Ssst... Ryan has a crush on someone new. Heheh. Okay, to say it's a crush is still too soon. Besides, only in one month I have to leave this country, I can't bear having my first relationship as a long-distanced one. And she's only 16, which means that... dang it, she's not an adult yet! Plus, in that age, you may not discover your sexuality just yet, right? Still experimenting and all.
Well, anyway, I'm so embarassed about this that I have to write this in my own language. I don't want her to be able to read this, and I don't want another Melissa fans to be able to read this. Gah. Okay, then, my first post in Indonesian. Here goes.
Hari-hari menjelang kepulangan ini, aku makin suntuk. Di pekerjaan, dimanfaatin habis-habisan sama bos, karena mereka tahu kerjaku cepat, disuruhlah bantu sana-sini. Benernya nggak mau, tapi karena udah capek dan males berdebat, akhirnya kukerjain juga. Dalam ngerjain skripsi, dimanfaatin habis-habisan sama partner. Sapa pernah ngerjain skripsi? Pasti tahu kan beratnya? Bayangin tiap hari kerja dari jam 2 sore, kadang2 dari jam 12, baru pulang jam 11 ato 12 malam, trus dikejar-kejar deadline skripsi. Dan sekarang aku bisa menyatakan satu hal yang udah pasti: skripsi "kami" adalah hasil kerjaku sendiri. Sumbangan dia cuma copy-paste literatur doang. Kuesioner, analisis dan sebagainya, semua hasil kerjaku. Sakit hati nggak sih? Tapi ya udah, daripada nggak lulus. Sudah gitu, orang ini adalah orang paling licik yang pernah kutemui. Dia orang yang cuma mendengarkan 'kebenaran' dirinya sendiri. Contoh: kami punya uang overtime dan itu tiap hari kami catat. Baru hari ini dia bilang sama aku, selama ini, kalau misalnya dia merasa kerja berat tapi selesai cepat (artinya uang OTnya sedikit), dia palsu jam selesai kerjanya. Astaga, nggak heran selama ini OT dia besar terus. Itulah kebenaran dirinya sendiri. Nyatanya kalau misalnya hari itu dia nggak ngapa-ngapain tapi selesai malam, mana mau dia nulis dia selesai pagi? Dalam kerja pun dia seenaknya begitu, dan karena kedudukan kami sama, otomatis salahnya dia jadi bebanku di hari berikutnya. Pokoknya singkat cerita, hari-hari ini kerasa nggak enak melulu, banyak orang stress di kerjaan dan mereka jadi gampang marah juga.
Nah, di tengah-tengah kekacauan itu (:D) muncullah seorang pekerja paruh waktu baru. Pertama kali liat dia, aku kaget setengah mati, soalnya begitu dia tersenyum, MIRIP BANGET SAMA MELISSA!!! Ooops. Dang. Yah sejak saat itu aku dapet tempat cuci mata. Hehe... Baru kedapatan kerja bareng dia sabtu lalu, dan untuk ukuran anak baru kerjanya lumayan. Udah gitu dia lucu banget, ada yang nggak tahu dia nggak tanya, tapi dibikin dengan kreativitasnya sendiri. Pas aku nemu hasil kerjanya, aku ngakak habis. Sebel sih harus bongkar lagi, tapi lucu, soalnya kreatif. Hari senin eh, ketemu dia lagi. Aku dibikin terkagum-kagum sama keberaniannya. Baru sekali diajarin, tahu-tahu dia sudah menawarkan diri untuk nyoba, dan kebetulan ketemu kasus yang sulit, tapi dia tetep keliatan profesional dan pe-de banget di depan tamu. Busyet. Nggak kelihatan banget baru 16 tahun! Itulah awalnya aku bener-bener tertarik sama dia lebih dari sekadar kemiripannya dengan Melissa.
Yah, ini crush yang nggak ada arahnya, sih. Seperti yang kubilang, dia baru 16 tahun, dan sebulan lagi aku harus pulang. Dia juga tipe orang yg populer (di fotonya malah ada yg keliatannya dia jadi homecoming queen ato sejenisnya). Tapi kehadirannya bikin aku semangat lagi, di hari-hari suntuk gini. Hihihi.
Ada satu kekhawatiran baru muncul, nih. Kemarin aku baru nemu ada group band Jerman yang meng-cover lagu-lagunya Melissa. Penyanyinya cewek mirip banget sama Melissa, bawa gitar Ovation 12-string-nya Melissa, dan nyanyi lagu-lagunya Melissa! Waduh... aku langsung senyum-senyum sendiri lihat websitenya. Ini nih gawatnya! Kenapa semua cewek yang bikin aku tertarik akhir-akhir ini semua ada miripnya sama Melissa? Dan lebih gawat lagi, begitu aku bandingin sama Melissa yang asli langsung buyar deh ketertarikanku (kecuali cewek 16 tahun itu). Gawat, gawat, kok kayaknya aku secara otomatis sekarang membandingkan semua cewek dengan Melissa. Nggak lucu kalau ntar aku jadian sama copy-annya Melissa!
Anyway, selama aku tadi kerja sambil ngeliatin dia, terbayang salah satu lagunya Melissa, 'Similar Features'. Asem, aku malah merasa digoda sama Melissa. Dengerin nih liriknya:
Go on and close your eyes, go on imagine me there
She's got similar features with longer hair
If that's what it takes to get you through
Go on and close your eyes, it shouldn't bother you
Hiks... aku langsung merasa tersindir. :(
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
What's In A Name?
It's been so long since I actually examine my name. I've held some self-made interpretation about my name since I was little, and I actually do have a lot of names. I'm a Chinese-Indonesian so I have Chinese name and Indonesian name. My father actually mis-named me in Chinese so I have two Chinese name. My Indonesian name is hard to be pronounced by people from other countries (I was traumatized by the way it was pronounced in an international airport when I was little and ever since then I'd been looking for an 'international name' for me to use) - and now I have an 'international name'. When I was a kid I played with my sister a lot about a made-up world in which I was the king, and I had a name as the king (and I also gave a name to my sister in that world (she was the prince) which she still uses until now). I had some nick-names in elementary school but it never became really famous. But in junior high school I did get a nick name that got so famous that most of my high school friend actually forgot my name and remembered that nickname. Oh yeah, I also have a name in the group of friends I had when I was in elementary school - I took some famous people names and twisted them a bit. I actually have no name for being in the gay community - maybe only Ryan, but that's actually my real name, kind of.
From all of those names, anyway, I have three favorite names. The first one is one of my Chinese names, the second one is my Indonesian name, and the third one is my international name. I have no real story for my international name, just that it was taken from a woman I considered as the mentor in my life, the woman who actually helped me realized that I'm gay and it's okay. Sometimes I actually also put the first and second name of my international name together and create an international nickname. Confused yet? Hehe.
So, I like my Chinese name, the actually 'wrong' name because I could interpret it to fit me best. The first word, my family name, means clarity of mind and it can be interpreted as smart. I know many people are smarter than me, but I think I have that clarity of mind, in the meaning that when there is a complicated case, I can understand many points of view that I can see the right from wrong or in between. Sometimes I like it because I can understand the case completely and be the moderator or negotiator. The only reason I don't like it is just that to other people it would seem that I couldn't take a stand or make a decision.
The second word of my Chinese name actually means rainbow. Another sign, huh? The LGBT flag. I like it, though. In many myths, rainbow means the gateway between heaven and earth. In the bible, rainbow means the reconciliation between God and humanity. I like the rainbow because there are many colors there, like there are many personalities in me. Like you can't say that the rainbow color is red or blue or purple, you also can't say I'm simply lazy or dilligent or even in between. Even one of my friends ever said something to me akin to "You're not black, you're not white, and you're not even grey." Lately I've been thinking that way too about my sexuality. Heh.
The last word of my Chinese name consists of three suns. I mean, the character is made of three characters of sun. An elderly person ever said to me that means that I'm so bright (in the means of aura). I don't feel that I have a particularly bright aura, though. I'm not what you think as a happy-go-lucky person. I actually get mad as easily as Donald Duck (who shares my birthday). I'm also very good at being invisible. I can be there in one gathering or party and having people not noticing that I was there at all. I interpret that character more in the meaning, crystal. It's about honesty to me. I learn about truth and honesty from Melissa, but even before that I've never been good at lying. The guilt always chokes me afterwards. I'm not so stupidly honest, but sometimes I'm painfully honest. The more it scares me to be honest, the more I push myself to let it out. The very least I can do is being truthful to myself. I can keep that as a secret from other people, but I will never deny a truth to myself. I actually googled the meaning of a crystal, and is said: wisdom, cleansing, healing, pureness of heart, intention, positive thoughts, harmony and love. Well, of course I'm not all that good, but it's what I aim to have, so it's not bad at all, isn't it?
I like my Indonesian name because it transcends ethnicity and it transcends religion. That's all I can say, but it warms my heart that I have such special parents who don't fear naming me with a name of other ethnicity and religion than their own, even though the story of my naming always makes people laugh.
Anyway, I don't care the saying that your name affects who you are. I'd rather believe that it's the way you interpret your name that will affect who you are. I believe that you can decide who you are going to be, and maybe this is one of the ways. The philosophy and beliefs you take from your name will affect the way you view yourself and later it will affect the way you carry yourself in front of other people, and then it just becomes who you are. Besides, the hopes and well-wishes from your parents (or the people who gave you that name) when they decided to give you that name are always worth cherishing, right?
From all of those names, anyway, I have three favorite names. The first one is one of my Chinese names, the second one is my Indonesian name, and the third one is my international name. I have no real story for my international name, just that it was taken from a woman I considered as the mentor in my life, the woman who actually helped me realized that I'm gay and it's okay. Sometimes I actually also put the first and second name of my international name together and create an international nickname. Confused yet? Hehe.
So, I like my Chinese name, the actually 'wrong' name because I could interpret it to fit me best. The first word, my family name, means clarity of mind and it can be interpreted as smart. I know many people are smarter than me, but I think I have that clarity of mind, in the meaning that when there is a complicated case, I can understand many points of view that I can see the right from wrong or in between. Sometimes I like it because I can understand the case completely and be the moderator or negotiator. The only reason I don't like it is just that to other people it would seem that I couldn't take a stand or make a decision.
The second word of my Chinese name actually means rainbow. Another sign, huh? The LGBT flag. I like it, though. In many myths, rainbow means the gateway between heaven and earth. In the bible, rainbow means the reconciliation between God and humanity. I like the rainbow because there are many colors there, like there are many personalities in me. Like you can't say that the rainbow color is red or blue or purple, you also can't say I'm simply lazy or dilligent or even in between. Even one of my friends ever said something to me akin to "You're not black, you're not white, and you're not even grey." Lately I've been thinking that way too about my sexuality. Heh.
The last word of my Chinese name consists of three suns. I mean, the character is made of three characters of sun. An elderly person ever said to me that means that I'm so bright (in the means of aura). I don't feel that I have a particularly bright aura, though. I'm not what you think as a happy-go-lucky person. I actually get mad as easily as Donald Duck (who shares my birthday). I'm also very good at being invisible. I can be there in one gathering or party and having people not noticing that I was there at all. I interpret that character more in the meaning, crystal. It's about honesty to me. I learn about truth and honesty from Melissa, but even before that I've never been good at lying. The guilt always chokes me afterwards. I'm not so stupidly honest, but sometimes I'm painfully honest. The more it scares me to be honest, the more I push myself to let it out. The very least I can do is being truthful to myself. I can keep that as a secret from other people, but I will never deny a truth to myself. I actually googled the meaning of a crystal, and is said: wisdom, cleansing, healing, pureness of heart, intention, positive thoughts, harmony and love. Well, of course I'm not all that good, but it's what I aim to have, so it's not bad at all, isn't it?
I like my Indonesian name because it transcends ethnicity and it transcends religion. That's all I can say, but it warms my heart that I have such special parents who don't fear naming me with a name of other ethnicity and religion than their own, even though the story of my naming always makes people laugh.
Anyway, I don't care the saying that your name affects who you are. I'd rather believe that it's the way you interpret your name that will affect who you are. I believe that you can decide who you are going to be, and maybe this is one of the ways. The philosophy and beliefs you take from your name will affect the way you view yourself and later it will affect the way you carry yourself in front of other people, and then it just becomes who you are. Besides, the hopes and well-wishes from your parents (or the people who gave you that name) when they decided to give you that name are always worth cherishing, right?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Congratulation to Myself
The Afterellen Hot 100 is finally out!!!! Yay! While reading the list, I felt a mixture of giddiness and anxiety, and right now I feel a mixture of regret, victoriousness, respect, happiness, and a little bit anger. I'll explain the anger bit first. Afterellen changed their policy in voting for the main Hot 100 and the additional lists. I felt a little bit ripped off because I voted the same women for the lists. Gah, if only I knew that, I would have been able to vote for more women!
Okay, this is how I fare:
Hot 100 list: 9 out of 10 of the women I voted for made the list.
#1: Portia DeRossi (quite a surprise, really)
#3: Lena Headey (you get what you asked for, she asked for this, she got it! Yay!)
#6: Rachel Maddow (I'm surprised also that she's not higher)
#7: Tina Fey (I wanna know her reaction on this. Heheh)
#10: Gro Hammerseng (I'm surprised too on this one, but happily, coz she's only #82 last year, and it's not like she is in big news this year)
#15: Ellen DeGeneres (that makes her #2 hottest women over 40! Yay!!!)
#24: Lisa Ray (Yay! I figured she'd make the list somewhere but I didn't think it'd be this high)
#27: Lucy Lawless (Figured. As long as there are lesbian Xenites, she'll always make the list)
#39: Jodie Foster (Aw! It almost phisically hurts to drop like that.)
In Hottest Out Women, I didn't win the list other than Ellen, Rachel, and Gro who already made the list in Hot 100. But in Hottest Over 40, I got a surprise! Melissa made it!!! Finally! I literally pulled a fist and whispered "YES!" when I read it (I could only whisper because my roommate is sleeping).
Anyway, just go to www.afterellen.com to see the whole list. If you like smart, funny, strong, beautiful women, you'll enjoy the list. I don't normally like hot-list anywhere, but this one is different.
The women I would've voted for but didn't, also made it on their own:
Jennifer Beals, #2 in Hottest, #1 in Hottest women of color, #1 in Hottest over 40
Anne Hathaway
Michelle Obama
Katja Nyberg (Nothing makes me happier like both parts of one of my favorite couples to win a place in hottest contest - I know what that sounds like, but it's true)
Queen Latifah
Meryl Streep
Sandra Bullock
Jane Lynch
Okay, this is how I fare:
Hot 100 list: 9 out of 10 of the women I voted for made the list.
#1: Portia DeRossi (quite a surprise, really)
#3: Lena Headey (you get what you asked for, she asked for this, she got it! Yay!)
#6: Rachel Maddow (I'm surprised also that she's not higher)
#7: Tina Fey (I wanna know her reaction on this. Heheh)
#10: Gro Hammerseng (I'm surprised too on this one, but happily, coz she's only #82 last year, and it's not like she is in big news this year)
#15: Ellen DeGeneres (that makes her #2 hottest women over 40! Yay!!!)
#24: Lisa Ray (Yay! I figured she'd make the list somewhere but I didn't think it'd be this high)
#27: Lucy Lawless (Figured. As long as there are lesbian Xenites, she'll always make the list)
#39: Jodie Foster (Aw! It almost phisically hurts to drop like that.)
In Hottest Out Women, I didn't win the list other than Ellen, Rachel, and Gro who already made the list in Hot 100. But in Hottest Over 40, I got a surprise! Melissa made it!!! Finally! I literally pulled a fist and whispered "YES!" when I read it (I could only whisper because my roommate is sleeping).
Anyway, just go to www.afterellen.com to see the whole list. If you like smart, funny, strong, beautiful women, you'll enjoy the list. I don't normally like hot-list anywhere, but this one is different.
The women I would've voted for but didn't, also made it on their own:
Jennifer Beals, #2 in Hottest, #1 in Hottest women of color, #1 in Hottest over 40
Anne Hathaway
Michelle Obama
Katja Nyberg (Nothing makes me happier like both parts of one of my favorite couples to win a place in hottest contest - I know what that sounds like, but it's true)
Queen Latifah
Meryl Streep
Sandra Bullock
Jane Lynch
Friday, May 08, 2009
Choice
I had a day off today, and just because I've never been there before, I went to Utrecht. The most famous building in that city, I think, is the church. It is very beautiful, indeed. It looks a bit like The Notre Dame Cathedral. This is what it looks like:
(photo credit's not by me)
I talked a bit with one of the church's staff inside. He explained that the building actually consisted of a tower (in the front), and behind the tower was the symetrical building of the church. But then a tornado swept of half of the middle part of the church, so that now it becomes a tower, a field, and the existing half of the church that has been renovated. In between the tower and the church there's this statue.
I have yet to know what it means. Today there are lots of flowers there, I guess it's because May 5th was Holland's independence day. But my eyes, actually, happened to read this on the floor in front of the statue:
I have just google-translated the horizontal words. The translation is like this: "... and other 17 men were convicted in Utrecht and strangled. Their deeds left." The '...' is a name of a person and above it there's a word sodomy and on the upper top there's a date. I don't have any idea what happened and this time the internet doesn't help much. But I do understand the vertical words, and it touches me deeply. It says, "Vandaag, homoseksualiteit mannen and vrouwen kiezen in vrijheid." In English it is, "Today, the homosexual men and women choose in freedom." I guess the complete memorial would mean that some years ago 18 guys were convicted because they were gay, but today, gay men and women can choose freely.
Choose freely, huh? I don't know about that. We have choices, but limited and sone involves lying or cheating or doing something illegally. Even in Netherlands - the country with most freedom in the world, where drugs and prostitutions are legal, where gays can marry and heterosexual couples can live together without getting married but still have almost all the rights of married couples - they still make a chanting of 'All Germany are homos' because they hate German people. Anyway, back to the topic. Like I said, our choices may not be many, but we have choices. We are gay, that's not a choice. But whether we want to admit it to ourselves or to deny it till our last breath, that's a choice. Whether we want to come out or not, that's a choice. Whether we want to get married to someone we don't love or not, that's a choice. Whether we will cheat on that someone or not, that's a choice.
Me? From a long time ago I've decided that I'd rather not marry all my life than having to marry someone I don't love. From the day I started to know Xena I chose to follow love. From the day I came out to myself I decided that I wouldn't let my 'gayness' be whole of me. From the time I started to know Melissa I've chose to follow her path of truthfulness. It's really like a phrase in Melissa's song, "I made every choice along the way, each day I spent in hell I chose to stay." And it's quite a coincidence that today I read her wife's blog talking about the same thing (actually, though, I wrote this a few weeks ago and saved it, and I remembered this post while reading Tammy's blog). I choose to be true to myself, that's all I'm saying. That truth may change from day to day, but I choose truth over consistency. My being gay is not a choice, I believe I was born that way, but it was my choice to accept it humbly, it was my choice to come out to my friends, it was my choice to have pride and dignity in being who I am. And I wouldn't change a thing.
(photo credit's not by me)
I talked a bit with one of the church's staff inside. He explained that the building actually consisted of a tower (in the front), and behind the tower was the symetrical building of the church. But then a tornado swept of half of the middle part of the church, so that now it becomes a tower, a field, and the existing half of the church that has been renovated. In between the tower and the church there's this statue.
I have yet to know what it means. Today there are lots of flowers there, I guess it's because May 5th was Holland's independence day. But my eyes, actually, happened to read this on the floor in front of the statue:
I have just google-translated the horizontal words. The translation is like this: "... and other 17 men were convicted in Utrecht and strangled. Their deeds left." The '...' is a name of a person and above it there's a word sodomy and on the upper top there's a date. I don't have any idea what happened and this time the internet doesn't help much. But I do understand the vertical words, and it touches me deeply. It says, "Vandaag, homoseksualiteit mannen and vrouwen kiezen in vrijheid." In English it is, "Today, the homosexual men and women choose in freedom." I guess the complete memorial would mean that some years ago 18 guys were convicted because they were gay, but today, gay men and women can choose freely.
Choose freely, huh? I don't know about that. We have choices, but limited and sone involves lying or cheating or doing something illegally. Even in Netherlands - the country with most freedom in the world, where drugs and prostitutions are legal, where gays can marry and heterosexual couples can live together without getting married but still have almost all the rights of married couples - they still make a chanting of 'All Germany are homos' because they hate German people. Anyway, back to the topic. Like I said, our choices may not be many, but we have choices. We are gay, that's not a choice. But whether we want to admit it to ourselves or to deny it till our last breath, that's a choice. Whether we want to come out or not, that's a choice. Whether we want to get married to someone we don't love or not, that's a choice. Whether we will cheat on that someone or not, that's a choice.
Me? From a long time ago I've decided that I'd rather not marry all my life than having to marry someone I don't love. From the day I started to know Xena I chose to follow love. From the day I came out to myself I decided that I wouldn't let my 'gayness' be whole of me. From the time I started to know Melissa I've chose to follow her path of truthfulness. It's really like a phrase in Melissa's song, "I made every choice along the way, each day I spent in hell I chose to stay." And it's quite a coincidence that today I read her wife's blog talking about the same thing (actually, though, I wrote this a few weeks ago and saved it, and I remembered this post while reading Tammy's blog). I choose to be true to myself, that's all I'm saying. That truth may change from day to day, but I choose truth over consistency. My being gay is not a choice, I believe I was born that way, but it was my choice to accept it humbly, it was my choice to come out to my friends, it was my choice to have pride and dignity in being who I am. And I wouldn't change a thing.
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