Simplicity of Mind

I've figured out lately that I love working from home more than anything else. I love being home, I love being able to work and eat or drink at the same time (although I rarely do this since it's messy), I love being able to work without supervision - all that matters is the result, and I love working without the constant competitiveness with co-workers. I worked with lots of people before, and I don't like it. I always prefer a small team in doing works cause it's easier to manage and it's more focused. I also can't stand a company hierarchy. It means that everybody's trying so hard to get to the top, fighting with each other and trying to make each other fall. If you succeed at something or if you stand out, be prepared to get all kinds of shits thrown your way. Well, at least that's the case with my previous  job. Well, the downside is of course that I don't have the stability my previous job offers. There will be about another month without paycheck, I think. Heh heh.

Anyway, having lots of time on my hand makes me think about all sorts of things, too. When I work 12 hours a day I was too tired to think of other things. Being tired and stressed out make me care only about myself and not about anyone else, much less about strangers I don't even know. Now I think about the strangest of things, and right now it's about living in the ancient time. No, not the ancient like ancient Rome or Greece or China, much more ancient than when Jesus was born. I think about the living of people when there was no money system, when there was not much technology, when there was no country or religion or even tribe.

For me now looking at them, their lives are so simple. They work day by day just to fill their needs, not for anything else. They live together in harmony and everyone can choose their roles. Some are farmers, some are hunters, some are healers, some are teachers, and most of the women do house chores together. There is no TV or computer or radio to distract them from the people around them. There is no plane or train so all they see is what's around them. There is no money so there's no rich-man and poor-man. Then I think, what problems did they have, then? Did crime and greed existed even then? What did they do for fun? How long can they stick that way before change happens? Are they happy with the way they lived? There are so many question and I of course don't have the answer.

I always love simplicity. Some may say I'm stupid or dull because of that, but that state of simplicity always makes me happy. I love plain vanilla ice cream. I rarely add any sauce or salt or pepper to my food. I don't like chili. I love hot tea without sugar (although it depends on what kind of tea it is). I even prefer Oreo without the filling. That translates to my preference of women: no piercing, no tattoo, no hair-dye, not much accessories is very good to me. And perhaps everyone would agree with me with no-clothes liking, but that's another matter altogether :))

Being born in this time and age exposes me to lots and lots of things. This is the age of information, and although I love the fact that I can get almost any information I need just by connecting to the internet, I also get lots of information I could do without. Criminal news are good for cautionary tale, but it makes me wary of strangers - even strangers in need. Every time I see a stranger in need I have an ugly internal battle. What if they only trap me into their scheme? But what if they really need help? I'm very ashamed that I have to think twice to help someone, but I also realize it's better to be cautious, many people are glad to use other people's kindness to trap them. You can even eat a delicious chicken somewhere and the next thing you know someone's telling you it's not chicken but rat. Nowadays I consciously filter myself more of those negative things, but I can only do so much when everybody around me are still watching, reading, or listening to such news.

I really think people can be happier living the old way, in a simpler way. When women don't have to struggle so hard to stay thin, when it doesn't matter how much or how little you have, when it doesn't matter what religion you have, or what race you are, or who you love. Ah well, maybe God had a point when He told humans not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge.

Like A Shooting Star

如果失去是苦，你还怕不怕付出
如果坠落是苦，你还要不要幸福
如果迷乱是苦，在开始还是结束
如果追求是苦，这是坚强还是执迷不悟


如果分离是苦，你要把苦向谁诉
如果承诺是苦，真情要不要流露
如果痴心是苦，难道爱本是错误
如果相爱是苦，这是上的真情它在何处


好多事情总是后来才看清楚
然而我已经找不到来时的路
好多事情当时一点也不觉得苦
就算是苦我想我也不会在乎


I was just reminded to this song I liked back when I was in high school. At that time I liked Michelle Yeoh and this is the soundtrack from one of her movies, sung by Michelle herself. Yesterday I found a fan-made music video dedicated to one of Angie Chiu and Cecilia Yip's (the White Snake Legend lead couple) series using this very song. 


I liked this song more than just the fact that Michelle sang it. The melody wasn't so interesting, and yet it's easily implanted to my memory. But as usual, the real draw was when I understood the lyrics. I can so relate to it, especially the chorus. At that time I was still very much heartbroken and well, this song is about how you still want to love even though loving is suffering. This is the translation from www.michelleyeoh.info (I edited some words):

If losing is painful are you scared of giving 

If falling is painful will you still wish for happiness 

If confusion is painful should you end it or start it over 

If pursuing is painful do you call it strong or stubborn 

If separation is painful to whom can you divulge your pain

If promise is painful should you express your real passion 

If obsession is painful isn't love a mistake after all 

If loving is painful where is the true feeling in this world 

There are many things that I can only understand afterwards
But I can no longer find the road where I came from
For many things I don't feel any pain at the time when it happened
Even if they were painful I think that I simply could not care

I think the part I can relate to at this moment is the chorus. There are many things I don't understand now, and maybe I can only understand it later. The things I understand now I can no longer change. No, I don't play with regret. If I made the 'right' choice (as my choice back then seemed 'wrong' for me now), I would have missed so many things along the way. No matter which choice I took, there would be goods and bads along the way. Knowing the bad, should I just run away from that choice? I think as long as I believe strongly in my choice, no matter how bad it turned out, I won't have any regret. Even if it's painful, I won't even be able to care. 

When I Was A Child...

I always consider myself quite a sentimental person. Well, maybe at times. Using the line, "For old time's sake.." can be a killer in seeking favor with me (psst, don't tell anybody). Right now I'm feeling nostalgic in a different way, maybe it's because my birthday's just passed, but I started googling about a show I haven't seen since forever. Well, not really 'forever', cause I owned the VCD copies of the series, but I also haven't seen that in a while. Even better? That was probably my FIRST lesbian movie/series EVER.

Well, as I googled the characters and the forums, etc, I stumbled on a thought. Could they be my first celebrity crush ever? Figured out, no. There was a woman I had a crush on before them. This is she:

Recognize her? No? Well, how about this one:

Yep. The one who broke Chow Yun Fat and Andy Lau's heart. Who could blame me on having my first celebrity crush EVER on her?

But that series has a place in my heart more than The Return of Condor Heroes. I have to admit I wouldn't have remembered Yoko if it wasn't because I stumbled upon it while googling White Snake Legend. Yup, that's my favorite Chinese series ever. Maybe it's because of the sentimental connection with my childhood, maybe because it's very lesbianish, maybe because it's musical and humorous and tragic and romantic and even scary (for an elementary school-er) rolled into one, I don't care either way. For me I'll always love that show along with Xena. I like Friends alright but I don't love it. Now Glee has a chance in winning my heart, but when I watched more episodes of it, I kinda lean on the 'like' side more. We'll see.

Anyway, back to crushes, until now I can't decide which woman I like better. Bai Su Zhen is of course very beautiful, very cool in the feminine sense, she's wise and tender but powerful, and in short I would love to have a wife just like her. I mean, look at her!!!

I can't find a single flaw on her. And that's maybe the only unattractiveness I find in her. She's simply too perfect.

On the other hand, Han Wen (please note that even though in the story she's a he, in the depth of my perverted mind she's always a she)... she's kinda cowardly, goofy at times, very dependent and some may say weak, but actually, I'm very attracted to that side of hers. Haha. I can smile (literally) just by looking at her childlike face. She's certainly not stupid, but she looks really innocent and pure and naive, and that makes me want to ensure that she stays that way forever. Above all, it's her sincere heart that attracts me to her. She's so kind and sincere to others, sometimes to the point of being stupid. Maybe that's why I like her more (Crap! Why aren't there more pictures of her as Han Wen??).

In a way, I think this couple's very gay not only because the part of Han Wen is played by a woman. It's the interaction between the characters. The setting was in a time when husband and wife play a certain role in the family, and they certainly aren't equal. That's not the case with this couple. They're completely equal in every way, and more often than not, it's due to Han Wen's deference to his wife. I won't say it's impossible to find a man like that, but it's a trait I find more often in women, as most men has his pride and reputation to protect. Not to mention their love is beautiful, and it continues to amaze me why many homophobic people aren't grossed out by their pictures together.

  
Not exactly lesbianish, but you can't say that look so straight either. Heh. And while that show won't help lesbian visibility much, at least it'll help people like me realizing their sexuality. Oh, and there are LOTS of gossips on the forums. But I'm far more interested in how people really hate Fa Hai (the monk) and debate whether She Lin (their son) should end up with Mei Niang (rabbit demoness) or Bi Lian. Their comments are mostly so anarchist it's funny. If all those people got their wishes, Fa Hai would have lost his beard and end up with a swollen bump on his head and Bi Lian would end up with a pig's nose. Yuck. I don't hate any character in the show mainly because despite their cruelness to the main characters, they have their reason behind their hostility. It's all forgiven in the end, though, as my favorite part about the show's end. Ah, and I can't stop laughing that one person wrongly wrote 'White Snake' as 'White Snack' and the person after him snatched, "White Snack? Lo kata kerupuk apa?"

I won't comment much on the music. I like the music very much, although after watching several episodes I skipped all the opening and ending song. I'm fond of some of the lyrics, they are very quotable and romantic, especially in Chinese. Maybe that's because I don't have many Chinese quote, but whatever. These two are from the opening and ending song, among my favorite of them all: "有緣千里來相會,無緣對面手難牽" and "是誰在耳邊說 愛我永不變, 只為這一句 斷腸也無怨".

Maybe my only wish is that the show is popular nowadays instead of twenty years ago. Then maybe I can vote for them on Afterellen's Hot 100. Heheh.