Men in My Life

Haha. Surprised by the title, huh?

It's at times like this that I really considering bisexuality. I have to admit, I've never really known my feelings towards men. All I know is that in the first 23 years of my life I've never really fallen in love with a guy. I know exactly that I have deep attraction and I connect excellently to women, but although I have some attraction to men, I never really connect with them emotionally. Sexually, I think I'm okay with both men and women, but I won't be able to be intimate with someone I don't love, so unless there's a man who can make me fall in love with him, it's not even a question. So, I'm gonna have to leave it to you whether to label me as a lesbian or a bisexual.

There are only two men whom I had feelings for early in my life, well, actually at that time they're just boys (and pretty boys at that). One in elementary school and one in junior high. And by pure coincidence I met both of them tonight. Nothing much, really. No sparks, no flirting, no anything. But it made me think back of the time when I thought I was in love with them. The one in elementary school wasn't much of a memory for me, and he was really more like a butch girl back then. But the one from junior high was probably the first person ever to be attracted to me. And we did have some history, however awkward it was. It wasn't until I fell hopelessly in love with a girl in senior high school that I understand the difference of loving someone and simply having a crush or admiring someone.

If I'm asked whether I'm bisexual or gay, I would probably say I'm gay. After all, there were only those two guys I remember in my life, while there would be about ten girls I've ever had a crush on, and I was really in love with three of them. But personally, I choose to not label myself. In the end, I would only end up with one person, rite? If that person is a woman, then it doesn't matter if I say I'm bi or gay, people would still call me a lesbian. If that person is a man then I'll be spared from the burden of coming out, though until now I have no idea if any man at all can make me fall in love with him, much less marrying him. Hh, I really have no idea why people always say that being gay is a choice. If it's a choice, of course I will happily choose to be straight. It's a hell lot easier!