One Tooth Less

It's unavoidable. When I go back to Indonesia, I'll have one tooth less. Well, actually, I NOW have one tooth less. It's not that big a deal, but I feel the loss anyway. Everytime my tongue runs through the hole that once was my tooth, I feel the loss. Everytime there's some food falls into that hole, I feel the loss. Everytime I brush my teeth and the brush couldn't find that one tooth, I feel the loss. Everytime I look in the mirror, I see a big black (and sometimes bloody) hole in the place of my tooth. What lesson did I take from this experience? To appreciate the small things in life. I also learned to let go. Well, I learned to let go too much, I think I have to start learning how to hold on to something precious. But that's been the way I am since... I forget when. I have trained myself so much to accept the inevitable and to let go of everything (the logic is, we came to this world with nothing and with nothing shall we leave this world, right?). But it isn't as simple as that, really. We humans have greed. We have envy and we have ambision. We have wants and we have the eros kind of love. I'm the kind of gal who cherish everything I possess, from the simplest thing like 'my' plate, 'my' chair, 'my' side, until the bigger matters like 'my' computer. If you have ever watched 'Friends', you know that Joey doesn't share food, right? If you're on a date with him you could order anything you want, as many as you want, but NEVER take anything from Joey's plate. I'm ALMOST like that. Not as bad as Joey, though. I'll share as long as it's not my favorite food. Or as long as it's not in a small portion. Or as long as I like you. Hehe.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. So I cherish every small things I possess (including my food). Therefore it's always hard for me to let go of those things, like when somebody suddenly sit on 'my' side of the sofa, for example. Only small things like that can make me felt so annoyed. That's why I had to train myself to let go. Problem is, I did overcome that possessive habit over small things (I still get annoyed, but I won't kill you for that), but I also become so easy in letting go the bigger matters. Like love. Like money. Like my pride. Like friends. Like... my tooth (okay, again, it's not that big a deal, but that tooth had been with me for 22 years, for goodness sake!).

Okay, here's the story. Friday night, I couldn't sleep for hours because I felt a little pain on my tooth. The pain wasn't too much but the level of the pain wasn't consistent so it was annoying. I was asleep for half an hour and then suddenly I was awaken by a sting of pain. It was like that the whole night. But after I woke up on Saturday it wasn't really there anymore. I only felt it when I ate. And then Saturday night came and by the God. I've never experienced such a tootache my whole life! I absolutely couldn't sleep the whole night. Luckily I happened to find the trick to lessen the pain: I drank cold water. Still that means waking up every hour to drink that water. On Sunday I worked, and I almost couldn't smile at all. Even to the guest. I count myself a very professional person, and no matter what I would always smile to the guests. But how could I smile with a mouth full of pain? I drank ice-cold water like every ten minutes (literally) and went to the bathroom every half an hour or so. It felt terrible. And I had to work for 11 hours that day, so just imagine how torturing it was!

I couldn't sleep at all that night, the pain was so excruciating I had to drink more often than when I was at work. No other option: I had to go to the dentist. I called the dentist office at 9 AM, and had to have a stupid conversation with the receptionist who couldn't speak English well and I knew she was losing her patience. Well, whatever, I got myself an appointment at 10.30. I called my boss and he dropped me to the dentist office. It was quite scary. The waiting, I mean. There I was, in a dentist waiting room (it's even scarier than the actual dentist office, for me) in some foreign country which I couldn't speak much of the language, with a terrible pain in my tooth. Oh, and the receptionist said on the phone before that I had to bring cash about 300 euro, so while I was waiting I was worried sick about the money too. It was my one month salary!

Anyway, finally my waiting was over (it was about 30 minutes but it felt like 3 hours, really). The dentist was very nice, fortunately, and though he couldn't speak much English, he tried so hard to explain the problem to me. He took an x-ray of my tooth (very convinient, as a matter of fact. In Indonesia I had to take the photo in a laboratory first and then went back to the dentist sometime later) to prove his guess. More waiting... and then he came in with the result, and gave me three choice. One, he could give me medicine and we'll see what'd happen. Two, he would open up the tooth, treat the infection (FYI, the infection happens in the deepest part of the tooth), and seal it. Three, just take the tooth off, or as he said it literally, "No tooth, no pain." (If it wasn't for the situation, I would have laughed out loud at that. It's a very funny logic - and very ironic, said by a dentist). Considering that: a) The medicine might work but if it doesn't I'd have to come back for more treatment. b) The medicine might work but when it's worn off maybe the problem will come back even more terrible. c) If I choose the treatment it will cost A LOT and who knows how many times I have to go to the dentist just to follow up the treatment. So... yes, I had to say goodbye to my tooth.

I was lucky it didn't hurt too much, but the experience was quite scary. First there were three injections of painkillers given inside of my mouth, then after it worked, the dentist pulled out tongs and... well, just imagine a nail being pulled out of a board. Twist it right and left, right and left, and pull it really hard. Ouch. Even with all the painkillers I could still feel a sting of that final pull. Geez. I really feel lucky I wasn't born fifty years ago.

Anyway, the dentist asked if I wanted to keep the tooth or not. Well I couldn't imagine as to where I would keep the tooth, so no, thank you. Then with a cotton between my teeth to stop the blood, I walked home - in the winter wind. Dammit. I went to sleep immediately with the cotton still in place, after writing a note to my roommate to tell my boss I couldn't work today. One and a half hour later, I was awaken because there were some friends visiting my roommate, and therefore it was noisy like hell. And the final annoyance of that day was that I suddenly had a sorethroat, which as I thought about it, probably was caused by all that ice-cold water I drank those two days I was in pain.

So, now I'm still adjusting myself to my one-tooth-less state, and trying to get out of this sore throat, which luckily didn't get much worse. Hehe. Oh, another thing I learned: even during my painful tootache, the only thing that could make me smile again is ANY mention of Melissa. Damn, damn, damn. How in love am I with that woman? LOL!

The Wedding

The universe sure has a ridiculous way to answer my wishes. I had just said that I wanted a family, having a wedding, and all with the love of my life, I sure didn't say I want my first love (whom I still have a feeling for until now) to get married.

Waking up to that kind of sms is certainly not my idea of a good morning. Yeah, she told me she would get married at the end of this month. I was like... WHAT?! I know I said that I want nothing more to do with her. I know I said I wouldn't touch her with a ten feet pole, she's like a poison to my sanity. But I still have feelings for her after all this time.

First love is certainly someone you can't easily forget, huh? Furthermore, this is the person that made me admit to myself that I am indeed gay. This is the person for whom I decided to stand up against the world and become a minority. This is the person that first showed me the wonder of the world outside my sheltered home. How can I not feel the loss for a love that never was?

I wrote so many songs for her, and one of the newest has been the declaration that I don't care if she stil wants me or not, I will never be the one for her. Of course, after that there was a night when I dreamed of her and I wrote another song called 'Every Now and Then', talking about how I remember her every now and then. Here's the lyric to 'It Will Never Be Me':

We used to share the glory, you and I
We talked of our dreams and future plans
But when it's dark you can't find way back to my arms
And you found somebody else

Didn't I tell you something like goodbye
Didn't I make sure it's over now
You loved me not with your heart, I know
It'll be okay, I'm moving on

It wasn't me that you need
You just can't love me back
Now you want more than friends
And I just can't give you that
Don't you understand, I just can't lose my heart
For you, it will never be me

Well, I did say goodbye to her so there's no point in turning back now. I'm here and she's there and there's no possibility of me boicoting her wedding and kidnapping her like in the movies. Heheh. Although one of Melissa's songs keep running in my head: "I'm alright, I'm alright, it only hurts when I breathe." I guess I have to say my final goodbye to our story anyway. This is one song I wrote for someone else, but there's no more appropriate moment to use this song for. So, please be happy, Vochi. I will do my best to stay out of your life.

I have no saying in the works of love
Though I have shouted and cried and begged to up above
Everybody's got their choice, that's what I believe
If her hapiness' in you, what can I do but leave

But please give me your words, and give me your vow
That you will love her better than I do
Please give her your crown, let her sit on your throne
And never ever let my angel go - and will you

Will you make her smile, will you protect her?
Will you care her every need, forever and ever?
Will you share her every dream, love her beyond death?
Will you take good care of my angel?
Will you?

Happy Valentine 2009!

I know it's too late. Hehe. But whathever. Happy Valentine's Day! This Valentine I work my ass off. This Valentine fell on Saturday, so it's one hell of a work day! It's almost like Christmas - only on a shorter time. I bet there were more than 1000 guests that night.

Anyway, there were lots of my friends who whined about how there were lots of couples who looked very happy together. Most of them were singles or they happened not to be able to be with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

That made me realize, I don't really envy those couples, you know. When I looked at them, I did feel a little bit envious, especially to those lesbian couples who were able to be so open here. But I felt more envious to another type of guests: families. Yeah, there were also lots of happy families coming at Valentine's day. They seemed so happy together, with their little girls and boys, taking care of each other and taking care of the kids. That's what make me envious more than just a lovey-dovey couple.

Come to think of it, I've never really been envious of couples. Well, maybe just a little bit, and only to special couples who are so cute together. But I always envy happy families! To be able to come home from work and being welcomed by your children, having dinner together and watching TV or just playing around together, or going on outings together. Well, some of my sweetest memories growing up are also full of my parents and sister together, so it's no suprise that I want to have a family like that on my own, rite?

Sigh, I really can't wait to have a family on my own. But finding your destined soulmate (as corny as it sounds) is not so easy. It's also not easy finding the job of my dream and money enough to buy the house of my dream. Really, my life is just starting, and I'm really looking forward to the future.

Love, love, love, it really is glorious!

Missy Lou

Okay, I know it's free and there are more than billions of stars up there, but there is only one star that I got to name. I don't even have to think twice how I want to name that star. In Hollywood and in the world, there is only one star that shines the brightest to my eyes, only one star that inspires me in every way. The only thing that made me hesitate a bit was that she actually doesn't like that name. Well, but I like it and I think it would be a great star name.

So, here it is, a star for you, Melissa: http://www.yourstar.com/star_lookup.php?star_id_1=1284591&star_id_2=38. May your light always inspire all of us for eternity.

Testify

I'm having so much thoughts these days, to the point that I don't know whether I should blog about them or don't blog at all. The feeling varies from the good ones to the bad ones, from pride to shame. I also experienced lots of feelings these days more than ever, I don't have any idea why. Maybe being outed by the person that I hate more than I've ever hated anyone - helped a lot? It also made me think about why I don't come out in a big way - I mean as in telling every friends and families. Besides having to analyze that, I also have to analyze this feeling of hatred I feel, because I never ever experience a hatred as strong as this, and it's eating up my soul. No, I'm not being hyperbolic, it's literal talking. It's like every silent time I have, it's hatred I'm thinking about. Every time I start to think about writing a new song, it'd be about hatred. And of course, I can't do my best for my thesis becaue it's where the hatred lies. Good news are, I got the chance to learn few new things about myself, about my limitations and about how good I actually am at reading people.

But let's forget a minute about those things. I wanna talk about the movie I've just seen last week, Melissa's song (naturally), and my quite unexpected visit to the Homomonument.

Well, the movie is 'Milk'. Have you watched it? I'm impressed with Sean Penn. He brought Milk to live with respect and dedication. Of course this is my personal review, I haven't read any expert's review, nor have I read or watched Sean Penn's interview anyway. It's only what I got from the movie. His every small gestures, his loving look to his boyfriends, his passion in running for the office, his dialog-less scenes of sadness... well, I'll just say that I believe Sean's acting as a gay politician.

In my mind now, Harvey Milk is a very brave guy who puts the truth and the greater good before his own happiness. I'm grateful for him. If it weren't because of people like him, many things wouldn't have been the way it is today. People like me will always put our own ego higher than other people's want and need. I really have no idea how he did it.

"If a bullet should enter my brain, let it destroy every closet door." It's the immortal words of a Harvey Milk. He's all 'come out, come out, wherever you are' and it's not for a reason. By coming out, we let people who are close to us to see, that we're not sick, we're not immoral, and we're not abnormal. Many friends of mine are homophobics, but it's mainly because they've never really known any gay people. I've got to admit that I'm not one of the more loveable people around, so my coming out might not help that much, nor that I want to at this moment. It's not because I'm ashamed of who I am, also not because of fear. Well the fear is there, it's only natural, but I can defeat that fear quite easily. My thought is that if now I come out - let's say to my parents - they will be worried out of their mind about the kind of partner I will have in the future and that thought might drive them to fear me even more than if I've already had a girlfriend and let them meet. The other reason is that there's no straight people is forced to come out, why should I do it? I don't lie that I like this guy or that guy, and any friend who is close enough to know me won't be suprised to know I'm gay. The third reason is that if I'm labelled as lesbian and someday I fall in love with a guy, then there will be a hell of explanation to do. It's the stupidest scenario possible, but everything is possible, right? Anyway, I'm maybe not out yet, but there's no doubt that I'm proud, and I don't hold back from educating any homophobes who care to listen.

I've never read about Harvey Milk before except from Melissa's song, 'Testify'. After I watched the movie, I played that song, and of course, that song has a brand new meaning now.

Morning's hard, coffee's cold
pretending that the days mean more than getting old
Stale headlines other drenched in pride
Marching to their drum with fear standing beside

But if I close my eyes and throw back my head
I can see his face and I hear the words he said
And my memories ache and my senses burn
Did he dream too late
will we ever learn

I, I want to testify
My love still lives and breathes
And my soul is screaming why
The thoughts won't let me sleep
Don't let hearts break
And don't let children cry
Before it gets too late
I want to testify

I want to testify too. I want to testify I'm as normal as everybody else, I want to testify that I can function well in society and contribute my part. I want to testify that speaking the truth will pay off in the end even though some people may hate me at first for it.

Learning from the past to struggle in the here and now, and bring inspiration and hope to the future, that's what I learned from Homomonument. I learned from how gays were treated in the Nazi era, how they weren't even labelled as victims while their rate of death was the highest and they were treated the worst (because they were even treated badly by fellow prisoners). Until now, when you were taught about victims of the Nazis it was always about Jews, right? I'm not complaining that Jews were mentioned foremost, because they had the biggest number of victims, but not mentioning homosexuals just because 'they are homosexuals and it's proper that they have to be disminished' only proves that there are still lots of Nazi-minded people these days.

So, no more tolerating intolerance for me. No more leaving the fight to other people. What I do best in this fight is educating, so educating I'll do. I cannot argue with total ignorance and bigotry, but I can always talk to people who still have some logic and heart left.

"People c'mon, tell me where's your kingdom of heaven
Where is your faith, where do you put your fear?
Do you have a price for truth and a price for believing
And heaven is here, heaven is here

My God is love
My God is peace
My God loves you
and my God loves me."

"Until I see you again, my friends, please, be strong, speak true, spread the peace."

Homework?! Dammit

Aw crap, I hate homework! But okay, I'll do it since it's from you, Pak Guru, but I don't have 7 blog friends, so I cannot tag it to next blogs. :p

1. Age of my next birthday?



2. Places I'd like to travel to



3. Favorite place



4. Favorite food



5. Favorite things



Ovation Adamas 12 string Melissa Etheridge series with signature:





6. Favorite color



7. Where I was born



8. A city I've lived in



9. Nickname I have



10 College major



11. Hobbies







12. Bad habit



13. Name of my love



14. Wishlist