Friday, August 22, 2008

I'm Scared of Being Afraid

Damn, I'm in a huge trouble here.
I feel so at lost of words to describe how I feel right now. Maybe I can try a bit. Hm...
Today I'm really really happy. Not giddy happy, but content happy. Finally I can go back to the trees and the sand again. I can stay there for hours just in silence... but since today I was accompanied by the person I want to get to know the most, I think I just can't be silent all the time.
But underneath that happiness there are two huge worries haunting me. The first one is of being in love, because if that indeed happens, it will consume much of my time and my mind, and if it's not requited, it will be much worse for my sanity while dealing with work and thesis. The second one is of my thesis, cause I haven't even got the topic until now.
You see, I can't just have a 'light' crush. When I like someone, I get to know them better, then if getting to know them makes me don't like them anymore, that's it. I forget them. But it can also grows into love. And that's always dangerous. When you're in love, what do you feel? Do you feel like you want to be with them all the time? Do you feel everything is a little bit better everytime you see their smile? Do you feel down after you say something stupid to them or having a bad conversation or even fight with them? It doesn't matter if it's one-sided or requited, the basic feelings are the same, I think. If it's requited, though, you have to work even harder to make it work and if it's not requited, well, being heartbroken isn't a nice feeling.
I may be just a little bit obsessed with making sure that when I fall in love with someone, it can work. Means that the feeling is to someone who is sane, healthy, has a strong character, and has positive energy about them, so that if it indeed works, it can lasts until forever. I was in love once with a girl that I knew even then wouldn't be the one for me. I did fall in love with her but even when I was in love with her I knew it wouldn't be for ever after. I did end it before it had a chance to start and though until now I sometimes think of her, I knew deep inside that I made the right choice.
I know what kind of person I want as much as I know I want to get married, have children, and live a good life. I find most of what I want in her... at least from what I see in her. That's what scares me now. Willingly or not, I'm almost falling in love with her, and I'm scared even more for not knowing if the feeling is requited.
Well, for now I'm just gonna go to sleep, not for running away from troubles, but it's 4 am already. I'll take it one step at a time. We'll see where the road leads me to. Good wishes are accepted happily, though, so feel free to send me some. Haha.

No comments: