Saturday, January 30, 2010

Learning To Live

"When I woke up I was seventeen
You kissed my lips in a bad bad dream
Showed me things aren't what they appeared to be
Called me angel and set me free

You gave me life in the cold cold dark
But you ran away in the morning spark
Made me think that reality
Oh, is not where I wanna be

But I am what I am and I am what I am afraid of
So what am I afraid of

I need a fearless love, don't need to fear the end
If you can't hold me now, you will never hold me again
I wanna live my life, pursuing all my happiness
I want a fearless love, I won't settle for anything less"

When I listen to this song, I think of how much this song suits my life. It can even be the soundtrack to my teenage days. Like Melissa, I also 'woke up' when I was 17. Unlike her, it didn't happen in one day. Like the song, I met someone who opened up my world, someone who adored me and made me feel something I'd never felt before. Like in the song, she ran away once it's clear that we're more than friends.

You might have heard about 'I am what I am' in thousands of sayings or in songs. But have you ever heard about 'I am what I am afraid of'? It's so totally true. 'I am what I am' refer to having pride in who you are and what you do. But sometimes because of fear, you don't do what you're supposed to do, or you deny who you are. That's what 'I am what I am afraid of' means. I do love love love Melissa :DDD

I don't know if it's for the better or worse, but I am not what I was a year and a half ago. Ever since I knew Melissa, I learned not to let my feelings bottled up inside. For a while it was good. I know it's healthier and I don't have any problems with anyone cause I finished every disagreement right then and there. But for that one year I had to live with a very cancerous person, a person that for some reason always brought out the worst in me. I had to admit I went out of control often after that. I yelled and screamed and cried to my heart's content. It was good for me, I'm almost totally healed from whatever wound I had, because I let out all the anger, the sadness, and the hatred. I'm only sorry that the people around me couldn't do that no matter how I asked them to. My tantrum must have hurt them more.

I've found an example of a fearless love, I've found an example of the life I want to lead. I know it's the road less traveled. I know it's not easy and you can't just follow examples in real life. Even if you have all the same choices, the result may still vary. What I know is that this is my life, and if I want to live it to the fullest I can't let others get in the way. It can be selfish, it can be cruel, but for me, it's the best way. Others may want the best for me, doing things in my best interest, but what's the point if it's not what I need? What I need is just acceptance and support.

It's like a little kid running home with a drawing from school. She was so proud of her drawings, a pretty blue rose. She showed it to her mother, only to get scolded, "Roses are supposed to be red or white!! There's no such thing as a blue-colored roses! It's unnatural, an abomination!" How do you make someone proud of you, when all they're willing to see is a failure? How do you make them see that the blue-colored roses in this world are actually the rare and expensive kind and is very beautiful to many, when for them all roses which is not red or white are unnatural and weird?

For me, fearless love is all about making the choices that is true to my heart regardless of what others might say. I do have a dream, although it's not specific yet. I only know that I will stop at nothing to pursue that dream. And while I'm pursuing it, I'll just have fun. It's only life after all.

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