Stupid Rantings

If loving you is to suffer
then by your side I will stay
until it reaches your heart someday
You are the light that has guided me down this road, never to lose my way again
Make me your shadow so that anywhere you may go
I'll be there to protect you and I'll be there to hold you
Baby can't you see I may not be the best there is
I can only offer you my heart
and a vow for never be apart
You are the life I've been searching on forever
Somewhere to rest my mind
And a place to call home

The first two lines of this lyric is a plagiat from other song (even though it's in Japanese so technically it's not a plagiat, rite?). Well, either way it's one of my favorite song by me. Heh heh. And I'm just feeling like bragging. Haha. Kidding. Nah, it's because I remember about my 2nd love today because of a coincidence. The girl's initial is DN. Today a guest came to my station and she asked me for some help considering a gift to her client. She was pretty and she looked a bit like DN, so I noticed her right away. Then I asked her for her name, and damn, believe it or not her name was D. Later on, I asked her to whom the gift was given. The answer is to a woman named N. I couldn't help but grinning like an idiot the rest of the day. Well, it's more like a bittersweet smile than a grin, but I felt a little bit giddy from that coincidence. Part of what made me so much in love with DN in the past was the intriguing connection between us. We got sick at the same time (it wasn't flu season), there was a blackout the moment she walked into the room where I was, I talked to her in my mind and she actually did what I said (it was freaky to me, actually), heck, I met her on the first day of the turning point in my life! I'm a very romantic person, and honestly, all those coincidences would be great for a book or a movie. It felt like she was destined to be mine. Alas that's not the case. Life's not that easy, huh?

When I wrote the first verse of this song, she was the one who popped up in my head. I knew if I were a man, I'd have been the perfect man for her. I loved her first. I watched closely as she grew from a worm into a butterfly, but I'm the one who was in love with her when she was still a worm.

I'm still not giving up. I still believe in a happy ever after, I still believe in a love that lasts forever. I still want this: http://ryanverse.blogspot.com/2007/04/what-makes-family-family.html, as much as I wanted it two years ago. The only difference is that I used to say that I Want To Be In Love... now I know that I need a Fearless Love. Hihihi :D

Prophecy

Well, not exactly a prophecy. More like fortune-telling. And I didn't ask, actually. She asked me about my birthdate and the exact time. When I told her, she told me that I'm still single because although lots of people like me, when I response to them, they will step back. The same thing happens with the people I like. When they finally response to me, I will lose interest to them.

I'm never one to really believe in fortune telling or prophecy, but when it holds some truth to my situation or my history, I'll remember it. In this case, I later figured that my birth-time was actually in pm, not am, so the fortune-telling is actually not correct, but strangely, I think this one is truer to my condition. I always believed that at a time, my first love was in love with me more than as a friend, but at that time I thought of her only as my best friend. I was smitten with some other girl. Then I slowly recognized her, beooming closer to her, and then, suddenly she ran away from me. Believe it or not, we turned from best friends to strangers in one-day time, with nothing important happened. We didn't have a fight, we didn't have an argument, she just suddenly pulled herself away from me and cause I was hurt, I gave her a cold shoulder too. Anyway, it did happen often. With my second crush, I did make a move, she wouldn't make a response. Then when she made the move, I was too scared to be hopeful. Also with the girl I met in Holland... she was perfect, but then we fell into that push-pull trap. Until now I never really know what she thinks of me. She was kind, so maybe she said it all out of kindness, but we ever had a kind of 'date'. Well, if you can call walking dogs together in a park as a 'date'. For me, it is. There were only her and me. We talked about everything at all. And she said she had a good time, that she liked it, and she extended the invitation. I have no idea why I never called her to the third 'date'. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was fate... but she remembered those times after almost one year with almost no contact. By then I was angry with her, though (for a different problem).

Well I have no idea if what is said is true or not, but I do realize that somehow, although I want love so much, I fear it. Don't ask me why, it's not like I've been dumped or anything. Maybe it's simply the fear of facing something new. I've never been in an official relationship, and as often as I said to myself that I could always bail out of a relationship that doesn't work, I look at a relationship as critically as I would a marriage. That's stupid, but that's the truth.

Oh well, reciprocated or not, being in love is fun. It inspires me to be a better person, it inspires me in writing songs, and it makes me feel alive. Right now I think I'd better be focused on my work. Actually it would be better to fall in love with someone at work this time around, coz I really hate that job, but there's no one at the moment that intrigues me. And you know what? It feels like Melissa could hear my prayer, she just released her single 'Fearless Love' for her fans club. I haven't heard the song, but really, her lyrics talk to me:

I want to live my life
Pursuing my happiness
I want a fearless love
I won't settle for anything less