Friday, October 10, 2008

I'm Just Fine

It's been a long time since I feel like writing. So many things are going on in my mind and my heart but I just go back to the 'empty' mode. Do you ever do that to yourselves too? I think I started learning how to make myself feel nothing since I was in junior high school. I'm not sure why but I got picked a lot at that time. Actually I got picked a lot too in kindergarten and in early years of elementary school so it's not a completely new thing... but back to the topic, it's then that I learned to empty myself out. I learned how to not flinch at pain, I learned how not to show emotion no matter how sad or disturbed I was. I wasn't just that I kept it inside me, I kind of took all the emotion and throw them all away. My first love in senior high school actually was the one to break through the walls I put around me and I learned to feel again, only to have that walls up again in second year when I lost her. And then in college I decided to start all over again and I learned to put the walls up and down depending on the circumstances. Especially since I know Melissa, I let out more of myself in the name of health, I don't wanna sow cancer or other diseases in my body.

But the method of emptying myself out is still useful to me, especially in times like this. Right now I'm forced to live IN THE SAME ROOM and work with her for one year. She's acid, totally acid. She's the type of person who normally I wouldn't touch with a ten-feet pole. She's not completely a bad person, and she might be good for others, but she's clearly not good for me. I just don't get her. How can she accused me of having a heart of stone after I said 'I don't care, it's not my business' to her saying that a pizza place has no tables, and so where do the customers are supposed to eat? I don't get it when she said I'm egoistical and measured everything by my own standards when I woke her 15 minutes before we went to train station. I mean, she's a grown up so if she wanted more time, she should wake up by herself, right? Plus, there are THREE alarms went off and I've already asked her if she wanted breakfast. And she woke up everyday 15 minutes before work so what's the difference, rite? And that's why I have to empty myself out to survive. You see, even people who loves each other face lots of problems when they start living together. We've got a whole lots more of troubles, trust me.My love life isn't much better. It kinda went on and off all the while. At first we didn't talk that much, then we got closer and I started liking her better and she went on vacation, then she came back and we got closer again and then she stopped because she had a new job, and it had been a month before I saw her again yesterday. It sucks, let me tell you. First you didn't expect much cause you haven't know each other that much, then as you got to know each other you had a kind of crush on her and she went away for a while, and then when she came back you started to try getting closer to her, impress her and flirt a bit, and you know that you make a good teamwork with her. Then she stopped working with you, and you felt down and tried to forget her, then suddenly she reappeared in your life and you just don't know what to expect anymore, cause suddenly you're in love with her again.I really have no idea what I should do. She might even already has a boyfriend or a guy she likes, though her status still reveals 'single'. I beated her in a game she taught me and she looked kinda down afterwards. But she still invited me to walk her dogs with her, which is actually my favorite moments with her cause we're all alone and I got to enjoy the nature for a moment. It always ended too soon for my liking. Damn. I knew I'm whipped when I couldn't get mad at her for not keeping her promise to me.

Well, there's a good news too. I met a friend of a freind of mine and he saluted me cause he heard how I was doing in my previous training in Indonesia. It was only for three months, but it's very flattering and makes me very proud to hear that I'm remembered in such a good note.

Oh yeah, I smile a lot whenever I watch this video: This song is called I've Got You by Melange Lavonne. I found this video by chance, and I'm in no way a rap/hip-hop fan, but the two videos she made are really touching and the songs are good, so I'll keep an eye on her. Watch this video, trust me. She wrote a song about the family she would like to have someday, imagining taking her kids to the park... saving money to send her children to college. Haha... after I listen to this song I wanted to write a song like this on my own. I've written a wedding song for myself, though I haven't had a bride-to-be just yet, but I haven't written a 'family' song. Well it's still too far away in my mind, besides Melissa has put it down beautifully in 'Truth of The Heart' and 'A Truthful Lullaby', two songs she wrote for her kids. I think I relate to 'I've Got You' more for now, though, cause in the lyrics she admitted that "You weren't even here yet, and I'm preparing myself, yo, I'm trying to give you the best, like love and health (?), so I'm doing everything that I can, even though they keep telling me raising kids is a woman and man."

Ok, that's about all I want to write down for today. Even this I had to squeeze out of my memory. Well see ya sometimes.

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