothing important happened. We didn't have a fight, we didn't have an argument, she just suddenly pulled herself away from me and cause I was hurt, I gave her a cold shoulder too. Anyway, it did happen often. With my second crush, I did make a move, she wouldn't make a response. Then when she made the move, I was too scared to be hopeful. Also with the girl I met in Holland... she was perfect, but then we fell into that push-pull trap. Until now I never really know what she thinks of me. She was kind, so maybe she said it all out of kindness, but we ever had a kind of 'date'. Well, if you can call walking dogs together in a park as a 'date'. For me, it is. There were only her and me. We talked about everything at all. And she said she had a good time, that she liked it, and she extended the invitation. I have no idea why I never called her to the third 'date'. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was fate... but she remembered those times after almost one year with almost no contact. By then I was angry with her, though (for a different problem).
Well I have no idea if what is said is true or not, but I do realize that somehow, although I want love so much, I fear it. Don't ask me why, it's not like I've been dumped or anything. Maybe it's simply the fear of facing something new. I've never been in an official relationship, and as often as I said to myself that I could always bail out of a relationship that doesn't work, I look at a relationship as critically as I would a marriage. That's stupid, but that's the truth.
Oh well, reciprocated or not, being in love is fun. It inspires me to be a better person, it inspires me in writing songs, and it makes me feel alive. Right now I think I'd better be focused on my work. Actually it would be better to fall in love with someone at work this time around, coz I really hate that job, but there's no one at the moment that intrigues me. And you know what? It feels like Melissa could hear my prayer, she just released her single 'Fearless Love' for her fans club. I haven't heard the song, but really, her lyrics talk to me:
I want to live my life
Pursuing my happiness
I want a fearless love
I won't settle for anything less
Thursday, November 26, 2009
A Gay(ish) Thanksgiving
Actually, I've never really known the history of thanksgiving. (I know I can google it, but well, I don't care about its origin much.) But I know about being thankful, and maybe it's what got me through the hard times in my life. I'm thankful for lots of things everyday, but it's nice to have a special day to count my blessings.
The gayish thing is actually only accidentally, because these two days near thankgiving someone happened to mention something about gay people (and therefore reminds me of being gay). One was when a co-worker of mine pointed out that someone is gay. He just said it out of the blue and I really had no idea what brought it up. He reffered to the gay guy as 'sick', but when I told him jokingly (and sarcastically, as a matter of fact) that he shouldn't go near him so that he wouldn't be 'infected' by the 'sickness', my friend didn't look happy at all. I don't know if his stand on gay issues, but I think he's one of those people who thinks that gay people are crazy/sick, but it's okay to be friends with them. Today another co-worker of mine brought up the gay issue again when I mentioned that I was in the Netherlands last year. She said, "Oh, isn't that where gay marriages are legal?" Again, I didn't pursue the issue further so I don't know where she stands on the issue, but she doesn't add any disgusted commentary so I take that as a good sign. I would love to be out at work like some of my co-workers, but the fact that I work with a family member makes it impossible. I have no problem being out among strangers, but having to face my family... well, I haven't had enough motivation to do that. I have a massive numbers of families who loves to stuck their noses in other people's business, and it ain't fun, although sometimes it's useful.
Anyway, it's not a time to complain about things, it's time to be thankful. So here are the things and people I'm thankful for.
1. I'm thankful for my family, both the biological and the non-biological ones.
2. I'm thankful for my health both physically and mentally.
3. I'm thankful for my beautiful hometown which I love more than any other place on earth.
4. I'm thankful for my friends who bring joy into my life.
5. I'm thankful for Xena & Ryan who taught me to accept myself as I am and be proud of who I am.
6. I'm thankful for 22, my crush for four years who made me do things I never dreamed I could, and even though I didn't get her I got to improve myself to be who I am today.
7. I'm thankful for Melissa, who amazes me daily with her music and herself, and to remind me to always be strong, speak true, and spread the peace.
8. I'm thankful for Ellen, who brings laughter to my life when I needed it most, and still continue to make me laugh. I'm also thankful that she brings such a positive visibility to gay women everywhere.
9. I'm thankful for beautiful couples that I adore, for they give me hope that soulmates really do exist and that I could build a beautiful family with the woman of my dream.
10. I'm thankful for the ability to be thankful and content. I've seen successful people who were ambisious and always wanting more - yes, they are rich and famous and everything, but they're never satisfied and therefore they're never really happy.
Above all I think I have to give thanks for love, for being the force to defeat fear, for being the source of hope and peace, for being the roots of all that is good. Happy thanksgiving y'all!
The gayish thing is actually only accidentally, because these two days near thankgiving someone happened to mention something about gay people (and therefore reminds me of being gay). One was when a co-worker of mine pointed out that someone is gay. He just said it out of the blue and I really had no idea what brought it up. He reffered to the gay guy as 'sick', but when I told him jokingly (and sarcastically, as a matter of fact) that he shouldn't go near him so that he wouldn't be 'infected' by the 'sickness', my friend didn't look happy at all. I don't know if his stand on gay issues, but I think he's one of those people who thinks that gay people are crazy/sick, but it's okay to be friends with them. Today another co-worker of mine brought up the gay issue again when I mentioned that I was in the Netherlands last year. She said, "Oh, isn't that where gay marriages are legal?" Again, I didn't pursue the issue further so I don't know where she stands on the issue, but she doesn't add any disgusted commentary so I take that as a good sign. I would love to be out at work like some of my co-workers, but the fact that I work with a family member makes it impossible. I have no problem being out among strangers, but having to face my family... well, I haven't had enough motivation to do that. I have a massive numbers of families who loves to stuck their noses in other people's business, and it ain't fun, although sometimes it's useful.
Anyway, it's not a time to complain about things, it's time to be thankful. So here are the things and people I'm thankful for.
1. I'm thankful for my family, both the biological and the non-biological ones.
2. I'm thankful for my health both physically and mentally.
3. I'm thankful for my beautiful hometown which I love more than any other place on earth.
4. I'm thankful for my friends who bring joy into my life.
5. I'm thankful for Xena & Ryan who taught me to accept myself as I am and be proud of who I am.
6. I'm thankful for 22, my crush for four years who made me do things I never dreamed I could, and even though I didn't get her I got to improve myself to be who I am today.
7. I'm thankful for Melissa, who amazes me daily with her music and herself, and to remind me to always be strong, speak true, and spread the peace.
8. I'm thankful for Ellen, who brings laughter to my life when I needed it most, and still continue to make me laugh. I'm also thankful that she brings such a positive visibility to gay women everywhere.
9. I'm thankful for beautiful couples that I adore, for they give me hope that soulmates really do exist and that I could build a beautiful family with the woman of my dream.
10. I'm thankful for the ability to be thankful and content. I've seen successful people who were ambisious and always wanting more - yes, they are rich and famous and everything, but they're never satisfied and therefore they're never really happy.
Above all I think I have to give thanks for love, for being the force to defeat fear, for being the source of hope and peace, for being the roots of all that is good. Happy thanksgiving y'all!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Men in My Life
Haha. Surprised by the title, huh?
It's at times like this that I really considering bisexuality. I have to admit, I've never really known my feelings towards men. All I know is that in the first 23 years of my life I've never really fallen in love with a guy. I know exactly that I have deep attraction and I connect excellently to women, but although I have some attraction to men, I never really connect with them emotionally. Sexually, I think I'm okay with both men and women, but I won't be able to be intimate with someone I don't love, so unless there's a man who can make me fall in love with him, it's not even a question. So, I'm gonna have to leave it to you whether to label me as a lesbian or a bisexual.
There are only two men whom I had feelings for early in my life, well, actually at that time they're just boys (and pretty boys at that). One in elementary school and one in junior high. And by pure coincidence I met both of them tonight. Nothing much, really. No sparks, no flirting, no anything. But it made me think back of the time when I thought I was in love with them. The one in elementary school wasn't much of a memory for me, and he was really more like a butch girl back then. But the one from junior high was probably the first person ever to be attracted to me. And we did have some history, however awkward it was. It wasn't until I fell hopelessly in love with a girl in senior high school that I understand the difference of loving someone and simply having a crush or admiring someone.
If I'm asked whether I'm bisexual or gay, I would probably say I'm gay. After all, there were only those two guys I remember in my life, while there would be about ten girls I've ever had a crush on, and I was really in love with three of them. But personally, I choose to not label myself. In the end, I would only end up with one person, rite? If that person is a woman, then it doesn't matter if I say I'm bi or gay, people would still call me a lesbian. If that person is a man then I'll be spared from the burden of coming out, though until now I have no idea if any man at all can make me fall in love with him, much less marrying him. Hh, I really have no idea why people always say that being gay is a choice. If it's a choice, of course I will happily choose to be straight. It's a hell lot easier!
It's at times like this that I really considering bisexuality. I have to admit, I've never really known my feelings towards men. All I know is that in the first 23 years of my life I've never really fallen in love with a guy. I know exactly that I have deep attraction and I connect excellently to women, but although I have some attraction to men, I never really connect with them emotionally. Sexually, I think I'm okay with both men and women, but I won't be able to be intimate with someone I don't love, so unless there's a man who can make me fall in love with him, it's not even a question. So, I'm gonna have to leave it to you whether to label me as a lesbian or a bisexual.
There are only two men whom I had feelings for early in my life, well, actually at that time they're just boys (and pretty boys at that). One in elementary school and one in junior high. And by pure coincidence I met both of them tonight. Nothing much, really. No sparks, no flirting, no anything. But it made me think back of the time when I thought I was in love with them. The one in elementary school wasn't much of a memory for me, and he was really more like a butch girl back then. But the one from junior high was probably the first person ever to be attracted to me. And we did have some history, however awkward it was. It wasn't until I fell hopelessly in love with a girl in senior high school that I understand the difference of loving someone and simply having a crush or admiring someone.
If I'm asked whether I'm bisexual or gay, I would probably say I'm gay. After all, there were only those two guys I remember in my life, while there would be about ten girls I've ever had a crush on, and I was really in love with three of them. But personally, I choose to not label myself. In the end, I would only end up with one person, rite? If that person is a woman, then it doesn't matter if I say I'm bi or gay, people would still call me a lesbian. If that person is a man then I'll be spared from the burden of coming out, though until now I have no idea if any man at all can make me fall in love with him, much less marrying him. Hh, I really have no idea why people always say that being gay is a choice. If it's a choice, of course I will happily choose to be straight. It's a hell lot easier!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
My Choice
I came out again, this time in a mass coming out. I don't like it. It wasn't in the coming out itself. I'm already comfortable enough in who I am that telling people some surprising fact about me isn't that big a deal. It's the process. Git used to be my best friend and this is actually not how I envisioned coming out to her. But this is not all about me - we wanted to do it as a group - so I played along and did it anyway. The thing is that it got so awkward because of bad timing (but if we waited any longer than we wouldn't be able to come out) and that Cae wasn't fully aware that we were going to come out that night. And boy, aren't they so clueless. Even after Zhou said, "I'm bi" they still hadn't had a clue. I think we should've just blurted out, "Hey, you know what? We're homosexuals." There. What I hate most about the process was the questioning. It allllllllllllways came after the coming out process. I have had 'the interview' more times than I did the coming out because I have that interview everytime I tell my friends that Melissa is gay. I can always tell the level of someone's open-mindedness just by the way they do 'the questioning'.
Anwyay, I read Zhou's blog today and it made me think of 'coming out' itself. I'm a firm believer in 'live and let live' concept, and coming out is a part of that for me. I would like to refer to a comment on that post about not forcing someone into coming out and the 'don't ask don't tell' concept. I hate the 'don't ask don't tell' concept, because, well, where's the freedom of speech in that? The 'don't ask' may prevent many of us from having to lie, but the 'don't tell' will cause me some suffocation. Like my stand in most political/controversial matters (i.e. abortion, polygamy, interracial/intercultural/interreligion marriage, sex before marriage, UU APP, etc), I'm highly pro choice. For me personally abortion is not a choice, I'd always suggest divorce before polygamy, and I won't wear bikini to a mall in a million years, but I'd like for everyone to have their choice, because not everyone think and feel like the way I do, right? So it's no surprise that I despise 'don't ask don't tell' in US military. But I highly agree in not forcing someone to come out. The only reason I was looking at Cae the way I did when we came out was because I thought he understood we were going to to mass coming out but he chickened out. Later I realized that wasn't the case. Anyway, until someone actually come out by themselves, I will assume nothing of them. Well, maybe only in my mind, but that's it. Even when I knew they're gay but they stated that they're straight in public, well it's their choice and it's not my place to ruin their stand. It's only if they're gay but posing as straight and then they do something to harm the gay community that I would do something with my knowledge.
For me coming out is one way to know my true friend. It's one of the blessings I've received for being gay. I don't intend to test their loyalty to me, but I can tell how much someone like or love me just by their actions after I come out to them. Granted, my experince is limited because I usually hit people with bullets before I actually dropped the bomb (aka, I usually drop hints before I actually come out), but eh, their reactions still vary. Some people treat me the same after I come out but they flinch everytime I talk about girls, some never bought it up again and told me that they will pray that I'll be healed, some expressed their disgust but continued to grill me about it in fascination, some responded to my coming out by coming out, and some couldn't believe I'm gay. D'oh. I hate the last response the most. When I decided to come out to someone I prepared myself for the worse, prepared myself anyhow they would react and even their leaving me. And then when I finally did, BAM, they wouldn't believe me. Gah. I've experienced that even as a Catholic. Some of my friends couldn't remember that I'm a Catholic because they said I looked more like a Buddhist. Gah again. I know I don't have tattoos or piercings, I can't hold my alcohol, I'm kinda shy and reserved in front of people I don't know, I have a curfew by 6 p.m, etc. In short, I don't look like a lesbian nor that I have the attitude of one. Hm... I wonder if I can actually be accepted in the lesbian community. It sucks a lot because I feel like an outsider in my circle of straight friends when they start talking about boys, yet when I finally find a community of 'outsiders', I also feel like an outsider. It's much like my 'Chinese-Indonesian' identity, in which Indonesian people say I'm Chinese and Chinese people say I'm Indonesian.
Then again there are some people who make me chant, "Come out, come out, come out wherever you are." I'm guilty for that, though well, I don't threat and I can't actually say it to their faces. It's the celebrities and the famous. Well tell me how many of you feel grateful for Martina, kd, Melissa, Indigo Girls, and Ellen during their time and maybe Jodie Foster, Lindsay, Rachel Maddow, Tegan and Sara nowadays? I don't know much about the gay boys but maybe for you it's Elton John, Neil Pattrick Harris, Clay Aiken, Adam Lambert and Dumby - oops - Dumbledore? Or maybe it's shows like Xena, QAF, and The L Word, South of Nowhere, which have massive gay followers? Either way, I'm thankful to US entertainment for giving me a sense of visibility, and much before that a feeling that I'm not alone. Looking at Ellen and Melissa give me the pride of being who I am, because they don't look like a lesbian either, do they? And Melissa gives me an insight of what I'd like my future family to be like. But it's still their choice too because they are the ones who will put their career on danger. I will admire any Indonesian celebrity who come out publicly, because it won't be only their career, it will be their lives too that they put on risk. Even Ellen, who is generally so lovable, received a death threat for that. And the gay community is so diverse you'll never satisfy the whole community. For some Ellen was their hero, but some other thought she wasn't gay enough and the other thought she was too gay. Now try to define that! Ha.
Anyway, I think coming out is important, for visibility as well as feeling accepted as a whole. Even now, when I talk to some of my friends I keep wondering if they would still like me if they know I'm gay. But I've made my decision years ago that I wouldn't deny who I am when asked bluntly but I also wouldn't shout it on top of the mountain. It's not because I'm ashamed of who I am, but because there is no straight people who has ever come out, is there? For me being gay is merely a part of me which is personal, and there is no use to flaunt it out without purpose. I think when I have a girlfriend I will be put out of the closet automatically anyway. Haha. Oh, and a bit of advice for baby dykes and other gay newbies out there: coming out is addictive, be sure you only take a healthy dossage of it. Coming out to the wrong people or at the wrong time can really drag your life down. But taken properly, it can help you be comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. Good luck and good for you, you're gay. ;D
Anwyay, I read Zhou's blog today and it made me think of 'coming out' itself. I'm a firm believer in 'live and let live' concept, and coming out is a part of that for me. I would like to refer to a comment on that post about not forcing someone into coming out and the 'don't ask don't tell' concept. I hate the 'don't ask don't tell' concept, because, well, where's the freedom of speech in that? The 'don't ask' may prevent many of us from having to lie, but the 'don't tell' will cause me some suffocation. Like my stand in most political/controversial matters (i.e. abortion, polygamy, interracial/intercultural/interreligion marriage, sex before marriage, UU APP, etc), I'm highly pro choice. For me personally abortion is not a choice, I'd always suggest divorce before polygamy, and I won't wear bikini to a mall in a million years, but I'd like for everyone to have their choice, because not everyone think and feel like the way I do, right? So it's no surprise that I despise 'don't ask don't tell' in US military. But I highly agree in not forcing someone to come out. The only reason I was looking at Cae the way I did when we came out was because I thought he understood we were going to to mass coming out but he chickened out. Later I realized that wasn't the case. Anyway, until someone actually come out by themselves, I will assume nothing of them. Well, maybe only in my mind, but that's it. Even when I knew they're gay but they stated that they're straight in public, well it's their choice and it's not my place to ruin their stand. It's only if they're gay but posing as straight and then they do something to harm the gay community that I would do something with my knowledge.
For me coming out is one way to know my true friend. It's one of the blessings I've received for being gay. I don't intend to test their loyalty to me, but I can tell how much someone like or love me just by their actions after I come out to them. Granted, my experince is limited because I usually hit people with bullets before I actually dropped the bomb (aka, I usually drop hints before I actually come out), but eh, their reactions still vary. Some people treat me the same after I come out but they flinch everytime I talk about girls, some never bought it up again and told me that they will pray that I'll be healed, some expressed their disgust but continued to grill me about it in fascination, some responded to my coming out by coming out, and some couldn't believe I'm gay. D'oh. I hate the last response the most. When I decided to come out to someone I prepared myself for the worse, prepared myself anyhow they would react and even their leaving me. And then when I finally did, BAM, they wouldn't believe me. Gah. I've experienced that even as a Catholic. Some of my friends couldn't remember that I'm a Catholic because they said I looked more like a Buddhist. Gah again. I know I don't have tattoos or piercings, I can't hold my alcohol, I'm kinda shy and reserved in front of people I don't know, I have a curfew by 6 p.m, etc. In short, I don't look like a lesbian nor that I have the attitude of one. Hm... I wonder if I can actually be accepted in the lesbian community. It sucks a lot because I feel like an outsider in my circle of straight friends when they start talking about boys, yet when I finally find a community of 'outsiders', I also feel like an outsider. It's much like my 'Chinese-Indonesian' identity, in which Indonesian people say I'm Chinese and Chinese people say I'm Indonesian.
Then again there are some people who make me chant, "Come out, come out, come out wherever you are." I'm guilty for that, though well, I don't threat and I can't actually say it to their faces. It's the celebrities and the famous. Well tell me how many of you feel grateful for Martina, kd, Melissa, Indigo Girls, and Ellen during their time and maybe Jodie Foster, Lindsay, Rachel Maddow, Tegan and Sara nowadays? I don't know much about the gay boys but maybe for you it's Elton John, Neil Pattrick Harris, Clay Aiken, Adam Lambert and Dumby - oops - Dumbledore? Or maybe it's shows like Xena, QAF, and The L Word, South of Nowhere, which have massive gay followers? Either way, I'm thankful to US entertainment for giving me a sense of visibility, and much before that a feeling that I'm not alone. Looking at Ellen and Melissa give me the pride of being who I am, because they don't look like a lesbian either, do they? And Melissa gives me an insight of what I'd like my future family to be like. But it's still their choice too because they are the ones who will put their career on danger. I will admire any Indonesian celebrity who come out publicly, because it won't be only their career, it will be their lives too that they put on risk. Even Ellen, who is generally so lovable, received a death threat for that. And the gay community is so diverse you'll never satisfy the whole community. For some Ellen was their hero, but some other thought she wasn't gay enough and the other thought she was too gay. Now try to define that! Ha.
Anyway, I think coming out is important, for visibility as well as feeling accepted as a whole. Even now, when I talk to some of my friends I keep wondering if they would still like me if they know I'm gay. But I've made my decision years ago that I wouldn't deny who I am when asked bluntly but I also wouldn't shout it on top of the mountain. It's not because I'm ashamed of who I am, but because there is no straight people who has ever come out, is there? For me being gay is merely a part of me which is personal, and there is no use to flaunt it out without purpose. I think when I have a girlfriend I will be put out of the closet automatically anyway. Haha. Oh, and a bit of advice for baby dykes and other gay newbies out there: coming out is addictive, be sure you only take a healthy dossage of it. Coming out to the wrong people or at the wrong time can really drag your life down. But taken properly, it can help you be comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. Good luck and good for you, you're gay. ;D
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
God Help The Outcast
I'll let the lyrics speak my mind. This is the OST of The Hunchback of Notredame, in case you don't know, and it is one of my favorite songs for alltime. Just change a few words and it's practically a gay hymne, but I love it even as it is.
I don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there
I don't know if you would listen to a gypsy's prayer
I know I'm just an outcast, I shouldn't speak to you
But still I look at your face and wonder, were you once an outcast too
God help the outcast, hungry from birth
Show them the mercy they don't find on earth
God help my people, we look to you still
God help the outcast, or nobody will
(I ask for gold, I ask for fame
I ask for glory to shine on my name
I ask for love I can possess
I ask for God and His angels to bless me)
I ask for nothing, I can get by
But I know so many less lucky than I
God help the outcast, the poor and downthrod
I thought we all were the children of God
Needlessly said, after this song I had quite a crush on Esmeralda for some time. :p
I don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there
I don't know if you would listen to a gypsy's prayer
I know I'm just an outcast, I shouldn't speak to you
But still I look at your face and wonder, were you once an outcast too
God help the outcast, hungry from birth
Show them the mercy they don't find on earth
God help my people, we look to you still
God help the outcast, or nobody will
(I ask for gold, I ask for fame
I ask for glory to shine on my name
I ask for love I can possess
I ask for God and His angels to bless me)
I ask for nothing, I can get by
But I know so many less lucky than I
God help the outcast, the poor and downthrod
I thought we all were the children of God
Needlessly said, after this song I had quite a crush on Esmeralda for some time. :p
Monday, July 06, 2009
The Arrogant Kinda Love
I'm a firm believer that love is never wrong. But there are actually lots of negative kinds of love, the kinds that can actually harm somebody else. Possesive love being the most common one, I think. In Indonesia, though, I think the arrogant kind of love is even more common.
I hate when people say to me, "I did it for your own good." or, "I'm only trying to do the best for you." For me that's so arrogant. Who can decide what's best for me but me? Many people around me do that occasionally, especially my parents and their siblings, although there is this one person who does that to me too many times that she became a kind of terrorist in my life. I know my parents and my families love me so much and they care about my well-being, and that's why they try to lead me to the 'right' way. I know sometimes love can be so blind that they cannot see how unhappy I become once I follow their paths. I would try to tell them, explain to them about my unhappiness, and most of the times my parents and families would listen. Except for that one particular person.
My cases aren't so extreme. I think most people would understand my confusion because most parents do that to their children. Mostly it's about having to get good grades at school, or choosing subject of study, or even choosing friends. I'm not a parent yet, but I can imagine how tiring it is to take care of children's well-being, to shape their characters to the best possible, to teach them manners and morals, etc. I can understand how busy they are with trying to give their children the best that they forget to ask what their children actually need or want. I can understand that no matter how mature I feel about myself, to my parents I'll always be a little girl. The only way I know how to solve that problem is by communicating how I feel to my parents. Some people are willing to listen. But some others are just plain deaf to anybody else's reasoning.
Some extreme cases can be found in the gay community. There are parents who send their children directly to a doctor after finding out that they're gay, or worse yet, to radical churches or 'pesantren' who claim that they can 'heal' homosexuality. Those parents don't realize, they just fed their children to the devil himself. The worst case I know happens in South Africa, where parents and families agree or even help with 'corrective rape' to heal their daughters or sisters from lesbianism. I have no idea how they felt as their parents and families' "We do this because we love you" speeches.
I, too, don't know what to do with this love-hate-guilt feeling. How am I suppossed to react to that kind of love, actually? I know she loves me to death and I know how much I hurt her by practically cutting all contacts with her. There is so much guilt I felt later, but I really don't know what to do. I despise people who think that their way is the best way. I despise it more when those people try to force their way to me. But what am I suppossed to do when they say that they do it in the name of love?
I hate when people say to me, "I did it for your own good." or, "I'm only trying to do the best for you." For me that's so arrogant. Who can decide what's best for me but me? Many people around me do that occasionally, especially my parents and their siblings, although there is this one person who does that to me too many times that she became a kind of terrorist in my life. I know my parents and my families love me so much and they care about my well-being, and that's why they try to lead me to the 'right' way. I know sometimes love can be so blind that they cannot see how unhappy I become once I follow their paths. I would try to tell them, explain to them about my unhappiness, and most of the times my parents and families would listen. Except for that one particular person.
My cases aren't so extreme. I think most people would understand my confusion because most parents do that to their children. Mostly it's about having to get good grades at school, or choosing subject of study, or even choosing friends. I'm not a parent yet, but I can imagine how tiring it is to take care of children's well-being, to shape their characters to the best possible, to teach them manners and morals, etc. I can understand how busy they are with trying to give their children the best that they forget to ask what their children actually need or want. I can understand that no matter how mature I feel about myself, to my parents I'll always be a little girl. The only way I know how to solve that problem is by communicating how I feel to my parents. Some people are willing to listen. But some others are just plain deaf to anybody else's reasoning.
Some extreme cases can be found in the gay community. There are parents who send their children directly to a doctor after finding out that they're gay, or worse yet, to radical churches or 'pesantren' who claim that they can 'heal' homosexuality. Those parents don't realize, they just fed their children to the devil himself. The worst case I know happens in South Africa, where parents and families agree or even help with 'corrective rape' to heal their daughters or sisters from lesbianism. I have no idea how they felt as their parents and families' "We do this because we love you" speeches.
I, too, don't know what to do with this love-hate-guilt feeling. How am I suppossed to react to that kind of love, actually? I know she loves me to death and I know how much I hurt her by practically cutting all contacts with her. There is so much guilt I felt later, but I really don't know what to do. I despise people who think that their way is the best way. I despise it more when those people try to force their way to me. But what am I suppossed to do when they say that they do it in the name of love?
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Poop Study
I've just received a certificate from a poop expert that I am well versed in eating (and pooping) habits of zebra, giraffe, and ostrich. Oh the wonder of internet. Lol. (http://whopooped.org)
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