Tuesday, February 10, 2009


I'm having so much thoughts these days, to the point that I don't know whether I should blog about them or don't blog at all. The feeling varies from the good ones to the bad ones, from pride to shame. I also experienced lots of feelings these days more than ever, I don't have any idea why. Maybe being outed by the person that I hate more than I've ever hated anyone - helped a lot? It also made me think about why I don't come out in a big way - I mean as in telling every friends and families. Besides having to analyze that, I also have to analyze this feeling of hatred I feel, because I never ever experience a hatred as strong as this, and it's eating up my soul. No, I'm not being hyperbolic, it's literal talking. It's like every silent time I have, it's hatred I'm thinking about. Every time I start to think about writing a new song, it'd be about hatred. And of course, I can't do my best for my thesis becaue it's where the hatred lies. Good news are, I got the chance to learn few new things about myself, about my limitations and about how good I actually am at reading people.

But let's forget a minute about those things. I wanna talk about the movie I've just seen last week, Melissa's song (naturally), and my quite unexpected visit to the Homomonument.

Well, the movie is 'Milk'. Have you watched it? I'm impressed with Sean Penn. He brought Milk to live with respect and dedication. Of course this is my personal review, I haven't read any expert's review, nor have I read or watched Sean Penn's interview anyway. It's only what I got from the movie. His every small gestures, his loving look to his boyfriends, his passion in running for the office, his dialog-less scenes of sadness... well, I'll just say that I believe Sean's acting as a gay politician.

In my mind now, Harvey Milk is a very brave guy who puts the truth and the greater good before his own happiness. I'm grateful for him. If it weren't because of people like him, many things wouldn't have been the way it is today. People like me will always put our own ego higher than other people's want and need. I really have no idea how he did it.

"If a bullet should enter my brain, let it destroy every closet door." It's the immortal words of a Harvey Milk. He's all 'come out, come out, wherever you are' and it's not for a reason. By coming out, we let people who are close to us to see, that we're not sick, we're not immoral, and we're not abnormal. Many friends of mine are homophobics, but it's mainly because they've never really known any gay people. I've got to admit that I'm not one of the more loveable people around, so my coming out might not help that much, nor that I want to at this moment. It's not because I'm ashamed of who I am, also not because of fear. Well the fear is there, it's only natural, but I can defeat that fear quite easily. My thought is that if now I come out - let's say to my parents - they will be worried out of their mind about the kind of partner I will have in the future and that thought might drive them to fear me even more than if I've already had a girlfriend and let them meet. The other reason is that there's no straight people is forced to come out, why should I do it? I don't lie that I like this guy or that guy, and any friend who is close enough to know me won't be suprised to know I'm gay. The third reason is that if I'm labelled as lesbian and someday I fall in love with a guy, then there will be a hell of explanation to do. It's the stupidest scenario possible, but everything is possible, right? Anyway, I'm maybe not out yet, but there's no doubt that I'm proud, and I don't hold back from educating any homophobes who care to listen.

I've never read about Harvey Milk before except from Melissa's song, 'Testify'. After I watched the movie, I played that song, and of course, that song has a brand new meaning now.

Morning's hard, coffee's cold
pretending that the days mean more than getting old
Stale headlines other drenched in pride
Marching to their drum with fear standing beside

But if I close my eyes and throw back my head
I can see his face and I hear the words he said
And my memories ache and my senses burn
Did he dream too late
will we ever learn

I, I want to testify
My love still lives and breathes
And my soul is screaming why
The thoughts won't let me sleep
Don't let hearts break
And don't let children cry
Before it gets too late
I want to testify

I want to testify too. I want to testify I'm as normal as everybody else, I want to testify that I can function well in society and contribute my part. I want to testify that speaking the truth will pay off in the end even though some people may hate me at first for it.

Learning from the past to struggle in the here and now, and bring inspiration and hope to the future, that's what I learned from Homomonument. I learned from how gays were treated in the Nazi era, how they weren't even labelled as victims while their rate of death was the highest and they were treated the worst (because they were even treated badly by fellow prisoners). Until now, when you were taught about victims of the Nazis it was always about Jews, right? I'm not complaining that Jews were mentioned foremost, because they had the biggest number of victims, but not mentioning homosexuals just because 'they are homosexuals and it's proper that they have to be disminished' only proves that there are still lots of Nazi-minded people these days.

So, no more tolerating intolerance for me. No more leaving the fight to other people. What I do best in this fight is educating, so educating I'll do. I cannot argue with total ignorance and bigotry, but I can always talk to people who still have some logic and heart left.

"People c'mon, tell me where's your kingdom of heaven
Where is your faith, where do you put your fear?
Do you have a price for truth and a price for believing
And heaven is here, heaven is here

My God is love
My God is peace
My God loves you
and my God loves me."

"Until I see you again, my friends, please, be strong, speak true, spread the peace."

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