Since I started to know Melissa, that' s been the words I clung to everytime. I tried my best to stand on the truth, no matter how hard it is and what it will cost me, but it's not that easy when you're still practically a teenager, you know? I'm adult by age now, but I haven't graduated yet. I have ever worked but I was unpaid so I still depend on my parent's money (I did get scholarships and I did get some money from opening that cafe, though). I so want to flee to a place where I can work unjudged, you know. I don't mind flipping burgers, I don't mind playing in a bar and all, I don't care. But here, my family would rather pay my bills than having me doing 'that kind of jobs'. No offense, I have to say, cause I did work as a waitress before. My dream, actually, is to make a living by writing music, teaching music, or even playing music. Too bad I don't have the talent AND I don't have the education background in music. I'm still looking for a break when I can send out my songs.
Okay, this is getting out of topic. Lol. What I mean is, when you only just start a carreer, unless you are the boss, it's not possible to be truthful all the time. When you're still depended on others, it's not possible to be truthful all the time. Only when you're in a 'safe' position can you look at the world and say whatever you want. I hold on to those words faithfully, though. I may keep some of the truth to myself and don't say it till the right moment, but when asked specifically, I will tell the truth. No one has ever got the guts to ask me directly, 'Are you gay?' yet, though I'm sure some of them have suspected for years. I don't hide it. I just don't tell. I made a point of never denying, never hide, but never flaunt it as well. I want my being gay to be just like if I'm straight. No coming out. When I have a girlfriend I will just say so. It's like a coming out but different, you see? No straight person will have to say, "I'm straight," but they're bound to come home one time and say, "Mom, dad, I've got a girlfriend."
I want to do more with my life. I want to achieve a position so strong that I can inspire people. I look at Ellen and Melissa, and I think of how much I want that in my life. Not to be famous or rich, but to be able to read the letters that say, 'Thank you so much for coming out. I almost kill myself but I see you and I know I can be normal and pursue my dreams.' Even my homophobic mom can't say anything when I showed her the wallpaper I made of Mel's family (look at previous post: What Makes A Family A Family?). It's so much harder to hate gays when you put faces in them. Indonesia doesn't have that. The role models who are so normal, so loveable, so entertaining, who live a good life, who are honorable, strong, and even spiritual. I want so much to be that, but I can't, so I want to achieve in other ways. What, I don't know yet, but I'll figure it out soon or later.
For now, though, I live up to these words all the time. Be strong, speak true. For me that's enough to live this life.
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