Ryanverse

Never Make A Clown Sad

2011-10-21T01:32:00.001+07:00

I've long trusted in Ellen's jokes. She's been through a lot of ups and downs as a human being before she's as successful as now, and it's in her jokes where she writes down those experiences and the wisdom she got from them. Long, long time ago, she wrote a joke about there's nothing worse than a sad clown. (The exact quote was, "There's nothing worse than a sad lesbian. Except for a sad lesbian clown." But you get what I mean.) and I've just had an experience why it is so.

Really, there should be a rule somewhere that a comedian not be allowed to act in a tragic role. Heh heh. I only half-kidding. It's true! As sad as it is to watch a person going through a tragic fate, it's even harder when that person is usually the person who makes you laugh. I haven't encountered such a person in real world, and even though Ellen's story years ago was pretty close to the description, I didn't know her personally and I didn't even know her when she went through that. Now, I felt that way about one of Dodo Cheng's characters.

You see, I've forgotten where I found her in my childhood, but when I re-discovered her again last month, it was through some comedy movies. In fact, one of the reason I like her so much is because of her brilliance in comedy. Although she's not a comedian, she's a great actress who can even make me laugh with just her expression. But that's the problem! She's a great actress, and she did act in some serious roles. Women's Prison's Lynn, for example. Lynn is not really a tragic role, though. I'd say she's a fighter. And there's her role in 'Tiger Cage', where she acted as a policewoman, whose boyfriend was killed the night before their wedding. I'm not sure if it's because her acting is not strong enough or the character was supposed to restrain her feeling (she was a policewoman after all), I didn't feel that much hurt for her. (I actually anticipated it, hugging my pillow and saying repeatedly, "Ouch, ouch, ouch, this is gonna hurt like hell"... but it didn't hurt that much.)

Until To Liong To! That's the Heavenly Sword and Dragon Saber circa 1986, which was aired in Indonesia when I was just a kid. Since I've already re-watched Return of The Condor Heroes circa 1983, and I've found out that Simon Yam and Dodo were paired for Zhang Wu Ji's parents in that series, I think, what the heck, I'd re-watch it too. Problem is that I can't find any subtitle for that series, and it's in Cantonese! Luckily there's still a Chinese subtitle on it or I won't even understand one word said. Oh, and I read the translated e-book of the series, but unfortunately the book is only half-translated. Fine, then. I'd just watch it until the suicide scene. Damn my curiosity!

I have to admit that Simon Yam might be my favorite on-screen partner for Dodo Cheng (don't even mention Chow Yun Fat! For some personal reasons, I HATE that guy!). I also quite enjoyed the plot, although it's pretty crazy. My father once warned me that Wuxia literature is crazy, but its craziness is the reason why it's so addictive. He was so right! The day I read the book, I didn't sleep all night finishing it. Of course along the story I yelled and cursed, "Are you fucking kidding me???" "For the love of GOD!!!" "C'mon, how the heck am I supposed to believe THAT???" "Fuck, fuck, fuck, nooooo!!!" But despite all those incredulousness I felt, I just can't stop. It's as addictive as Harry Potter, I tell ya.

Anyway, yes, I knew there was a double suicide of Zhang Cao San and Yin Su Su, but I didn't remember how they met and how they ended up killing themselves and left little Wu Ji alone. I thought it'd be over in one or two episodes of the TV series, but it turned out that their story lasted for 11 episodes. The story is a mix between wuxia, Titanic and Robinson Crusoe. Yes, crazy, right? I kinda like it, though. But it also has a bad effect on me: I warmed up to the characters. I began to like Xie Xun, I began to admire Zhang Cao San and adore Yin Su Su. And then, bam! The double suicide. It hurtssss!! First of all, they left a child behind, and he was bawling, so how can you not cry with him? (Not to mention there were also six grown up heroes who cried at that scene.) Second of all, they were cornered by everyone, to the point that even if they didn't kill themselves, they might be murdered one way or the other. Third of all, like I said before, Dodo Cheng usually makes me laugh. When she cried so tragically, how can it not break my heart? There's no sadder thing than a sad clown, indeed!

If Zhang Wu Ji ever blamed his parents for leaving him behind so young, I would blame Zhang Cao San. He knew the whole story of how his third brother getting hurt after Yin Su Su's confession, and he still blamed her for it? She did hurt him but on a curable level! She gave him an antidote and sent him back to Wudang, and even rescued him from his attacker - she even got poisoned during the rescue. What was he thinking, really, killing himself for that? It’s pretty selfish, in my opinion. He’s leaving Yin Su Su and Wu Ji alone to face those other people, who’d sure be going after them still for Xie Xun’s whereabouts. Yin Su Su’s suicide on the other hand, is understandable for me, cause how can she live with herself, knowing that she’s the reason of her husband’s suicide? Although she didn’t deserve to be blamed for all of the mess, Cao San was much more of an innocent. She simply had no choice but to follow him.

I actually remember about Yin Su Su’s suicide, but not this version. It’s Sharla Cheung’s version from Jet Li’s Kung Fu Cult Master. Her last words were quite memorable, asking her young son to revenge them and telling him never to trust women. “The more beautiful a woman is, the more capable she is to lie.” I have to laugh at that, cause indeed, Wu Ji’s life would be lived among beautiful women who were all quite good liars. Sharla’s suicide scene didn’t make me cry, though, cause Cao San actually ‘told’ her beforehand about his suicide. She didn’t cry, and Wu Ji collapsed before he had time to mourn. Dodo’s version, however, was more loyal to the book. She didn’t know Cao San’s plan, so when she found out about it, she was shocked, grieved, and guilt-stricken all at once. Wu Ji also was just found back, so it was quite overwhelming for her: she lost her husband, found back her son, and knew that she must leave her son again very soon. To her credit, Dodo acted out all of those feelings perfectly. Oh, and she actually crawled back to Cao San before she died. Wu Ji and Wutang people grieved deeply for some moments before Wu Ji collapsed. It was just tragic.

Okay, now this is a bit out of topic, but I’ve been wondering. Since I came out to myself and to others, I feel some kind of responsibility to make sure I support people/company who support LGBT community. Of course this is not an obligation, but mostly I find that straight people who support LGBT people willingly are usually wise and kind. This is not my selfishness talking, I swear. They are wise because they don’t succumb to society and religion’s prejudice just like that. They are willing to look over past the ‘normal’ boundary into the reality that LGBT people are just… people. No more and no less. Logically speaking, they have to be somewhat kind, too, because they’re willing to support or fight for the rights of people who actually don’t concern them.

Let it be noted that I don’t automatically support/like everything gay, and I don’t dislike/trash everything straight, of course. There are narrow-minded companies who produced great products and there are narrow-minded people who are talented. Sad as it is, there are also LGBT members and open-minded people who are criminals, crazy, or even evil. So far, though, I find that all my favorite people/companies are at least gay-friendly. Now I’ve been trying to search for an interview or something about Dodo Cheng that in some way implies her stand on this issue, to no avail. Please help me if you happen to be able to read/listen Chinese/Cantonese or have ever watched/heard about it. Besides my personal curiosity, it’d be nice to now how Eastern culture views the issue. I find it interesting that I’ve never put much thought on this before, since I’ve been a fan of Chinese/Hong Kong movies forever.

That’s it for now. I’m kinda busy. I said before there’s no way I’m downloading a hundred episode of a TV series in a language I don’t even understand. Well apparently I was wrong, cause I’m downloading them even as we speak. Heh heh :D

Update: Oooookay. ROTFL! Dodo’s character has just been hit on by a lesbian! Lol! And not just any lesbian, a really crazy one. Somehow I even heard Lucy Lawless’ name mentioned in the meeting of how to get rid of her, but I’m not sure. Well, I hope that doesn’t represent the lesbian stereotypes in HK, cause as crazy as I am, I would never pursue a straight women like that, I have no tendency to cut myself, and I didn’t understand the rest of the conversation. But honestly, if a lesbian like that went after me, I too would have literally run away like Ms. Mo did. Bwahahahah!

Oh, Carol!

2011-10-13T02:58:00.001+07:00

Okay, first of all, a warning! This would be the outlet to vent out my frustration to the lack of source on the net about a Singapore sitcom, “Oh Carol!” starred ~ you guessed it ~ Carol ‘Dodo’ Cheng. I’ve been looking and looking and looking for that sitcom online for days, and I found next to nothing! I found two SMALL clips of that, though, and I KNEW I’ll love it. First of all, it’s Dodo Cheng and it’s a comedy. #2: It’s in ENGLISH!!!! Yay! #3: She played a character not unlike Ellen Morgan. Well, a straight Ellen. Or, Ellen in her first 3,5 seasons. #4: There’s a little girl involved. (No, I don’t have a Lolita complex! It’s just that an added cuteness couldn’t hurt, and would probably makes the sitcom funnier.)

So this time, instead of talking about the characters I love, let’s talk about the actress for a change. Come to think of it, it breaks my heart that there isn’t much Dodo movie left for me to download. As productive as she was, lots of them were TV stuffs and I’m not going to download 100-episode of a sitcom, much less when I don’t know if I’m even able to get the subtitle for that. I even have to accept the fact that I won’t be able to fully understand some movies I downloaded. Thank God there’s still the Mandarin audio or I won’t be able to understand it AT ALL! (For the record: on the scale 1-10, my Mandarin understanding is about 1. Hiks!)

I have to say Her Fatal Ways and Women Prison are still my favorite and her most memorable roles for me. I love her in every roles, though, cause she played each of them with such dedication that it’s hard not to believe her acting. And by Gods she’s been in so much variety of roles! From tough ass to damsel-in-distress. From high-class lady to prostitute. From beautiful to ugly. There is even one role of cross-dressing as a man (but sadly, not a real role as a man, like Cecilia Yip. Hiks!). Oh, and there’s one where she played Liang Shan Bo to Maggie Cheung’s Zhu Ying Tai. God only knows why they’re named such, cause they’re cousins who hate each other’s guts! (Note: Liang Shan Bo and Zhu Ying Tai are the couple from the famous Butterfly Lovers story.) Oh, and I inclined to believe her English with heavy accent in HFW 4 to be a part of her acting, cause in fact English was her strong point in school and years before she sang an English song perfectly. I’ve got to give her credit for that, cause I know many Cantonese speaking people who are not so good in English, and I swear THAT’S how they talk!!!

I wonder about one thing, though. I knew I grew up with her movies and her face is so familiar to me, but the only movie of her I remember watching as a kid is ‘Master Wong vs Master Wong’. Her acting left such a deep impression on me even though I knew nothing about love back then. I even remembered being so angry with Wong Fei Hung and that Aunt 13. Lol. Oh, and she played Tio Bu Ki’s mother early in the series (To Liong To 1986, CMIIW). I vaguely remembered that, but not so much. But where else? Why did she seem so familiar to me when I only watched two small roles of her?

Googling her is also a challenge for me. There is so little her in English, and not even one fan site. I kinda blamed Jackie Chan for this. In the ONE role she played with him, she played one of THREE damsels in distress. Gah! What a waste of international introduction! She’s remembered for that role only for that TOWEL SCENE (which, I admit, is pretty hot, but c’mon!). Why can’t he gave her a role like Michelle’s in Supercop? (Although, Michelle Yeoh and Jackie Chan will remain my favorite action partners, ever!)

Oh well, thankfully wikipeda/IMDB’s biography is reliable enough. I just had to laugh at one thing, though. I tried to google her name in Chinese, and then using Google Translate for the result. Because usually they write her name like this: DoDo(嘟嘟) or 鄭裕玲 (嘟嘟), when I translated it to English, they become: DoDo (beep) and Carol Cheng (beep). Worse: when there’s no parenthetic marks, the translation become: toot. LOL!

My biggest fan dream is perhaps for Ellen and Dodo to interview each other. They are really different on many levels, and yet I think they’re quite similar, too. Both keep their health intact (six packs at 50s, I tell ya! Dodo, not Ellen… haha), both have their own style and stick with it, both are successful hosts, both work really hard (rumor has it, Dodo once shot 9 movies in a day. That’s just crazy), both control their meals and do yoga… yup, it’ll be very interesting to watch.

For now, though, I’ll just share some pictures I’ve just got. It’s hard work, I tell ya! She’s still active until now, so the old pictures are usually hidden deep, deep, in the net, not to mention that when you google using her English name, there are not much to find. So when I found these, I almost cried, literally. Lol. Oh, and for a side note, it isn’t that I don’t find her beautiful nowadays (Granted, she’s not as pretty as her younger days, but now she looks stronger and maturer. That’s never a bad thing), but ogling a woman about my mom’s age is just.. wrong.

If this is the 80’s I’ll be hanging the pic on the right on my door. Thankfully I can just carry it everywhere on my cell nowadays *evil laugh*

The right one is sooooo Lynn! *Kakilemastangangemetarpanasdingin*

Note to self: telling my future girlfriend to pose like the left pic when she’s waiting for me on our date!

These two are just too beautiful not to post, don’t you think?

Last but not least, here’s a little gem I found several days ago. The singer is David Lui Fong, her boyfriend for 16 years (broken up in 2008). The song is not bad, but here’s what I’ve gotta say: I don’t have much money, so my dream girl would be a girl who’d beam like that after receiving a balloon from me. Lol. Seriously, that’s cute beyond belief. Usually I AM the girl who reacts like that after getting even a smile from someone I have a crush on, so it’ll be nice if one day I could be the one to cause such a reaction from another girl. :D

(Ps. Click on the pic for the vid.)

My Fair Lady

2011-10-08T14:50:00.001+07:00

You can see how much I love a woman (or a character) based on how much and how often I write about them. Lol. It’s true. I just can’t get my mind off of her just yet. I promise I will… in two months or so. :D

Okay, so, today I listen to Julie Andrews’ My Fair Lady (I still hold a grudge to whoever it is that decided she’s not PRETTY enough to star in the movie! Because of that bastard I don’t get to watch a full performance of Julie Andrews in maybe on of the best musical ever). Aaaand as you can guess, instead of Eliza Doolittle's face I got Cheng Shih-nan’s face singing “Just You Wait”. Lol. Well, it’s not completely out of place. If you ever watch ‘Her Fatal Ways’ and you listen to “Just You Wait”, you can imagine that Cheng Shih-nan could ever well be Eliza Doolittle, just with a different race. The same passionate and fiery spirit. The same conventional ways and manners. The same rich imaginations. Heck, like I said before, Julie Andrews and Dodo Cheng’s looks don’t differ that much!

One more similarity between the two: Eliza was finally changed into a proper lady. In Her Fatal Ways 4, Cheng Shih-nan also changed into someone I barely knew!!! Whoever decided it was a good idea to turn Cheng Shih-nan into a ‘true Hongkie’ (her word, not mine!) needed to see a doctor. The story even started FIVE years after Shih-nan stopped being a police and moved to Hong Kong. WTF? First of all, she looooooved her country so much, why would she move? Did she forget that although to reach her house in China she needed to walk for hours, her feet can’t stand the 8 stories climb in Hong Kong’s apartments? She didn’t even have a job in Hong Kong yet, and even after five years we still saw her struggling with making a living (in a chicken costume, no less!), and suddenly, she was asked to take over a big security company. Yes, the job suited her just fine, but it’s just… surreal.

She and her nephew still practiced English (and changed her name to Senyelgit Cheng), that’s a pretty good laugh (I really don’t like the accent, though, it’s reminding me of someone I don’t wanna be reminded of!). But I laughed the hardest when they started speaking French. OMG! How I wish I could share the brilliance of their French! (And now I understand why some people said French is the sexiest language. Hm.)

Yes, you saw that? One of the most obvious change in Shih-nan is in HER LOOK! I don’t know if I should complain or just droll. She’s MUCH prettier than the other Shih-nan (and older too), but that’s simply not the Shih-nan I loveeeeeee!!!! From looks only, my favorite Shih-nan is in the second movie. Really, really cute! Thank God for the change in clothes, though. Even her uniform is reaaaaally coooool this time! <Droooolll>

<Wiping the droll> Yup. Ehm. Good change. Ehm. But she’s much too competent in her job! It somehow makes her much too cool to be Shih-nan (and damn, she’s really, really cool in this one. I miss my awkward Shih-nan! Hiks…)

And she fell in love, this time with a foreigner, no less, a Scottish man. He was sent by… his boss to attack Shih-nan’s only weakness: her virginity. Of course eventually he fell in love with her (she’s that much irresistible), but until the end we see no closure to that ‘secret mission’! Somehow we just assume she never finds out about that. I just want to see her beat the crap out of him, I admit. As much as I love seeing the cutesy that is Shih-nan-in-love, I can’t help but wanting him to just… go. I looove the scene in the elevator, though, when Shih-nan and John was robbed, and Shih-nan managed to turn back the situation…

And that stupid guy whispered thank you in her ear…

And she dropped the gun!!!! ROTFL!!!

Well, she still managed to catch the gun before it even hit the floor. Like I said, this Shih-nan is much too cool!

Oh, one other good thing about this movie is the addition of Sandra Ng as her cousin. They do often play together in movies, to my delight, although it’s not often that they get to actually interact. Even in this movie, they’re not in the same screen that often. Gah!

Oi, oi, where’s the lovely geeky glassessssss? How many wrongs can one movie make? Gah! If you’re not careful, I’ll be in love with Lynn instead. Lol.

Truth be told, I find it hard to stay faithful to Shih-nan. LOL! Wait, wait, hear me out! Dodo Cheng’s characters usually are quite different one from the other, but so far I find most of them are soooo kind-hearted, and that’s the weakness in me! Let’s see, so far it’s kinda tie between Cheng Shih-nan and Lynn (funny that is, should I choose the virgin or the hooker? No, I’m not badmouthing Lynn, that is indeed her profession!) – thanks to the failed HFW 4. And then this girl from Master Wong vs. Master Wong, who took lots of kicks from Wong Fei Hung, no less, in order to protect a little girl:

And to make her even cooler, she actually fell for Wong Fei Hung, but she helped him reunite with his lover instead. This character is half comedic and half dramatic, and I like her a lot, that’s for sure!

And then The Queen of Gambling. She’s got a great poker face, but she’s actually quite vulnerable. She practically risked her life finding money to bring her brother to a doctor. She’s really smart and she’s lucky! I can use some luck in my life, I’m really not on the lucky side, you know. Lol.

I’m not sure if this one is just Dodo Cheng or one of her characters, but hot damn! I would drop a gun too if this girl is in front of me. Sorry, Michelle, you just got out-cool-ed! (Ps. You don’t want to know what I had to go through to find this picture. Hh…)

Yeah, well, Inspector Cheng is still topping the list for me, if it’s because I know about her more than any of those girls, and I’m pretty sure I can live being married to her. That’s saying a lot, cause her house needs hours of walking, has no electricity, has only MANUAL shower (one of the scenes I love most in the movies. It showed how proud she is! Hehehe…), and don’t forget about her daily antics that would grant curses for those around her. But just like those men around her, I too am attracted to her like moths to flame. And that’s what I am right now: a burned out moth. Oh. Shit.

Oh, Shit!

2011-10-06T00:44:00.001+07:00

Have you ever been in love… (wait, don’t answer it just yet) …with a fictional character? It happens quite a lot to me but it’s not exactly love. More like a crush, that’s it. But this time I’m really falling for a very fictional character and I’m freaking out. Oh shit is right.

Before you judge me (yes, my love life is non-existent right now, but I’m not that desperate!), let me explain logically why you could easily fall for a fictional character.

1. You know the person very well. If it’s a fictional character in a book, it’s even more so, cause sometimes you’ll even know what’s inside their heart and mind. This is especially true for characters in TV series or books/movies with sequels.

2. If it’s a TV/movie character, big chance they’re played by an actress/actor you admire, who’s likely to be more beautiful than average people.

3. They possess skills or talents you admire.

You see, I admire lots of beautiful, talented actresses and I love some of them, but it’s very clear to me that they’re not the characters they played (especially since most of them are VERY different than the person they portrayed on screen). Therefore, although I can love some actresses, I don’t think I can really fall in love with them.

Of course, there are more disadvantages than advantages of falling for a fictional characters (are there really any advantages at all for that?). But since when does love and attraction care about logic? You get to know someone, and suddenly you care a great deal about them. That’s it. Here are some obvious disadvantages that come to mind right now:

1. You’ll never meet them. This is the blatantly obvious one. Even if you meet the actress/actor/author, they’re just not the person you fall in love with.

2. Some confusion/frustration when you see the same actress/actor playing a different role.

3. There’s absolutely nothing you can do except to wait until the feelings go away, and that’s quite a torture. LOL!

Well you know whom I love right now, right? (Clue: read the post before this.) Today I happen to say, “Oh, shit!” a lot more than usual, and I giggle afterwards EVERY damn time! That’s ridiculous, really. And it’s not like I say it on purpose. I had to eat instant noodle for breakfast. I forgot to bring my towel to the bathroom. I had to wait 30 minutes for my… well, ‘client’. I forgot to wear my thicker jacket so I was freezing all 1 hour to and from the ‘client’s house. My jacket’s zipper was broken. My 1 GB download that I’ve downloaded for 3 days turned out to be useless after all. My internet couldn’t connect when I needed it most. My dinner only consisted of two slices of bread. My sleep was interrupted by an urgent request (but not an important one!) from my mother. Damn right, I said “Oh, shit!” more times today than the average week. But you know what? Thanks to that stupid being in love business, I giggle every time I said it, so my irritation goes away real quick.

Oh, and more ‘oh shit’ today when I was watching “Women’s Prison”. Another movie starred Dodo Cheng, although she’s not the main character. That’s a pretty tough movie, although somehow it still maintains some light-heartedness. Lots of agony and “oh shit” moments, though… if you watch this movie, you’ll kinda know what’ll happen next, and it’s not good! Particularly this one scene:

Ouch indeed. The movie built up well, and the final ‘battle’ is just.. wow. It’s a very good movie in my opinion, and from the VERY few reviews I read about this movie, I’m not the only one. I wonder why this movie is so underrated. Controversial? Maybe. Going to labor and raising kids in the prison, lesbian rape, drugging the prisoner, and lots of physical fights.

I’ll admit that I couldn’t take my eyes off of Dodo in this movie. She’s a brilliant all-around actress, but she’s more known to her comedy than anything else – and she can do that with just her facial expression. It’s another testimony of her brilliance that she can play this Lynn girl so perfectly. Arrogant, uneducated (totally opposite to the bookish Cheng Shin-nan), rash, tough, but fair and kind-hearted.

The main character has my sympathy. She’s the typical ‘good girl who goes to jail just because’ – in this case, she hurt a loan shark who hit her and her mother. She’s a woman with dignity, and she has a pretty hard time adjusting to prison life. But she’s pretty lucky compared to others in that prison, so I don’t care that much for her. I respect her bravery and her loyalty to her friends, but that’s it.

Dodo’s character, on the other hand, makes me feel. She used to be the Big Sister in the prison, and she doesn’t like knowing how the new leader takes the role. The new Big Sister, aka Fatty, with the help of the prison guard started picking on her, and naturally she fights back. She knows she’s right and she won’t obey the prison guard, and they drugged her. If I was there I would’ve been drugged too, for attacking the guards. It just broke my heart seeing such a lively spirit being reduced into someone who can’t even eat on her own (and she has face and body with my movie wife, dammit!).

The part with Lynn’s being drugged is one of the most heartbreaking moment of the movie. Even when she’s drugged she still refuses to sign a paper in which it was stated that she agreed to receive the drug. Therefore they kept drugging her. The main character, Kelly, was put into an isolated cell for helping her walk to the toilet (even in her drugged condition, Lynn tried her best to make Kelly release her when the guard came. See why I admire her so much?). That left Lynn in the care of her other friend, Jane, who practically did everything for her. Some heartbreaking scenes here, too, when Lynn cried while Jane was washing her feet. It was Jane who finally succeed in making Lynn signing the paper and gaining back her strength.

The final battle has one of my favorite Dodo Cheng expression ever:

Love it cause usually Dodo’s face makes me laugh (or when it’s dramatic it makes me cry). There’s no way that’ll make me laugh or cry. I'll just run away as far as I can! Lol. No, seriously. It’s a rare role for Dodo Cheng (or perhaps I just don’t care to watch her movies with a genre I don’t like).

Aaaaaanyway. Bottom line is, while trying to logically defend myself, I still think falling in love with a fictional character is pretty lame and stupid. Haha. But I REALLY can’t help it, so I’d just enjoy it while it lasts, right? Oh, and while we’re talking about love, please check out this video I made. Enjoy :D

Ode to Inspector Cheng

2011-10-04T23:19:00.001+07:00

Let me sing the song of a magnificent police inspector. Her name is Cheng Shin-nan. Quite frankly, you’ll want to kill her (or kill yourself for that matter) if you ever meet her. But once you know her you’ll find yourself drawn to her and the next thing you know you can’t get her out of your mind it makes you crazy.

Okay, maybe that’s just me. Lol. You see, I looooooove women. I admire lots of them and I even adore some of them, fictional and real women alike. It’s even easier with TV/movie characters, as we could get to know the character, and adore them, not necessarily the actresses. But as much as I love Xena I couldn’t imagine having her as my wife. As much as I adore Idy Chan’s beauty, living with Xiao Long Nu in the tomb will perhaps bore me to death. Judging by her character, Inspector Cheng’s antics might also shorten my life a great deal, but that would still be a very interesting and happy life. Yup, out of all TV & movie characters, the one that I’ll be very likely to actually fall in love with and will want to marry if they ever come alive is Cheng Shin-nan.

How do you explain a person like Inspector Cheng? She is a police inspector in mainland China. She dresses like your great great great grandmother. Her personality is much like Rachel Berry but her voice is the total opposite, and heck, her choices of songs are beyond terrible. She can ramble more in one breath than Ellen Morgan (and my mom). She is patriotic to a fault, but amazingly, not small-minded. She’s tough but actually very girly. She’s bossy to bone. She’s conventional but logical. And like Kenshin in Samurai X, in the critical time she’s the one you can count on.

Okay, some facts about her:

1. Her guns are decorated.

Well, at least three of them were decorated, and it’s only shown in the first movie. The first gun was confiscated by the Hong Kong police because she’s not allowed to carry a gun. The second was used to hurt the friend of the escaping criminal. The third one showed up out of nowhere in the final battle. I find it charming, and a nice testimony to her personality.

2. She took threats to her homeland seriously… however trivial it is.

No kidding! The father of the Hong Kong detective who lent a room for her and her nephew was a veteran revolutionary. He sang revolutionary song at night, they countered it with a Chinese anthem, and from there the singing battle went on (this is the first time I heard a ‘singing battle’ in any movie. It was brilliant, really!!!)

And the morning after, the battle continued…

3. She can out-drink an army of veterans

And still went out to enjoy Hong Kong afterwards.

4. She is innocent.

That’s not just to say that she’s a virgin. She wore pajamas under a bikini, for heaven’s sake! Note to any (male?) criminals: if you want to escape her, just pull down your pants.

But it’s her innocence that makes her able to love in a very cute way. And that expression actually makes me wanting so much to be the one causing it in the first place, dammit!

(Gah, this one minute of expressions has as much effect on me as Emma Thompson’s broken heart scene in Love Actually! I loooove it. Especially when she tried to shake the giddiness off but broke out a smile anyway…)

5. She looooooooooves to sing. Especially in front of a crowd. Especially karaoke.

And when she gets the chance, not even her own nephew is allowed to sing a line.

I tried my best to find the video of this part in Mandarin (found one in Cantonese, but I find it less funny…), but I can’t. If you can, please do watch. Bellyache from laughing is guaranteed. This is when they asked to sing another song, but the karaoke operator hated their singing (rightfully so) and played a donation show instead. Since karaoke is about singing the subtitle and since there WAS subtitle on the screen, they SANG it!!!

Did I mention that her singing literally broke glasses?

6. She loves to dress up. But her taste is just… gaaaaah!

Well, still better than her everyday clothes, though. But why can’t they dress her up like this at least once per movieeeee? Hiks…

7. Her English is… well… unusual.

She taught her troops THIS:

Which naturally resulted in a daily usage of:

Yeah, yeah, it’s only a semi-dirty word. What’s so special? HER PRONOUNCIATION, I tell you what!

8. She LOVES to eat. You know my deal with women and food. My ultimate love is women who STEAL food.

9. She’s got a magical purse that can produced unlimited number of weapon (be it fake or genuine ones), and a car that can fit unlimited number of people.

Not to mention that her use of weapon also quite creative:

Bowling balls

Deathly glare

Golf balls

Keys

Badges
(From left to right: Chinese Public Security, Taiwan Interpol of State Security, and Royal Hong Kong Police. Poor guy… he’s not even a criminal but he offended the police from three countries at the same time!)

Oh well, it’s really quite impossible to describe her properly. You’ve gotta get to know her yourself to understand her charm. But one thing I can say for sure. I’m charmed! There was even one scene that I’m pretty sure made me look like this:

And that scene actually replayed itself in my dream. Lol. No, it’s not THAT naughty, but I certainly won’t tell in details. :p

So that’s my movie wife for now. I left the TV wife spot cause I haven’t found her. The closest one was Monica Geller, and that makes a lot of sense cause I’m practically a female Chandler Bing, but since she’s married I won’t claim her. Oh, and actually the movie is quite good. Yes it’s kinda old but it’s golden, really. There are lots of surprises and creative ideas used. The English title is Her Fatal Ways and it has 4 sequels. Just please don’t fall for my movie wife, OK??? :D

Holy... Madness!!!

2011-09-27T15:09:00.000+07:00

I swear I've never watched anything as obnoxious, absurd, vulgar, ridiculous and idiotic as this one! I don't even know how to explain the plot in words... it's so twisted and... oh well, you've got to watch it to understand it. But you know what? I love it despite all its ridiculousness. And I believe I'm not the only one, cause in fact, most of the casts in this movie are well-known, high-paid, beautiful actors and actresses whose talents are proven again and again. And most of them are my favorites! That's actually why I watched it in the first place. Heh heh.

So, the movie is Holy Weapon (1993). I found it when I was digging through the golden years of Hongkong movies, and when I read the casts I knew I should watch it at least once. Michelle Yeoh. Sandra Ng. Carol 'Dodo' Cheng. Maggie Cheung. Sharla Cheung. Dicky Cheung. Simon Yam. Ng Man-Tat. Damian Lau. Charine Chan and Esther Kwan (dunno who they are, though). Oh well, with those many beautiful women (okay, okay... and men), even if you don't get the humor, you'll still get the eye candy.

I've just remembered Dodo Cheng and Sharla Cheung today, in fact. I've always been a fan of Dodo Cheng, but never knew her name before. I've always thought she reminds me of Julie Andrews (correct that: actually Julie Andrews reminds me of her, cause I found her first!), but her specialty is comedy. She's really cool, though, and I almost screamed all-too-girly when I found out that she once teamed up with Cecilia Yip in a movie called 'Wonder Women'. GOTTA FIND THAT, and SOON! Ps. It's surprisingly hard finding a good picture of her on the net... >:(

Sharla Cheung is another actress I've always been fond of, but never knew the name before. She's great in playing a cruel seducer. Now I can't say she's the type of girl I want to marry, but damn, can anyone really resist her seduction, no matter if you're a guy or a girl? (And guess who she seduced in this movie! I almost got a heart attack! And it's too bad she didn't do drag like this... sigh...)

This movie started out quite seriously, with a man named Super Sword (hm... I guess it didn't even start seriously) betrayed China and sided with Japan to become the king of martial world. He killed so many heroes who opposed him, but he was not satisfied until he defeated Heaven's Sword (again, it's a man's nickname). Heaven's Sword was about to marry (with Michelle Yeoh, dammit!) but he postponed it in order to duel with Super Sword. He then asked his good friend, The Ghost Doctor, to give him 'The Greatest Drug'. The Greatest Drug could double his power and enabled him to defeat Super Sword, but he could die from the side-effect, or at least went crazy. He chose to take it anyway.

Long story short, he defeated Super Sword, but Super Sword escaped him with the promise to return after three years for revenge. Meanwhile the drug took effect and he went crazy, and even drove his fiance away. The story then fast forward to three years later, when Heaven's Sword revealed to Ghost Doctor, who had been taking care of him, about an ultimate martial art book that needed 7 virgins for the formations. Yeah, the story mostly told the story of how those 'seven virgins' met and the hullabaloo surrounding it. It centered around a young man who ran away from his forced marriage, his bride-to-be, a princess he met along the way, the princess' bodyguard who happened to be an omnisexual woman, Heaven's Sword's fiancee who cross-dressed as a man, a disciple of Super Sword who finally left her master (Spider Ninja), Butterfly (her martial sister), and Ghost Doctor's daughter, Blonde (it's her name! And no, she's not blonde).

Please rest your logic and your sanity at the door before you even attempt to watch this movie. Some spoilers for you would include "slow-motion mud", "affectionate kiss" (quite predictably, this will bring some mistaken identity chaos), a green vampire, kicked-out-and-then-swallowed eyeball, love flower (of yoko fame, but this one can glow in the dark and can run away)... oh God, what the hell did I just watch??? Oh, and don't forget the "Feminine Essence Wine", which, drunk by a man, will make his 'little brother' disappeared (and they actually SHOWED this scene in the movie!) everytime he's wet. Yeah, and potion-wise, it can put Harry Potter to shame. Oh, and don't expect a love triangle in this movie. Expect at least a love PENTAGLES!

To be fair, let's talk a bit about the male casts. I've always liked Simon Yam, but it's too bad that I'm a bit allergic to Dicky Cheung since I watched his Sungokong. He's bearable, but it's to him I cringed the most while watching this movie. Damian Lau is okay, still I cannot see which part of him is attractive. He's playing an honorable man, though, so at least I owe him some respect. Ng Man-Tat is one of my favorites at comedy, and he's seemingly EVERYWHERE. He plays comedy well and he plays drama convincingly. That's my guy! :D

I want to save my favorite lady for last, but THIS is the best I can find of her of this movie. Dammit.

Ah, well, screw logic!!!!

Don't watch this movie for the martial arts, although the moves are great like always (after all they are ALL martial movie veterans, including the producers and the choreographers). Don't watch this movie for the acting although it's star-studded. Don't watch this movie if you expect anything Oscar related. Only watch this movie if you want to go crazy for a while and have fun, watching those lovely ladies and laughing at the crazy jokes. It's the kind of movie you'll either love or hate, and you'll never know until you give it a try.

PS. Reading any review about this movie is almost as entertaining. LMAO!!!

SPOILERS!!!
Maybe one of the reasons that I love this movie is because I'm a fan girl. Some of the girls fell in love with other girls, voluntarily or otherwise, and although it wasn't exactly 'reciprocated', in the end two of the girls went off together (my favorite comedic duoooo!!!) and the other two would share a husband (I would give everything to be THAT bastard, cause those two happened to be MY FAVORITE!!!). Of course they beat Super Sword in the end, but guess what, it wasn't those seven virgins who beat them, but SIX virgins and an MTF transgendered virgin. Yeah. Sanity at the door, remember?

Rizzles Guide For Beginners

2011-09-22T03:11:00.001+07:00

Gosh, don’t you hate it when a show you love goes through a pause for a long time? And Rizzles has made me wait for a year before! After only 10 episodes! Now after they aired another 10 episodes, they went on a break until November, when they’ll air 5 more episodes, and then another looooooong break! I’m so glad that Xena was aired here years ago, we don’t have that kind of a system. Otherwise I can’t imagine the withdrawal I would have gone through!

So, this is the first week in 11 weeks that I don’t have Rizzles playing on my computer on Wednesday night, and if I can’t have new episodes, best I can do is to do some reminiscence, while helping you newbie to the world of Rizzles goodness.

1. Rizzles

The relationship pairing of Detective Jane Rizzoli and Dr Maura Isles in a romantic way. Of the show Rizzoli & Isles on TNT. Based on the uber-gay subtext of the show. (Urbandictionary.com)

I haven’t seen this much chemistry between two main characters of a TV show who are not even a couple since Xena. I bet everything if one of them is actually a man, they’d have been a couple years ago. But I like it this way, too. It makes the writers being able to be creative and flirting with fans. It makes fans being creative: writing fanfics, creating music videos, creating gifs of certain scenes, even writing an anthem! You can even read Dorothy Surrenders’ brilliant gay recaps on Afterellen.com (it’s even more hilarious than the actual scenes, I tell you)! She also invented #gayzzoli which rules Twitter world every Monday, and the terms like eye sex and TGTGT that I’ll tell you about later.

2. Eye Sex, TGTGT, and LLBFFs

Cause they’re not officially a couple on screen, of course there are no love scenes for Jane and Maura. BUT, in my opinion they do something that conveys love much more effective than just sex scene! Meet: EYE SEX.

This is NOT an example of eye sex… it’s just that Jane can’t control herself at times.

And this happens not just once per episode, I tell you. It happens practically every time they are in the same place. And the TGTGT!!! It’s short for Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching. Like this:

And HUNDREDS of other moments you’ll find on the show. I know, I know, straight girls do that too… but watch the show before you argue for that! Plus, like they stated it themselves, they’re not BFFs. They’re LLBFFs. Jane said it was short for Long Life Best Friends Forever. Thanks to Dorothy, we know it’s Lesbian Lovers But Faking as Friends.

With this much material, comes the Drinking Game!

The Rules
(copied from http://rizzlesgirls.blogspot.com/2011/08/drinking-game.html)
The rules are fairly simple: one drink/shot of your choice every time one of the following criteria is met. In order to avoid inducing mass liver failure, you can limit the game to a 5 shot maximum. Knock one back every time:
1. Either Rizzoli or Isles tries to forcibly/awkwardly set the other up with a man, usually after spending the evening talk about each other – this also includes nudging each other to date someone of the male persuasion right at the end of a long, intimate scene between them.
2. Engaging in any stereotypical lesbian behavior – including softball, home repair, etc.
3. Friends/parents/relatives of Rizzoli and Isles trying to set them up with people other than each other.
4. Intimate dinners – including restaurant variety, home variety, and in any case where one cooks for the other and there are candles and wine present.
5. Sleeping in the same bed/couch/squad car – bonus, 2 shots.
6. Stares lasting longer than 3 seconds.
7. Adorable bickering which generally relates to sexual tension (use your best lesbian discretion).
8. One of them saying, “I’ll come along,” in a situation where she need not be present, and providing a dumb, unrelated reason for it. Example, “I’m going to interrogate a suspect.” “I’ll come…I’ve always liked the peanut M&Ms in the break room.”
9. Going out for drinks together and rebuffing/eliminating any and all male interaction.
10. Any character telling Rizzoli & Isles they “make a great team” with a straight face.
11. Complaining to each other about their inability to find a compatible mate, all while being completely compatible mates.
12. Rescuing/saving/protecting one another above and beyond the call of duty, especially when it involves excessive hugging and touching.
13. Touching hands for any extended length.

Think it’s hard to get drunk with these rules from a totally straight TV show? Think again. It’s been known that with Rizzles you’ll be drunk before the theme song even begins.

3. Fan Works

Naturally, a show with this much tension creates frustration for fans, and we need some release. That comes with the fan works: fan fictions, fan arts, photo manipulations, music videos, etc. And unlike Xena, this time the fans have LOTS of golden materials. THIS is created with ONLY the first episode cuts, for crying out loud!

And I love the gifs. Manipulation is not much needed with Rizzles, indeed.

Oh, and the fan fictions! Those are my bed time stories nowadays, literally. Most of them are fun and well-written, though with all due respect, I find Xenaverse writers to be far more creative in their writing (this is the proof. X&G fics have covered almost every job ever created, and then some!). My favorite Rizzles fic has to be Lady Neeko (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2868447/Lady_Neeko), who wrote about the FOUR children of Rizzoli-Isles households.

4. Twitter

One of the best thing about this show is not only the actresses have their own twitters, THE CHARACTERS of the show also have their twitter! And they tweets to each other! That’s really amusing in my opinion, and of course, the fans picked up EVERYTHING gayzzoli.

Let’s see… here are the list of the characters’ twitters:

@JaneRizzoli
@MauraIsles
@VinceKorsak            ---> Jane’s ex-partner
@DetBarryFrost         ---> Jane’s current partner
@FrankieRizzoli          ---> Jane’s little brother (Tommy Rizzoli hasn’t had Twitter?)
@AngelaRizzoli           ---> Jane’s mother aka Mama Rizzoli
@rizzoliplumbing         ---> Jane’s father
@Joe_Friday_Dog      ---> Jane’s dog
@Tortoise_Isles          ---> Maura’s tortoise, Bass

Oh, and Mama Rizzoli also support Rizzles, it seems:

LOL. Yeah, I loooooooove this show. It’s a lot of fun, and when it’s low on fun, it means that it has a very good crime case (this is a detective TV show, although I forget about that most of the time – and I’m not the only one).

One last note about Rizzles: it’s highly ADDICTIVE. So I suggest you to think twice before throwing yourself out there, cause you’ll soon be joining us in RAA (Rizzles Addicts Anonymous – just google the site).

There you go! Now you’re good to go to the land of Rizzles. See ya around on November!

NB: Feel free to claim the pics I used. I really can’t remember where I got them. If you own them and don’t want them posted here, I’ll remove them. They’re just so brilliant I just have to share them! Thank you.

Disney List

2011-05-10T03:00:00.000+07:00

Music, for me is like a friend. The best ones are the ones who stay with us not only in good times but also through the bad times, cheering us up and helping us to get back on our feet despite everything. Strangely enough, lots of the ones that really speak to me are Disney movies' soundtracks (sorry, Pixar, I love ya but in the music department, Disney's still better). Maybe because they're aimed at kids, the lyrics and melody are simple, honest, and truthful - which is exactly what I look for in a song, and in a friend. Or maybe it's simply because Alan Menken is a wonderful songwriter. Hehe. It's not just him, though. There are lots of other composers for the songs in my collection, although I have no idea who wrote what. I'm just too lazy to look up for the composer one by one.

So, where should I start?

1. A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes
Movie: Cinderella
Favorite version: Kimberley Locke

I start with this one cause this is the song that rings the truest for me right now. Along with Disney's immortal 'When You Wish Upon A Star' (favorite version: Julie Andrews, live), this song ranks the highest on my playlist when I feel down and lost. This song does magic to me. It's soothing and empowering at the same time. When I play it on a loop, it lets me cry my burden out and then later gives me hope for a better tomorrow. In The Sound of Music's 'I Have Confidence in Me' you heard the lyrics, "Strength doesn't lie in number, strength doesn't lie in wealth. Strength lies in a nice and peaceful slumber." I believe that with all my heart, and with a similar sense, the lyrics in this song deliver me to that 'nice and peaceful slumber' so that I have the strength to face tomorrow and make my dream come true. It's really a beautiful, beautiful song, and when you put Kimberley Locke's voice to deliver it, I really couldn't ask for anything more.

2. God Help The Outcast
Movie: Hunchback of Notre Dame
Favorite version: Original

I fell in love with this song since the first time I heard it, although I originally watched the movie because I loved the song 'Someday'. Every word speaks to me without fail. Do you know the saying that a way to feel better is reaching out to the less fortunate? How true. One of the most effective way for me to feel better when I was down is to send a prayer, not for myself but for those in a worse situation than me. It really makes me re-think the situation and be thankful that I don't have it worse. I found this song when I was in a struggle of accepting that I'm gay, maybe that's why the lyrics struck me from the very first chord: "I don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there. I don't know if you would listen to a gypsy's prayer. Yes, I know I'm just an outcast, I shouldn't speak to you. Still I see your face and wonder, were you once an outcast too." Ooooh, can you have it better than that? Jesus and Mary were indeed once outcasts too! Mary was pregnant before she was married, and though she said it was by God's grace, how many people at that time would believe her? And how many time Jesus actually broke the Taurat (what's that in English?) law? He was even sentenced to death because people didn't believe in Him and thought of Him as a sinner. Esmeralda was never one of my Disney crushes, but damn do I admire her!

3. God Bless Us Everyone
Movie: A Christmas Carol
Favorite version: Original

As I've read, watched, watched, read, read, watched, many many versions of this story, when I found this musical version my expectation was high - especially for the music, cause Alan Menken was listed in the credit. I won't give a high rating for the overall movie, but I found two lovely songs in it. This one, and 'There's A Place Called Home'. I've actually listened to both of the songs before when I was in junior high. They were in Disney's Love Songs album. But it's not until I watched the movie that I fell in love with both of them. 'There's A Place Called Home' very much describe the home I've always dreamed of. 'God Bless Us Everyone', though, gives me a one-liner that's so simple and yet so true... "Let us love till we die, and God bless us everyone." Cause even if I'm nobody, even if I have no strength left and nothing in my possession, what I can still give is love. Just a smile, just an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or even a word that says you care. As long as that means something to someone, then my existence is not totally useless. I love this song in a whole, though, and if you watch this movie in a whole and not drop a tear when this song is sung last, then you're either lying or made from stone. Heh heh.

4. Welcome To This Day, Feels Like Home, It Will Be Me
Movie: Brother Bear 2
Favorite version: Original

Okay, okay, I know this is cliche... Melissa sang all of them and wrote two of them. But bear with me cause seriously, these songs are a bit different than her usual songs. If you can, please listen to all three of them, and I bet you'll like at least one of them. Even my sister who hates Melissa passionately can't resist the charm of these. 'Welcome To This Day' is the perfect waking up song. I'm not a morning person, that's definite. But every now and then I have to wake up early, and nothing puts me in a better mood than to sing along and dance to this song. 'Feels Like Home', for me it's an adventure song. I don't relate to this song often, only if I'm about to start a new 'adventure', and even then I have other songs I could relate more. I swear I don't put this song on a lower rank because it's the one Melissa didn't write! This is a great song, and many love this one most out of those three, but this is just the one I could relate the least. 'It Will Be Me' is perhaps the most popular out of those three, and I used to like this one most out of the three. It's a love song, pure and simple, but it's a parting song so yeah, it's sad. I've met people who don't like this song cause it's a ballad, but I've never met people who don't think this is a beautiful song. I personally think this is one of Melissa's best but unknown cause except you're a hardcore fan like me, not many know she wrote for BB2 (and BB2 isn't that much known either).

5. Colors of The Wind
Movie: Pochahontas
Favorite version: Venessa Williams

I actually knew this song before I ever watched Pochahontas. Understandable, since I never watched Pochahontas until I was in college. Hehe. This song becomes a turn-point for me, though, in my relationship with the nature. As a child I wasn't much aware of the nature. Of course I played in dirt, ran in the rain, caught butterflies and bugs, and who knows what else, but as a child - it's all just so natural, you know. I think as human gets older we slowly learns to become a person and to conform to society's rules and expectations, that slowly we separated ourself from the rest of the nature. This song is the first to remind me about the nature... to really see the beauty in it, to pay more attention to it. To feel the wind against my skin, the texture of the earth, the coolness of the water - to be a part of the earth again.

6. Small One
Movie: Small One
Favorite version: Original

My family is a multi-religion family, as some of you know, and so I've never known much about Christmas stories and Christmas tradition. Most children in US nowadays think Christmas = Santa Day, and only a few of them know that Christmas is the birth of Jesus. I was the total opposite. I knew nothing about Santa and his bowlful of jelly until I was a teenager. And so, the story about 'Small One' also escapes my radar until I was in college. I don't think this story is well-known in Indonesia generally, so I'll put in a quick review for you. Small One is an old donkey who's not much use anymore to his owner. The owner asks his son to take him to town and sell him. But he's so small and so old, no one wants to buy him. The boy is friend with Small One so he desperately looks for someone with a kind face and with good intention. Both of them are almost out of ideas, until finally a kind-looking man finds them and buy the donkey as a ride to his wife who is pregnant and have to go out of town. The rest is history as that very night a baby was born in Bethlehem. When you know the story, the lyric of the song has a new height, as it says, "Small One, Small One, don't look so blue. Somewhere a friend is waiting for you. Someone still needs you to brighten his day, there's a place for each small one, God planned it that way." Yup, who knows someone so 'useless' will get the honor to carry someone so precious? This could be the theme song for 'It Gets Better' project. To ANY teenager who thinks of ending their lives for whatever reason... you're put on this earth for a purpose. If that's not true, why are you here at all? You continue to live, and one day you'll become something. You choose to die, and you'll really become nothing.

Honorary Mentions (not because I don't like them, but cause I love them despite not having much to relate to the songs...):

1.Make Me Look Good (At least I think that's the title...)
Movie: Christmas Maximus - Twice Upon A Christmas

Okay, how many of you know that Goofy has a son? Hahah... I must have watched too much Disney cartoons then. This is a sweet short movie, and almost all of the story was told in that song. This one makes me think of my dad. Goofy is... well, a goof, and Max is so embarrassed about his dad, especially when he brings his girlfriend home. My dad and I are totally the opposite. He sometimes lacks confidence although I'm never ashamed of him or his education level. I find this movie ironically funny because if my dad's actually over- confident like Goofy, perhaps I'll also be embarrassed like Max. Hah hah hah

2. As Long As There's Christmas
Movie: Beauty and The Beast - Enchanted Christmas

This is one of my favorite Christmas song ever - have loved it from when I first found it. Christmas might not be my favorite holiday in a year, but well, I love it and what it is all about, so yeah, I do hope that there'll always be Christmas.

3. Part of Your World & Under The Sea
Movie: Little Mermaid

Little Mermaid is probably my favorite Disney movie - musically. There are so many Disney classics in this movie, and if you haven't watched it since you were children and don't even remember liking it, I highly recommend watching it again. I've re-watched so many Disney Classics in and after college, and no, they're not out-of-date, they're not old, and they even holds their own against the new ones - even the ones from Pixar. Of course I might be biased cause there's some sentimental value in the classics, but damn, they're really really good. My favorite is still Beauty and The Beast, but Little Mermaid comes close although I've never counted on it before. Oh, and I'm a racist bastard so Mulan also gets to be my favorite number 2. Hohoho. No, wait, Pochahontas also needs to be on number 2, I've got a huge crush on her. Oh well....

4. Reflection
Movie: Mulan

This song is the first English song I've ever liked. One thing I failed to mention earlier is that until junior high school, I never liked any English song. I heard them on media and muzak and such, but I never really listened to them. I remember that the first to attract me is Michael Jackson's song, but until now I don't remember which one. But reflection is the first one I really listened to, find the lyrics and translate them so I understand it. Funny thing that I later found many people associate this song with the acceptance process of being gay... I actually never interpreted this song that way. Heh.

I think I'll leave out the songs from 'The Sound of Music', 'Mary Poppins', and 'Annie' cause while I love absolutely every song in each of them, none of them really meant something for me personally besides personal enjoyment. Perhaps 'I Have Confidence' in 'The Sound of Music', cause that was the song that made me able to cope with living by myself for the first time in a place where I knew no one. Well, to try and list EVERY Disney song I love would require me not to sleep tonight, and I really want to sleep. So goodnight. I'll listen to 'Feed The Birds' before I go to sleep today. That one always makes me sleep in heavenly peace.

The Homomonument

2011-01-17T00:58:00.001+07:00

Just saw the news that a new LGBT History Museum ever is now opened in San Fransisco. What a wonderful news! All the more reason for me to keep saving to go to the US. Here's a link to the site: http://www.glbthistory.org/museum/index.html

The news brought back a memory to me. As a member of LGBT society, there's some kind of unidentified pride in my soul every time I looked back to our history. LGBT society has perhaps a sadder history than even Jewish people, even in the time of Holocaust. It's true that there were more Jews died in Holocaust than any other minority group (about 81% of all victims of Holocaust are Jews), but the percentage of gay people who died after getting caught is more than in Jews group (I forget the exact numbers, sorry). That was caused by the terrible treatment not only by the Nazis but also by cell mates and other groups as well. One story I heard and couldn't forget was about a couple of gay men. One was forced to watch his lover being chased by Nazi's dogs and bitten to death before he himself was killed. To this day I couldn't get that image out of my mind. To make it worse, after the US freed Jewish people from various concentration camps, the homosexual groups remained criminals because they were not listed officially as 'victims' of the Holocaust, and they remained so till years later.

There were many monuments around the world to commemorate gay people's struggle throughout the history (one more is about to be built in Barcelona... ugh, how I wish it was already there two years ago!), and I've been lucky enough to visit one of the biggest and the oldest, Homomonument in Amsterdam.

In that plaque, these words are written (in Dutch, English, and French): "Commemorates all women and men ever oppressed and persecuted because of their homosexuality. Supports the international lesbian and gay movement in their struggle against contempt, discrimination and oppression. Demonstrates that we are not alone. Calls for permanent vigilance. Past, present, and future are represented by the three triangles on this square."

This plaque stood just beside the triangle of the past, which was built just below the street level and leading down to the water in the canal. This triangle represents the past when gay people were often oppressed and killed just because of their sexual orientation. Most time of the year there are lots of flower bouquets placed here and lots of people coming here to pray, to celebrate, or just to contemplate, but I was there on a very cold day... hence the quietness. It made the place all the more solemn, though, and I almost cried when I finally stood there and looked up to the other two triangles.

The second triangle was built on level with the street, and it pointed to Anne Frank's house. It represents the hope for freedom, equality and human right - what we strive for nowadays and what Anne once wished for in her diary. On the triangle there were words inscribed in Dutch, "Naar vriendschap zulk een mateloos verlangen." Translated freely as, "Such an endless longing for friendship".

The last triangle, built just above the street level, is the one to represent the inspiration and hope for the future. All three triangles are placed such that they actually made a big triangle of their own. It remains one of the fondest memory of mine, seeing such a thoughtful and beautiful monument spread wide in the middle of Amsterdam - in front of a church, no less! It's a shame that this monument was built in 1987, and yet the fight for equality is still going on... and in my own country I think we're still in the 'past' stage.

Well... you may think that, "Ah, who cares about gay people?" and you may even believe that we deserve it, but please remember, it's not only gay people who are faced with discrimination and being oppressed. Jews faced it, black people faced it, women faced it, people of many religions around the world faced it. I never could understand why people can't just live and let live - being afraid of something or someone different is one thing, but why not learn about them before deciding that they're evil and need to be eliminated? History has it all written down and yet we still make the same mistake. We just never learn, do we?

Deep down inside, I think we're all the same

Try not to judge someone and never shame

I do believe that people are good

Just want hope and respect, and to be understood

Subtext Special

2011-01-14T01:33:00.000+07:00

Although it's really late, I want to wish everybody a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. May the jolly holiday spirit last us all year long until we get another Christmas and meet another new year.

So, I've just read a marvelous post today by another blogger, and I was inspired to write this post. It reminds me how I first fell in love with the internet, with fan fictions and fandom in general. In turn, I owe it my improvement in English and my love for analyzing. But let's start at the very beginning.

Subtext: "is content of a book, play, musical work, film, video game or television series which is not announced explicitly by the characters (or author) but is implicit or becomes something understood by the observer of the work as the production unfolds" (Wikipedia). In my own words, subtext is something that you see implicitly behind the presentation of a story. It's a little bit different from the term 'shipping' in fandom, as shippers "variously assert that the relationship does exist, will exist, or simply that they would like it to exist" (Wikipedia), while with subtext, you only read between the lines. If anyone is familiar with Sailor Moon, a subtext would be to see Haruka and Michiru's feelings for each other, while a shipper would probably ship Mamoru with Amy (I personally would like to see Mamoru and Amy as siblings, not lovers... but that's only me. Hahah). Of course as subtexts are usually about character pairings, the results are usually popular shippings - be it a heterosexual or a homosexual way.

It'll be no surprise to anyone who know me that Xena is my ultimate object for subtext analyzing. It's actually a kind if pioneer for subtext and fan fictions, and I'm lucky that I was just at the right age to be in the middle of it all. Xena was on air for the first time 16 years ago (OMG! Has it really been that long ago???), and that was BEFORE Ellen came out. Mind you, even in the States homosexuality was still much of a taboo back then. The relationship between Xena and Gabrielle actually developed unintentionally, but as the story evolved and the fans picked it up, it became undeniable. One of the things that made me thankful for the production team was that even though they gave them the frustrating on-off storyline (for every episode where X&G's relationship strengthen, an episode with a male suitor would follow), they were consistent with the relationship between the characters and even finally let it flow freely during the final season.

I have to admit that I haven't watched that many TV series, but even I can tell that Xena's subtext content is one of the most brilliantly subtle and yet obvious enough for even a casual viewer to pick up. That might be the reason why there was a cyber battle between the subtexters and the non-subtexters. The subtexts in Xena's series is so obvious so that by a few pointers, anyone should be able to see it (the fan videos 'Subtext for Dummies' are still in youtube if you search for them). Therefore, many subtexters assumed that the non-subtexters who wouldn't accept it must be ignorants - they simply chose not to see it because it made them uncomfortable. I can't defend either group because not all non-subtexters are bigots. There were really people who, hard as they tried, couldn't see what the fuss was all about. I myself didn't want to admit that they were lovers, back then, because of my own bigotry, but even then I accepted their relationship as 'romantic friendship'. More than friends but not lovers. That was how 'obvious' the clues were.

That was one of the things that made Xena an epic. It gathered fan bases from a very diverse audiences without fail - thanks to the subtlety of its subtexts. A conventional religious man has the same chance of loving the show with a liberal gay woman. Maybe that's why the show could last for a whole six season without being cancelled with the accusation of being 'too gay' a la Ellen. Even nowadays there are TV series that still use subtexts as a shield to maintain the mainstream rating and popularity. I'm looking at you, Rizzoli and Isles. I have to say, nonetheless, that I actually like subtexts. It leaves a lot to imagination and perception so you wouldn't be confirmed, but wouldn't be denied either, no matter what your perception is. Plus the fact that most shows with subtexts are able to focus better on the storyline without worrying much about building a relationship and breaking it up.

Well, today I found a post that broke down the subtext I didn't see before in Glee. When I first read it, I thought it was just a Faberry shipper making a point to her favorite pairing. But after I finished the whole article, I realized that could very well be a subtext - one without a pairing, but with a storyline on its own. It's a new kind of subtext and it's very inspiring to me. Here's the post: http://skywarrior108.livejournal.com/955.html

It was broken down matter-of-factly and analyzed logically that I couldn't argue on most points. I think the show would be much more interesting if Quinn was really a lesbian (or even a bisexual) in denial. First of all, it'd give a touch of humor to her all-serious character, that she actually bullies Rachel for no other reason than because she likes her. #2, an unrequited love story is always interesting, especially like in Quinn's case that she can't even tell anybody about her crush (because she has to keep her popularity, that is). #3, it would make much more sense to have that bullying/obsessing plot offered to Quinn, since it would be consistent with the first season, than having Kavrosky (did I write his name right?) kissing Kurt. #4, that'd explain the friends/foes relationship between Quinn and Rachel. #5, it's more unique and deeper than the boring girl cheated on boyfriend and got pregnant, then girl got dumped and found new boyfriend-storyline now, especially since we've seen as far as Quinn's family condition. It'll give the character a new depth while being consistent and connected with the previous stories.

I wrote in my Glee confession before that I don't like Faberry pairing because I have a serious crush on Rachel. But should the plot change this way, I might have a crush on Quinn instead - cause I can relate to her much better that way. So whaddaya think, Gleeks?? Ryan Murphy???

The Long and Foggy Road

2010-12-08T02:04:00.000+07:00

It's been a while since I wrote about anything at all - even in my own personal diary. Truth be told, I've had a big blow on my ego a while back, and I desperately wanted to write about that, but no words come out. It's not much a suprise that I couldn't write about that, because until now I haven't even got the answer. So instead of writing about the topic, I'll just write about the situation in general.

What will I be in five more years? Asked me that question seven years ago and I would answer you quickly, "I'd be graduating and looking for a job." But ever since then I had no idea of what I want to be or what is my purpose in life. Mind you, I have been thinking about this seriously since the beginning of high school, and yet I still can't find an answer to it. I'm the kind of person that given a clear vision of a path to a goal, would go towards it and kick out all the obstacles along the way. But right now there is a heavy fog ahead of me and I cannot see far ahead (the scene reminds me of a true life experience... a quite scary one too as I was alone, but okay, on with the story). There are some intersections on the path I took, and because I cannot see far I have no idea which path is the right one. I had taken a chance and tried a path, but it went downhill and seemingly headed nowhere so I turned back and chose another path. I'm walking on that path right now, it's smooth and safe and I learned a lot along the way but I met no one on the road, it's very lonely and empty. I dont' mean this romantically - although I want that too - but I need new friends, new people who could teach me new things to improve my skills and my own self, you know? Old friends are still my friends, of course, but they move on too and it's not often that our paths could go side by side. To think about it, this is the first time in my life that I have absolutely no idea how to meet new people. Even when I was alone in a new city of strangers I could get friends quickly. I have to admit I'm not a people's person, though. Just a small dose of interractions with different people would be perfect. This is actually what I miss most from my previous jobs. Haha.

There is also one huge flaw in the current path I take that could be a deal-breaker: I feel like I contribute nothing to the society. Of course not many jobs have a big score on that, but then again most people can make up for that in their personal life. I want just the opposite - and I've wanted that for a long time. In Elementary School, I remembered I wrote 'social worker' as my dream job (I had no idea what that means back then, but what I felt is the same: wanting to be useful to the society). Of course back then my intention is 100% true. Back then I had no idea that the 'society' I wanted to contribute to would be my biggest enemy and would reject me of all the minorities that I am, my gender, my race, my religion, and even my sexual orientation. Right now part of the reason why 'being useful to the society' is important, is because I want to prove to the society how wrong they are with their prejudices and to give an example to other minorities that being different doesn't matter. To some extent, in my previous workplaces I've accomplished that, and actually in my current job I also got lots of surprised comments too - on a completely different level, though.

People's opinion on my current job sometimes brought me down, too, because in their eyes what I do is nothing. True, it's not a 9 to 5 job, I don't get monthly salary, etc. But don't get me wrong, I'm quite proud of what I do right now. I did everything and every step of the process with almost no help - only an offer of the job and that's it. I had to study about the subject from zero by myself because I knew absolutely nothing about it before and my boss is... well, not a good teacher. The job itself is not really hard, of course, but most people around me underestimate the effort I put into it. Normally I couldn't care less about what people say... it's only different when it's said by the girl I was attracted to. What she said haunts me night and day. If a woman as awesome as she is could think so low about me, what is my chance to win other women's heart? Assuming I meet someone in a near future, that is.

So, there's my reflection of my situation now. I think right now what I need is a torch. It's funny because most people don't think I need a torch... they think I'm lost and that I need a guidance or a pointed arrow to get me back on the track. But nooooo... I'm already on a path and I still know how to go back to the intersections. There are still at least four more paths I hadn't tried back there, but before I go back I need to see first if the road ahead will be wider and better, cause otherwise this journey until now is for nothing, I had to start again like I did before, and trust me, it's not fun. Hm... any comments? Advices? Suggestions? Offerings? :p

Rizzoli & Isles

2010-10-09T21:05:00.000+07:00

Whoa, I like it. I like it a lot!!! Many people said the show was so much like Xena in its heave-subtext-ness, and I like the how the ladies look (sorry I'm that shallow sometimes :p)... so I gave it a try. And I'm hooked!

Hmmm... don't you think it's more fitting for a cover of a romantic movie DVD?

I'm not much for cop shows, but I've watched some series like VIP and Relic Hunter - and while I can't say I'm a fan of the genre, I enjoyed it while it lasted. This one is no different, but Rizzoli and Isles sure has some advantage the others don't: the lead ladies have a strong chemistry with each other and well... I think the writers teased us a lot and make it super gay - while being non-gay. Both the main and supporting characters are likeable, and although they're fictional, almost all of the characters have their own twitter and they interact with fans and each other. A lot.

Jane Rizzoli (hmmm... what a sexy name) caught my eyes since the beginning. Has anybody else thought that Angie Harmon is the imaginary child between Sandra Bullock and Gro Hammerseng?

I have a crush on her instantly. She is the modern-day Xena, if you may. Strong, intelligent, brave, and very, very kind. Actually I think Ryan O'Flaherty (and Jamie Evans) would be a better comparison, but less people know them, rite? Anyway, she's a homicide detective of Boston police team, and she befriends Dr. Maura Isles, the medical examiner of the same division. I would love to know how they first met, because in the pilot episode they were already friends (Yea, rite. Even their FIRST scene together made me think they were gonna kiss), although later it seemed that Jane had never been to Maura's apartment before cause she didn't know about Maura's turtle... uh... tortoise. Oh, but then, they slept in the same bed (yes, in the FIRST episode). In the blatant 'opposite attracts' and 'butch-femme' theme, Jane and Maura hardly shared anything in common except for their attraction to men (for now...). Where Jane hardly cares of how she looks, Maura always looks like she's ready for a fashion show. Jane is careless at times, and Maura always thinks everything through before she does anything. It's no wonder they get into arguments a lot. But their arguments are cute because it's mostly because they care about each other, or it will end because they care about each other... much like lovers' quarrel than anything else.

I like Dr. Isles (aka Queen of The Dead) better after getting to know the character, though. She's incredibly stubborn, politely bossy, and impossibly fashionable. I like Jane a lot, but without Maura she will be... eh... boring... too perfect. Maura is much smarter than Jane, theoretically. She's like a walking Google... or Wikipedia, actually, but she would be offended if I said that, cause she said there are many things written in Wikipedia that are not facts. Anyway, you can just say one word - any word, and she could give you a lecture for as long as Jane didn't stop her (which she did instantly, most of the time). She has the cutest trait I've ever found in a woman: she can't lie. Not only that she doesn't want to. She can't. That is a huge cute point in my taste. Heh heh.

Although the show is named after the two lead ladies, the supporting characters also have their fair share of glory. The Rizzoli family warmed up the scene every now and then with their typical loving family (except for this Tommy guy who haven't showed up yet): a quiet father, an annoying (but loving) mother, and Frank, Jane's little brother who admired her and therefore also became a cop. I especially like the closeness between Jane and Frank, as I always wanted a little brother of my own. Maura also blends in nicely with the family, which I think is really cool. Then there are the homicide team, their family at work. There is Korsak, Jane's ex-partner who saved her life once and still cares for her like a brother. I recognized him as the guy with a gay dog from Legally Blonde 2. Pretty sure it's him, haven't checked the IMDB though. Then there is Frost, Jane's partner now, who has an extraordinary strength but always throws up at sight of blood. Frank also shows up every now and then, he's a cop too after all.

It should be a crime that the first season only has 10 episodes in it. The second season is not much better: 13 episodes. Aaaand the second season is still about 8 months ahead. Can't wait to get more of both ladies, and I'm especially curious of what happens after the final scene. I'm also looking forward to what'll happen to their relationship after two, three years together. I hope their love can have as much depth as Xena & Gabrielle's later, but even if that doesn't happen, as long as they don't settle with a man I'll be happy with my imagination... and the fan fictions. Hmm-mm.

Ps. Not only there are thousands of fan fictions, the fan arts are outstanding too. These ones are from http://beejustme.tumblr.com/tagged/Rizzoli_and_Isles

Credit: beejustme.tumblr.com - I love you for making this!!!

...and especially this!!! :D

Glee: A Confession

2010-10-06T17:51:00.000+07:00

Okay, I'm gonna make some confessions, and I'll put it in your hand to bash me or to applause me, either way I don't give a damn but please be polite. Heh heh. Here goes.

1. I just bought the two newest episode of Glee on DVD. A rip-off, actually, considering they will make it more episodes on one DVD later, but whatever. I'm not a patient person :p

2. I'm not a Gleek. Seriously, I'm not. At least not now. I might answer "Yes, I Am" if you asked me last March, but not now. I like the show just fine, still following it, but I'm not much a fan of it. I'm one of the very few people (if there's even any) who believe that Glee would be better off being a movie than a series. It's good that it's a series, as I get to watch more of those actresses, but it's really not good for the plot. While it's fun, it lacks the depth and it slowly becomes my guilty pleasure.

3. I like Lea Michelle, but the one that I love is Rachel Berry. She might be annoying as hell, but it makes her very cute in my eyes. Real reason, maybe, is because she's a lot like my first love - in looks, in attitude, and in that killer singing voice. Imagine Rachel singing FOR you and TO you. Yep, been there, wanna be there again. Heh heh.

4. I despise Finn. See #3 for explanation.

5. I'm not a fan of Faberry. See #3 for explanation. (Lea and Dianna are other matters, though.)

6. I like Britanna a lot although I'm not a fan either. But they are both really hot, and them being together is even hotter (and cuter). How can a human being resist that kind of hotness is beyond me.

7. I like Mr. Shue's rap. I don't know why, but I like it. I don't normally like rap music, but he pulled it off really fine.

8. I watched Glee for Jane Lynch. And not regretting it. And so happy for her to get the recognition she so deserved.

9. I'm a long-time musical fan... and that is why, just like lesbians can't not watch The L Word (oh wait, I can... though not by choice), I too have to keep on watching Glee... one way or another.

Pheew, glad to have them off my chest... heh heh. Now I'm gonna go watch Rizzoli & Isles. If there's any show trying to de-throne Xena & Gabrielle as queens of subtexts, I should judge it for myself. Heh heh.

Love, Love Like This

2010-09-26T00:41:00.003+07:00

It's funny that I run back to Xena again for wisdom after all these years. She really is my source. I can honestly say that most good in me started with Xena. I'm really watching the show with new eyes now. When I was little I didn't know much about Western traditional stories on Christmas like 'Little One', 'Night Before Christmas', 'Christmas Carol', etc. When I watched 'A Solstice Night' again, I was amazed by the writers' brilliance in taking in all of those stories, twisting and turning them until they were combined perfectly with some added unexpected turns. When I watched Xena back then, I haven't read The Book of Tao. I didn't realize how powerful Lao Ma's teaching was. When I watched Xena back then, I didn't even suspect that Xena and Gabrielle were lovers. Now I saw the subtexts flying around wildly as if they were maintext. After all, I used to take their love as the best example of a love between friends. I didn't realize that even for a love between lovers, their love is just as extraordinary and special. Last night I re-watched 'Ides of March'. The scene when Xena and Gabrielle were about to be crucified never ceased to amaze me. Gabrielle turned and said, "I love you, Xena." Xena, despite her wrecked spine, being almost naked on a snowy mountain, and knowing that a nail was about to be hammered to her hands, smiled. She smiled a big, beautiful, happy smile, in that condition, just because of those little words. My God, I want a love just like that. I want a love that could make hell a happier place than heaven.

It doesn't even matter if it's a love between friends or between lovers or between families or even a love for God. When you are blessed with someone to love and to be loved like that, it's miraculous enough. In Joan of Arc movie (the one starred Leelee Sobieski), when Joan was burned at stake, she also smiled after hearing something God said to her. Well, I remember one of our terrorists also smiled when he was sentenced to death, but in his case I can't help but wondering if the love of his life is really God. Maybe it's Satan who was wearing a mask of God. Maybe he simply loved anyone named 'God' without thinking about their personalities and traits. Maybe he was simply happy that the trials were over. Of course I have no way of knowing. One thing I know, though. I still envy his ability to smile at a time like that.

I now adore Xena and Gabrielle's love more than ever simply because I know the whole story of them. With real couples in real life we never know what really happened. No one know if a real-life love story is worth admiring or not except the couple themselves. With Xena and Gabrielle, I know they betrayed each other, they hurt each other, and they even killed each other's child. But every time, they forgave each other and helped each other to heal over time. If that's not love, I don't know what love is. I love corny dialogs, I love romantic scenes, I'm all for the hugs and kisses and snuggles. But it's simple gestures like that smile, and what they do for the sake of each other in every scene, that make me adore their love. We have a concept for this kind of love, actually. It's called Anam Cara. Soulmates, if you may. The concept has been redefined times and again, but maybe this is my favorite definition of the concept:

"This, I say, is what is broken by no chances, what no interval of time or space can sever or destroy, and what even death itself cannot part." John Cassian

For most, it's a concept for a man and a woman. For me, I couldn't care less. I've had my times of troubles with God due to my orientation, but I refuse to feel guilty for loving. If it's wrong then I'd rather be not right. But let me share some Bible quotations that helped me through those times, just in case others need them now.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Gal.5:22-23)

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1Pet.:8)

Like Ellen once said, it should be celebrated that we found love at all. How hard it is, I should know, I haven't found mine yet. But I know I will never give up on love, because every time I'm stuck or a relationship doesn't go right, there'll always be Xena to remind me of this love. I know how geeky that sounds, but it's the truth. I just want a love like this.

A king would trade his finest crown for love. Love like this.

And warriors have laid weapons down for love. Love like this.

Hearts will break a thousand times for love. Love like this.

And arms will wait a thousand nights for love. Love like this.

Holly Happy Days

2010-09-22T21:57:00.000+07:00

Wow! This Christmas I will be singing gay carols again! Melissa's album came out two years ago and although I love her so very much, listening to the same Christmas album more than three times a day during quite a few months granted you boredom. Luckily, this year another one of my favorite artists are launching their own Christmas album. Yeah, the Indigo Girls, that's who!

I swear to you I don't enter the gay world just because of its musicians, but I really find my inspiration here. Of course other strong musicians like Pink, Joni Mitchell, and Beth Hart got to me, too, but the ones that own my soul are Melissa and Indigo Girls. It's rather cliche, but it's true. I like kd, too, but not this much. To use my full-frontal nerdity, I'd say that in my music world, Melissa is Beethoven and Indigo Girls are Mozart. No, I'm not crazy. I play classical music too so I'm familiar with all four artists' works, and they affect me in a similar way. I love Beethoven's music. It's free, it's crazy, it's unforgiving and unapologetic. It sounds great no matter how you play it. When I play Beethoven I don't care much about the notes. I dive into the music and just create the sound I like, according to my own emotion at that moment. I can't play 'Fur Elise' or 'Moonlight Sonata' the same way twice, not when I don't feel the same emotion. Melissa's music is like that. Of course it doesn't sound different on the speaker, but I catch different words, I feel different emotions and I can think of different things when I listen to the same song. Much like that, I can play one Melissa song in many different ways according to the moment. Sometimes hard, sometimes lazily, sometimes seductively, sometimes emotionally. They're both so raw and emotional it's hard not to really feel the music.

Mozart, on the other hand, is the music I listen or play when I'm happy or careless or at ease. Sometimes when I think hard, too. The music is smart to say simply. The notes are so brilliantly put together I sometimes can't figure out the sound before really getting the hang out of it. It's unpredictable and fun. It's light and flowing. Calming and pleasing like a cup of tea. It's contentment. Indigo Girls' music, or at least the ones by Emily and the ones that I know of, are a lot like that. The guitar riffs are much more complicated than those of Melissa's but it's acoustic, so it sounds brilliant and rich. The music are mostly light and carefree, even the lyrics reflects that. On a happy, careless day I can just sing them along not caring what they say, but on a calm, serene day I listen to each word and ponders about their meaning. I can't do that with Melissa's music, because when I don't hang unto the lyrics and the music at once, the song lost its meaning to me. I can't half-enjoy Melissa's song. Either I get so into it or I don't at all. The same way with Beethoven. When I can't connect to the music, I'd rather not listening to it.

Surely I can tell which one I love most of them, but every now and then I just like to be easy on my feelings, especially on days like these. On days like these I feel content and at ease, I don't want to burden me down with heavy feelings and emotions. Therefore it's the perfect year for me to listen to the Indigo Girl's new Christmas album, "Holly Happy Days". See what I mean? Compare that name to "A New Thought For Christmas". Both are the 'holiday for everybody, whether it's Christmas, Hanukkah, or the winter solstice' type. Great, Melissa's additional lyrics for O Holy Night is one of my favorite ever. Hm? Chely Wright is writing? Great! I like her and I've heard one or two of her songs and while I cannot really relate to them, I like them alright. The classics, of course, but what I'm most exciting about is their original songs! Yup, I'm gonna have a very gay yuletide this year alright. Hohoho.

Just A Little Quiz

2010-09-17T00:51:00.000+07:00

What a boring day today. There aren't a lot to do just yet and I'm downloading a very big file that gets cut off every now and then, resulting in me having to download the same file three times today. I went blogwalking while waiting, meeting some interesting people, some rude ones, and this site: www.semeuke.com. Gotta admit I like taking quizzes, depending on the topic. Never believe the result 100%, but still, it's a fun way to introspect myself. The result for this one is a little bit surprising for me, but when I read the description it fits just right.

Clueless Uke

Easygoing and energetic, those with the Clueless Uke personality just want to have fun. And although they often tend to have a spaced out or 'clueless' look about them, it's probably because they are lost in their own thoughts, imagining their next big project - for this personality isn't happy unless they are planning or working creatively, whether their passion is music, video games, or making things with their own hands. They also love to be entertained, which may be why they so easily attract the Opportunist Seme - who keeps them interested, with their slightly devious ways, without being demanding, or overwhelming the Clueless Uke's need to still feel free to do as they please. And although this personality can tend to be a bit clueless when it comes to interpersonal relationships, they make fun and caring partners when they find that special seme to amuse and look after them.

The Clueless Uke personality best (but not always) corresponds with these associations:

Japanese Element: Wind

Chinese Zodiac: Horse

Color: Cloud Blue

Fruit: Starfruit

Dessert: Tiramisu

Theme Song: BondS ~kizuna~ by An Cafe

Haha, that's so totally me. My mind works in a bizarre way. I can think of one thing, for example, school. Then I went to think about my years in college. In college I met my second crush. I remembered meeting her in a warnet. In that warnet I chatted a lot with a chatting friend. That chatting friend introduced me to Melissa. Melissa introduced me to guitar. The song I wanted to learn to play on guitar was 'Angels Would Fall'. To play that song properly I need a capo. That went on and on and on to no end, although if the moment is right I might stop the thought there and went out to buy a capo. Which I did. But because of that I often spaced out, especially when I'm relaxing. Even my blog posts reflect how hard it is for me to stay on one subject. By nature I'm clueless of other's hidden intention, but thanks to some years of political training, I'm a little bit smarter now. I don't know if the association is correct or not, but I can say that I love riding a horse while feeling the wind on my face and looking at the cloudy blue sky. Hah hah hah. I don't like starfruit, but Tiramisu is verrrrry fine once in a while. Eh, I have no idea about the song.

This is the relationship table for Clueless Uke :

Sadistic Seme - Very incompatible. The Clueless Uke wouldn't even know what hit them when they encounter the Sadistic Seme, and fortunately for them, the Sadistic Seme would quickly grow bored, preferring a more dramatic, willing victim.

Chibi Seme - While this uke and seme would make decent friends, the lack of any physical or emotional chemistry between them would make them incompatible in a romantic relationship.

Romantic Seme - With the Romantic Seme's loving, understanding ways, these two would make a good match - the Romantic Seme looking after the Clueless Uke and the Clueless Uke appreciating the Romantic Seme's companionship and attentiveness.

Opportunist Seme - A perfect match - both of these uke and seme just want to have a good time and don't crave a lot of drama. While the Opportunist Seme may be a bit sneaky sometimes, the Clueless Uke doesn't mind much, and they both provide each other with amusement and companionship.

Don't Fuck With Me Seme - Not a chance in hell. In other words, incompatible.

I can't help but laugh at the description with Sadistic Seme. At my last workplace I met a person who is exactly that type, and although I know what he meant, I pretended to be clueless. That worked exactly like in the description. He got bored and left me alone. Hehe. The Chibi Seme is true, too. Some of my friends are this type, at least I think so, and while I think they're pretty I really have no more than platonic love for them. I can see why the compatible ones would be Romantic/Opportunist Seme, as long as the romantic one is not bound to the dramatic and the opportunist one is not... well, a user. The DFWMS is also true, I don't like rude people at all, even the ones loaded with flirting.

Badass Uke - A casual friendship could exist between these two - the Clueless Uke just needing to find a fantasy gaming world elaborately real enough to pull their Badass Uke friend in. Both personalities do enjoy gaming, music, art, and food, and could get along quite well ~ the Badass Uke keeping their friend entertained with their sometimes eccentric behavior, and the Clueless Uke providing entertainment with their wealth of knowledge about music, games, and internet.

Innocent Uke - These two could make good friends (and even possibly more). The Clueless Uke and Innocent Uke would share many of the same interests.

Flaming Uke - A friendship between these two would be very possible. The Flaming Uke's desire to talk and entertain would keep the Clueless Uke amused, even if they only half listen to everything their friend is going on about... And as long as the Flaming Uke kept their bossy side reigned in, these two could make a fun and entertaining team.

Dramatic Uke - No real chance of friendship here. The Clueless Uke wants to have fun, and the Dramatic Uke would just wear them down mentally. Neither would have much understanding of each other, or want to hang out together, and would most likely avoid each other.

Clueless Uke - Clueless Uke very easily get along with their own type, in friendship, and possibly more ~ neither really caring that much who fills what relationship role, as long as they are having a good time.

Haha, how do they know I love games, music, art, food, dan internet? And how do they know I'm loaded with knowledge on those subjects? The Badass Uke seems interesting, perhaps my best frind is one, hm.. I need to ask her to take the test. Hehe. I'm not sure about Innocent Uke but perhaps my second coming out friend is one. I can imagine dating her, and we even look great together on photos, but I'm simply not in love with her. Good thing, though, she's straight. I've befriended a Flaming Uke. He's very flamboyant but everybody loves him. He admires my knowledge and skills, and I admire his ability to win any people's heart, not to mention his own heart of gold. The one problem is, I can't find the right image of a female flaming uke yet... haha. On the second thought, perhaps my first love was. I don't like drama, 'nuff said. Many people accused me of being cold-hearted and ignorant, but I really don't want people's negativity around me all the time. It really tires me out. Now this may sound a little narcissistic, but no worry, I'm not interested in anyone who's too alike with myself. Well, maybe just for friends. But it will be great if my partner doesn't care about labels or roles. Sometimes she wears pants and sometimes she wears dress, be my guest. Sometimes I cook and clean, sometimes she does. Sometimes I protect her and sometimes she protects me.

Ah well, it doesn't really matter either way. As long as she loves me and I love her, ain't that enough? I'm not consciously choosy, but I don't fall in love often, so I guess I can trust my heart in judging the best lady for me.

Education Matters

2010-09-13T16:58:00.001+07:00

Quite a long time ago, when I first came out to myself, I tried to browse about Indonesian gay and lesbian forum. Please notice that we're talking about a time seven years back from now. I was highly disappointed. There weren't any with a positive note. In fact, there was this straight guy who said that he was curious to know more about the LGBT community in Indonesia, since he knew that we existed but the media only told him about the negative sides of the community. He asked nicely if anybody could tell him the positive sides of us. Nobody bothered to answer, and even a guy, I assumed a gay guy, even told him to 'leave us alone'. The ladies weren't so positive either. Most believed that being gay is a sin, and some even went to the length of swearing to live a celibate life despite having a female partner. I left the forums immediately and never come back.

Listening to such rantings about being sinful, being fearful of the people, etc, might be frustrating to those of us who have come to accept who we are and gain enough confidence to live our lives proudly. We know that being gay is only a part of us and not to mess up with our qualities and even use that as a motivator to strive to be better than heterosexuals. Those of us most probably had a good education, maybe even graduating from abroad, having a good position in some well-respected company, maybe already successful and even rich. But don't forget, the LGBT community is a far wider community than that. Not all of us are butch, not all of us are rich, and certainly not all of us had the chance to be educated so liberally.

It was easy to forget how we've come this far, wasn't it? Now that everybody around us looked up to us in awe, adored us while knowing that we're gay, we thought that every LGBT people should strive to be like us. We look down on those who still believed they're sinners. We looked down to those with great fear of being caught holding a lesbian book. We looked down to those who would not come out although they were apparently gay.

If we really want to build a strong and solid community, we have to include everyone. It's hard enough being judged as minority by other people, why would we judge our own brothers and sisters? No one asked you to be best friends, but please stop looking down and judging each other. It started to look like a caste system within the community, and I don't like it one bit.

There are two kinds of brave people: those who were gifted to be fearless from birth, and those who learn to be fearless. Nobody can say I'm a coward, except when it comes to approaching girls I like.. but that's another matter altogether... hehe. But I was one of those who had to learn how to be brave. I was a very fearful child. Until now, fear is in my nature. But I have learned to beat it, never let it get the best of me. Yes, I was trembling when I stood on the edge of that 11th floor building, but I rappled down anyway. Yes I was scared of roller coaster but I got on anyway. Heck, at my first coming out I was white as snow and feverish, but I blurted out the words anyway. Being scared is natural, being a coward is a choice. It took education and learning process to know the difference. But what I hate is when those who are gifted with a brave soul looked down on those who needed to learn, instead of helping them to get over it.

I tried to tell people that being gay is not a sin, that we shouldn't condemn ourselves but take our difference as a gift. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I don't plan to stop. I won't teach anybody to bail out of their religion, but sometimes we should UNDERSTAND our belief instead of taking everything words per words. The choice is still theirs and I respect it. That's the point, isn't it? When there is someone who would step forward and be a leader, we applaud and support them. When there isn't anyone, we wait and making progress. It doesn't do to force someone who isn't willing to come out to do so, and then when they lost their friends or families as a result, we would just say, "Well, that's the risk." Coming out is not a prove of how brave you are, blindly coming out just because your friends dare you to do it is plain stupid. It is a declaration done for and ONLY for yourself, when you feel the need to do it and is prepared to accept the risk. Doing it for any other reason is careless and dangerous (imagine if you suddenly come out to your grandmother who has high temper, high blood pressure, and heart disease!). Of course the more people come out publicly the better it is for our visibility (well, except for Ryan, that is), but since I'm not going to be the first to step up, I will never point a finger to another.

Well, my point is, if we want to come together as a society we should reach out more. To those who are less fortunate than us in term of self-esteem or education, and to those who are ignorant of the community. It's not easy, and it's not quick, but at least my homophobic friends know not to use certain words when I'm around, and they have a better understanding about LGBT community and are not afraid to be friends with me. They still think it's a sin, though, but it's still much better. So many little things we can do to make this world a little bit better, without having to go on the cover of a magazine a la Ellen (although that's a very good thing to, hehe). Advice for things we can do is always welcome. :D

Racist Bastard

2010-09-03T02:34:00.000+07:00

I remember the term my good friend Zhou Yu used to call himself when he went all Asian-loving. Seems like I'm back in my racist-bastard phase then. Well that was a joke, of course, I think I've found women in any race that I think is hot. White? Well take a look at my Afterellen vote. Black? Rose Rollins, Jennifer Beals, hmmm... Indian? Lisa Ray, Kajol, that girl who played opposite Keira Knightley in Bend It Like Beckham... lots of them, actually, but I rarely watch Indian movies so I can't remember more. Aaaaaanyway. Let's see my taste in Asian women for now. For some reason I can only think of Chinese/Taiwanese/Hong Kong actresses... oh, and then some... but let's see.

1. Michelle Yeoh

My ultimate Asian-crush go first. I've been having a crush on her since senior high school, and I recently rekindled that crush, stronger than ever. How could I not? She's smart, tough, strong, kind, down-to-earth, beautiful, sexy, and fun loving. Hollywood thinks they know her works, but I've seen her in a far more difficult stunts back in her Hong Kong movies time. That motorcycle jump into a running train in Police Story 3 is simply unforgettable for me.

Most cherished work for me: Royal Warriors, Police Story 3, Wing Chun, Taichi Master

Gay points: In an interview with Rosie years ago, she mentioned that when she was approached for a role in a Bond movie she originally was excited because she thought she got to play James Bond. Hm, that would be a very interesting movie. Heh heh.

2. Cecilia Yip

My oldest Asian-crush. I don't know what it is about her that attracts me so much. I've only seen three of her works, two of them as a man, but I've seen plenty pictures of the roles she played. They all varied so much I wonder how she did it. She's such a wonderful actress, there's no doubt about it. I love her voice, too (have watched interviews and her singing with Angie Chiu). And since she's often played a role no one else wants to take, I think she's pretty smart and humble.

Most cherished work for me: White Snake Legend, of course. And Xiao Kan Liang Yue. Both with Angie Chiu.

Gay points: She played a lesbian twice. She played a man four times. That's gay enough, also I found some interview where she stated that although in the beginning it was a little bit awkward for her to act being in love with a woman, she would then just think of how beautiful her co-star is, and how she could just fall in love with her. Of course, having Angie Chiu as a co-star made it so much easier....

3. Shu Qi

Asking men if she is a hottie would be like asking them if they think Angelina Jolie's hot. I couldn't argue with them on both cases, of course, but there's something more to her than just meet the eye. Her acting skill is too much underrated, I think, because of how she started up her career. I first saw her in Stephen Chow's The Lucky Guys, and although not really my type, she's mighty charming in that one. But the one that finally pushed her up my hot list was 'So Close'. With that movie she's so close to beating Michelle Yeoh off, but cause she had a boyfriend in that movie, I pulled her back down the list. Heh heh.

Most cherished works for me: So Close, The Lucky Guys

Gay points: Watch 'So Close' once, and tell me if you can ever forget that bathtub scene. (Of course, for a lesbian with a younger sister like me, it feels in between yummy and disgusting - oh well, they're not sisters in real life, so whatever.)

4. Siti Nurhaliza

Gotta admit that I'm most embarrassed to admit this one. But it's true, at one point in my life I've had a crush on her. I still remember the very first time I watched her on TV. I didn't know about her, but her pretty figure caught my eyes, so I watched, and then she sang! Mind you, it wasn't on a stage, but in a karaoke setting at her own home, I suppose. I was hooked. Yes, I'm that shallow. Heh heh. I still have a soft spot for her, because her voice is really that good, and she seems to be a genuine person.

Most cherished works for me: Prasasti Seni. Some of the songs in that album really translated to my real-life crush at that time.

Gay points: NONE that I know of. Except if you count some subtle lyrics in her songs, but I don't count them because those songs were written by men anyway.

5. Tamlyn Tomita

It's such a shame that I only know her from one movie, but her impression is so strong that I remember her to this day. I have watched all three Karate Kid movies (four if you count Jackie Chan's new one), and only on the second Karate Kid did I feel like stealing away the girl. She's simply much too good for Daniel (what is it about him changing girlfriend in every movie a la James Bond anyway?). I love the tea ceremony scene and the final fight scene. She's the only one of Daniel's girlfriends who tried to fight along with him, not only standing behind waiting to be rescued. She had no fighting skill, of course, but that didn't stop her for helping Daniel at the critical moment. Sure, I might be biased and Kumiko is the girlfriend of my dream instead of Tamlyn, but if she can act that well on her first movie, then she's an admirable natural talent.

Most cherished work for me: The Karate Kid Part II

Gay points: None that I know of.

Honorable mentions: Angie Chiu, Idy Chan, Sandra Ng, Joan Chen, Lucy Liu
There are two more Asian ladies I want to add, as they were the girls I was in love before, but of course I'm not that crazy. Heh heh.

The Roots of My Evil

2010-08-23T01:11:00.000+07:00

Well, the title is just a sarcastic joke. I don't mean to write about people who inspired me to be more evil. I mean to write about people who inspired me how to be healthy, happy, and gay. Gay people who inspired me to be gay, to be exact. I got this idea from Fried Durian's "5 gay characters that had big influence on my queer-ness" post. I think it's about time I paid them their tribute, for guiding me through the most confusing part of my teenage days.

1. Xena
TV Series: Xena: The Warrior Princess

Here's where everything good about me begins. When I first saw Xena's trailer on TV, I never once gave it a second thought. The trailer was 'dark' and full of violence, and I automatically decided it was not for me. If I have to fully confess my sin, Xena's trademark of short skirt made me think she was just a girly warrior who won wars by seducing men - making her no better than a whore in my eyes. Ouch. Was I wrong. Yes, given the wrong producers and the wrong writers the series could have easily turned out that way. But one day I watched one of the episodes (because I had no choice), and I fell in love right away. A love that still burns warmly until now.

The first episode I watched was 'Miss Amphipolis'. I was amazed at how Xena transformed from a tough warrior into a beautiful princess. I was amazed at how she helped each of the contestant to find their way of life so subtly. I was amazed at how the show made me laugh and cry and even frightened all in one episode. Little did i know that the best was yet to come.

Xena is my beginning in every sense of the word. I was only 11 year-old when I first knew her, so she basically mentored me through my growing up phase. I took lessons of life in almost every episode, either from her or from Gabrielle. And I took a lesson of love. It's no secret to anybody that Xena and Gabrielle's friendship is one of a kind. I envied them a lot back then, and wished I could find a 'friend' just like that. Then I was introduced to internet, and there I found a whole other layers to the Xena episodes I'd been following. All the lovey-dovey subtexts were clearer when you look at them as pictures and words, not as a fast-moving video. Strangely enough, I was so excited by the more intimate relationship between Xena and Gabrielle, but I was disgusted every time someone started mentioned the word 'lesbian'. It was when I discovered fan fiction and found Ryan that all these changed.

2. Ryan O'Flaherty
Fan-Fiction: I Found My Heart in San Fransisco
Author: SX Meagher

No picture, of course, as she is an uber fanfic character, but you're welcome to imagine Lucy Lawless in her role. Before I read IFMHSF, there were two other fan fictions that helped me open my mind about lesbianism: Blue Fire by CE Gray and Hesed by Mayt. When I read Blue Fire I was still in denial. I loved the fact that Blue Fire and Alice loved each other, but I kept deny the fact that they were in love until the part where their society condemned them for being together. I was outraged! They did nothing wrong and they were such good people, how could those people wanted to kill them just because they loved each other? And to my chagrin, I was so happy when they were married in the end. Then I read Hesed. I learned about God a lot from that fiction. Before I only thought about Jesus, and what was written in the Bible as taught by the church and my school. When I read Hesed, I was amazed. 'The Da Vinci Code' and 'Angels and Demons' were nothing new for me cause I've read 'Hesed' a long time before that. It opened my mind about religion and its connectivity with homosexuality. From there I realized, believing in a religion is one thing, believing in God is quite another.

Although my problem with homosexuality and my conflict with religion had been solved, there was one more trouble I needed to solve before I could even admit to myself that I'm gay. It was about how gay people live nowadays. I was in senior high school by then, and I was very close with this girl. I definitely felt something more than friendship for her, but I didn't want to admit to be a 'lesbian'. All my life the image presented to me about lesbians were that they were boyish, arrogant, violent, alcoholic, drug-abusers, crazy, psycho, and predators. In the fiction Ryan and Jamie were both in a lesbian study class, and Jamie was straight so Ryan had to explain to her almost every aspect of lesbian life for their classes. It was there I learned about being a lesbian. Figured there was nothing much different about it than being a heterosexual. Heh heh.

Ryan helped me settling in my new identity. Not only that, I learned a lot of being a human from her. She was a flawed, but otherwise almost angelic person. She was playful, smart, kind, fun, charming, considerate, oh well, if she was nearby, Edward AND Jacob would have no chance of winning Bella. Even when Bella is straight. Heh heh. No kidding. I wanted to be like Ryan in a lot of ways, but mostly in her compassion. In one arch of the story some guys hijacked her car and almost killed her, but then she risked her life trying to save them instead. Blue Fire did that too, and Xena did that too. I guess I'm just a sucker for women with a heart of gold. In case you were wondering, that's where my nickname came from, and I'm proud of it.

3. Ellen DeGeneres

Okay, she's literally the most famous lesbian in the world, so it seems a little bit cliché to add her here, but I must stay truthful in my tribute, mustn't I? Most people know her from her current talk show, except maybe American, but I'm one of the few people who start liking her from her sitcom days.

I first knew about Ellen when I had already admitted to myself that I was gay but was not comfortable with it just yet. I googled 'lesbian women' with a red face and trembling hand at a warnet, and I found out about her coming out. What intrigued me the most was the cover of 'Times' magazine on where she came out. I had some kind of deja-vu about that cover but I couldn't remember where or when. I was deeply inspired by her coming out story and what she went through before and after the 'Puppy Episode' came out. I ran into a transcript of that famous episode, and it was so brilliant I had to watch it. Luckily, youtube was available. I watched it and I loved it. From then on I watched nearly every episode of Ellen's sitcom, continued with her failed sitcom, her two stand-up comedy specials, Finding Nemo, and of course, her current talk show.

I like Ellen a lot, and she is the person I respect the most in gay society, hands down. She is classy, funny, smart, kind, generous, and she had been through enough to make her wise. My ultimate wish for the younger generation is that there will be someone like Ellen in Indonesia so that people can see that gay people are just people. Ellen was not the first one to come out, but hers made the biggest impact in America. She risked her career and she lost it, but not before she saved some lives and opened some minds. I'm among those who - given the chance to meet her - would thank her for showing me that I can be 'normal' and gay. When you look at Ellen, although she does meet the 'boyish' stereotype about lesbian, you don't see a stranger. You see a sweet, pretty girl next door. I'm also that kind of girl and when I admit of being a lesbian, my biggest worry was that I had to change in order to fit the community. Knowing Ellen made me realize that I am who I am first, and I just happen to be a lesbian, not the other way around. That made all the difference.

4. Melissa Etheridge

I told you I knew Ellen from her sitcom days, right? And her famous coming out. Who sang the sitcom's opening theme in that episode? Who was one of Ellen's closest friend those days? Who bugged Ellen about coming out along with other celesbian? Yup, Melissa it is. I was so curious about this Melissa person, whose face I couldn't even see from all of Ellen's reference. I knew she was a musician, so instead of googling her picture, I searched for her music. I was never a rock and roll fan before Melissa. Sure I loved Rent, but I thought it was because of the message behind the music. And sure enough, when I got 'Bring Me Some Water' and 'Breathe' I couldn't like them, I only took the pride that a lesbian singer sang them. It was a turn of fate that a chatting friend of mine was a fan and she sent me some of Melissa's other music. I wasn't really interested, but then I heard a sample of 'This Moment' somewhere, and I fell in love right away. It was incredible. I searched in vain to get the full version of that song, and along the way I found Melissa's other songs. I searched for the lyrics of each song and listened to them while reading the lyrics. I was instantly hooked.

When I like something I want to know as much as I can about it. After I fell in love with the music, I started to find out what Melissa looked like and who she is. No kidding, I searched for her in youtube, and the first video I watched was 'I Want To Be In Love', and I remember being frustrated because I can't see her face in that video! Heh heh. Google was no help. I can't remember why, but I remember how hard it was to get a clear shot of her face. But because of that I stopped searching for her pictures and searched for videos instead. I remember the nights I spent in warnet just downloading her videos (I could even find some of my blog posts from those nights here). It was a good thing, but you know what? Melissa's music maybe awesome, but her performance live is just beyond words. Until now her 'Live and Alone' DVD from 2001 is still my favorite (I have THREE of them!), along with her Dutch PinkPop performance of 'Like The Way I Do' in 1989, her duet with Dolly Parton, and of course her 2005 Grammy performance - yes, the bald one. I can't find words for the way I feel about her music. I always say it's like I've been dating with lots of girls and finally find the one I will marry. Yes, I like lots of music, from jazz to dangdut, from classical to rap, and I find out later it's not that I fell in love with rock and roll, I only fall in love with Melissa's music; her songwriting, her voice, her trademark guitar skill, and her passionate performance. Period. I know I'm not biased because when I persuaded a homophobic friend to watch a video, she said, "It's a waste she's gay, she's so hot!" and "Damn, she sings like she's having sex!" No kidding, that's exactly why I love her performance. When you're having sex you put all your mind and energy into it. When you're having sex with the person you love, you add your bare soul to the mix and it's all the more incredible. Whenever she performs, she also puts all her mind and energy into it, and on a good day, she bares her soul along with it. I love it especially with 'Like The Way I Do' - that song has the flirting phase, the seduction phase, the foreplay, the intercourse, and of course the climax, followed with one or two after-climax phases. Phew - no wonder that song can last about 19 minutes non stop.

Of course, along with the music, I fell in love with Melissa herself. I like Ellen and I respect her a lot, but it's Melissa that I love. She's fun, mostly soft-spoken, thoughtful, compassionate, and what I like most: painfully honest. I have to cringe sometimes. Ouch, how the heck can someone say something like that in public? But she is committed to telling the truth, and it often gives her many backlashes. She's someone who follows her heart more than her mind, and although she's not dumb she's not often being accused of being smart. Thankfully, her coming out in 1993 (four years before Ellen did) didn't hurt her career.

There were some smaller influences in accepting my gay life, Afterellen.com being one of them (I found it in 2004, I think, and had been following ever since), but not one come close to these four icons. Because I knew them I changed for the better and I can't thank them enough. I still have one problem, though. All of my influences, and even real-life lesbians I know are Westerners. I'm not complaining, of course, but because of that I still can't find my place in Indonesian lesbian community. My writing this blog in English doesn't help, but it's out of habit, not for showing off. In fact, I started writing blog in English because I want to exercise my English and end up not being able to write properly in Indonesian. Ironic, huh?

So, well, I think my lessons are to be continued. :)

No Oreo No More

2010-08-09T20:31:00.001+07:00

A word of advice: NEVER ask me if any couple looks good together. I may still gush after one couple or another, mind you, I love the idea of two people looking good together and so in love, because right now my love life can only be compared to a desert. If I remember it right there are four couples I wrote (and gushed) about in this blog (found it. It's in January 2009 archive). Xena and Gabrielle, The Eternal Couple, Melissa and Tammy, The Ever-After Couple, Gro and Katja, The Golden Couple, and Ellen and Portia, The Classic Couple. As per now, half of those four couples have split up. And although they never broke up, in the end of the series, Xena died and Gabrielle had to live her life alone. God help me I want Ellen and Portia to stay together, for the sake of lesbian visibility and as not to make me feel guilty - coz right now I feel like I jinxed them somehow. Doesn't make sense, huh?

When Melissa and Tammy split up, I consoled myself with Gro and Katja. I like both of them, and I love the fact that they're a couple in personal and professional life. And they were so cute together! I know I'm not the only one surprised by their break up. Dang it. Well, I still have lots of favorite gay and straight couples, but I think it's better for me not to publish the list once again (heh), but it's definitely sad to see a seemingly perfect couple break up. Knowing that Gro is single doesn't even help in my case, she's still so far away. Anyway the brighter side of the news are that they're still good friends and teammates. At least the break up is relatively smooth.

I guess I should stick with my favorite fiction couples. Hermione and Luna might not end up together in the book, but at least they live happily ever after in MY book. So do Prof. McGonagall and Prof. Trelawney. And in my realm Bette never cheat on Tina. Hehe. Real lives are too unpredictable for favoriting, rite? Especially in celebrity world. In my circle of families and friends, fortunately, divorce is almost non-exist. That doesn't speak much, though, considering it's only because saving face comes first. Although, I'm starting to think that it might be a good idea, too, to stay together for a while even when it seems like it's best to break up, because who knows that it's only a bump on the road. Eh, I guess I'll only know when the time comes.

Anyway, life goes on. I can only thank Gro and Katja for being one of my favorite couples ever and wish them the best for their future. As for me, dang, where are all the lesbians when you need one?

Ps. Ah, forget to write about Prop 8. Like I said years ago, it only needs a little time to fail. Now if only I can get a Californian girlfriend...

Okay, My Turn

2010-07-16T00:41:00.000+07:00

I hate it when people I care about gets dissed without anyone even knowing the whole story. And Melissa has got dissed. A lot. With all the money she's losing from her 'devoted' fans, I think it's fair that Tammy gets nothing. Damn, it's such a lose-lose situation and I hate to write this post. But I have to. I haven't taken my stance just yet, but right now I'm leaning heavily on Melissa's side.

Let's break down the story:
1. They announced they were separating. At the same time.
2. Melissa was interviewed by Oprah and she didn't want to tell the story because Tammy wasn't there to tell her side, but she said the breakup was 'as mutual as those things can be' and Afterellen picked up that as 'probably not mutual at all'.
3. Tammy wrote on her blog that Melissa left her. It wasn't mutual at all. Melissa got dissed, of course. Some fans left.
4. Melissa filled for divorce. No spousal support for Tammy. Wants joint custody with the kids. More people dissed her. More fans left.
5. Tammy wrote on her blog that she was blindsided, that they promised not to fill for the divorce until after the tour. Telling her story that she had to stay home with the children while Melissa was having fun on tour. That she had to scrapped up 1 dollar for gas, borrowing money from friends and families. Now things got ugly. Hate comments everywhere. Not to mention from gay marriage supporters, who felt heavily betrayed.
6. Tammy filled back. She wants full custody AND spousal support.
7. Tammy's lawyer said she was not given a penny since the divorce. Melissa's lawyer said Tammy's delusional, and that Melissa's been paying all of Tammy's expenses, which totals tens of thousands of dollars per month. Article.
8. First court. Tammy's lawyer demand $25K immediately and another $25K for legal fees. Denied. The judges believed that Melissa was paying for everything already. Article. To be continued in September.

No shit, I hate how this goes. Hate is not even strong enough a word. I hate this more than even the gay marriage debate. First of all they were my favorite couple on planet earth. Second of all, it hurts enough that they parted, not to mention the four children. Third of all, it always hurts me when Melissa got backlashed without people even knowing the whole story. She got backlashed sharing her own life story, she got backlashed supporting Kucinich, she got backlashed making peace with Rick Warren, heck, she even got backlashed supporting breast cancer awareness. Fine, she was not completely speaking true on Oprah (though heck, if AE can pick up her real meaning, she's not really lying after all), but who the heck NEVER lie or at least cover the truth? She does preach speak true, but though I'm a firm believer in speak true, at times I lie, too. I tried my best not to lie, but hey, I'm only human.

I don't know why they broke up, I don't know why Melissa refused to pay Tammy MORE. While I don't know them personally, I'm a devoted fan of Melissa and I read Tammy's blog sometimes. When things got ugly, I only said that I couldn't care less if Melissa won't pay Tammy, they're adults. But if she refused to support her own children, I'd lose all respect for her. I'm so happy I was right. Melissa's still who I thought she was.

I wish Julie could speak up about this, but even Melissa stayed silent. Something doesn't sound right. Melissa was hurt by Julie, but she still offered her spousal and child support. IF Tammy didn't do anything wrong, why would Melissa not want to give her spousal support? I don't believe Melissa's a cheap person. I know Melissa gave out lots of money in support of things she care about, even when she knew she could gain absolutely nothing from that. And she has much, what's ten thousand a month for her? She's not stupid. She knew she's going to get backlashes if she refused to pay Tammy. Why did it anyway? She believed in gay marriage and that's why she paid Julie in full, why not now? They're all so way out of her character and therefore I believe there must be a reason behind what she did.

And gaaaaaaaaah... there are so many random people just making assumptions as facts. Melissa NEVER pushed Tammy to stay home, it's Tammy herself who offered herself. Tammy LOVED being home more than acting. I hate it when people said how miserable she was, giving up her career and all - if you wanna take her blog for facts, read it all. Oh, sorry, you can't. Some posts had been deleted for one reason or another. Gah. Many people mentioned Tammy nursing Melissa back to health. So? They were functioning back then. Melissa also took care of Tammy during her pregnancy. Tammy took care of home, Melissa took care of their income. No one owed someone anything when it's all give and take. One more thing: Melissa NEVER pushed Tammy to have children. In an interview she said that Tammy wanted children and she wanted to respect that. But that doesn't mean she doesn't love them. She mentioned them almost in every interview, and looking back at her track records with her two elder children - she and Julie even arranged a connecting houses after break up for their sakes! That's why I put my faith in how she treated her children. If she's as cruel as giving no financial support for her children, then she's not the Melissa I knew and maybe she was just a mean, unethical, unfair, lying, cheating, stealing, stinky, ugly, hurtful, selfish, self-centered, worthless, shallow, vain asshole (this is considered 'nice') like everybody said. She's not.

I never said anything hateful about Tammy so if in the end she's right, I owe her nothing. But if I'm right and Melissa's story is truer, than so many people owe her huge apology. Even now many people owe her apology for calling her names because they thought she didn't want to pay support for her children. But I think now they only move their hatred into her not paying Tammy 'makeup, shoes, dresses, eating out, laundry detergent' money (even this one I'm not sure is right, coz other source mentioned that Tammy got $2000 a month just for herself). Geez. The only thing I regret is not being able to go to her tour this year. With so many fans giving up their tickets I'm bound to be able to get good seats and less competition to get her pick. Heh.

Simplicity of Mind

2010-06-28T20:58:00.000+07:00

I've figured out lately that I love working from home more than anything else. I love being home, I love being able to work and eat or drink at the same time (although I rarely do this since it's messy), I love being able to work without supervision - all that matters is the result, and I love working without the constant competitiveness with co-workers. I worked with lots of people before, and I don't like it. I always prefer a small team in doing works cause it's easier to manage and it's more focused. I also can't stand a company hierarchy. It means that everybody's trying so hard to get to the top, fighting with each other and trying to make each other fall. If you succeed at something or if you stand out, be prepared to get all kinds of shits thrown your way. Well, at least that's the case with my previous job. Well, the downside is of course that I don't have the stability my previous job offers. There will be about another month without paycheck, I think. Heh heh.

Anyway, having lots of time on my hand makes me think about all sorts of things, too. When I work 12 hours a day I was too tired to think of other things. Being tired and stressed out make me care only about myself and not about anyone else, much less about strangers I don't even know. Now I think about the strangest of things, and right now it's about living in the ancient time. No, not the ancient like ancient Rome or Greece or China, much more ancient than when Jesus was born. I think about the living of people when there was no money system, when there was not much technology, when there was no country or religion or even tribe.

For me now looking at them, their lives are so simple. They work day by day just to fill their needs, not for anything else. They live together in harmony and everyone can choose their roles. Some are farmers, some are hunters, some are healers, some are teachers, and most of the women do house chores together. There is no TV or computer or radio to distract them from the people around them. There is no plane or train so all they see is what's around them. There is no money so there's no rich-man and poor-man. Then I think, what problems did they have, then? Did crime and greed existed even then? What did they do for fun? How long can they stick that way before change happens? Are they happy with the way they lived? There are so many question and I of course don't have the answer.

I always love simplicity. Some may say I'm stupid or dull because of that, but that state of simplicity always makes me happy. I love plain vanilla ice cream. I rarely add any sauce or salt or pepper to my food. I don't like chili. I love hot tea without sugar (although it depends on what kind of tea it is). I even prefer Oreo without the filling. That translates to my preference of women: no piercing, no tattoo, no hair-dye, not much accessories is very good to me. And perhaps everyone would agree with me with no-clothes liking, but that's another matter altogether :))

Being born in this time and age exposes me to lots and lots of things. This is the age of information, and although I love the fact that I can get almost any information I need just by connecting to the internet, I also get lots of information I could do without. Criminal news are good for cautionary tale, but it makes me wary of strangers - even strangers in need. Every time I see a stranger in need I have an ugly internal battle. What if they only trap me into their scheme? But what if they really need help? I'm very ashamed that I have to think twice to help someone, but I also realize it's better to be cautious, many people are glad to use other people's kindness to trap them. You can even eat a delicious chicken somewhere and the next thing you know someone's telling you it's not chicken but rat. Nowadays I consciously filter myself more of those negative things, but I can only do so much when everybody around me are still watching, reading, or listening to such news.

I really think people can be happier living the old way, in a simpler way. When women don't have to struggle so hard to stay thin, when it doesn't matter how much or how little you have, when it doesn't matter what religion you have, or what race you are, or who you love. Ah well, maybe God had a point when He told humans not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge.

Like A Shooting Star

2010-06-16T02:14:00.003+07:00

如果失去是苦，你还怕不怕付出
如果坠落是苦，你还要不要幸福
如果迷乱是苦，在开始还是结束
如果追求是苦，这是坚强还是执迷不悟

如果分离是苦，你要把苦向谁诉
如果承诺是苦，真情要不要流露
如果痴心是苦，难道爱本是错误
如果相爱是苦，这是上的真情它在何处

好多事情总是后来才看清楚
然而我已经找不到来时的路
好多事情当时一点也不觉得苦
就算是苦我想我也不会在乎

I was just reminded to this song I liked back when I was in high school. At that time I liked Michelle Yeoh and this is the soundtrack from one of her movies, sung by Michelle herself. Yesterday I found a fan-made music video dedicated to one of Angie Chiu and Cecilia Yip's (the White Snake Legend lead couple) series using this very song.

I liked this song more than just the fact that Michelle sang it. The melody wasn't so interesting, and yet it's easily implanted to my memory. But as usual, the real draw was when I understood the lyrics. I can so relate to it, especially the chorus. At that time I was still very much heartbroken and well, this song is about how you still want to love even though loving is suffering. This is the translation from www.michelleyeoh.info (I edited some words):

If losing is painful are you scared of giving

If falling is painful will you still wish for happiness

If confusion is painful should you end it or start it over

If pursuing is painful do you call it strong or stubborn

If separation is painful to whom can you divulge your pain

If promise is painful should you express your real passion

If obsession is painful isn't love a mistake after all

If loving is painful where is the true feeling in this world

There are many things that I can only understand afterwards
But I can no longer find the road where I came from
For many things I don't feel any pain at the time when it happened
Even if they were painful I think that I simply could not care

I think the part I can relate to at this moment is the chorus. There are many things I don't understand now, and maybe I can only understand it later. The things I understand now I can no longer change. No, I don't play with regret. If I made the 'right' choice (as my choice back then seemed 'wrong' for me now), I would have missed so many things along the way. No matter which choice I took, there would be goods and bads along the way. Knowing the bad, should I just run away from that choice? I think as long as I believe strongly in my choice, no matter how bad it turned out, I won't have any regret. Even if it's painful, I won't even be able to care.

When I Was A Child...

2010-06-12T01:07:00.000+07:00

I always consider myself quite a sentimental person. Well, maybe at times. Using the line, "For old time's sake.." can be a killer in seeking favor with me (psst, don't tell anybody). Right now I'm feeling nostalgic in a different way, maybe it's because my birthday's just passed, but I started googling about a show I haven't seen since forever. Well, not really 'forever', cause I owned the VCD copies of the series, but I also haven't seen that in a while. Even better? That was probably my FIRST lesbian movie/series EVER.

Well, as I googled the characters and the forums, etc, I stumbled on a thought. Could they be my first celebrity crush ever? Figured out, no. There was a woman I had a crush on before them. This is she:

Recognize her? No? Well, how about this one:

Yep. The one who broke Chow Yun Fat and Andy Lau's heart. Who could blame me on having my first celebrity crush EVER on her?

But that series has a place in my heart more than The Return of Condor Heroes. I have to admit I wouldn't have remembered Yoko if it wasn't because I stumbled upon it while googling White Snake Legend. Yup, that's my favorite Chinese series ever. Maybe it's because of the sentimental connection with my childhood, maybe because it's very lesbianish, maybe because it's musical and humorous and tragic and romantic and even scary (for an elementary school-er) rolled into one, I don't care either way. For me I'll always love that show along with Xena. I like Friends alright but I don't love it. Now Glee has a chance in winning my heart, but when I watched more episodes of it, I kinda lean on the 'like' side more. We'll see.

Anyway, back to crushes, until now I can't decide which woman I like better. Bai Su Zhen is of course very beautiful, very cool in the feminine sense, she's wise and tender but powerful, and in short I would love to have a wife just like her. I mean, look at her!!!

I can't find a single flaw on her. And that's maybe the only unattractiveness I find in her. She's simply too perfect.

On the other hand, Han Wen (please note that even though in the story she's a he, in the depth of my perverted mind she's always a she)... she's kinda cowardly, goofy at times, very dependent and some may say weak, but actually, I'm very attracted to that side of hers. Haha. I can smile (literally) just by looking at her childlike face. She's certainly not stupid, but she looks really innocent and pure and naive, and that makes me want to ensure that she stays that way forever. Above all, it's her sincere heart that attracts me to her. She's so kind and sincere to others, sometimes to the point of being stupid. Maybe that's why I like her more (Crap! Why aren't there more pictures of her as Han Wen??).

In a way, I think this couple's very gay not only because the part of Han Wen is played by a woman. It's the interaction between the characters. The setting was in a time when husband and wife play a certain role in the family, and they certainly aren't equal. That's not the case with this couple. They're completely equal in every way, and more often than not, it's due to Han Wen's deference to his wife. I won't say it's impossible to find a man like that, but it's a trait I find more often in women, as most men has his pride and reputation to protect. Not to mention their love is beautiful, and it continues to amaze me why many homophobic people aren't grossed out by their pictures together.

Not exactly lesbianish, but you can't say that look so straight either. Heh. And while that show won't help lesbian visibility much, at least it'll help people like me realizing their sexuality. Oh, and there are LOTS of gossips on the forums. But I'm far more interested in how people really hate Fa Hai (the monk) and debate whether She Lin (their son) should end up with Mei Niang (rabbit demoness) or Bi Lian. Their comments are mostly so anarchist it's funny. If all those people got their wishes, Fa Hai would have lost his beard and end up with a swollen bump on his head and Bi Lian would end up with a pig's nose. Yuck. I don't hate any character in the show mainly because despite their cruelness to the main characters, they have their reason behind their hostility. It's all forgiven in the end, though, as my favorite part about the show's end. Ah, and I can't stop laughing that one person wrongly wrote 'White Snake' as 'White Snack' and the person after him snatched, "White Snack? Lo kata kerupuk apa?"

I won't comment much on the music. I like the music very much, although after watching several episodes I skipped all the opening and ending song. I'm fond of some of the lyrics, they are very quotable and romantic, especially in Chinese. Maybe that's because I don't have many Chinese quote, but whatever. These two are from the opening and ending song, among my favorite of them all: "有緣千里來相會,無緣對面手難牽" and "是誰在耳邊說愛我永不變, 只為這一句斷腸也無怨".

Maybe my only wish is that the show is popular nowadays instead of twenty years ago. Then maybe I can vote for them on Afterellen's Hot 100. Heheh.

What A Day!

2010-05-18T21:24:00.014+07:00

Indeed, what a day! Today I filled my day fully with a very satisfying activity: OGLING. :D Yep. I did some ogling with Sid at the movie and mall, and then when I got home.. the ogling continues. Hehe.

Well I was only half kidding. Yesterday Afterellen.com finally released their 2010 Hot 100 but it was already late at night so I couldn't finish ogling the women. So today it is. Oh, and although you couldn't call it 'ogling', I did take a look at the beautiful men of Afterelton's Hot 100. I don't know if it's statistically true, but I think women who are considered beautiful by women and men who are considered beautiful by men are more beautiful than the ones considered beautiful by their opposite sex, if you know what I mean. At least I can speak that for the ladies. We are really really picky about who we consider 'beautiful'. Outer beauty is not enough, she has to have enough intelligence, she has to be strong in character, she has to be funny and kind and down-to-earth and charming. At least those are the basics. And well, in lists by women, butch women tends to have some spots reserved for them. They rarely have that privilege in lists by men. Anyway, after I took a loot at more than 200 beautiful people, I decided to write this post, which means that I get to ogle more women for pictures in this post. Heh heh. Very satisfying, indeed.

I forgot most of the women I voted for this year... stupid me, but I'm pretty sure at least 6 or 7 of them made the list. There are some women I didn't vote for cause I forgot them at the moment I voted.. but they're definitely on my list. So here's my hot list. :D

1. Melissa Etheridge

I wish I was her guitar

And how fabulous she is at 49!!!

2. Gro Hammerseng

It's very hard to pick only one picture of hers cause she has many sides of her, really. Sometimes she can be very butch and sometimes she's plain femme. So the only thing I could do is pick the plain picture of hers, which in my eyes is better than any of her studio ones.

Oh, and if ever there's a Rose of Versailles movie adaption made, I hope she'll be Oscar. She already looks so much like her. :D

3. Lena Headey

You're no wanker number 9! 'Nuff said.

4. Portia DeRossi

Where can I get that T-shirt? Love it!

5. Lea Michele

She debuted this year in my heart. I love geeks...

... but how can I not droll at this???

Or this???

6. Kajol

Most surprising debutant. But I gladly welcome her :D

7. Kristen Stewart

Not-so-surprising debutant, I think. She's even #2 on Afterellen this year!

8. Jane Lynch

Can't hate this woman. Absolutely. Not.

And don't argue with her.

So, What Is Love Then?

2010-04-15T21:50:00.001+07:00

It literally felt like a punch in the gut. I can't believe this is happening. http://hollywoodfarmgirl.blogspot.com/2010/04/cuz-in-hollywood-they-all-want.html

Of all the many couples in celebrity world I always believed in them, since the first time I saw them. I had total faith in their love, although a small voice in the back of my head warned me never to trust any public profiles completely, you never knew what happened when they got home. I thought I could hear it in her songs... they're getting better and happier. Figured that in a relationship if there's only one party being happy, it's not enough. I don't know who's right or wrong, but isn't it too soon, deciding to quit now? Based on Tammy's blog, their problem only started December or so. There are four children at stakes, and two of them had gone through a divorce once, they don't need another one. Having three or four mommies can still be cool, but five or six?! Dang.

It's not my place to judge them, I know. But it feels so personal to me cause I looked up to them so much. Looking at them together gave me insight what true love was like, and a hope that I could find someone who complemented me as much as they were to each other. I used to sing 'Sleep' thinking that she imagined someone much like Tammy when she wrote it. I sang 'This Moment' thinking about the days they were dating. And oh damn, 'When You Find The One', 'I've Loved You Before', even 'Threesome'. Those songs have my memories in them as well, not just theirs. And I'm truly saddened beyond words that now the break up is official. First Jodie and Cydney, then Rossie and Kelly, now my favorite couple of them all. Damn.

Well, still life goes on. For them and for me. I wish all the best for them, I still love them and heck I care about them. Luckily I also still believe in true love, though I have to admit right now I'm a little bit too pessimistic and bitter about love. Lucky and Angel... my thoughts and prayers for both of you. May you find the happiness that you seek later in life.

So what is love then, is it dictated or chosen?
Does it sing like hymns or a thousand years or is it just pop emotion?
And if it was ever there and it left, doesn't mean it was never true...

Ah well, now I have to put my faith back to the everlasting couple... just cause I know their love really doesn't have an ending. :D

God Bless Us Everyone

2010-04-08T19:20:00.002+07:00

Let the stars in the sky remind us of men's compassion
Let us love till we die, and God bless us everyone

In your heart there's a light as bright as the stars in heaven
Let it shine through the night, and God bless us everyone

Till each child is fed, till all men are free
Till the world becomes a family

Star by star in the sky and kindness by human's kindness
Let me love till I die, and God bless us everyone

It seems that these few days I read and watch a lot of stories that makes me think of humanity. In a good way, and sadly, in a bad way. People are funny creatures. They can be angels and they can be demons, and sometimes, one person can be both. I have no idea, though, what runs through people's mind when they do horrible things to others. Disaster by natural causes (hurricane, earthquake, tsunami, volcano eruption, etc) are horrible enough, but it's the power of mother earth, one which no one person on earth could overcome. It's sad, but it's natural. Death by people with murderous intentions, however, even sadder to me. Especially one that is based on nothing but fear of differences. It can also mean fear of the change that people with different point of view would bring. This one most commonly found within political or religious organizations.

I've just read 'Totto-chan's Children' by Tetsuko Kuroyanagi. The story followed Ms. Kuroyanagi (Totto-chan)'s journey as an ambassador for UNICEF. I was deeply moved in the earlier chapters when she went to Africa and India, where the state of living was waaaaaaaaay beyond our imagination. Starvation and dehydration were so horrible that children's organs started to die one by one before they finally died. I'm sad to hear that there are so many people, especially children, who had to live such life. What's the point to be born in the first place if they couldn't be fed and then died so soon? But it's in those places that wonderful things happened. Things that reminded me of the beauty of human's soul. Even when they were thirsty beyond reason, when they found water, it's the youngest children who got to drink first. Even when they had nothing, when there were 'guests', they tried their best to be hospitable and walked almost 10 km to get water (the brown-colored kind, of course) for those strangers. And even though their bodies stop functioning, their heart apparently not, cause they still had enough compassion to wish happiness for a stranger.

But there are other places, where food and water are plenty, and yet the people are still not happy. A place where one wrong step could end your life - literally. Mine bombs are everywhere, men are killed, women are raped, children had to work hard and were tortured. In my eyes it's the worse place to be. This was done by men, not by nature. They also led a short, hard life, but unlike their starving friends, these children had no happiness. Their hearts are forever damaged, having to watch so many blood shed by other mankind. They knew hatred, fear, and despair far too soon in their lives. I simply cannot even begin to understand, how could a man put a bomb inside of a doll, so that when the little girl hug it, it exploded? How could grown-up men cut babies' and children's arms and feet for nothing, and left them to die? What the hell is the point in doing so? Even when they survived, those children became handicapped for no reason at all. That's insanity. To think that people are capable of that kind of evil, I do fear people more than ghosts.

Other bad news came more recently, and not as horrible, but maybe worth a thought, and definitely worth telling. Anybody already heard of Constance McMillen? I watched her on Ellen sometime ago, and I thought things would go better for her. Wrong. Well, the story started simple. Constance wanted to go to prom with her girlfriend and she asked the school to allow her to wear tuxedo. The school would not let her wear tux and would only allowed them to go if they go separately and don't dance and not be affectionate with each other during the prom (but so what's the point in going if they can't be together the whole evening?). So Constance went a great length to plead her case and the school canceled the prom for EVERYBODY. And guess who became the black sheep for the whole picture? The gay kid, of course. But then celebrities took notice, and everyone tried their best to support her, even offering her a prom of her own. Well, with all the highlights I think some good things would come to her, rite? Nooooooo. Just last week she was invited to a fake prom. Because the school wouldn't take their words back, the students' parents sponsored a prom for their children, and Constance was invited. Only... when she showed up, there were only six or seven other kids there. The others were at another place, the 'real' prom. It's sad, and it's cruel on some level. First of all, if only the school would recognize diversity, the whole hulla-balloo wouldn't have happened in the first place. Second of all, better not inviting her than inviting her to a fake prom. Third of all, the other kids at the fake prom are the 'unpopular' ones, two of them are children with 'learning difficulties'. Well, well, well. Now who's the evil one here? Is there really not one among the students or the parents who realized what they were doing is wrong?

And today, I watched 'My Name Is Khan'. I've been wanting to see that movie for some time now. The story is beautiful, and I kinda developed a crush on Mandira, but that's beside the point. :D I love the teaching of Khan's mother. "There are good people who do good things and bad people who do bad things. Besides that, there are no differences." But I have an addition. You see, in many teachings, there are opposites. Yin and yang, good and bad, day and night... but the way I see it, everything has three sides instead of two. Expand that a little bit more and maybe you'll get four. There are good people, there are bad people, and there are people who do nothing. Shamefully in many cases I'm included in the third category. I hope it's because I'm young and lack of confidence, purpose, and direction, not because I'm too lazy to do something. Doing nothing is not a crime, it's not a bad thing, but it certainly isn't good either. Watching this movie reminded me of Matthew Shepard so badly. He was also a victim of a hate crime, and worse, the people who killed him didn't even feel wrong for doing so.

As cliche as it may sound, there's nothing to end a circle of hatred but love and compassion. I know it's not easy, vengeance is a very strong desire. I'm not even sure I can do it. But if we don't, if we keep hating each other and killing each other, then who will be left to save the earth? Einstein once said that four years after all the bees are dead, mankind will extinct too. I think that's just a way of saying, when people are succeed in making one race, or one religion, or one group of people disappear, no matter how seemingly insignificant they may be, it would be the end of the world. Cause they won't stop there. Next it may be you or me. Who knows?

Between Tomatoes and Carrots

2010-03-10T01:26:00.002+07:00

If you don't mind my asking, which one do you prefer, tomato or carrot juice? This may seem to come out of nowhere, but I happen to notice that a gay man I work with prefer carrot to tomato, while the straight one prefer tomato. Given the choice I always prefer a mix of both, but I would choose tomato over carrot. Just for fun, please leave comments so I can do a little analysis if there is a connection between sexual orientation and... well... fruit/vegetables :DD

Homework from Zhou

2010-02-22T23:07:00.003+07:00

Why is it that when there are a lot of things going on in my life, I lost the ability to write it down? So, well, I'll just do this homework for post :D

1. WHERE IS U’R CELL PHONE?
Right now it’s at my left side, being charged

2. RELATIONSHIP?
Got a pretty good relationship with my parents and my sister. :D

3. U’R HAIR?
Short for now.

4. WORK?
I'll be looking for job next month, I think.

5. U’R SISTERS?
Yeah (???)

6. U’R FAVORITE THING?
Not sure I can choose one. I love lots of things.

7. U’R DREAM LAST NIGHT?
It was this afternoon, and I don't really remember it, but I remember laughing out loud in my sleep. What the heck?

8. U’R FAVORIT DRINK?
Sourcy groen but it's not available here sadly.

9. U’R DREAM CAR?
Sky blue cute car with an excellent audio system, preferably environment-friendly

10. U’R SHOES?
Sneakers, of course. But right now sandal gunung is my favorite. (What is 'sandal gunung' in English???)

11. U’R FEARS
I'm scared of being afraid

12. WHAT DO U WANT TO BE IN 10 YEARS?
Happy, healthy, and rich!!!

13. WHO DID U’R HANG OUT WITH LAST WEEK?
My family

14. WHAT ARE U NOT GOOD AT?
Communicating

15. ONE OF U’R WISH LIST ITEM?
MEIN pick set

16. WHERE U GREW UP?
In my favorite city in the world

17. LAST THING U DID?
Working

18. WHAT ARE U WEARING?
T-shirt and shorts and why the heck you wanna know???

19. U’R COMPUTER?
Is at home. I'm using my laptop

20. U’R PET?
Is dead

21. U’R LIFE?
Interesting

22. MISSING?
Being in love

23. WHAT ARE U THINKING RIGHT NOW?
How to write a resignation letter.

24. U’R CAR?
Don't have one. It's my parent's.

25. U’R KITCHEN?
Is not built yet

26. U’R FAVORIT COLOR?
Don't have one

27. LAST TIME U LAUGH?
This afternoon, in my sleep

28. LAST TIME U CRIED?
Can't remember

29. LOVE?
Is never wrong

30. SO WHO WANTS TO SHARE THEIR ONE’S? HOW ABOUT?
Huh???

31. PERSON ELECTED TO THE TAG..

Pencinta Perempuan(ku), Phiko, Boewatchat

Prop 8 - Testimony from The Unknown

2010-01-30T06:35:00.002+07:00

When I first realized my attraction to girls, I went into a long-time research over it. First, I wanted to be sure if it's a disease or not (coz everybody said it's a disease), maybe how I can get rid of it. Second, if being gay makes me an abnormal or weird person. I'd never seen any representation of a gay person before. And third, if it's a sin. Honestly that's the only thing I can't resolve until now. Problem is, I can only believe in what I feel. I'll never know what God really thinks.

Do you know what makes me choose to walk on this path in the end? It's because in every article, in every forum, in every dialogue or debate about gay rights or being gay at all, there is a very clear difference. The anti-gay people always talks about fear. "Burn in hell", "Jesus hates fags", "gay marriage threats traditional marriage", "the gays will teach children about sodomi", etc. "Disgusting, abnormal, abomination, unnatural, sin, etc" is among their favorite words. But the argumens in the gay side always talks about love. It's among, "We shouldn't judge people," "Respect difference", "I'm proud of my gay son/daughter/friend/parents/etc", "Love is stronger than blood", etc. True, the cases are sometimes reversed. There are anti-gay people who can actually think cold-headedly and logically, and there are some gay people who are downright rude. But in most cases, it's totally clear to me which side is 'right', according to my heart. It doesn't even matter to me if I'm gay or not. Even if I'm straight I'd still support gay rights, just like I'm not Jewish but I'd be against Hitler anyway.
I always want to be married someday. It doesn't matter much if it's legal or not for now because I don't want to wait until Indonesia makes it legal. But because of that, I want to support people who are 'almost' be able to get married. Besides, it's really a harmless thing. What difference would it be to your life if your neighbour is married or not? You can still pretend they're roommates if you want to. But being married is crucial to them, it affects many aspects in their lives. Face it, the hullaballo of Prop 8 has nothing to do with 'traditional marriage', children wellbeing', much less 'sanctity of marriage'. It's simply a political force of an organized religion. They fear that if gay marriage is legal, people will question more about their dogmas and rules, and therefore makes them leaves their church. Again, it's based on fear. And it's totally political, not religious, because those people will not lose their faith. They will only move to churches who is more open-minded. For people with strongly political minds, it's dangerous.

I don't wish for a 100% vote for NO on 8. I just wish, since it's 2010 already, people would be wiser and learning well from history. It's not the first time that one minority group of people being bullied, and it won't be the last. If you don't stand up for them now, when it's your turn to be bullied, there'll be no one left to stand up for you.

Love or fear. It's your choice now.

Learning To Live

2010-01-30T04:33:00.004+07:00

"When I woke up I was seventeen
You kissed my lips in a bad bad dream
Showed me things aren't what they appeared to be
Called me angel and set me free

You gave me life in the cold cold dark
But you ran away in the morning spark
Made me think that reality
Oh, is not where I wanna be

But I am what I am and I am what I am afraid of
So what am I afraid of

I need a fearless love, don't need to fear the end
If you can't hold me now, you will never hold me again
I wanna live my life, pursuing all my happiness
I want a fearless love, I won't settle for anything less"

When I listen to this song, I think of how much this song suits my life. It can even be the soundtrack to my teenage days. Like Melissa, I also 'woke up' when I was 17. Unlike her, it didn't happen in one day. Like the song, I met someone who opened up my world, someone who adored me and made me feel something I'd never felt before. Like in the song, she ran away once it's clear that we're more than friends.

You might have heard about 'I am what I am' in thousands of sayings or in songs. But have you ever heard about 'I am what I am afraid of'? It's so totally true. 'I am what I am' refer to having pride in who you are and what you do. But sometimes because of fear, you don't do what you're supposed to do, or you deny who you are. That's what 'I am what I am afraid of' means. I do love love love Melissa :DDD

I don't know if it's for the better or worse, but I am not what I was a year and a half ago. Ever since I knew Melissa, I learned not to let my feelings bottled up inside. For a while it was good. I know it's healthier and I don't have any problems with anyone cause I finished every disagreement right then and there. But for that one year I had to live with a very cancerous person, a person that for some reason always brought out the worst in me. I had to admit I went out of control often after that. I yelled and screamed and cried to my heart's content. It was good for me, I'm almost totally healed from whatever wound I had, because I let out all the anger, the sadness, and the hatred. I'm only sorry that the people around me couldn't do that no matter how I asked them to. My tantrum must have hurt them more.

I've found an example of a fearless love, I've found an example of the life I want to lead. I know it's the road less traveled. I know it's not easy and you can't just follow examples in real life. Even if you have all the same choices, the result may still vary. What I know is that this is my life, and if I want to live it to the fullest I can't let others get in the way. It can be selfish, it can be cruel, but for me, it's the best way. Others may want the best for me, doing things in my best interest, but what's the point if it's not what I need? What I need is just acceptance and support.

It's like a little kid running home with a drawing from school. She was so proud of her drawings, a pretty blue rose. She showed it to her mother, only to get scolded, "Roses are supposed to be red or white!! There's no such thing as a blue-colored roses! It's unnatural, an abomination!" How do you make someone proud of you, when all they're willing to see is a failure? How do you make them see that the blue-colored roses in this world are actually the rare and expensive kind and is very beautiful to many, when for them all roses which is not red or white are unnatural and weird?

For me, fearless love is all about making the choices that is true to my heart regardless of what others might say. I do have a dream, although it's not specific yet. I only know that I will stop at nothing to pursue that dream. And while I'm pursuing it, I'll just have fun. It's only life after all.

Pride Day

2010-01-07T22:51:00.000+07:00

Five years ago (I think), on January 5th, I came out for the first time to my best friend at that time. Until now I make January 5th my personal 'pride day'for no other reason than to remind myself to stay true to who I am - and this is not just about being gay, but about being me as a whole.

Well as coming out story goes, I already came out to myself three years before that (8 years ago... wow!). I didn't have a dramatic scene to that story. I didn't wake up one day, looked myself in the miror and though, "Wow, I'm just so gay!" The revelation was kinda smooth to me. It was through the diary I kept during my times with the first girl I've ever loved. Slowly I realized that my feelings for her was much more than a love between friends. Reading Xena fanfics helped me a lot with figuring out my feelings, and one of the fanfics actually dealed a lot with explanations about being gay. I'm so thankful that I found that book at the time, because it gave me a clear view of what I was going into. It said all the things that a confused teenager needs to hear, like, "God loves you just the way He made you", "You don't have to rush into labeling yourself", "Being gay doesn't define who you are, it's just one small part of you"... things like that. One of the characters in the book is Ryan. She is smart, kind, passionate, funny, strong... well, she's as perfect as a heroine could be, with a huge family who love and support each other unconditionally. I kinda take her as my mentor and I adopted her name, with the hope that I could be a woman like her.

I made peace with my God and my sexual orientation very much through the same way. I found another book, this one dealing with being gay and being religious. I was never a church-goer, but I was very religious back then. As much as I wanted to believe that God would love me just the way I am, my religion simply condemns it. The book helped me to see that there is a major difference between believing in God and believing in religion. When Melissa was confused about her sexuality, she went to church and asked her priest about it. She lived in a small town on the bible belt, yet it happened that the one priest answered her with, "There are probably some people in this church that would say that it's wrong for you to love another woman. That it's a sin. But I can't go along with them on that way of thinking. I can't believe that God would have invented a love that could be wrong." In my story, that translated into my religion teacher in high school. No, I didn't ask him right away if it's alright for me to be gay, but he taught me a lot about love. He taught me to think, to interpret the bible more than just the words written. Unlike the religion teacher I had in college, he asked us questions like, "Why do you think Jesus was born as a man and not a woman?" or "Where do you see God in your life?" Instead of teaching us that "God says this, you must do so", he asked, "Why do you think God says this? Why does He say this after He said that?" I went through a long journey of researching about God and gays after that and I've found my peace. I'm not as close to God as I was used to be, but that has nothing to do with my being gay. Truth is that I was closest to God when I was in love (with a woman), cause then I talked to Him more, wishing the best for her, hoping to get close to her, thanking Him for giving me a chance to meet her, etc.

Eight years and I still have no idea of what I should label myself. But now I know better. I don't know if I'm gay or bi or even straight, but I couldn't care less. I won't admire people just because they're gay. I won't support gay people who are jerks. I promise myself to prove that there are much more to me than my orientation.

Ps. To my friends who are in bad times right now, keep on believing that you deserve much more than that. It may not be today or tomorrow, but change will come and it'll set you free :D

You've never been to the moon but don't you wanna go
Under the sea in the volcano
You've never looked into my eyes but don't you wanna know
What the dark and the wild and the different know

There're some things in my life, I'll never understand
But they become the force that makes me who I am

Cause you live and you learn, and you learn to hold on
And time will make it heal, time will make it gone

Stupid Rantings

2009-12-28T19:18:00.002+07:00

If loving you is to suffer
then by your side I will stay
until it reaches your heart someday
You are the light that has guided me down this road, never to lose my way again
Make me your shadow so that anywhere you may go
I'll be there to protect you and I'll be there to hold you
Baby can't you see I may not be the best there is
I can only offer you my heart
and a vow for never be apart
You are the life I've been searching on forever
Somewhere to rest my mind
And a place to call home

The first two lines of this lyric is a plagiat from other song (even though it's in Japanese so technically it's not a plagiat, rite?). Well, either way it's one of my favorite song by me. Heh heh. And I'm just feeling like bragging. Haha. Kidding. Nah, it's because I remember about my 2nd love today because of a coincidence. The girl's initial is DN. Today a guest came to my station and she asked me for some help considering a gift to her client. She was pretty and she looked a bit like DN, so I noticed her right away. Then I asked her for her name, and damn, believe it or not her name was D. Later on, I asked her to whom the gift was given. The answer is to a woman named N. I couldn't help but grinning like an idiot the rest of the day. Well, it's more like a bittersweet smile than a grin, but I felt a little bit giddy from that coincidence. Part of what made me so much in love with DN in the past was the intriguing connection between us. We got sick at the same time (it wasn't flu season), there was a blackout the moment she walked into the room where I was, I talked to her in my mind and she actually did what I said (it was freaky to me, actually), heck, I met her on the first day of the turning point in my life! I'm a very romantic person, and honestly, all those coincidences would be great for a book or a movie. It felt like she was destined to be mine. Alas that's not the case. Life's not that easy, huh?

When I wrote the first verse of this song, she was the one who popped up in my head. I knew if I were a man, I'd have been the perfect man for her. I loved her first. I watched closely as she grew from a worm into a butterfly, but I'm the one who was in love with her when she was still a worm.

I'm still not giving up. I still believe in a happy ever after, I still believe in a love that lasts forever. I still want this: http://ryanverse.blogspot.com/2007/04/what-makes-family-family.html, as much as I wanted it two years ago. The only difference is that I used to say that I Want To Be In Love... now I know that I need a Fearless Love. Hihihi :D

Prophecy

2009-12-14T22:06:00.002+07:00

Well, not exactly a prophecy. More like fortune-telling. And I didn't ask, actually. She asked me about my birthdate and the exact time. When I told her, she told me that I'm still single because although lots of people like me, when I response to them, they will step back. The same thing happens with the people I like. When they finally response to me, I will lose interest to them.

I'm never one to really believe in fortune telling or prophecy, but when it holds some truth to my situation or my history, I'll remember it. In this case, I later figured that my birth-time was actually in pm, not am, so the fortune-telling is actually not correct, but strangely, I think this one is truer to my condition. I always believed that at a time, my first love was in love with me more than as a friend, but at that time I thought of her only as my best friend. I was smitten with some other girl. Then I slowly recognized her, beooming closer to her, and then, suddenly she ran away from me. Believe it or not, we turned from best friends to strangers in one-day time, with nothing important happened. We didn't have a fight, we didn't have an argument, she just suddenly pulled herself away from me and cause I was hurt, I gave her a cold shoulder too. Anyway, it did happen often. With my second crush, I did make a move, she wouldn't make a response. Then when she made the move, I was too scared to be hopeful. Also with the girl I met in Holland... she was perfect, but then we fell into that push-pull trap. Until now I never really know what she thinks of me. She was kind, so maybe she said it all out of kindness, but we ever had a kind of 'date'. Well, if you can call walking dogs together in a park as a 'date'. For me, it is. There were only her and me. We talked about everything at all. And she said she had a good time, that she liked it, and she extended the invitation. I have no idea why I never called her to the third 'date'. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was fate... but she remembered those times after almost one year with almost no contact. By then I was angry with her, though (for a different problem).

Well I have no idea if what is said is true or not, but I do realize that somehow, although I want love so much, I fear it. Don't ask me why, it's not like I've been dumped or anything. Maybe it's simply the fear of facing something new. I've never been in an official relationship, and as often as I said to myself that I could always bail out of a relationship that doesn't work, I look at a relationship as critically as I would a marriage. That's stupid, but that's the truth.

Oh well, reciprocated or not, being in love is fun. It inspires me to be a better person, it inspires me in writing songs, and it makes me feel alive. Right now I think I'd better be focused on my work. Actually it would be better to fall in love with someone at work this time around, coz I really hate that job, but there's no one at the moment that intrigues me. And you know what? It feels like Melissa could hear my prayer, she just released her single 'Fearless Love' for her fans club. I haven't heard the song, but really, her lyrics talk to me:

I want to live my life
Pursuing my happiness
I want a fearless love
I won't settle for anything less

A Gay(ish) Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T21:34:00.000+07:00

Actually, I've never really known the history of thanksgiving. (I know I can google it, but well, I don't care about its origin much.) But I know about being thankful, and maybe it's what got me through the hard times in my life. I'm thankful for lots of things everyday, but it's nice to have a special day to count my blessings.

The gayish thing is actually only accidentally, because these two days near thankgiving someone happened to mention something about gay people (and therefore reminds me of being gay). One was when a co-worker of mine pointed out that someone is gay. He just said it out of the blue and I really had no idea what brought it up. He reffered to the gay guy as 'sick', but when I told him jokingly (and sarcastically, as a matter of fact) that he shouldn't go near him so that he wouldn't be 'infected' by the 'sickness', my friend didn't look happy at all. I don't know if his stand on gay issues, but I think he's one of those people who thinks that gay people are crazy/sick, but it's okay to be friends with them. Today another co-worker of mine brought up the gay issue again when I mentioned that I was in the Netherlands last year. She said, "Oh, isn't that where gay marriages are legal?" Again, I didn't pursue the issue further so I don't know where she stands on the issue, but she doesn't add any disgusted commentary so I take that as a good sign. I would love to be out at work like some of my co-workers, but the fact that I work with a family member makes it impossible. I have no problem being out among strangers, but having to face my family... well, I haven't had enough motivation to do that. I have a massive numbers of families who loves to stuck their noses in other people's business, and it ain't fun, although sometimes it's useful.

Anyway, it's not a time to complain about things, it's time to be thankful. So here are the things and people I'm thankful for.

1. I'm thankful for my family, both the biological and the non-biological ones.
2. I'm thankful for my health both physically and mentally.
3. I'm thankful for my beautiful hometown which I love more than any other place on earth.
4. I'm thankful for my friends who bring joy into my life.
5. I'm thankful for Xena & Ryan who taught me to accept myself as I am and be proud of who I am.
6. I'm thankful for 22, my crush for four years who made me do things I never dreamed I could, and even though I didn't get her I got to improve myself to be who I am today.
7. I'm thankful for Melissa, who amazes me daily with her music and herself, and to remind me to always be strong, speak true, and spread the peace.
8. I'm thankful for Ellen, who brings laughter to my life when I needed it most, and still continue to make me laugh. I'm also thankful that she brings such a positive visibility to gay women everywhere.
9. I'm thankful for beautiful couples that I adore, for they give me hope that soulmates really do exist and that I could build a beautiful family with the woman of my dream.
10. I'm thankful for the ability to be thankful and content. I've seen successful people who were ambisious and always wanting more - yes, they are rich and famous and everything, but they're never satisfied and therefore they're never really happy.

Above all I think I have to give thanks for love, for being the force to defeat fear, for being the source of hope and peace, for being the roots of all that is good. Happy thanksgiving y'all!

Men in My Life

2009-10-16T20:33:00.000+07:00

Haha. Surprised by the title, huh?

It's at times like this that I really considering bisexuality. I have to admit, I've never really known my feelings towards men. All I know is that in the first 23 years of my life I've never really fallen in love with a guy. I know exactly that I have deep attraction and I connect excellently to women, but although I have some attraction to men, I never really connect with them emotionally. Sexually, I think I'm okay with both men and women, but I won't be able to be intimate with someone I don't love, so unless there's a man who can make me fall in love with him, it's not even a question. So, I'm gonna have to leave it to you whether to label me as a lesbian or a bisexual.

There are only two men whom I had feelings for early in my life, well, actually at that time they're just boys (and pretty boys at that). One in elementary school and one in junior high. And by pure coincidence I met both of them tonight. Nothing much, really. No sparks, no flirting, no anything. But it made me think back of the time when I thought I was in love with them. The one in elementary school wasn't much of a memory for me, and he was really more like a butch girl back then. But the one from junior high was probably the first person ever to be attracted to me. And we did have some history, however awkward it was. It wasn't until I fell hopelessly in love with a girl in senior high school that I understand the difference of loving someone and simply having a crush or admiring someone.

If I'm asked whether I'm bisexual or gay, I would probably say I'm gay. After all, there were only those two guys I remember in my life, while there would be about ten girls I've ever had a crush on, and I was really in love with three of them. But personally, I choose to not label myself. In the end, I would only end up with one person, rite? If that person is a woman, then it doesn't matter if I say I'm bi or gay, people would still call me a lesbian. If that person is a man then I'll be spared from the burden of coming out, though until now I have no idea if any man at all can make me fall in love with him, much less marrying him. Hh, I really have no idea why people always say that being gay is a choice. If it's a choice, of course I will happily choose to be straight. It's a hell lot easier!

My Choice

2009-07-28T13:27:00.001+07:00

I came out again, this time in a mass coming out. I don't like it. It wasn't in the coming out itself. I'm already comfortable enough in who I am that telling people some surprising fact about me isn't that big a deal. It's the process. Git used to be my best friend and this is actually not how I envisioned coming out to her. But this is not all about me - we wanted to do it as a group - so I played along and did it anyway. The thing is that it got so awkward because of bad timing (but if we waited any longer than we wouldn't be able to come out) and that Cae wasn't fully aware that we were going to come out that night. And boy, aren't they so clueless. Even after Zhou said, "I'm bi" they still hadn't had a clue. I think we should've just blurted out, "Hey, you know what? We're homosexuals." There. What I hate most about the process was the questioning. It allllllllllllways came after the coming out process. I have had 'the interview' more times than I did the coming out because I have that interview everytime I tell my friends that Melissa is gay. I can always tell the level of someone's open-mindedness just by the way they do 'the questioning'.

Anwyay, I read Zhou's blog today and it made me think of 'coming out' itself. I'm a firm believer in 'live and let live' concept, and coming out is a part of that for me. I would like to refer to a comment on that post about not forcing someone into coming out and the 'don't ask don't tell' concept. I hate the 'don't ask don't tell' concept, because, well, where's the freedom of speech in that? The 'don't ask' may prevent many of us from having to lie, but the 'don't tell' will cause me some suffocation. Like my stand in most political/controversial matters (i.e. abortion, polygamy, interracial/intercultural/interreligion marriage, sex before marriage, UU APP, etc), I'm highly pro choice. For me personally abortion is not a choice, I'd always suggest divorce before polygamy, and I won't wear bikini to a mall in a million years, but I'd like for everyone to have their choice, because not everyone think and feel like the way I do, right? So it's no surprise that I despise 'don't ask don't tell' in US military. But I highly agree in not forcing someone to come out. The only reason I was looking at Cae the way I did when we came out was because I thought he understood we were going to to mass coming out but he chickened out. Later I realized that wasn't the case. Anyway, until someone actually come out by themselves, I will assume nothing of them. Well, maybe only in my mind, but that's it. Even when I knew they're gay but they stated that they're straight in public, well it's their choice and it's not my place to ruin their stand. It's only if they're gay but posing as straight and then they do something to harm the gay community that I would do something with my knowledge.

For me coming out is one way to know my true friend. It's one of the blessings I've received for being gay. I don't intend to test their loyalty to me, but I can tell how much someone like or love me just by their actions after I come out to them. Granted, my experince is limited because I usually hit people with bullets before I actually dropped the bomb (aka, I usually drop hints before I actually come out), but eh, their reactions still vary. Some people treat me the same after I come out but they flinch everytime I talk about girls, some never bought it up again and told me that they will pray that I'll be healed, some expressed their disgust but continued to grill me about it in fascination, some responded to my coming out by coming out, and some couldn't believe I'm gay. D'oh. I hate the last response the most. When I decided to come out to someone I prepared myself for the worse, prepared myself anyhow they would react and even their leaving me. And then when I finally did, BAM, they wouldn't believe me. Gah. I've experienced that even as a Catholic. Some of my friends couldn't remember that I'm a Catholic because they said I looked more like a Buddhist. Gah again. I know I don't have tattoos or piercings, I can't hold my alcohol, I'm kinda shy and reserved in front of people I don't know, I have a curfew by 6 p.m, etc. In short, I don't look like a lesbian nor that I have the attitude of one. Hm... I wonder if I can actually be accepted in the lesbian community. It sucks a lot because I feel like an outsider in my circle of straight friends when they start talking about boys, yet when I finally find a community of 'outsiders', I also feel like an outsider. It's much like my 'Chinese-Indonesian' identity, in which Indonesian people say I'm Chinese and Chinese people say I'm Indonesian.

Then again there are some people who make me chant, "Come out, come out, come out wherever you are." I'm guilty for that, though well, I don't threat and I can't actually say it to their faces. It's the celebrities and the famous. Well tell me how many of you feel grateful for Martina, kd, Melissa, Indigo Girls, and Ellen during their time and maybe Jodie Foster, Lindsay, Rachel Maddow, Tegan and Sara nowadays? I don't know much about the gay boys but maybe for you it's Elton John, Neil Pattrick Harris, Clay Aiken, Adam Lambert and Dumby - oops - Dumbledore? Or maybe it's shows like Xena, QAF, and The L Word, South of Nowhere, which have massive gay followers? Either way, I'm thankful to US entertainment for giving me a sense of visibility, and much before that a feeling that I'm not alone. Looking at Ellen and Melissa give me the pride of being who I am, because they don't look like a lesbian either, do they? And Melissa gives me an insight of what I'd like my future family to be like. But it's still their choice too because they are the ones who will put their career on danger. I will admire any Indonesian celebrity who come out publicly, because it won't be only their career, it will be their lives too that they put on risk. Even Ellen, who is generally so lovable, received a death threat for that. And the gay community is so diverse you'll never satisfy the whole community. For some Ellen was their hero, but some other thought she wasn't gay enough and the other thought she was too gay. Now try to define that! Ha.

Anyway, I think coming out is important, for visibility as well as feeling accepted as a whole. Even now, when I talk to some of my friends I keep wondering if they would still like me if they know I'm gay. But I've made my decision years ago that I wouldn't deny who I am when asked bluntly but I also wouldn't shout it on top of the mountain. It's not because I'm ashamed of who I am, but because there is no straight people who has ever come out, is there? For me being gay is merely a part of me which is personal, and there is no use to flaunt it out without purpose. I think when I have a girlfriend I will be put out of the closet automatically anyway. Haha. Oh, and a bit of advice for baby dykes and other gay newbies out there: coming out is addictive, be sure you only take a healthy dossage of it. Coming out to the wrong people or at the wrong time can really drag your life down. But taken properly, it can help you be comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. Good luck and good for you, you're gay. ;D

God Help The Outcast

2009-07-07T00:38:00.002+07:00

I'll let the lyrics speak my mind. This is the OST of The Hunchback of Notredame, in case you don't know, and it is one of my favorite songs for alltime. Just change a few words and it's practically a gay hymne, but I love it even as it is.

I don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there
I don't know if you would listen to a gypsy's prayer
I know I'm just an outcast, I shouldn't speak to you
But still I look at your face and wonder, were you once an outcast too

God help the outcast, hungry from birth
Show them the mercy they don't find on earth
God help my people, we look to you still
God help the outcast, or nobody will

(I ask for gold, I ask for fame
I ask for glory to shine on my name
I ask for love I can possess
I ask for God and His angels to bless me)

I ask for nothing, I can get by
But I know so many less lucky than I
God help the outcast, the poor and downthrod
I thought we all were the children of God

Needlessly said, after this song I had quite a crush on Esmeralda for some time. :p

The Arrogant Kinda Love

2009-07-06T23:38:00.002+07:00

I'm a firm believer that love is never wrong. But there are actually lots of negative kinds of love, the kinds that can actually harm somebody else. Possesive love being the most common one, I think. In Indonesia, though, I think the arrogant kind of love is even more common.

I hate when people say to me, "I did it for your own good." or, "I'm only trying to do the best for you." For me that's so arrogant. Who can decide what's best for me but me? Many people around me do that occasionally, especially my parents and their siblings, although there is this one person who does that to me too many times that she became a kind of terrorist in my life. I know my parents and my families love me so much and they care about my well-being, and that's why they try to lead me to the 'right' way. I know sometimes love can be so blind that they cannot see how unhappy I become once I follow their paths. I would try to tell them, explain to them about my unhappiness, and most of the times my parents and families would listen. Except for that one particular person.

My cases aren't so extreme. I think most people would understand my confusion because most parents do that to their children. Mostly it's about having to get good grades at school, or choosing subject of study, or even choosing friends. I'm not a parent yet, but I can imagine how tiring it is to take care of children's well-being, to shape their characters to the best possible, to teach them manners and morals, etc. I can understand how busy they are with trying to give their children the best that they forget to ask what their children actually need or want. I can understand that no matter how mature I feel about myself, to my parents I'll always be a little girl. The only way I know how to solve that problem is by communicating how I feel to my parents. Some people are willing to listen. But some others are just plain deaf to anybody else's reasoning.

Some extreme cases can be found in the gay community. There are parents who send their children directly to a doctor after finding out that they're gay, or worse yet, to radical churches or 'pesantren' who claim that they can 'heal' homosexuality. Those parents don't realize, they just fed their children to the devil himself. The worst case I know happens in South Africa, where parents and families agree or even help with 'corrective rape' to heal their daughters or sisters from lesbianism. I have no idea how they felt as their parents and families' "We do this because we love you" speeches.

I, too, don't know what to do with this love-hate-guilt feeling. How am I suppossed to react to that kind of love, actually? I know she loves me to death and I know how much I hurt her by practically cutting all contacts with her. There is so much guilt I felt later, but I really don't know what to do. I despise people who think that their way is the best way. I despise it more when those people try to force their way to me. But what am I suppossed to do when they say that they do it in the name of love?

Poop Study

2009-06-07T09:43:00.004+07:00

I've just received a certificate from a poop expert that I am well versed in eating (and pooping) habits of zebra, giraffe, and ostrich. Oh the wonder of internet. Lol. (http://whopooped.org)

A New Lesson

2009-06-07T08:15:00.002+07:00

You know I've always believed in Melissa's saying that the universe listens, right? I've even experienced that on my own, several times indeed. But I've tried several times trying to really focus my mind on something, really trying to believe that something good will happen, and it doesn't happen. Like my wish of seeing Melissa in a concert this year. Melissa (and millions of other gay people all around the world) also didn't get our wish of the failing of Prop. 8. Prop. 8 passed and then it was declared constitutional. Great.

You know what? I think the universe takes time in fullfilling wishes. I think it listens very carefully to each wishes. I think it watches your every step, whether you're really trying to make that wish come true or not. It watches over your efforts, your trials and errors. Sometimes it may seem like a coincidence, but when you trace it back to the past, it was your choices that shapes your condition today, wasn't it? 'The universe listens' doesn't mean that if you say, "I'm gonna win a lottery tomorrow" it would happen just like that. If you really win I'll say it's more of some damn good luck than the work of the universe. Lol.

I'm not giving up my dreams. There's not a second of doubt in my mind that I'm going to Melissa's concert someday, maybe even when gay marriage is legal in USA and maybe I'm able to bring my soulmate there with me, too. :D

Similar Features (Plus Some Rantings)

2009-05-17T06:19:00.003+07:00

Ssst... Ryan has a crush on someone new. Heheh. Okay, to say it's a crush is still too soon. Besides, only in one month I have to leave this country, I can't bear having my first relationship as a long-distanced one. And she's only 16, which means that... dang it, she's not an adult yet! Plus, in that age, you may not discover your sexuality just yet, right? Still experimenting and all.

Well, anyway, I'm so embarassed about this that I have to write this in my own language. I don't want her to be able to read this, and I don't want another Melissa fans to be able to read this. Gah. Okay, then, my first post in Indonesian. Here goes.

Hari-hari menjelang kepulangan ini, aku makin suntuk. Di pekerjaan, dimanfaatin habis-habisan sama bos, karena mereka tahu kerjaku cepat, disuruhlah bantu sana-sini. Benernya nggak mau, tapi karena udah capek dan males berdebat, akhirnya kukerjain juga. Dalam ngerjain skripsi, dimanfaatin habis-habisan sama partner. Sapa pernah ngerjain skripsi? Pasti tahu kan beratnya? Bayangin tiap hari kerja dari jam 2 sore, kadang2 dari jam 12, baru pulang jam 11 ato 12 malam, trus dikejar-kejar deadline skripsi. Dan sekarang aku bisa menyatakan satu hal yang udah pasti: skripsi "kami" adalah hasil kerjaku sendiri. Sumbangan dia cuma copy-paste literatur doang. Kuesioner, analisis dan sebagainya, semua hasil kerjaku. Sakit hati nggak sih? Tapi ya udah, daripada nggak lulus. Sudah gitu, orang ini adalah orang paling licik yang pernah kutemui. Dia orang yang cuma mendengarkan 'kebenaran' dirinya sendiri. Contoh: kami punya uang overtime dan itu tiap hari kami catat. Baru hari ini dia bilang sama aku, selama ini, kalau misalnya dia merasa kerja berat tapi selesai cepat (artinya uang OTnya sedikit), dia palsu jam selesai kerjanya. Astaga, nggak heran selama ini OT dia besar terus. Itulah kebenaran dirinya sendiri. Nyatanya kalau misalnya hari itu dia nggak ngapa-ngapain tapi selesai malam, mana mau dia nulis dia selesai pagi? Dalam kerja pun dia seenaknya begitu, dan karena kedudukan kami sama, otomatis salahnya dia jadi bebanku di hari berikutnya. Pokoknya singkat cerita, hari-hari ini kerasa nggak enak melulu, banyak orang stress di kerjaan dan mereka jadi gampang marah juga.

Nah, di tengah-tengah kekacauan itu (:D) muncullah seorang pekerja paruh waktu baru. Pertama kali liat dia, aku kaget setengah mati, soalnya begitu dia tersenyum, MIRIP BANGET SAMA MELISSA!!! Ooops. Dang. Yah sejak saat itu aku dapet tempat cuci mata. Hehe... Baru kedapatan kerja bareng dia sabtu lalu, dan untuk ukuran anak baru kerjanya lumayan. Udah gitu dia lucu banget, ada yang nggak tahu dia nggak tanya, tapi dibikin dengan kreativitasnya sendiri. Pas aku nemu hasil kerjanya, aku ngakak habis. Sebel sih harus bongkar lagi, tapi lucu, soalnya kreatif. Hari senin eh, ketemu dia lagi. Aku dibikin terkagum-kagum sama keberaniannya. Baru sekali diajarin, tahu-tahu dia sudah menawarkan diri untuk nyoba, dan kebetulan ketemu kasus yang sulit, tapi dia tetep keliatan profesional dan pe-de banget di depan tamu. Busyet. Nggak kelihatan banget baru 16 tahun! Itulah awalnya aku bener-bener tertarik sama dia lebih dari sekadar kemiripannya dengan Melissa.

Yah, ini crush yang nggak ada arahnya, sih. Seperti yang kubilang, dia baru 16 tahun, dan sebulan lagi aku harus pulang. Dia juga tipe orang yg populer (di fotonya malah ada yg keliatannya dia jadi homecoming queen ato sejenisnya). Tapi kehadirannya bikin aku semangat lagi, di hari-hari suntuk gini. Hihihi.

Ada satu kekhawatiran baru muncul, nih. Kemarin aku baru nemu ada group band Jerman yang meng-cover lagu-lagunya Melissa. Penyanyinya cewek mirip banget sama Melissa, bawa gitar Ovation 12-string-nya Melissa, dan nyanyi lagu-lagunya Melissa! Waduh... aku langsung senyum-senyum sendiri lihat websitenya. Ini nih gawatnya! Kenapa semua cewek yang bikin aku tertarik akhir-akhir ini semua ada miripnya sama Melissa? Dan lebih gawat lagi, begitu aku bandingin sama Melissa yang asli langsung buyar deh ketertarikanku (kecuali cewek 16 tahun itu). Gawat, gawat, kok kayaknya aku secara otomatis sekarang membandingkan semua cewek dengan Melissa. Nggak lucu kalau ntar aku jadian sama copy-annya Melissa!

Anyway, selama aku tadi kerja sambil ngeliatin dia, terbayang salah satu lagunya Melissa, 'Similar Features'. Asem, aku malah merasa digoda sama Melissa. Dengerin nih liriknya:

Go on and close your eyes, go on imagine me there
She's got similar features with longer hair
If that's what it takes to get you through
Go on and close your eyes, it shouldn't bother you

Hiks... aku langsung merasa tersindir. :(

What's In A Name?

2009-05-14T04:54:00.002+07:00

It's been so long since I actually examine my name. I've held some self-made interpretation about my name since I was little, and I actually do have a lot of names. I'm a Chinese-Indonesian so I have Chinese name and Indonesian name. My father actually mis-named me in Chinese so I have two Chinese name. My Indonesian name is hard to be pronounced by people from other countries (I was traumatized by the way it was pronounced in an international airport when I was little and ever since then I'd been looking for an 'international name' for me to use) - and now I have an 'international name'. When I was a kid I played with my sister a lot about a made-up world in which I was the king, and I had a name as the king (and I also gave a name to my sister in that world (she was the prince) which she still uses until now). I had some nick-names in elementary school but it never became really famous. But in junior high school I did get a nick name that got so famous that most of my high school friend actually forgot my name and remembered that nickname. Oh yeah, I also have a name in the group of friends I had when I was in elementary school - I took some famous people names and twisted them a bit. I actually have no name for being in the gay community - maybe only Ryan, but that's actually my real name, kind of.

From all of those names, anyway, I have three favorite names. The first one is one of my Chinese names, the second one is my Indonesian name, and the third one is my international name. I have no real story for my international name, just that it was taken from a woman I considered as the mentor in my life, the woman who actually helped me realized that I'm gay and it's okay. Sometimes I actually also put the first and second name of my international name together and create an international nickname. Confused yet? Hehe.

So, I like my Chinese name, the actually 'wrong' name because I could interpret it to fit me best. The first word, my family name, means clarity of mind and it can be interpreted as smart. I know many people are smarter than me, but I think I have that clarity of mind, in the meaning that when there is a complicated case, I can understand many points of view that I can see the right from wrong or in between. Sometimes I like it because I can understand the case completely and be the moderator or negotiator. The only reason I don't like it is just that to other people it would seem that I couldn't take a stand or make a decision.

The second word of my Chinese name actually means rainbow. Another sign, huh? The LGBT flag. I like it, though. In many myths, rainbow means the gateway between heaven and earth. In the bible, rainbow means the reconciliation between God and humanity. I like the rainbow because there are many colors there, like there are many personalities in me. Like you can't say that the rainbow color is red or blue or purple, you also can't say I'm simply lazy or dilligent or even in between. Even one of my friends ever said something to me akin to "You're not black, you're not white, and you're not even grey." Lately I've been thinking that way too about my sexuality. Heh.

The last word of my Chinese name consists of three suns. I mean, the character is made of three characters of sun. An elderly person ever said to me that means that I'm so bright (in the means of aura). I don't feel that I have a particularly bright aura, though. I'm not what you think as a happy-go-lucky person. I actually get mad as easily as Donald Duck (who shares my birthday). I'm also very good at being invisible. I can be there in one gathering or party and having people not noticing that I was there at all. I interpret that character more in the meaning, crystal. It's about honesty to me. I learn about truth and honesty from Melissa, but even before that I've never been good at lying. The guilt always chokes me afterwards. I'm not so stupidly honest, but sometimes I'm painfully honest. The more it scares me to be honest, the more I push myself to let it out. The very least I can do is being truthful to myself. I can keep that as a secret from other people, but I will never deny a truth to myself. I actually googled the meaning of a crystal, and is said: wisdom, cleansing, healing, pureness of heart, intention, positive thoughts, harmony and love. Well, of course I'm not all that good, but it's what I aim to have, so it's not bad at all, isn't it?

I like my Indonesian name because it transcends ethnicity and it transcends religion. That's all I can say, but it warms my heart that I have such special parents who don't fear naming me with a name of other ethnicity and religion than their own, even though the story of my naming always makes people laugh.

Anyway, I don't care the saying that your name affects who you are. I'd rather believe that it's the way you interpret your name that will affect who you are. I believe that you can decide who you are going to be, and maybe this is one of the ways. The philosophy and beliefs you take from your name will affect the way you view yourself and later it will affect the way you carry yourself in front of other people, and then it just becomes who you are. Besides, the hopes and well-wishes from your parents (or the people who gave you that name) when they decided to give you that name are always worth cherishing, right?

Congratulation to Myself

2009-05-12T09:01:00.002+07:00

The Afterellen Hot 100 is finally out!!!! Yay! While reading the list, I felt a mixture of giddiness and anxiety, and right now I feel a mixture of regret, victoriousness, respect, happiness, and a little bit anger. I'll explain the anger bit first. Afterellen changed their policy in voting for the main Hot 100 and the additional lists. I felt a little bit ripped off because I voted the same women for the lists. Gah, if only I knew that, I would have been able to vote for more women!

Okay, this is how I fare:
Hot 100 list: 9 out of 10 of the women I voted for made the list.
#1: Portia DeRossi (quite a surprise, really)
#3: Lena Headey (you get what you asked for, she asked for this, she got it! Yay!)
#6: Rachel Maddow (I'm surprised also that she's not higher)
#7: Tina Fey (I wanna know her reaction on this. Heheh)
#10: Gro Hammerseng (I'm surprised too on this one, but happily, coz she's only #82 last year, and it's not like she is in big news this year)
#15: Ellen DeGeneres (that makes her #2 hottest women over 40! Yay!!!)
#24: Lisa Ray (Yay! I figured she'd make the list somewhere but I didn't think it'd be this high)
#27: Lucy Lawless (Figured. As long as there are lesbian Xenites, she'll always make the list)
#39: Jodie Foster (Aw! It almost phisically hurts to drop like that.)

In Hottest Out Women, I didn't win the list other than Ellen, Rachel, and Gro who already made the list in Hot 100. But in Hottest Over 40, I got a surprise! Melissa made it!!! Finally! I literally pulled a fist and whispered "YES!" when I read it (I could only whisper because my roommate is sleeping).

Anyway, just go to www.afterellen.com to see the whole list. If you like smart, funny, strong, beautiful women, you'll enjoy the list. I don't normally like hot-list anywhere, but this one is different.

The women I would've voted for but didn't, also made it on their own:
Jennifer Beals, #2 in Hottest, #1 in Hottest women of color, #1 in Hottest over 40
Anne Hathaway
Michelle Obama
Katja Nyberg (Nothing makes me happier like both parts of one of my favorite couples to win a place in hottest contest - I know what that sounds like, but it's true)
Queen Latifah
Meryl Streep
Sandra Bullock
Jane Lynch

Choice

2009-05-08T06:06:00.008+07:00

I had a day off today, and just because I've never been there before, I went to Utrecht. The most famous building in that city, I think, is the church. It is very beautiful, indeed. It looks a bit like The Notre Dame Cathedral. This is what it looks like:

(photo credit's not by me)

I talked a bit with one of the church's staff inside. He explained that the building actually consisted of a tower (in the front), and behind the tower was the symetrical building of the church. But then a tornado swept of half of the middle part of the church, so that now it becomes a tower, a field, and the existing half of the church that has been renovated. In between the tower and the church there's this statue.

I have yet to know what it means. Today there are lots of flowers there, I guess it's because May 5th was Holland's independence day. But my eyes, actually, happened to read this on the floor in front of the statue:

I have just google-translated the horizontal words. The translation is like this: "... and other 17 men were convicted in Utrecht and strangled. Their deeds left." The '...' is a name of a person and above it there's a word sodomy and on the upper top there's a date. I don't have any idea what happened and this time the internet doesn't help much. But I do understand the vertical words, and it touches me deeply. It says, "Vandaag, homoseksualiteit mannen and vrouwen kiezen in vrijheid." In English it is, "Today, the homosexual men and women choose in freedom." I guess the complete memorial would mean that some years ago 18 guys were convicted because they were gay, but today, gay men and women can choose freely.

Choose freely, huh? I don't know about that. We have choices, but limited and sone involves lying or cheating or doing something illegally. Even in Netherlands - the country with most freedom in the world, where drugs and prostitutions are legal, where gays can marry and heterosexual couples can live together without getting married but still have almost all the rights of married couples - they still make a chanting of 'All Germany are homos' because they hate German people. Anyway, back to the topic. Like I said, our choices may not be many, but we have choices. We are gay, that's not a choice. But whether we want to admit it to ourselves or to deny it till our last breath, that's a choice. Whether we want to come out or not, that's a choice. Whether we want to get married to someone we don't love or not, that's a choice. Whether we will cheat on that someone or not, that's a choice.

Me? From a long time ago I've decided that I'd rather not marry all my life than having to marry someone I don't love. From the day I started to know Xena I chose to follow love. From the day I came out to myself I decided that I wouldn't let my 'gayness' be whole of me. From the time I started to know Melissa I've chose to follow her path of truthfulness. It's really like a phrase in Melissa's song, "I made every choice along the way, each day I spent in hell I chose to stay." And it's quite a coincidence that today I read her wife's blog talking about the same thing (actually, though, I wrote this a few weeks ago and saved it, and I remembered this post while reading Tammy's blog). I choose to be true to myself, that's all I'm saying. That truth may change from day to day, but I choose truth over consistency. My being gay is not a choice, I believe I was born that way, but it was my choice to accept it humbly, it was my choice to come out to my friends, it was my choice to have pride and dignity in being who I am. And I wouldn't change a thing.

Map of The Stars

2009-04-22T08:16:00.002+07:00

I've just heard about this amazing woman from Sid, and I checked her out on youtube. This reminds me once again to Melissa's 'Map of The Star' and my roommate's constant ignorant comments about women who are over 40, women who are fat, and women who are not pretty in traditional way. I understand most people are like her, and I have to blame them. I mean, I was that way too, maybe that's the way society tried to push on us, but it is our own choice to follow that way or not. I refuse to judge people before giving them a chance to prove themselves first. I don't naturally act that way. I have to kick myself for judging. Well, it's kinda like this: when you see an unusual person, let's say a tiny girl who is sweet-looking, and she is being placed as a commander of a security team. Most people will smirk and maybe even go to the length to protesting the absurd placement. I will at first think, "What?! How can a tiny girl like that being in command of a security team?" But then I'll kick myself and think, "Well okay, let's see first what she can do." When I decide that I will see what I can do, it means that during that 'trial' time, I will follow her command wholeheartedly and unjudgingly, whereas during that time maybe lots of the members of that security team will ignore her commands just to show how pissed they are with the placement. You see, I'm not an angel who can be purely unjudging. I judge, too. But I trained myself to stop judging before I give them a chance.

That's the lesson from the video, and I think it's a very important lesson to learn, but it is number two in the reasons as to why I cry everytime I watch the video (already four times now). The main reason is that I'm grateful that she finally makes her dream come true. She said she's never been given the chance to prove herself, and I'm so, so happy for her that she hits it huge with this one chance she's given. Her voice is amazing too, by the way, just the way I like it. Not too high, strong, and loud. Okay, here's the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY. Enjoy.

The discovery of her actually started a discussion between me and Sid, and that discussion reminded me of this song. About how fame affects people, about how society's standard of beauty ruins lives. This song tells a story in a circle, where the end is the beginning. I looooooove it.

All the people in your hometown
When you were just a kid
Said that you were pretty, like in the magazine
And so you left your hometown
To try out for the part
There everybody's pretty little angels with a pretty little heart

You studied hard, the map of the stars
All because you wanted, yeah, you really wanted
Every night you wanted to be
One of the little angels that flies between the stars
One of the little angels in the pretty little cars

So you eat a little less
And you smoke a little more
Waiting in the lines for them to open up the door
For all the little angels

So you got yourself an agent
You made a little deal
They got you on the TV, everyone agreed you had the charm and the appeal
So you bought yourself a house in the Hollywood hills
You bought yourself a tan
Fixed your nose and hair, learned how not to care
Got a pretty little man

You landed hard on the map of the stars
Ah, where everybody wants you,
Oh, they really want you, everynight they want you to be
One of the little angels that flies between the stars
One of the little angels in the pretty little cars

So you eat a little less, and you drink a little more
Waiting in your room for them to open up a door
For all the little angels

Alright, now you drink a little more
Your family's talking to the press
And the movie didn't score
So you eat a little less, just a little little less

All the people on the street now, they're getting kinda mean
They read about your breakup in the magazines
And somewhere in your hometown
A girl tries out her best
Maybe she'll go far, she wants to be a star
So she eats a little less

:D

Oops, I Did It Again

2009-04-21T07:56:00.004+07:00

Yup, I forgot several names to vote for in the Hot 100 and the other two hots - like I did last year. Well, I know it's virtually impossible to put in all the names I think deserved to be voted for, plus there are some names I'm 100% sure will be in the list anyway, but I feel bad about it. So as my penitence I'll just make a list of the women I forgot to vote for.

Ps. If you have to know, well, it's just my excuse to oggle more beautiful women. :D I'm quite proud of myself for this.

Ps #2: Considering I'm making this 3.15 in the morning, I'll just add whoever in my thougt first and add some more tomorrow or the day after. =D

1. Jennifer Beals

Before you take out my gay ID card for forgetting her, let me tell you that I did NOT forget her. Of course not, she's practically my idea of a perfect woman. I just thought that she would be up there in the list anyway so I voted for some other less popular names instead. But I think I need to droll over her for a little bit here.

I'm the kind of girl who won't care if you're gay or not, if you don't have qualities, I won't like you. Jennifer Beals is not gay but she constantly speaks up for us, and she has shown no less than dedication for the six seasons of The L Word. She is perfectly gorgeous, she is so damned patient and kind to people (I have proofs for that, believe me), she is down to earth and gracious, and she is very professional at what she does (I always find that very, very sexy). Together with Lauren Holloman, her potrayal of Bette Potter showed me a glimpse of how a lesbian marriage could be even before I know Melissa (that was the beginning of season 1. In my Ryanverse, Bette never cheats on Tina). Quite a coincidence, she shares birthday with the second woman I've ever loved. Hehe... maybe that's just the type I'm attracted to? (Damn, I always told myself to aim shorter!!!)

2. Jane Lynch

Damn I really forgot about her - two years in a row!! But that actually suits her job. I mean, she's the master of being 'invicible'. She's been in more movies and tv series than any other actresses I can remember. I've remembered her face even before I know her name and that she's gay, though. Maybe that's because she always steals the scene no matter how small a role she plays? She's really funny, too, and that's always sexy. In real life too. I've watched several interviews of her and she's smartly funny. Besides, who else in Hollywood would eat with such an adorable face?

To be continued...

Serving In Silence

2009-04-20T08:58:00.002+07:00

"This has been a crossroads for me, whether to back down or to stand up for what I truly believe is my right as a human being. That my career, my abilities, my contributions, have nothing to do with my sexual orientation. Throughout the world, the only way change can be made is by someone stepping forth and exposing themselves so that people become aware that there are differences and that that's okay. So I choose to be here, to sit before you and my family, and be vulnerable, in the hopes that I can be a little bit of influence in making a change, in allowing us to serve as we have done in the past and will continue to do in the future."

I've always had some general respect towards people who serve in the military. It's more than just the uniform, it's the knowledge that they are the people who give up their freedom to protect their country and their people. Of course that's only speaking in general. I don't know anything about the military and I won't pretend I do.

I do believe in the integrity and good intention of Colonel Margarethe Cammermeyer, though, when she admitted of being a lesbian in a routine security clearance interview. She had been serving for 26 years before that interview. She was a great soldier and had contributed a lot for her oountry. But in 1989 she was discharged from the military for being gay. The quote above was her testimony at her hearing. She was offered to resign quietly, but she refused and instead, she sued the army. Granted, I only watched the movie, "Serving in Silence" (starring Glenn Close and Judy Davis), but these words inspired me once again as 'Milk' did: "Throughout the world, the only way change can be made is by someone stepping forth and exposing themselves so that people become aware that there are differences and that that's okay." Ain't that true. I admire her honesty and I admire her courage to be the one to step forth and expose herself.

Colonel Margarethe Cammermeyer is reinstated in the army in 1994 after a long court battle and she served a total of 31.5 years before her retirement in 1997. She retired with full military previleges.

"People ask, who are we? We are their daughters, their sisters, their sons, their nurses, their mechanics, their athletes, their police. We're your doctors, your fathers, your politicians, your soldiers, your mothers, your friends. We live with you, care for you, help you, protect you, teach you, love you, and need you. All we ask is that you let us."

THE List

2009-04-12T09:28:00.010+07:00

Okay, now it's time again to vote on Afterellen Hot 100. I've never been this excited voting on beautiful women, just because this time I know most of my favorites will win. Last year I voted for 10 women, and 8 of them made the top 20 in that list. That will never happen with the regular 'Hot Women' list in other places. Well, even last year I knew some of my picks wouldn't make the list, like Melissa and Emma Thompson (they're just not in the top of your mind when you're thinking about hotness, anyway. But I love them). But if a 'dorky hot' like Tina Fey can be the hottest woman on earth in Afterellen version (she's on my list too, by the way), then I'll be happy to participate this year too. In fact, I cannot wait till the announcement. And this year they have some side lists, too: 10 Hottest Women of Color, 10 Hottest Out Women, and 10 Hottest Women Over 40. I love these lists soooo much!!!!

Well, I didn't vote for 10 Hottest Women of Color just because I'm not sure what 'women of color' means. Is it only for black women or any other races, and is a mix like Jennifer Beals counts. Well I like Queen Latifah and Wanda Skykes, and in Asia movies I have Michelle Yeoh, etc, but I just don't feel like voting for this list this year. I'll just see at the result later, maybe they'll give me ideas for next year.

So, there are two women for whom I voted for all three categories. There should be three, but for some reason I forget to enter Jodie Foster into my nomination of Hottest Out Women (no pun intended).

1. Melissa Etheridge

D'oh. What do you think? She's absolutely the hottest woman I've ever seen. I just don't care if she makes the list or not (she didn't make the list last year), this is my truth. I voted for her in those three categories, cause she's hot, she's over 40, and hell yeah, she's OUT!

2. Ellen DeGeneres

Again, d'oh. She's hot, simply because funny is hot. And she's so hot for women over 50 (hell yeah, my friends won't believe me when I said she is indeed, OVER 50), and she's practically the most famous lesbian ever. I have no doubt that she'll make the hot list this year too, and very possibly for women over 40, and maybe also the out women too. This woman can do absolutely everything. Besides, who else can dance like this when they're 51?!

Besides these two amazing women, there are several women whom I voted for in two categories:

1. Jodie Foster

Uhm. I believe that the Hot 100 list won't be complete without Jodie. She's the ultimate example of lesbian hotness. Look, check. Strength, check. Brain, check. Attitude, damn, she's got plenty of it. Heh heh. I voted for her in the hot 100 and in the women over 40 category. Just because I forgot about her when I filled in the out women list. Oops.

2. Rachel Maddow

If you ask me who I think will win the hot 100 this year, I think it will be her. Well, it's just what I think, let's see the result later. But heck, it's either love her or hate her with Maddow. She makes nerdy become trendy, and I love how she has so much fun and pours her heart out on every issue she covers. For that only, she gets my vote in hot 100 and hottest out women. Oh, and by the way, I like the more feminime look she has on TV, but dang, I absolutely love those glasses.

3. Gro Hammerseng

I don't know how or why, but she stole my heart somewhere during this year. I don't even remember how it started. What I know is that suddenly I can't take my eyes off of her. Aargh. So I put her in my list of hot 100 and hottest out women. Besides, who can not melt while being looked at with such love and adoration?

Ookay. Now for the rest of my Hot 100 nominations are:
1. Lucy Lawless

Okay, I still think her Xena look is the hottest, but dang, Lucy has her own attitude that makes her also hot on her own.

2. Lena Headey

Terminator? What terminator? Isn't she the hot florist down the street?

3. Tina Fey

Funny is sexy. Dorky is sexy. Funny dork? Even sexier.

4. Portia DeRossi

Okay, I'm guilty. Before this year, I only think of her as a hot barbie who happens to be Ellen's wife, although my logic said that if Ellen loves her, there has to be something more in her than just her look. But there's almost nothing I could use to judge her with. Until this t-shirt. Dang, she's hot. Lol, seriously, though, I watched her on Ellen and I watched clips of 'Better Off Ted' and I started to envy Ellen - just a bit. Heh heh.

5. Lisa Ray

I don't know why... I saw her in 'I Can't Think Straight', and damn, she looked like the mix between Angelina Jolie and my second crush... who am I to resist the temptation? :D

Dang. I've just figured making this list on 5 am isn't a good idea. Now it's already 6 am. Okay, on to my out women list.

Cathy DeBuono

Don't kill me, Sid, but I think she looks like a gay version of Git, maybe not so much in this picture, but... I swear there's something about her that is so much like Git. Fortunatelly, the hotness I find in her has nothing to do with her likeness with Git. Haha.

Finally! The hottest women over 40 list:

1. Emma Thompson

She is one of the most lady-like persona I've ever seen in Hollywood. She's charming, funny, an undeniably talented actress, and her honest attitude only adds more to her hotness. Besides, who else could make Prof. Trelawney become so memorable?

2. Glenn Close

I have to admit, I've only watched one of her movies... well, three, if you count 101 and 102 Dalmatians, but I absolutely hated her character and I almost don't remember her performance because I was too little to understand acting. Anyway, I loooove her in 'Serving in Silence'. She brought such dignity, honor, and purity to the character, and she was one of the firsts in my mind when I came to this list.

Okay, so let's see how many I got this year. Haha. Right now I've gotta sleep. I only have 5 more hours before I've gotta wake up! Gezzz.

I Love Adam Lambert

2009-03-31T07:12:00.002+07:00

Not as much as I love Melissa, period. But from the first time I saw him, I was in love with his voice and his performance. No, not in American Idol this year. In Ten Commandments: The Musical. Actually all of the performers in that movie stole my heart. They all have beautiful voices, and because they are actors and actresses, they match every little body movement with every little change of note. It was brilliant. This guy has been trained in that world, and although he has to adjust into a different world of music, it wouldn't be so hard for him. I've seen several videos of him in youtube, and damn, he is brilliant. The way he expresses the lyrics and the way he controls the voice that comes out of his body, the way he rules the stage and interracts with the audience. I felt like I was watching his concert, not a competition (Paula Abdul commented exactly like this too!). He was already a professional, his level is so much higher than most of the contestants. That is undeniable.

I first learned his name from Ellen. She liked him a lot and talked about it constantly on her show. Out of curiosity, I checked him out on youtube, and he seemed familiar. Dang! There was a video suggestion of 'Is Anybody Listening (Adam Lambert)' on the right side of my screen. Holy shit. He was that teenager from Ten Commandments!

Anyway, looking at him on American Idol makes me wonder how it'd be if Melissa was only in her 20s or early 30s these days. She is way under-credited. She has such a magnificent performer, and yet she is never really 'famous'. A week of adoration and fame here and there, but never really 'in'. I wonder why that was. Anybody who has every seen her live show would leave with at least a complete understanding why their friend adores Melissa so much. I'm proud to say, though, that even though there is only a 'small' number of Melissa fans, a huge percentage of them are devoted to the core, and some have been a fan since her debut album. Melissa is right, she has the coolest group of fans in the world. Her fans don't just follow her and everything she says like puppies. They can think for themselves, and they often offer some respectful critics for Melissa. I actually agree with 98% of everything she does, and the other 2% is her personal matters, so I never critisize her this far. There is one girl I know who doesn't like Melissa just because she's gay and not young and pretty, but to hell with people like her. She didn't like Beyonce before but now she likes her because Beyonce is prettier. D'oh. Who needs a fan like that? Don't let me even start on the standard of beauty. It is such a fake, stupid thing and it's even more ridiculous when said by women. Beauty is not only on the outside. Melissa is not as 'sexy' as Britney Spears anymore, but she's still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. My suggestion is to look at Afterellen.com's Hot 100 if you're looking for beautiful women, because it's the only list I know that judges women based on more than their sex appeal. In that list, 'hot' means beautiful, strong, smart, wise, and funny.

Gah, I've wandered too far from the main topic again. I should write for one of Ellen's stand up comedy. She has the same style, circling around from the main topic and to a topic that totally unrelated with the first one. In the end, though, she'll come back to the first topic before making the main conclusion. It's brilliant. Now I don't have time to continue writing until I come back to the Lambert discussion, so I'd better end it now. Hehe. Goodnight!

Another Melissa Adoration 3

2009-03-23T11:52:00.003+07:00

Okay, so two posts aren't enough. Just one more for today, please. :D

When I think of how you know me, no doubts no thinking twice
When your smile can be so soothing, a familiar paradise
When there's no one else that makes me whole
I am never needing more
I get this feeling
That I have loved you before

Were we lovers in an army, marching off for Rome
Side by side in the battle, did we bravely leave our home
Did I hold you in my arms, as you were taking your last breath
Did I shout to all the gods, I would love you beyond death
Or more,
I swear I've loved you before

Did we hide in the dark ages, from a vengeful God above
our names are too unfamiliar to ever speak of love
Did I cling to every moment with you, every parting glance
An accidental touch, did we ever take the chance for more
I know I've loved you before

Have I wandered through the desert
Have I looked to the north star
Have I rode the days and nights on rails to get back where you are
And everytime I found you, it's your eyes, I know for sure

When I think of how you know me, no doubts no thinking twice
When your smile can be so soothing, a familiar paradise
When there's no one else that makes me whole, I am never wanting more
I get this feeling, I know I've loved you before

This is not the Melissa who wrote 'Like The Way I Do', 'Bring Me Some Water', 'Enough of Me', or 'Come To My Window'. This is almost like a song written by someone else completely different. She was like a wanderer in the game of love. She moved from woman to woman, from heartbreaks to heartbreaks. The closest to a content love song she's ever written before Tammy is 'Sleep', and even that is more like being tired of wandering and seeing a comfortable shelter, which is not perfect, but good enough to rest in. But the shelter is not strong enough, it needed much work even just to hold itself up. When the storm stroke down, it crumbled. This song is like being written finally from a real 'home', with a strong foundation, with a warm atmosphere, with a sense of safety and contentness that it will last forever. Even the melody reflects it. In 'Sleep' it sounds so tired. This song sounds so relaxed it's almost lazy. That's how you're supposed to feel when you're home, right?

Okay, back to the lyrics. I'm one of the firm believer that Melissa watched Xena. Hehe. When I found out that Lucy is a fan of Melissa, I went giddy, but when I first listened to the words in this song especially the second verse, I went ecstatic. I know she writes from her own experience, but who's to say that Xena's not one of them? It's a TV show afterall. And it's not like she's writing about Xena and Gabrielle. She wrote about her own love story but with a Xena-ish reference. I believed that the lyric is 'Did I shout to all the gods' from the very start, while some other fans believed it was 'Did I shout to all the guards'. Anyway, this song also makes a beautiful tribute to Xena and Gabrielle's love, and I have to admit I can't listen to this song without Xena and Gabrielle on my mind. I do hope that we will all have this kind of love, someday, somewhere, somehow.

Another Melissa Adoration 2

2009-03-23T11:21:00.003+07:00

I don't like reading looooooooong post. Even my own post. So I just make it to two post. Besides it's about a totally different song, totally different meaning.

Kingdom of Heaven

A suffering soul on the way to the kingdom of heaven
Held up a sign that says, "God hates America"
A child has been lost, a mother is shocked and is grieving
And turning away, turning away

He said there is a love that is so hideous and destructive
We must drive it from earth to save all of our children
He must know it well, in the night it's the hell that he speaks of
It keeps him awake, keeps him awake

My God is love, my God is peace
My God loves you, my God loves me

A suffering soul on the way to the kingdom of heaven
Prayed in the dark, "Death to the infidel"
He strapped all his desperate pain and his faith to his body
And blew them away, blew them away

A suffering soul on the way to the kingdom of heaven
Shouts on the news, "They are the godless ones"
The anger inside and the fear that it hides never leave her
When the cameras are gone, when the cameras move on

Oh people c'mon, tell me where is your kingdom of heaven
Where is you faith? Where do you put your fear?
Do you have a price for truth and the price for believing?
And heaven is here, heaven is here

My God is love, my God is peace
My God is you, and my God is me

Though I could never sing the last line wholeheartedly, the line of "My God is love, my God is peace. My God loves you, my God loves me" summons up my faith. It's what God is to me and nothing can change my view in this. If heaven is filled with those killing-in-the-name-of-God people, I'd rather not be there. Many people condemn Melissa for being gay and curse her to root in hell. Well, if she's going to hell for being gay, so will I. And how fun that place will be, with good music from Melissa, good humor and dance with Ellen, sweet lullaby from kd lang, a little workout with Martina Navratilova. With everybody who roots for peace and love. While in heaven, people will fight to decide which holy book is the holliest, which right is the rightest, to whom God belongs to, etc. That's what heaven and hell like in my mind when I hear 'those' people talk. I happen to think God is smarter than that, thank you very much. I don't worry one bit about the safety of Melissa's soul, and I believe I'll be saved too. What I worry about is for those people who sold their souls to some book they believed is holly, those people who sold their soul to a heartless god. I only hope that God will protect us from His followers.

"I like your Jesus, but I don't like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Jesus."

Another Melissa Adoration

2009-03-23T10:35:00.005+07:00

There is not a day passing by without her name on my mind, her music in my ears, the lyrics in my heart. The music doesn't have to be played in my MP3 player whatsoever. It automatically plays in my mind everytime something happens to push that 'play' button. For these days, every morning (afternoon, actually) when I wake up and go to work I automatically sing,

Wake up!
Damn, I've gotta do it again
There's faces and places, there's strangers and friends

Ahaha. Love that song, although it never made into one of her CDs. But it's a good song for boosting your self-confidence.

I've gotta go, I've gotta be
Something better than me
A dream with no guarantee
But baby says I'm good enough
Some parts are worn out, some edges are rougher
Baby says I'm like a fine wine
Getting sweeter with age
I'm getting better all the time

Heheh. Well. I'm here today to discuss her heavenly lyrics - again. I've bored way too many people talking endlessly about Melissa, but it's their own fault. Once they know she's 48 (almost) and gay, they automatically back off. Well, their loss. They can't stop me from worshiping her.

My favorite of her lyrics (and music video - it's quite a coincidence/not because it's the only video she directed herself) until now is 'Angels Would Fall', which I've quoted so many times here. It's so divine.

The rope that's wrapped around me is cutting through my skin
And the doubts that has surrounded me are finding their way in
I keep it close to me like a holy man's prayer
In my desperate hour, it's better, better that way

So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be such a very good friend
Have mercy on my soul, I will never let you know
Where my mind has been

Angels never came down, there's no one here they wanna hang around
But if they knew, if they knew you at all
Then one by one, the angels, angels would fall

I've crept into your temple, I have slept upon your pew
I have dreamed of the divinity inside and out of you
I want it more than truth, I could taste it on my breathe
I would give my life just for a little, little death

So I'll come by and see you again
I'll be just a very good friend
I will not look upon your face, I will not touch upon your grace
Your ecclesiastic skin - (chorus)

I'll come by and see you again
I'll be just a very good friend
If I whisper they will know, I'll just turn around and go
You will never know my sin

I found these comments on youtube:

"Knowing that Mellissa had an affair and fell in love with a female while married to a man. This song says to me, that even tho her secret seems forbidden in the eyes of her husband and perhaps of god. Mellissa, just doesn't care! She really fell in love and just wants her love to be accepted by society and allowed to florish. I hope all things, worked out for mellissa in the end xx" - saurabhbijelwan

"Yeah, I like it too! Anyways, the meaning of the song to me is a girl that likes a guy that doesn't want to confess her love, I never really thought of a lesbian at first like some people thought." - sweetluvretro16

"This song tells the story of a closeted lesbian who is secretly in love with a woman who is, I think, very religious. She knows, or believes, this woman would despise her if she revealed her true feelings, but she couldn't bear not to be in this person's life. Love gives her a reason for being just as religion sustains the one she loves. But she can't be open in her love, so she has to settle for being a good friend to this person she values far more than any other mere mortal." - TruthUnleashed

"I always thought the song was about being in love with a straight girl. Cuz you could never be more than very good friends. And it could apply to any unrequited love situation (gay or straight)" - harme2

"I'm pretty sure that the song is about being in love with a priest. B/c she says i wont touch your acclesiastic skin. and acclesiastic means priestly so i think she is sayin that angels wouldn't come down b/c they dont like anyone kinda meaning that everyone in the church and all is hypicritical. Where as this one priest fella is so amazing that angels would fall if only they knew him." - TjTerror2

It can be interpreted in those ways, indeed. :D The real story behind that song is that Melissa's relationship at that time was strained, and she had this crush on a married friend, so that's an impossible crush. I smiled at some comments (it was Julie who was married to a man, and this song wasn't written around that time) and even loved some other interpretation (I love the last one! It makes sense through and through, except that Melissa would never fall for a priest, priests are all male). But that's what is amazing about great lyrics. You can interpret them in many ways. For me personally, that lyrics describe beautifully how I think of Melissa herself. If I ever meet her, I'll be just a very good friend to her. Oh, and just to add the Melissa adoration, I've never ever heard the word 'SIN' said so sexily and so heavenly. Hot damn. (I'm not the only one thingking this. You can check on her youtube video comments and count how many women would go gay for her. Lol.) Aaah, the beauty of being able to appreciate heavenly music!!

Gone Too Soon

2009-03-21T09:26:00.003+07:00

Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

I think you've heard about this already, but I've gotta write something on my own. I have a difficulty in expressing my condolence so I put off writing this until now.

I don't know Mrs. Natasha Richardson well, I'm not even a fan, and there are many new things about her I've just known when the news about her falling on a ski lesson spread on the net. But one thing I know for sure: she is a wonderful woman and a brilliant actress. The proof is simple. I've only seen her in Nell but I remember her performance and her name that when I watched 'The Parents Trap', I instantly recognized her. Another thing I remembered from Nell is how she and Liam Neeson's character had such a beautiful chemistry. When I found out that he is in fact her husband in real life, I felt so sad that such a beautiful couple had to be separated in such sudden way, and of course I feel for their children too.

Another proof that she had lived a good life is the many condolences written for her and her family. Even from an unexpected suspects. I mean, heck, even the first time I heard about her fall is from Afterellen.com, and in the years I follow the news in that site, I've never seen her name at all. Ellen also tweeted about her, and as long as I know she's never been on her show and never appeared in a movie together or such. Even Tammy blogged about her. Well, it doesn't really matter if people care about her or not, I do care. I only saw two of her works, but that's enough to give me a deep impression about her. And what I see is a gracious, brilliant actress and woman.

See, I cannot express myself well. Hh. The last time I felt this way was when I heard the death of Steven Gilborn. He is the man behind Harold Morgan, the father of Ellen Morgan (Ellen DeGeneres' character in her "Ellen" sitcom). I love his character in the show and I think of him as an ideal father, maybe besides my own father. Anyway, I don't know much of his work besides that, but I feel like I know him and I felt really really sorry for his death.

No matter how long or short one's life is, it will not be long enough for the people who love them. In my family, we don't say 'I love you', but we always make sure we show each other one way or the other. I think I just have to show my family more that I love them every single day. Maybe also to Melissa, thanks for inspiring me each and everyday with your words, your music, and your actions. Ellen, thanks for being brave and make the world a little bit better for us, the younger generation, and thanks for making me laugh everyday. And, thanks to my friends who share with me their stories, their secrets, their worries, their thriumph, and to make me a part in their lives.

Once again my condolence to Natasha Richardson and her family. You'll be missed.

This Is Outrageous!!!

2009-03-20T07:33:00.004+07:00

I've just stumbled upon a video in youtube about corrective rape in South Africa. For a country who has already legalized same sex marriage, I actually expect far more tolerance there. But noooooo, it breaks my heart.

Corrective rape is a rape done to lesbians to make them realize WHAT they are. As if that's not enough, most of the victims don't want to report to police because they knew their reports won't be taken seriously. It is estimated that 10 new corrective rapes happen each week. Some are followed by murder or suicide. Worse than any other rapes, corrective rape is done mostly as gang rape, and what is most heartbreaking: can be done by family members and friends, because they think it's the right thing to do! Even in one case, the mother of the girl, instead of defending the daughter, blaming her sexuality for it.

I can hardly believe my own eyes and ears, witnessing someone innocently stated, "I approve of corrective rape because being a lesbian is not good and it is the right way to make them realize what they are." It's ridiculous to the bone! Not to mention cruel. While we're talking about cruelty, though, try to read this and try not to be physically mad : http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peter-daou/on-gang-raping-and-killin_b_174695.html.

It's when I read stories like this, that I start to ask about the core of humanity. I start questioning the goodness in people. It's so hard to believe when everyday, everywhere in the world, someone is laughing while taking the life of somebody else.

That is what you get when you're thinking in the boxes of 'normal' and 'abnormal'. It is what you get when you're thinking in the boxes of religion. You lost your sense of humanity, you lost your direct contact with God because you're too busy reading His 'book'. How can you stone a little girl to death because she was raped, on the ground of adultery? I know, I know, your holy book said it's the right thing to do. But where is your heart? In the other case, the raper killed the girl because he was afraid to be found out, that's his crime. But this, this is done by 50 men in front of a thousand people. Does none of them have children? Does none of them have heart? 1000 people, for God's sake!

The worst thing when you stumble accross news like this is that you tend to research more and more, and from the links you stumble on so much more bad news. Hh. Now I'm so sick I've gotta go. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow.

Wives on Ellen

2009-03-18T11:38:00.006+07:00

Ugh. I know that Ellen alone has a cuteness level that could make me melt into a jelly - almost literally. But how about THIS:

Eat that, 'Yes on 8' suckers! Love is never wrong. I wish I could describe the cuteness of those two together, but I guess you could see it for yourself, the videos are all over youtube. Of course I'll be helpful. First part of the interview can be found here, the 'newlywed game' is here, and the bathroom concert series is here. But this one is my favorite: Ellen and Portia playing aw snap in their interview practice.

Only one thing bothers me about one moment on those videos. No, it wasn't that eharmony is a homophobic company and they were playing newlyweds game. I couldn't care less about that because they apparently let Ellen and Portia play. In my point of view, it wouldn't be much of a champaign for them as it is a champaign for gay marriage. Anyway, what distubs me the most is the moment in the newlyweds game after they both reveals the cards after "What is the best gift you spouse has ever given to you" question. Both answered "Her heart/love" and it was the cutest moment ever, and it wasn't only my eyes, many people also think the same with me: it was like they were both trying so hard NOT to kiss. It IS an appropriate time to kiss! But okay, it is a daytime TV and all, bla bla bla. But only seconds later, the couple who played against them kissed after hearing what they would receive. There were several things wrong with that situation. First, Ellen and Portia actually won, but the other couple got the bigger present. (Okay, at least for this one I can imagine the reason why.) Two, in any couple game, aren't the winners are suppossed to kiss? Three, I can't help but noticing how at lost Ellen and Portia looked when the other couple hugged and kissed.

For now, I'm gonna overlook that small unhappiness I felt, because in whole, I think Ellen has just broken another ground and gave straight people a view of real-life gay couple, and maybe just a hint of how discrimination feel like.

Goodbye Isn't Always Enough

2009-03-16T12:34:00.002+07:00

Waking up to your words
Feeling something thrown from my mind
I go back to the passing years
It sure seems like a dream

I check my phone for the second time
Wishing it could lie to me
Linger on your name
But my thumb is numb
I wanna hear your voice again

Goodbye isn't always enough
What I know on my mind couldn't chase away this feeling
What good it'll do for acting tough
The memory's still intact inside my damaged heart

I mask a smile for my daily life
Try to ignore the empty space
I call for home, but you're just not there
And you won't ever return to my side

Goodbye isn't always enough
What I know on my mind couldn't chase away this feeling
The thought of you control my mind once again
I wonder if it's better never knowing you at all

Ahahaha, The Future

2009-03-11T11:24:00.003+07:00

It's from Melissa's song, "2001". I read an article about how Melissa came up with the song. It was when she thought about the technology and stuffs, and went all, "Ahahaha, the future." (That line is also a part of the lyric). It was the first thing I thought of when I saw this:

Interesting, huh? I saw that monopoly in a store brochure. Monopoly is my favorite board game (because you get to count fake money), and now, you can even pay by card! Damn, time does change, doesn't it?

The Garu Lesson

2009-03-11T10:35:00.003+07:00

I've just got this Garu character from Mc Donalds. Well, actually it's from weeks ago, but whatever. :p I don't know much about the character, but I've seen many stickers with Pucca characters, and from what I saw, I think the story goes kinda like this: Garu loves Pucca unconditionally, and Pucca maybe love him too, but she always kinda take him for granted and torture him. Anyway, I like this character so much because I'm kinda like him. Haha. I mean, in loving someone so much that even her bad traits cannot change it.

This (I don't know how to call it so I'll just say his name) Garu of mine really represents how I view the Garu character. You can open his stomach and inside, there's a Pucca picture embossed. For me it kinds of represents how Pucca is always on Garu's heart. One other thing is that this egg-like body of him is built in a such way that you can't knock him down. No matter how randomly you drop him or knock him down, he'll just roll on the surface and stand up again. It's very much like the characer, isn't it? No matter how much Pucca tortures him, he's always strong. Lol, of course it helps that he's just a cartoon character. If it's a real person at least he'd have been comatosed by Pucca's tortures.

In real life, I don't want a relationship like Garu and Pucca. I know it's kinda cute and everything (as long as it's not as sadistic), but I'm just not as patient as Garu and if I'm to be in a relationship, I want her to feel as strongly about me as I feel about her. But if that relationship is gonna last, I will need to learn to love as unconditionally as Garu does. Nobody is perfect, so there will always a time to say, "I love you despite of your...."

I'll save that lesson for when I'm in a relationship, but for now, I take the other lesson he offers. It's to stand up again no matter how hard you've been knocked down. Garu is not a weak person, contrary to what most people think. He's a real gentleman and a real strong person. I always believe in what Xena said, "It takes a greater strength to show compassion." Most people think it's people who go out on a protest, who takes challenges, etc, as strong people. Not so much for me. Strnegth lies in being patient and doesn't make a big deal of small stuffs. Strength is knowing how to say 'No' to stupid challenges. Strength is being honest to yourself and others. Strength is admitting your faults and appologizing. Strength is standing up for what you believe no matter what. And strength is standing up again no matter how you've fallen down. Garu doesn't punch Pucca back because he loves her (and maybe because she's a she), but he's always willing (and able) to protect her from harm.

Anyway, I was lucky to get this Garu. It was actually a mission to go to Mc Donalds, that is located quite far from my place. I just wanted to eat the food so much that I decided to go there by bus (IN WINTER, so it's quite a sacrifice, with all the waiting and the walking in the cold weather). I knew that they gave out Pucca thingy on Happy Meal, so I bought one and yay! I got Garu. Quite a coincidence, but well, everything happened for a reason and heh heh, so this is why I had my craving for Mc Donalds back then.

One Tooth Less

2009-02-26T08:57:00.003+07:00

It's unavoidable. When I go back to Indonesia, I'll have one tooth less. Well, actually, I NOW have one tooth less. It's not that big a deal, but I feel the loss anyway. Everytime my tongue runs through the hole that once was my tooth, I feel the loss. Everytime there's some food falls into that hole, I feel the loss. Everytime I brush my teeth and the brush couldn't find that one tooth, I feel the loss. Everytime I look in the mirror, I see a big black (and sometimes bloody) hole in the place of my tooth. What lesson did I take from this experience? To appreciate the small things in life. I also learned to let go. Well, I learned to let go too much, I think I have to start learning how to hold on to something precious. But that's been the way I am since... I forget when. I have trained myself so much to accept the inevitable and to let go of everything (the logic is, we came to this world with nothing and with nothing shall we leave this world, right?). But it isn't as simple as that, really. We humans have greed. We have envy and we have ambision. We have wants and we have the eros kind of love. I'm the kind of gal who cherish everything I possess, from the simplest thing like 'my' plate, 'my' chair, 'my' side, until the bigger matters like 'my' computer. If you have ever watched 'Friends', you know that Joey doesn't share food, right? If you're on a date with him you could order anything you want, as many as you want, but NEVER take anything from Joey's plate. I'm ALMOST like that. Not as bad as Joey, though. I'll share as long as it's not my favorite food. Or as long as it's not in a small portion. Or as long as I like you. Hehe.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. So I cherish every small things I possess (including my food). Therefore it's always hard for me to let go of those things, like when somebody suddenly sit on 'my' side of the sofa, for example. Only small things like that can make me felt so annoyed. That's why I had to train myself to let go. Problem is, I did overcome that possessive habit over small things (I still get annoyed, but I won't kill you for that), but I also become so easy in letting go the bigger matters. Like love. Like money. Like my pride. Like friends. Like... my tooth (okay, again, it's not that big a deal, but that tooth had been with me for 22 years, for goodness sake!).

Okay, here's the story. Friday night, I couldn't sleep for hours because I felt a little pain on my tooth. The pain wasn't too much but the level of the pain wasn't consistent so it was annoying. I was asleep for half an hour and then suddenly I was awaken by a sting of pain. It was like that the whole night. But after I woke up on Saturday it wasn't really there anymore. I only felt it when I ate. And then Saturday night came and by the God. I've never experienced such a tootache my whole life! I absolutely couldn't sleep the whole night. Luckily I happened to find the trick to lessen the pain: I drank cold water. Still that means waking up every hour to drink that water. On Sunday I worked, and I almost couldn't smile at all. Even to the guest. I count myself a very professional person, and no matter what I would always smile to the guests. But how could I smile with a mouth full of pain? I drank ice-cold water like every ten minutes (literally) and went to the bathroom every half an hour or so. It felt terrible. And I had to work for 11 hours that day, so just imagine how torturing it was!

I couldn't sleep at all that night, the pain was so excruciating I had to drink more often than when I was at work. No other option: I had to go to the dentist. I called the dentist office at 9 AM, and had to have a stupid conversation with the receptionist who couldn't speak English well and I knew she was losing her patience. Well, whatever, I got myself an appointment at 10.30. I called my boss and he dropped me to the dentist office. It was quite scary. The waiting, I mean. There I was, in a dentist waiting room (it's even scarier than the actual dentist office, for me) in some foreign country which I couldn't speak much of the language, with a terrible pain in my tooth. Oh, and the receptionist said on the phone before that I had to bring cash about 300 euro, so while I was waiting I was worried sick about the money too. It was my one month salary!

Anyway, finally my waiting was over (it was about 30 minutes but it felt like 3 hours, really). The dentist was very nice, fortunately, and though he couldn't speak much English, he tried so hard to explain the problem to me. He took an x-ray of my tooth (very convinient, as a matter of fact. In Indonesia I had to take the photo in a laboratory first and then went back to the dentist sometime later) to prove his guess. More waiting... and then he came in with the result, and gave me three choice. One, he could give me medicine and we'll see what'd happen. Two, he would open up the tooth, treat the infection (FYI, the infection happens in the deepest part of the tooth), and seal it. Three, just take the tooth off, or as he said it literally, "No tooth, no pain." (If it wasn't for the situation, I would have laughed out loud at that. It's a very funny logic - and very ironic, said by a dentist). Considering that: a) The medicine might work but if it doesn't I'd have to come back for more treatment. b) The medicine might work but when it's worn off maybe the problem will come back even more terrible. c) If I choose the treatment it will cost A LOT and who knows how many times I have to go to the dentist just to follow up the treatment. So... yes, I had to say goodbye to my tooth.

I was lucky it didn't hurt too much, but the experience was quite scary. First there were three injections of painkillers given inside of my mouth, then after it worked, the dentist pulled out tongs and... well, just imagine a nail being pulled out of a board. Twist it right and left, right and left, and pull it really hard. Ouch. Even with all the painkillers I could still feel a sting of that final pull. Geez. I really feel lucky I wasn't born fifty years ago.

Anyway, the dentist asked if I wanted to keep the tooth or not. Well I couldn't imagine as to where I would keep the tooth, so no, thank you. Then with a cotton between my teeth to stop the blood, I walked home - in the winter wind. Dammit. I went to sleep immediately with the cotton still in place, after writing a note to my roommate to tell my boss I couldn't work today. One and a half hour later, I was awaken because there were some friends visiting my roommate, and therefore it was noisy like hell. And the final annoyance of that day was that I suddenly had a sorethroat, which as I thought about it, probably was caused by all that ice-cold water I drank those two days I was in pain.

So, now I'm still adjusting myself to my one-tooth-less state, and trying to get out of this sore throat, which luckily didn't get much worse. Hehe. Oh, another thing I learned: even during my painful tootache, the only thing that could make me smile again is ANY mention of Melissa. Damn, damn, damn. How in love am I with that woman? LOL!

The Wedding

2009-02-20T04:36:00.004+07:00

The universe sure has a ridiculous way to answer my wishes. I had just said that I wanted a family, having a wedding, and all with the love of my life, I sure didn't say I want my first love (whom I still have a feeling for until now) to get married.

Waking up to that kind of sms is certainly not my idea of a good morning. Yeah, she told me she would get married at the end of this month. I was like... WHAT?! I know I said that I want nothing more to do with her. I know I said I wouldn't touch her with a ten feet pole, she's like a poison to my sanity. But I still have feelings for her after all this time.

First love is certainly someone you can't easily forget, huh? Furthermore, this is the person that made me admit to myself that I am indeed gay. This is the person for whom I decided to stand up against the world and become a minority. This is the person that first showed me the wonder of the world outside my sheltered home. How can I not feel the loss for a love that never was?

I wrote so many songs for her, and one of the newest has been the declaration that I don't care if she stil wants me or not, I will never be the one for her. Of course, after that there was a night when I dreamed of her and I wrote another song called 'Every Now and Then', talking about how I remember her every now and then. Here's the lyric to 'It Will Never Be Me':

We used to share the glory, you and I
We talked of our dreams and future plans
But when it's dark you can't find way back to my arms
And you found somebody else

Didn't I tell you something like goodbye
Didn't I make sure it's over now
You loved me not with your heart, I know
It'll be okay, I'm moving on

It wasn't me that you need
You just can't love me back
Now you want more than friends
And I just can't give you that
Don't you understand, I just can't lose my heart
For you, it will never be me

Well, I did say goodbye to her so there's no point in turning back now. I'm here and she's there and there's no possibility of me boicoting her wedding and kidnapping her like in the movies. Heheh. Although one of Melissa's songs keep running in my head: "I'm alright, I'm alright, it only hurts when I breathe." I guess I have to say my final goodbye to our story anyway. This is one song I wrote for someone else, but there's no more appropriate moment to use this song for. So, please be happy, Vochi. I will do my best to stay out of your life.

I have no saying in the works of love
Though I have shouted and cried and begged to up above
Everybody's got their choice, that's what I believe
If her hapiness' in you, what can I do but leave

But please give me your words, and give me your vow
That you will love her better than I do
Please give her your crown, let her sit on your throne
And never ever let my angel go - and will you

Will you make her smile, will you protect her?
Will you care her every need, forever and ever?
Will you share her every dream, love her beyond death?
Will you take good care of my angel?
Will you?

Happy Valentine 2009!

2009-02-19T09:41:00.002+07:00

I know it's too late. Hehe. But whathever. Happy Valentine's Day! This Valentine I work my ass off. This Valentine fell on Saturday, so it's one hell of a work day! It's almost like Christmas - only on a shorter time. I bet there were more than 1000 guests that night.

Anyway, there were lots of my friends who whined about how there were lots of couples who looked very happy together. Most of them were singles or they happened not to be able to be with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

That made me realize, I don't really envy those couples, you know. When I looked at them, I did feel a little bit envious, especially to those lesbian couples who were able to be so open here. But I felt more envious to another type of guests: families. Yeah, there were also lots of happy families coming at Valentine's day. They seemed so happy together, with their little girls and boys, taking care of each other and taking care of the kids. That's what make me envious more than just a lovey-dovey couple.

Come to think of it, I've never really been envious of couples. Well, maybe just a little bit, and only to special couples who are so cute together. But I always envy happy families! To be able to come home from work and being welcomed by your children, having dinner together and watching TV or just playing around together, or going on outings together. Well, some of my sweetest memories growing up are also full of my parents and sister together, so it's no suprise that I want to have a family like that on my own, rite?

Sigh, I really can't wait to have a family on my own. But finding your destined soulmate (as corny as it sounds) is not so easy. It's also not easy finding the job of my dream and money enough to buy the house of my dream. Really, my life is just starting, and I'm really looking forward to the future.

Love, love, love, it really is glorious!

Missy Lou

2009-02-19T05:30:00.003+07:00

Okay, I know it's free and there are more than billions of stars up there, but there is only one star that I got to name. I don't even have to think twice how I want to name that star. In Hollywood and in the world, there is only one star that shines the brightest to my eyes, only one star that inspires me in every way. The only thing that made me hesitate a bit was that she actually doesn't like that name. Well, but I like it and I think it would be a great star name.

So, here it is, a star for you, Melissa: http://www.yourstar.com/star_lookup.php?star_id_1=1284591&star_id_2=38. May your light always inspire all of us for eternity.

Testify

2009-02-10T05:39:00.003+07:00

I'm having so much thoughts these days, to the point that I don't know whether I should blog about them or don't blog at all. The feeling varies from the good ones to the bad ones, from pride to shame. I also experienced lots of feelings these days more than ever, I don't have any idea why. Maybe being outed by the person that I hate more than I've ever hated anyone - helped a lot? It also made me think about why I don't come out in a big way - I mean as in telling every friends and families. Besides having to analyze that, I also have to analyze this feeling of hatred I feel, because I never ever experience a hatred as strong as this, and it's eating up my soul. No, I'm not being hyperbolic, it's literal talking. It's like every silent time I have, it's hatred I'm thinking about. Every time I start to think about writing a new song, it'd be about hatred. And of course, I can't do my best for my thesis becaue it's where the hatred lies. Good news are, I got the chance to learn few new things about myself, about my limitations and about how good I actually am at reading people.

But let's forget a minute about those things. I wanna talk about the movie I've just seen last week, Melissa's song (naturally), and my quite unexpected visit to the Homomonument.

Well, the movie is 'Milk'. Have you watched it? I'm impressed with Sean Penn. He brought Milk to live with respect and dedication. Of course this is my personal review, I haven't read any expert's review, nor have I read or watched Sean Penn's interview anyway. It's only what I got from the movie. His every small gestures, his loving look to his boyfriends, his passion in running for the office, his dialog-less scenes of sadness... well, I'll just say that I believe Sean's acting as a gay politician.

In my mind now, Harvey Milk is a very brave guy who puts the truth and the greater good before his own happiness. I'm grateful for him. If it weren't because of people like him, many things wouldn't have been the way it is today. People like me will always put our own ego higher than other people's want and need. I really have no idea how he did it.

"If a bullet should enter my brain, let it destroy every closet door." It's the immortal words of a Harvey Milk. He's all 'come out, come out, wherever you are' and it's not for a reason. By coming out, we let people who are close to us to see, that we're not sick, we're not immoral, and we're not abnormal. Many friends of mine are homophobics, but it's mainly because they've never really known any gay people. I've got to admit that I'm not one of the more loveable people around, so my coming out might not help that much, nor that I want to at this moment. It's not because I'm ashamed of who I am, also not because of fear. Well the fear is there, it's only natural, but I can defeat that fear quite easily. My thought is that if now I come out - let's say to my parents - they will be worried out of their mind about the kind of partner I will have in the future and that thought might drive them to fear me even more than if I've already had a girlfriend and let them meet. The other reason is that there's no straight people is forced to come out, why should I do it? I don't lie that I like this guy or that guy, and any friend who is close enough to know me won't be suprised to know I'm gay. The third reason is that if I'm labelled as lesbian and someday I fall in love with a guy, then there will be a hell of explanation to do. It's the stupidest scenario possible, but everything is possible, right? Anyway, I'm maybe not out yet, but there's no doubt that I'm proud, and I don't hold back from educating any homophobes who care to listen.

I've never read about Harvey Milk before except from Melissa's song, 'Testify'. After I watched the movie, I played that song, and of course, that song has a brand new meaning now.

Morning's hard, coffee's cold
pretending that the days mean more than getting old
Stale headlines other drenched in pride
Marching to their drum with fear standing beside

But if I close my eyes and throw back my head
I can see his face and I hear the words he said
And my memories ache and my senses burn
Did he dream too late
will we ever learn

I, I want to testify
My love still lives and breathes
And my soul is screaming why
The thoughts won't let me sleep
Don't let hearts break
And don't let children cry
Before it gets too late
I want to testify

I want to testify too. I want to testify I'm as normal as everybody else, I want to testify that I can function well in society and contribute my part. I want to testify that speaking the truth will pay off in the end even though some people may hate me at first for it.

Learning from the past to struggle in the here and now, and bring inspiration and hope to the future, that's what I learned from Homomonument. I learned from how gays were treated in the Nazi era, how they weren't even labelled as victims while their rate of death was the highest and they were treated the worst (because they were even treated badly by fellow prisoners). Until now, when you were taught about victims of the Nazis it was always about Jews, right? I'm not complaining that Jews were mentioned foremost, because they had the biggest number of victims, but not mentioning homosexuals just because 'they are homosexuals and it's proper that they have to be disminished' only proves that there are still lots of Nazi-minded people these days.

So, no more tolerating intolerance for me. No more leaving the fight to other people. What I do best in this fight is educating, so educating I'll do. I cannot argue with total ignorance and bigotry, but I can always talk to people who still have some logic and heart left.

"People c'mon, tell me where's your kingdom of heaven
Where is your faith, where do you put your fear?
Do you have a price for truth and a price for believing
And heaven is here, heaven is here

My God is love
My God is peace
My God loves you
and my God loves me."

"Until I see you again, my friends, please, be strong, speak true, spread the peace."

Homework?! Dammit

2009-02-08T08:12:00.003+07:00

Aw crap, I hate homework! But okay, I'll do it since it's from you, Pak Guru, but I don't have 7 blog friends, so I cannot tag it to next blogs. :p

1. Age of my next birthday?

2. Places I'd like to travel to

3. Favorite place

4. Favorite food

5. Favorite things

Ovation Adamas 12 string Melissa Etheridge series with signature:

6. Favorite color

7. Where I was born

8. A city I've lived in

9. Nickname I have

10 College major

11. Hobbies

12. Bad habit

13. Name of my love

14. Wishlist