Holy... Madness!!!

I swear I've never watched anything as obnoxious, absurd, vulgar, ridiculous and idiotic as this one! I don't even know how to explain the plot in words... it's so twisted and... oh well, you've got to watch it to understand it. But you know what? I love it despite all its ridiculousness. And I believe I'm not the only one, cause in fact, most of the casts in this movie are well-known, high-paid, beautiful actors and actresses whose talents are proven again and again. And most of them are my favorites! That's actually why I watched it in the first place. Heh heh.

So, the movie is Holy Weapon (1993). I found it when I was digging through the golden years of Hongkong movies, and when I read the casts I knew I should watch it at least once. Michelle Yeoh. Sandra Ng. Carol 'Dodo' Cheng. Maggie Cheung. Sharla Cheung. Dicky Cheung. Simon Yam. Ng Man-Tat. Damian Lau. Charine Chan and Esther Kwan (dunno who they are, though). Oh well, with those many beautiful women (okay, okay... and men), even if you don't get the humor, you'll still get the eye candy.

I've just remembered Dodo Cheng and Sharla Cheung today, in fact. I've always been a fan of Dodo Cheng, but never knew her name before. I've always thought she reminds me of Julie Andrews (correct that: actually Julie Andrews reminds me of her, cause I found her first!), but her specialty is comedy. She's really cool, though, and I almost screamed all-too-girly when I found out that she once teamed up with Cecilia Yip in a movie called 'Wonder Women'. GOTTA FIND THAT, and SOON! Ps. It's surprisingly hard finding a good picture of her on the net... >:(

Sharla Cheung is another actress I've always been fond of, but never knew the name before. She's great in playing a cruel seducer. Now I can't say she's the type of girl I want to marry, but damn, can anyone really resist her seduction, no matter if you're a guy or a girl? (And guess who she seduced in this movie! I almost got a heart attack! And it's too bad she didn't do drag like this... sigh...)

This movie started out quite seriously, with a man named Super Sword (hm... I guess it didn't even start seriously) betrayed China and sided with Japan to become the king of martial world. He killed so many heroes who opposed him, but he was not satisfied until he defeated Heaven's Sword (again, it's a man's nickname). Heaven's Sword was about to marry (with Michelle Yeoh, dammit!) but he postponed it in order to duel with Super Sword. He then asked his good friend, The Ghost Doctor, to give him 'The Greatest Drug'. The Greatest Drug could double his power and enabled him to defeat Super Sword, but he could die from the side-effect, or at least went crazy. He chose to take it anyway.

Long story short, he defeated Super Sword, but Super Sword escaped him with the promise to return after three years for revenge. Meanwhile the drug took effect and he went crazy, and even drove his fiance away. The story then fast forward to three years later, when Heaven's Sword revealed to Ghost Doctor, who had been taking care of him, about an ultimate martial art book that needed 7 virgins for the formations. Yeah, the story mostly told the story of how those 'seven virgins' met and the hullabaloo surrounding it. It centered around a young man who ran away from his forced marriage, his bride-to-be, a princess he met along the way, the princess' bodyguard who happened to be an omnisexual woman, Heaven's Sword's fiancee who cross-dressed as a man, a disciple of Super Sword who finally left her master (Spider Ninja), Butterfly (her martial sister), and Ghost Doctor's daughter, Blonde (it's her name! And no, she's not blonde).

Please rest your logic and your sanity at the door before you even attempt to watch this movie. Some spoilers for you would include "slow-motion mud", "affectionate kiss" (quite predictably, this will bring some mistaken identity chaos), a green vampire, kicked-out-and-then-swallowed eyeball, love flower (of yoko fame, but this one can glow in the dark and can run away)... oh God, what the hell did I just watch??? Oh, and don't forget the "Feminine Essence Wine", which, drunk by a man, will make his 'little brother' disappeared (and they actually SHOWED this scene in the movie!) everytime he's wet. Yeah, and potion-wise, it can put Harry Potter to shame. Oh, and don't expect a love triangle in this movie. Expect at least a love PENTAGLES!

To be fair, let's talk a bit about the male casts. I've always liked Simon Yam, but it's too bad that I'm a bit allergic to Dicky Cheung since I watched his Sungokong. He's bearable, but it's to him I cringed the most while watching this movie. Damian Lau is okay, still I cannot see which part of him is attractive. He's playing an honorable man, though, so at least I owe him some respect. Ng Man-Tat is one of my favorites at comedy, and he's seemingly EVERYWHERE. He plays comedy well and he plays drama convincingly. That's my guy! :D

I want to save my favorite lady for last, but THIS is the best I can find of her of this movie. Dammit. 

Ah, well, screw logic!!!!

Don't watch this movie for the martial arts, although the moves are great like always (after all they are ALL martial movie veterans, including the producers and the choreographers). Don't watch this movie for the acting although it's star-studded. Don't watch this movie if you expect anything Oscar related. Only watch this movie if you want to go crazy for a while and have fun, watching those lovely ladies and laughing at the crazy jokes. It's the kind of movie you'll either love or hate, and you'll never know until you give it a try.

PS. Reading any review about this movie is almost as entertaining. LMAO!!!

SPOILERS!!!
Maybe one of the reasons that I love this movie is because I'm a fan girl. Some of the girls fell in love with other girls, voluntarily or otherwise, and although it wasn't exactly 'reciprocated', in the end two of the girls went off together (my favorite comedic duoooo!!!) and the other two would share a husband (I would give everything to be THAT bastard, cause those two happened to be MY FAVORITE!!!). Of course they beat Super Sword in the end, but guess what, it wasn't those seven virgins who beat them, but SIX virgins and an MTF transgendered virgin. Yeah. Sanity at the door, remember?

   

Rizzles Guide For Beginners

 

Gosh, don’t you hate it when a show you love goes through a pause for a long time? And Rizzles has made me wait for a year before! After only 10 episodes! Now after they aired another 10 episodes, they went on a break until November, when they’ll air 5 more episodes, and then another looooooong break! I’m so glad that Xena was aired here years ago, we don’t have that kind of a system. Otherwise I can’t imagine the withdrawal I would have gone through!

So, this is the first week in 11 weeks that I don’t have Rizzles playing on my computer on Wednesday night, and if I can’t have new episodes, best I can do is to do some reminiscence, while helping you newbie to the world of Rizzles goodness.

1. Rizzles

The relationship pairing of Detective Jane Rizzoli and Dr Maura Isles in a romantic way. Of the show Rizzoli & Isles on TNT. Based on the uber-gay subtext of the show. (Urbandictionary.com)

I haven’t seen this much chemistry between two main characters of a TV show who are not even a couple since Xena. I bet everything if one of them is actually a man, they’d have been a couple years ago. But I like it this way, too. It makes the writers being able to be creative and flirting with fans. It makes fans being creative: writing fanfics, creating music videos, creating gifs of certain scenes, even writing an anthem! You can even read Dorothy Surrenders’ brilliant gay recaps on Afterellen.com (it’s even more hilarious than the actual scenes, I tell you)! She also invented #gayzzoli which rules Twitter world every Monday, and the terms like eye sex and TGTGT that I’ll tell you about later.

2. Eye Sex, TGTGT, and LLBFFs

Cause they’re not officially a couple on screen, of course there are no love scenes for Jane and Maura. BUT, in my opinion they do something that conveys love much more effective than just sex scene! Meet: EYE SEX.

  

This is NOT an example of eye sex… it’s just that Jane can’t control herself at times.

And this happens not just once per episode, I tell you. It happens practically every time they are in the same place. And the TGTGT!!! It’s short for Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching. Like this:

  

And HUNDREDS of other moments you’ll find on the show. I know, I know, straight girls do that too… but watch the show before you argue for that! Plus, like they stated it themselves, they’re not BFFs. They’re LLBFFs. Jane said it was short for Long Life Best Friends Forever. Thanks to Dorothy, we know it’s Lesbian Lovers But Faking as Friends.

With this much material, comes the Drinking Game!

The Rules 
(copied from http://rizzlesgirls.blogspot.com/2011/08/drinking-game.html)

The rules are fairly simple: one drink/shot of your choice every time one of the following criteria is met. In order to avoid inducing mass liver failure, you can limit the game to a 5 shot maximum. Knock one back every time:

1. Either Rizzoli or Isles tries to forcibly/awkwardly set the other up with a man, usually after spending the evening talk about each other – this also includes nudging each other to date someone of the male persuasion right at the end of a long, intimate scene between them.

2. Engaging in any stereotypical lesbian behavior – including softball, home repair, etc.

3. Friends/parents/relatives of Rizzoli and Isles trying to set them up with people other than each other.

4. Intimate dinners – including restaurant variety, home variety, and in any case where one cooks for the other and there are candles and wine present.

5. Sleeping in the same bed/couch/squad car – bonus, 2 shots.

6. Stares lasting longer than 3 seconds.

7. Adorable bickering which generally relates to sexual tension (use your best lesbian discretion).

8. One of them saying, “I’ll come along,” in a situation where she need not be present, and providing a dumb, unrelated reason for it. Example, “I’m going to interrogate a suspect.” “I’ll come…I’ve always liked the peanut M&Ms in the break room.”

9. Going out for drinks together and rebuffing/eliminating any and all male interaction.

10. Any character telling Rizzoli & Isles they “make a great team” with a straight face.

11. Complaining to each other about their inability to find a compatible mate, all while being completely compatible mates.

12. Rescuing/saving/protecting one another above and beyond the call of duty, especially when it involves excessive hugging and touching.

13. Touching hands for any extended length.

Think it’s hard to get drunk with these rules from a totally straight TV show? Think again. It’s been known that with Rizzles you’ll be drunk before the theme song even begins.

3. Fan Works

Naturally, a show with this much tension creates frustration for fans, and we need some release. That comes with the fan works: fan fictions, fan arts, photo manipulations, music videos, etc. And unlike Xena, this time the fans have LOTS of golden materials. THIS is created with ONLY the first episode cuts, for crying out loud!

 

And I love the gifs. Manipulation is not much needed with Rizzles, indeed.

  

Oh, and the fan fictions! Those are my bed time stories nowadays, literally. Most of them are fun and well-written, though with all due respect, I find Xenaverse writers to be far more creative in their writing (this is the proof. X&G fics have covered almost every job ever created, and then some!). My favorite Rizzles fic has to be Lady Neeko (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2868447/Lady_Neeko), who wrote about the FOUR children of Rizzoli-Isles households.

4. Twitter

One of the best thing about this show is not only the actresses have their own twitters, THE CHARACTERS of the show also have their twitter! And they tweets to each other! That’s really amusing in my opinion, and of course, the fans picked up EVERYTHING gayzzoli.

 

  

Let’s see… here are the list of the characters’ twitters:

@JaneRizzoli
@MauraIsles
@VinceKorsak            ---> Jane’s ex-partner
@DetBarryFrost         ---> Jane’s current partner
@FrankieRizzoli          ---> Jane’s little brother (Tommy Rizzoli hasn’t had Twitter?)
@AngelaRizzoli           ---> Jane’s mother aka Mama Rizzoli
@rizzoliplumbing         ---> Jane’s father
@Joe_Friday_Dog      ---> Jane’s dog
@Tortoise_Isles          ---> Maura’s tortoise, Bass

Oh, and Mama Rizzoli also support Rizzles, it seems:

LOL. Yeah, I loooooooove this show. It’s a lot of fun, and when it’s low on fun, it means that it has a very good crime case (this is a detective TV show, although I forget about that most of the time – and I’m not the only one).

  

One last note about Rizzles: it’s highly ADDICTIVE. So I suggest you to think twice before throwing yourself out there, cause you’ll soon be joining us in RAA (Rizzles Addicts Anonymous – just google the site).

There you go! Now you’re good to go to the land of Rizzles. See ya around on November!

NB: Feel free to claim the pics I used. I really can’t remember where I got them. If you own them and don’t want them posted here, I’ll remove them. They’re just so brilliant I just have to share them! Thank you.