Monday, March 26, 2012

You’ve Never Been


Note: I know it sounds awfully bitter to still lament about things that happened more than a month ago, but what the heck, that’s why this is my universe. Besides my life’s pretty much a hell hole right now. I’m gonna follow my own recipe for bearing any pain: dive right into it, cause it will hurt more, but then the pain will lessen. 

You’ve never been a lefty in the dark ages, killed by your parents as a child of the devil
You’ve never been a witch in Salem, burned to defend your calling
You’ve never been a Jew in Hitler’s reign, hunted like animals just for being born
You’ve never been a black man in apartheid law, born, lived and died a slave

You’ve never been a poor man with a child dying of hunger,
so you beat him to death for stealing a loaf of bread
You’ve never been a girl with a dying mother and no job to find,
so you spat at her when she sold herself on the street
You’ve never been a girl who was raped and got pregnant out of it,
so you mocked and looked down on her when she quitted school
You’ve never been a woman forced to marry a stranger and left her beloved behind,
so you told on her when she ran away and smirked when she was punished
And you’ve clearly never been in love
for you’re trying to forbid my heart from falling

There are lots of things you’ve never been, and I’ve never been, too. I don’t understand a lot of things that happened in this world, and what another person had to go through. But when they do tell, I listen. It’s not so hard to accept and forgive once you see the whole story, as long as you’re willing to step into their shoes. We might even learn a thing or two from their experiences. (Might be why I’m like a relationship consultant for my friends even though they know exactly that my love life is a big zero.) Too many people I know just never care, though. For them it’s their rules, their view, and if you disagree or view things differently, then you’re wrong. Their words are sweet and soothing, but what I see is lie and betrayal, precisely because they can’t say what’s really in their heart.

I just wish even one of them would listen. More than that I wish they would say aloud what they really think, cause they told me almost nothing. If they already said everything they knew, then they really knew nothing, which bothers me even more. If they know nothing, the should’ve ask me or look it up somewhere. Otherwise it seems that they don’t care about me even one bit – I’m not sure if I should be sad or angry – and that our friendship for all these years have been a lie, too. Lol… I’m surprised I’m not going crazy right now. I practically only have two friends right now – busy ones at that, and even at home I barely had anyone to talk to. (Yep, I half-blamed the coming out process for damaging my relationship with my mom.)

Well, I do develop some self-confidence over the years, and I’ve lost counts of people telling me how strong I am, but ‘confident’ and ‘strong’ are two words I haven’t used to describe myself these last three years. One of the top things in my mind after the rejection: Was I so unworthy that nobody even cares to listen? I wrote THREE long, unread explanations to two of my “friends”, and their reply was always short, and not related, to what I was writing. Not to mention another “friend” who usually kept in contact every once in a while, hadn’t contacted me at all since then. And yet another “friend” sent me a story of how children need a father and how damaging a lack of it will do to their future. (Oh please! That article was so invalid I’m not even sure where to begin!) Many people came out and kept their relationships intact, or they faced difficulties at first but their friends came to their senses sooner or later. These ‘friends’ I kept for years really prefer to pretend it didn’t happen and kept the silence – not just one or two of them, but all of them. The fault, I figured, must lie with me.

My logic is blaming them, but my heart keeps blaming myself… maybe that’s why I find it really difficult to let it go. Of course the fact that I’m in one of my lowest lows don’t help. I thank God for my sanity, but gosh, at times I just wish for “some insanity of that temporary kind”. Well, either way, I promise myself this would be my last post exclusively about this, online or otherwise. Just… wish me luck for the future progress.

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